It Only Happens In The Fanfic (IOHITF)
WARNING!!! Contains serious Legolas-mocking!!!
E/N: Hi everyone! Here's my new story, It Only Happens In The Fanfic, or IOHITF. I wrote this because I got sick and tired of all the "Mary Sue ends up in Middle-earth" stories, and of the overdone Legolas romances. Don't get me wrong; there are good stories among them, but just a bit too much for my liking. People go too easy on Legolas. So I decided to give him a hard time. Please don't kill me, I agree that Legolas is good-looking, but I'm just gonna make it hard enough for him to break a sweat now and then. This takes place after the WotR, and I'm trying to keep it as loyal to the occurrences after WotR as told in the books as possible. Characters are also kept in their original state, or the closest I could get to that.
So anyway, I hope you'll like this, reviews very much appreciated, constructive criticism won't kill me, flames will be sent to Denethor.
-xxx- Elvea
Disclaimer: No I don't own Legolas, nor anything else Tolkien already owns (like the fragment from the Hobbit below), but I do own Elena, Jason, the Diabolical PlotBunnies of Doom(tm) and other characters that will be introduced later on.
WARNING!!!
This story does NOT contain: Mary Sue, annoying clichés (okay, okay, just one), self insertion, the One Ring (post LotR), Dark Lords (unless you count Legolas) or Legomance (with main character).
This story DOES contain: Legolas-mocking, one cliché, Legolas-mocking, lots of characters from the books, Legolas-mocking, humor & adventure (the story is supposed to contain that, anyway), Legolas-mocking, Original Characters, Legolas in great pain and... an actual plot gasps. May contain traces of nut or seed.
All of the above stated is based purely on original plans and may slightly alter later on. I will notify immediately if any such thing would happen, but do not plan on making changes. Beware of the Diabolical PlotBunnies of Doom™ though.
"The feasting people were Wood-elves, of course. These are not wicked folk. If they have a fault, it is distrust of strangers. (...) They differed from the High Elves of the West, and were more dangerous and less wise." (the Hobbit, by J.R.R. Tolkien, chapter 8; Flies and Spiders)
Prologue
The story I'm about to tell you is weird. No, that's an understatement. It's ridiculous and absolutely unbelievable to be true. The thing is, it IS true, but there's nobody I can talk to. Nobody would believe me. I'm not even sure if I believe me. Do you want to know what I'm talking about? Here's what happened.
---
Okay, so maybe I should introduce myself first. My name is Elena, and I am 19 years old. Here on plain ol' earth my name is Greek, comes from Helena and means as much as "light". When I was 9 years old I first read the Hobbit and since then I have been obsessed, as people like to call it, with anything Tolkien. That includes the movies, of course. It didn't take me long to find out that in Middle-earth my name means "of the stars". I don't like Middle-earth much anymore. In fact, I would hate it if it wasn't for one minor detail.
My best friend is, or was, Jason Hornsby. He's gone. It's as simple as that. He looked exactly like our most beloved Orlando Bloom only Jason had blue eyes, not brown ones. He was my best friend since I was 12 years old, and how come I never fell in love with him, I don't know. Legolas has always been my favorite character and if your best friend looks like the actor who plays him you should be able to say that I fell in love with my best friend. But that didn't happen. In fact, now almost 3 months after all things changed, I'm still seriously pissed. How all this came to pass, I'll tell you.
---
It all started some three months ago, on the 14th of June. I had just turned 19, and my summer holiday had just started on that day, so I was in a pretty good mood. The fact that I had graduated 1 year too late didn't bother me a single bit. Fan fiction, here I come! I didn't think of much else when I got out of bed that morning.
I think I sat behind the computer all day, reading stories and occasionally writing on my own. I liked the "girls end up in Middle-earth" a lot, and envied the girls, because they got to go there and fall in love with Legolas and stuff, while I could only sit behind my computer and dream of meeting him. In case that didn't happen, meeting Orlando Bloom dressed up as Legolas would work for me. But meeting Orlando or Legolas only happens in the fanfic anyway. Having a best friend who knows he looks like the actor and likes to pull pranks made that clear to me.
One time Jason had gotten a Legolas costume somewhere, and a wig. Of course he had imitated Legolas, and he did it so well that you couldn't tell the difference between Jason and real-life Legolas. Even the voice was exactly the same. And I'd believed it, I seriously did, until he started laughing uncontrollably. That's when I realized it was Jason. And I got pissed, royally. So pissed in fact that I punched him in the stomach and told him that I hoped a horde of screaming fangirls who thought he was real would stampede him. When he told me he wouldn't mind such a thing I just walked away, with a face type thunderstorm.
Of course we made up and he took me to the Fellowship to celebrate that we were friends again. He didn't mind that I'd already seen it 23 times and quoted along with everything that was said on the screen. The other people in the cinema did, though, and we got kicked out halfway. But we were best friends again so we just laughed and went to get something to munch on.
But back to what happened that day. Not much really, actually nothing at all, except that I sat behind my computer all day; reading, writing, and dreaming about Legolas and Middle-earth. It was the next day that changed my entire life.
---
That next afternoon I went to take a walk through the forest behind my house. I love the trees, flowers, singing of the birds... but never once bothered to try and learn all their names. I'm not really the type of girl to sit down and study, more like the girl to jump up for action. Something that usually caused me to get in trouble. The fact that I liked all these things probably had something to do with my 10-year-old wish to be an Elf and marry Legolas. I'd even taken lessons in archery and, since about a year, in horseback riding to be more Elf-like.
That's how I met Jason. He was the best at archery and I, well it would be right to say that I absolutely sucked at it. So he helped me with archery and we became friends, best friends, but never more than that. I improved at archery a lot, but let's face it, I'll never be very good at it. 7 years ago it was that Jason and I had become friends, and in those seven years we did practically everything together, having no secrets for each other at all. Or so I thought. He purposely lied to me right from the first day we met.
But that day, when I walked through the forest, we were still friends, and things were different from what they are now. I was just walking there, worriless, singing out loud not caring about the fact that I'm not much of a singer. There was nobody around anyway. So singing my favorite song I came to my favorite spot in the forest on my favorite day of the week. Saturday. Had I known what was about to happen, I'd probably run back home straight away, or behaved differently. But I didn't know, so I stood there silently looking around.
It was a clearing on a hilltop, surrounded by mostly oak and elm trees, if I guess correctly. The glade was grassy, with an occasional flower growing in it. An ordinary glade you would say. But there was one thing that made this glade so different from all others. In the center of it stood a giant rock, up straight, egg-shaped. The surface was so perfectly smooth and the rock was placed so perfectly in the center of the glade, that I was sure humans had put it there. Rocks like that don't just show up in the center of a glade out of nowhere. I remained in the cool shadow of the trees, it was a pretty hot day and it was hardly noon. I leaned against a big tree, staring at the rock. It didn't take long for me to doze off.
I immediately opened my eyes when an arrow brushed past my cheek and hit the tree right next to my head.
---
At the other side of the clearing stood a tall figure with long blond hair, clad in a green tunic and brown tights, holding a bow.
'Jason! You idiot!' I shouted. 'How many times do I have to tell you that it's NOT funny?!'
'Jason?' he asked, pulling an unreadable face.
'Yes. Jason. Your name, remember?!'
'I'm not this uhm... Jason figure. My name is Legolas Greenleaf and I'm-'
'Oh come on! You've had your fun once Jason, that's enough. I'm not buying it this time. Just lose the accent and take off the wig will you?'
'Wig?' he asked, confused look on his face. I sighed. I'd almost start believing that Jason's a natural blond. But then again, he isn't. I walked over to him until I stood practically against him. Quickly I stretched out my hand and pulled off the wig. Except that it didn't come off.
'AAAAAAAAAAAH!!! What do you think you're doing?! It's not a wig, stop pulling!' Jason screamed. I let go of his hair. It was then that I noticed the pointed ears, a detail he'd forgotten last time and I'd pointed out to him afterwards.
'Oh God, please don't tell me you stole those ears somewhere just to pull your stupid prank on me?' I asked. 'You're crazy Jason, getting that outfit, the hair and even fake ears just to fool someone.'
'I demand an apology!' he shouted. 'My ears are real, beautiful and I'm proud of them!'
'Sure Jason' I tried to pull off the ears. Funny, they felt so real... Jason's face showed an expression of pain as I did that, and suddenly he grabbed my wrist. I let go of his ear, but he didn't let go of my wrist. Instead, he started dragging me off into the forest.
'What are you doing?!' I yelled, trying to kick him and get loose.
'I'm locking you away before you decide to try to pull off more of my bodyparts because you doubt their reality!' he replied as he kept dragging me further off into the forest. I couldn't help noticing that he was walking... well "enthusiastic" might be a good way of describing it.
'Yeah, like your masculinity,' I whispered.
'I heard that.'
'You were supposed to.'
Several minutes later we came to a huge clearing amidst the trees. People were walking about busy... singing and dancing? It wasn't even the freakiest thing. It was the great gates in a hill of the clearing that drew my attention. We were standing on a path directly towards those gates. There's no such thing in our forest... slowly the message started to get through to me.
'Where the hell am I?!' I shouted.
'The forest of Ithilien in Gondor. Emyn Arnen to be more precise. That over there is my palace' the answer came dryly. I turned to face him.
'Come again?'
---
I walked around my cell for the umpteenth time. It was dark, cold, smelled moldy, and well, was pretty much everything I'd expected from a dungeon. Except that there were no rats. Yet. There was a heap of hay in the corner for me to sleep on –it looked like it came directly from the stables, and also smelled as it had already been used by horses- and a bottle of water next to the door. I hadn't touched the water, I had no idea if it could be trusted.
Right after the arrival at the palace two Elves– man, I still don't believe it- had taken me away from Legolas and locked me in here. Right from that point I started doubting my sanity. I couldn't be in Middle-earth. It's impossible. I'd pinched myself several, or actually a lot of times before I realized it wasn't a nightmare. Still it didn't make sense to me. How had I gotten here, and why? And how come I could understand what Legolas said? I don't speak Westron, and he doesn't speak English. Hell, I don't even think he's heard of that language. None of it made sense, but still it was happening. In the meantime I was hoping for a nurse to show up to give me my medication.
It wasn't how I'd always imagined Middle-earth, or Legolas for that matter, to be like. In my imagination I never got to see dungeons and somehow I always ended up living happily ever after with Legolas. In my imagination. This was real. I think. And in this reality I'd only been around Legolas for about 30 minutes and I already hated him.
--- Legolas's POV ---
I stood in front of the door of the cell, trying to decide what I should do. I had stood there quite a while, at least two hours, not knowing what to do next. I'd gone through everything that had happened today several times already. I had left the palace early to practice my archery. Somewhere around noon, when I was shooting on my favorite spot in the forest, the strange mortal girl appeared right after I shot an arrow, and well, attacked me. Then I had taken her to my palace and locked her away. Which was a good thing to do since she had the ability to appear out of nowhere and was obviously very dangerous.
So she had been locked away for a couple of hours now, but I still didn't know what to do with her. I thought of Aragorn, or King Elessar since about a decade. Maybe he could give me some advice on how to handle this murderous mortal. But I couldn't leave her behind for my servants to handle, or I'd return to find a massacre. That only left one option: I had to take her with me.
'Eru be with me,' I whispered.
--- Elena's POV ---
I was still walking around in the cell, thinking of ways to escape, when suddenly the door flew open. I turned around and saw Legolas enter.
'Look at that, Drama Queen making a dramatic entrée,' I said.
'Keep your mouth shut, will you?' Legolas replied, glaring at me. 'Get your things, we're leaving.'
'I don't have anything.'
'Good, then we're leaving right now.'
'Why?'
'Because I'm telling you that we are!'
'Whereto?'
'Minas Tirith.'
'What are we gonna do there?'
'Visit a friend of mine.'
'Do you even have any friends?'
'Yes, I do. Let's go.'
'I don't wanna,' I said. Legolas sighed and grabbed my wrist again. He dragged me out of the cell, ignoring my protests, punches and kicks until we entered the stables. Damn, that guy is strong. Stupid Elf-boy.
'Can you ride?' he asked.
'Of course I can, why?'
'Because I don't want to take you on my horse.'
'Fine.'
'Fine.'
A young Elf entered the stables, guiding two horses. The first one was a white stallion, tall and with perfectly shaped muscles, pretty much the perfect steed. The other one was a brown stallion, smaller than the white one and less muscular of stature. Legolas immediately mounted the white stallion, but I nervously tapped the floor with my feet, biting my lip.
'Is there a problem?' Legolas smirked. I bit my lip harder, but didn't speak. 'Well?'
'I don't know how to ride without a saddle,' I whispered after a while. Legolas started laughing at me. I glared at him, but it didn't help. I swear, if I ever get my hands on a bow and a full quiver I'll use Legolas for target practice. Stupid Elf.
'Then now is the time to learn,' Legolas said as he stopped laughing. He grinned as I tried to mount the other horse. It took me 15 minutes before I finally managed to get up. I sent Legolas a look that meant as much as "say something and I'll hurt you so bad that you'll wish you were mortal". Legolas didn't reply and quickly rode off, I followed not far behind him.
--- Legolas's POV ---
'Are we there yet?'
'No.'
'How about now?'
'No.'
'Or now?'
'No.'
'And what about now?'
'NO! NO! AND NO AGAIN!!! WHE'RE NOT THERE YET!!!' I shouted at the mortal girl. We'd been riding almost the entire day now, the sun was setting, I was looking for a place to make camp, and all day long the girl had done nothing but whining. At least six times I'd nearly given into the temptation to just shoot her and ride back. But I'm a peace-loving, good Elven prince so I didn't.
'Elfie, I gotta pee!' she whined.
'I've got a name!' I hissed.
'Legging-las, right?'
'It's Legolas! LEGOLAS!!! LE-GO-LAS!!! GET IT RIGHT!!!'
'Yeah, yeah... whatever. I gotta pee.'
'Wait till we make camp.'
'But I really have to go!'
'I said WAIT!'
'But Legging-las...'
'LEGOLAS!!!' I shouted. That stupid mortal girl couldn't even get my name right! It's so frustrating to have to listen to names like "Elfie", "Blondie" and "Legging-las" all day long. I reached for one of my knives.
'I wanna bathe!' she continued whining.
'Do you see a bath anywhere? Well, do you?!' she didn't respond. Instead she just started sulking. I drew the knife and looked at it.
'Are you gonna attack me again?' she snickered.
'I attacked YOU?! YOU attacked me!'
'I didn't attack you! You attacked me!'
'Not true!'
'So someone else shot the arrow?!'
'You jumped out of nowhere and tried to tear me to pieces!' I said as we reached a split in the road.
'WHAT?! I didn't-'
'You tried to kill me!'
'I wish I'd succeeded!' she fired back. I glared at her. She glared back at me.
'We have to go to the right here,' I said, knowing which path to take.
'I don't want to go right,' she sent me a challenging look, then pressed her heels into the sides of her steed. It started galloping onto the left road. What the-? She's trying to escape! I quickly put the knife back, pressed on my own steed and rode after her. It didn't take me long to catch up on her, my horse is much faster than hers anyway.
'Turn around this instant!' I commanded.
'I don't want to!'
'You don't have anything to say in this matter! You're my prisoner!' I replied. She glared at me again. 'Now turn around before I remember the fact that I'm the best archer in Middle-earth!' she snickered, but did slow down her horse and turned back.
'Tell that to the Balrog' she muttered. What? Did she just- impossible! Is she some sort of- no way. Just a coincidence. 'In my world, people are not treated this way. Not in civilized countries anyway. But then again, Elves are obviously not very civilized.' That's it! This is the bloody limit! First she's all "I'm not from this world you know" and now insulting the Fair Folk?! She'll pay for that!
'You'd better show the Elves some respect,' I hissed.
'Or what?'
'I'll declare you Elf-fiend.'
'Yeah, that really scares me,' she replied. I glared at her again. I'd make her pay for it, just you wait and see. She'll be wishing she hadn't behaved like this before the end of the journey...
--- Elena's POV ---
I followed Legolas's example as he slowed down his horse and halted.
'Finally, Minas Tirith,' he mumbled. I followed his gaze. I held my breath as I took in the view, overwhelmed by the beauty. In no way possible had I been able to imagine it this way. Within the topmost wall of the city stood a tall tower, a very fair one, glimmering like... like a spike of pearl and silver. "The Tower of Ecthelion!" my mind cried out. The pinnacle glittered as if wrought of crystals, and I saw white banners fluttering from the battlements in the cool evening breeze. Through the entire valley could be heard a clear ringing.
'Silver trumpets...' I whispered as I thought of Tolkien's description.
'The king greets us,' Legolas said. 'Let's go.' He pressed his ankles slightly into the sides of his horse and rode towards the city. I followed him. The reason was simple: as soon as we'd gotten back on the right road Legolas had told me not to try and flee, or he'd shoot me without mercy. Stupid Elf. Two days had we been riding to Minas Tirith in total, and in that time I'd gotten a hang of riding without a saddle, to Legolas's great grief.
--- Aragorn's POV ---
I sat in my study, considering the possibilities I had to stop the growing amount of orc-raids lately, when somebody knocked on the door.
'Come in,' I said. One of my lackeys entered the room.
'My King, Lord Legolas is in the throne room waiting for you. There is an unknown lady with him,' he said.
'Thank you, I'll be right there,' I said as I stood up. The lackey left the room, and I followed. Before I entered the throne room a herald announced my arrival. Personally I wished he didn't do it, but it was a custom and very improper if I didn't. I wondered why Legolas had come to visit me all of a sudden. And with a lady by his side. Was he finally getting married and did he bring his future wife to introduce us? Or was it something else? When the herald was done naming my titles I entered the giant hall and walked to my throne. I noticed Legolas and the... young girl in front of my throne. They kneeled for me as I sat down. I gestured for them to rise and they stood up.
I looked at my friend, then at the girl by his side. She had chestnut brown curls reaching to her shoulder, and brown eyes with an odd golden circle around them. They reminded me of a deer, young and innocent. She was definitely human, but very tall, just as tall as Legolas, which was strange. Stranger even were the clothes she was wearing. She wore some sort of blue tunic with blue breeches, of the strangest material I've ever seen. Not to mention the kind of shoes she was wearing. Dear Eru, where did Legolas find her?
'Stop staring at me like that!' she suddenly shouted. Legolas glared at her.
'Be quiet you!' he hissed. 'You do not speak until the king speaks to you first!' I raised an eyebrow. This situation was quite... interesting.
'Legolas, come forward please,' I said. Legolas stepped up and I gestured for him to stand beside my throne. 'Who is she?' I asked, nodding towards the girl.
'She's my prisoner,' Legolas whispered, so that she wouldn't hear what he said.
'Your prisoner?' Legolas nodded. 'Where did you find her?'
'In Ithilien.'
'What was she doing there?'
'I don't know! I was busy with target practice and then suddenly she stood right next to my arrow!'
'How did she get there?'
'She just appeared out of nowhere.'
'Look, Legolas, you and I both know that things like that are impossible and-'
'I'm not crazy!'
'Of course not! But there must be a logical explanation to this all. Did you ask her where she comes from?'
'She says she's from a land called... well it's a place I've never heard of, and when I say that, she says "duh it's in another world"! She's crazy! Crazy I'm telling you!' Legolas exclaimed. I shortly glanced at her.
'She's indeed a bit strange. But what was her crime?'
'She uhm... attacked me' Legolas answered, twiddling his thumbs.
'Attacked you?'
'Well, maybe attack is a big word'
'Then what did she do?'
'She uh... pulled my hair and ears to see if they were real,' the Elf confessed. I waited a second, then burst out in hysterical laughter. When I noticed the unhappy face of my friend, I retook my composure.
'So what's her name again?' I asked.
'How am I supposed to know?!'
'You mean you didn't even ask for her name?'
'Not really...' Legolas guiltily looked down at his feet. I shook my head. It really amazes me every time that Elves aren't always as wise as we think they are.
'Then why did you come to me?'
'I need your advise. I don't know what to do with her- all I know is that she's a danger to others.'
'Step down. I'll go think of something, I'll be back when I have a solution.'
--- Elena's POV ---
I walked around the giant hall nervously. It had been 30 minutes since Aragorn- no; King Elessar (God that guy really has too many names. Makes you wonder if he has multiple personalities as well) had left and he still hadn't returned. And of course Mr. Prissy here hadn't told me why Aragorn had left either. They'd been whispering to each other for a while, occasionally glancing at me, then he had left. I grinned as I remembered all the slash stories back home. Maybe I should tell my beloved Prance- I mean Prince Legolas about it.
Suddenly the herald returned and started announcing the king again. I sighed. This could take a while since he really seems to have an endless amount of titles– at least twice as much as I remember from the books. A little while later coughten minutescough Aragorn re-entered the hall and halted in front of his throne, face towards us.
'Lord Greenleaf,' he said in a formal tone of voice. 'Will you accept my judgment as I tell you, or will my efforts be in vain?' he went on. God, I feel like I'm in bloody court.
'I will accept your judgment,' Legolas answered.
'And what about you? Do you accept my decision?' Aragorn asked me. I snorted.
'Do I have a choice?' Aragorn smiled at me.
'What is your name?' he asked.
'My name is Elena, sir.'
'Lady Elena,' Aragorn said. Legolas sniggered, but Aragorn ignored him. 'Lady Elena, you may not have a choice, but things would be much easier if you co-operate willingly.' I sighed, then nodded. He has a point you know. 'Good, then that's settled. Legolas told me that you're from another world,' he glanced shortly at Legolas 'and I take it that you would like to go home.'
'Yes sir, I would.'
'Well, I think I have the solution. Or actually, I know someone who could help.'
'I hope it's a short journey,' Legolas said.
'Depends if you think Rivendell is far away from here or not.'
'We have to go all the way to Lord Elrond?!' Legolas exclaimed.
'Unless you have a better idea...'
'Shoot her,' Legolas grinned. I glared at him. A thoughtful look spread out over his face. 'Hmmm... this might not even be such a bad idea after all. With a little luck I'll lose her on the way, or she'll freeze to death, or maybe she'll get eaten by wargs, or slain by orcs...' Legolas grinned again. I sent him another glare. Annoying Elf.
'Well, I'm sure that won't happen, Master Elf,' Aragorn said, 'because she has a very respectable, wise, noble, mighty and invincible prince with her to protect her from danger until she gets home...' he smiled slyly.
'I am indeed very noble and wise...' Legolas mumbled to himself.
'Oh great! Just great!' I exclaimed. 'You've just made the impossible happen! Make his ego grow even bigger! How were you planning on fitting us three in this hall now?' Legolas glared at me. Obviously has an issue dealing with the truth. I glared back at him.
--- Aragorn's POV ---
'So it's settled then?' I asked, interrupting Legolas's and Elena's fight on who could send the deadliest death-glare. Legolas turned his head away from Elena to look at me.
'Anything to get rid of her,' he said.
'Or from you' she fired back at him. I smirked.
'You two should get married,' I said. 'You sound just like a married couple.' Both of them glared at me.
'Marry that thing over there?' Elena said nodding towards Legolas. 'No thank you, I have my dignity.'
'Like I'd marry some puny mortal,' Legolas scorned. I glared at him. 'I mean uhm... she's not even a princess,' he added.
'How would you know, Elf-boy, you didn't even know my name until five minutes ago!' Elena replied agitatedly.
'Before you two go and waste more of my precious time' I said, 'I'd like to get your attention. I will give you supplies for the journey, along with my best wishes for both of you.'
'Great. When are we leaving?' Legolas asked.
'Tomorrow morning, if that is soon enough.'
'Do we really have to wait that long?'
'Lady Elena might need some sleep before going on a long journey, and she'd probably enjoy a warm bath and fresh clothes as well,' I replied. Elena nodded eagerly. Legolas snorted.
'Mortals...' he said, and received two death-glares.
And here is where I leave off with the story. Hope you've enjoyed it so far. Let me know if you want me to continue, feedback very much appreciated.
-xxx- Elvea
PS: Very special thank you to my beta, Eva you're the best!