Evidently I have some weird thing for chopping stories up into bits…?

Hinata knows that Sasuke is not as cool as everyone thinks, and here is why.

Lesson One: he has no idea how to cook.

It's Ino's half-assed idea to involve the Konoha 12 in a stupid Secret Santa (Shikamaru's adjectives, not hers), though Hinata has to wonder why – they live in Japan, not the New World. Still, somehow, the bright-eyed blonde girl manages to make everyone agree to the idea and with great relish presents them all with a scroll, explaining that within are slips of papers with each of their names on one of them and that they will each draw one.

Sakura goes first. She unseals the scroll, reads her slip, and moves off, still frowning at it. Tenten goes next, expertly evoking fuinjutsu to draw out the slip. Her face changes into something of utter dismay when she sees the name. Naruto follows after, letting out a whoop when he sees who he's picked that he hastily muffles, trying to act cool about it.

It's her turn. Hinata draws a slip and gulps, trying not to look at Sasuke. Whywhywhy? her mind shrieks. She had a 1 in 11 chance of getting anyone else and of course she picked the person who is most intimidating in every way and will no doubt treat her with the utmost scorn no matter her offering. She has to remind herself to keep breathing.

Neji is pushed forward by Lee and grouchily draws a slip. He stares down at it, then looks at Ino and demands, "Redraw."

Ino is unfazed by his scary white glare. "Sorry, no can do."

Her cousin looks ready to murder, but maybe he's getting a touch of the Christmas spirit, because after a few deep breaths he walks off without Gentle Fisting anyone. Ino beams and holds out the scroll for Sasuke to draw next.

The Uchiha expressionlessly draws from the scroll. He unfolds it, expressionlessly. But when he reads the name Hinata swears his eye twitches a little.

"Meet back at Shikamaru's house in a week to exchange presents!" Ino declares cheerfully once everyone has drawn. "Seven o' clock, don't be late!"

The group disperses, Shikamaru complaining (at a low volume) why it has to be at his house and others beginning to discuss their plans. Hinata looks around for teammates in hopes that they can walk her home, but Kiba is looking a little confused as he stares down at his slip and Shino looks as bemused as he can with those glasses of his on. She decides to leave them alone and turns to go.

"Hey. Hey, Hinata. Psst. Come over here."

Hinata looks up at the sound of her name and swivels on her feet, glancing around to see who is calling her. It's Naruto, looking shady and waving her over, while he stands next to Sasuke who seems more disgruntled than usual.

"Hi-na-ta! Psssssst."

To stop Naruto from looking like weird and suspicious for much longer, Hinata obliges and approaches the duo. "…Y-yes?" she asks nervously, trying (and failing) to make eye contact.

"So, this asshole – " Naruto pats Sasuke mightily on the back, and gets a shove in return. "Needs your help with something."

Hinata doesn't dare look Sasuke in the eye. Uchihas don't need help. "W-with what?"

Naruto looks at his friend, and can't help starting to laugh. The Uchiha fixes him with a stony glare and hisses, "You said you'd help me, idiot."

Choking back his snickers, Naruto turns to Hinata and says, "With cooking."

"…Watch the sauce."

Sasuke silently complies, shutting a cupboard and coming over to stare down the sauce like it's the most dangerous nin in the bingo book. Hinata wonders how in heaven's name she ended up in this situation.

She's in the Uchiha (side) kitchen, next to Uchiha Sasuke, cooking…spaghetti. How does that even make sense?

"…Should it be bubbling this?" Sasuke says, and Hinata is forced to drop her thoughts and rush over to turn the power down.

It's on the verge of splattering everywhere, and that makes her anxious. "Don't you even know something as basic as that?" she hears herself saying before she can think to stop herself or realize who exactly she's saying that to. When she does realize it, she claps her hands over her mouth and turns red, sauce momentarily forgotten.

It takes Sasuke a moment to digest it too, at which point he looks at her with expression of disbelief (because what girl dares give lip to the mighty Uchiha Sasuke?) and then something bordering on – respect.

"Sorry!" Hinata yelps. In any other circumstance, she would have already fled hyperventilating. But Sasuke asked her (or at least Sasuke asked Naruto to ask her), and she's too nice to abandon him, and anyway without her the sauce will splatter.

"That's…okay," Sasuke says slowly, eyeing her in a probing sort of way, and Hinata can think of nothing else to do but stare back at the sauce, her turn to pretend it's a star of the bingo book.

As if she wanted to think about him anymore. She's his Secret Santa, though. That's not something to be taken…lightly. Even if she were assigned to be the Secret Santa of Hanz ō of the Salamander, she would suck it up and do it.

Still, the audacity – and genius – that leads her to this training ground…to cry out her question in a single high-pitched syllable before folding her legs beneath her and touching her forehead to the ground, hoping he understood her…she really doesn't know what is getting into her these days.

There's a moment of silence, and Hinata begins to lose hope. Her heart is still beating erratically in her chest, and he can probably hear it.

And then Itachi smiles (though she doesn't see it) and thoughtfully says, "What my little brother likes? He values…utility, above all. Something useful might do the trick."

Hinata is speechless for a moment. Then she begins thanking him profusely while backing away, still on her hands and knees, at a speed that Lee would be proud of. Itachi watches the Hyuuga girl vanish in the distance and shakes his head, wondering where his own genin have gotten to.

Shikamaru's house. Seven o'clock. Everyone shows up on time, eyeing each other warily, because if they don't surely Ino will use some sort of mind jutsu on them to make them cooperate. (Kiba and Chouji still shudder to think of the last time they disobeyed her…)

Ino, wearing a sickeningly sweet violet cocktail dress and a Santa hat, greets all of them at the door like she lives there, before ushering them into the living room where Shikamaru is sitting at the piano bench with his usual look of longsuffering on his face.

For a while everyone mills around the room, greeting each other and talking animatedly because it is Christmastime after all, no matter how silly this whole thing is. Hinata stands there with her neatly wrapped box in her hands, feeling rather overwhelmed, before she spots Kiba and Shino near the bookshelf and gratefully hurries over to them.

"Let's start!" announces Ino. "Kiba first. Who did you draw?"

Kiba draws himself up reluctantly. "Tenten." He thinks about it, then is struck with brilliance. Taking Akamaru off his head, he puts him on the ground with his present, which the dog takes in his mouth and trots over to the kunoichi.

"Oh…thanks." Tenten pulls the slender box from Akamaru's fangs and frowns. Kiba didn't even bother to wrap the gift. "A shuriken set, though? What am I, four?"

Kiba opens and closes his mouth. "Well, the puppy delivery was a cute touch, right?"

Tenten wipes off the box with her sleeve (she's not in a dress, to no one's surprise), and says wryly, "Do I get to keep him, too?"

"No!" Akamaru comes running back to Kiba, who deposits the white dog back on his head and gives her a scandalized look. Tenten rolls her eyes.

"All right then…" Ino claps her hands together in great holiday cheer. "Who did you draw, Tenten?"

"Oh, right." Tenten turns around to drag out a huge sack of…something from behind her. "Shino. Merry Christmas, I guess."

Everyone leans forward in interest to see what she got him. Shino bends down to lift the mouth of the sack, then looks back up at her without taking anything out. "Thanks."

"Ohhh," Sakura says, impressed.

Naruto nudges Tenten. "So, what did you get him?"

"Winter melons," says Tenten cheerfully. "Five whole big ones."

"Your turn, Shino," Ino directs. "Who did you draw?"

The Aburame turns impassively to Lee, and hands over a brown paper bag. The other ninja receives it with much ceremony.

"Thank you, Shino!" he remarks, examining it with much reverence. "But, ah…may I ask what the purpose of such a bag would be?"

"I thought it would be obvious," says Shino monotonously.

"Uh…okay," says Ino. "Who's your person, Lee?"

Lee snaps to attention, and marches over to Shikamaru, still reposing sleepily on the bench. "I have chosen to gift you, the great Nara Shikamaru, with the present of a spar…with me!"

Shikamaru almost looks relieved at not having to actually properly thank someone. "It's okay, Lee," he says. "Maybe another time."

"Of course!" Gai would have been proud at the moment to see Lee's teeth go ping!

"Well then…who did you draw, Shika?" Ino sounds wary, not expecting much.

So she's only more surprised when he gets up, one hand in his pocket, and with the other proffers her an envelope.

Ino tears it open, and pulls out the card inside. "A gift card?" she says incredulously. "To my favorite…no, I must be dreaming."

"You're not," supplies Chouji helpfully.

Ino shakes her head, eyeing her gift with puzzlement (which Shikamaru honestly prefers over the shrieking appreciation he expected), and puts it in her lavender purse. She picks up a nicely wrapped box behind her and holds it out towards Hinata, shaking off her funk. "For you, Hinata!" she says. "Merry Christmas."

Hinata tears off the light blue wrapping and is greeted with the swirling sigil of a familiar brand on the top of the shoebox, because that's what the box is. She blinks, lifting off the lid, and stares down at the delicate silver heels nestled in tissue paper. "Oh. Wow."

"Pegasi?" sighs Sakura, leaning over to look. "I'm so jealous."

"Thank you, Ino," Hinata says, wondering when she will ever even have an occasion to wear them. Ino smiles like it's nothing and raises an eyebrow.

"Well, it's your turn, Hinata."

Her stomach drops in nervousness as everyone's attention turns to her. Anxiety sucks.

It's fine, right? I mean, he doesn't even know how to test when spaghetti is cooked or not. He has no place to judge her gift. It's fine. It's fine…

She shuffles over to team seven and hands over the present before fleeing back to the protection of Shino and Kiba. Sasuke raises an eyebrow but removes the cream wrapping and opens the box and stares down inside.

Everyone gathers around to stare down as well. Tenten makes a noise of excitement before articulating herself. "Wow, those are makibishi! I've never seen any like these, though."

"They're Hyuuga," clarifies Hinata faintly from behind the shoulders of her teammates. "Specialized."

"Eh? What's special about them?" Kiba reaches over to pick one up. Neji moves to stop him, but Hinata moves faster.

"If the spikes pierce your skin, they inhibit your chakra flow," she says apologetically, stopping his hand. "You have to be careful handling them."

Kiba retracts his hand, chastened. Hinata takes the opportunity to give Sasuke's expression a look, because she's been too chicken to up at this point.

He looks…pleased? Hinata gapes. And then she realizes why girls embarrass themselves for his attention so much. He's so handsome.

"You'll teach me how to use them, right?" He's addressing her, she belatedly realizes.

"O-oh…uh…okay," she says, just to appease him. Sakura coughs jealously and Ino takes the initiative to say, "Well then, who was your person, Sasuke?"

"Hm," Sasuke says, and puts down his present. "Chouji, actually."

He disappears into Shikamaru's kitchen and comes back with a large dish of spaghetti. Chouji's eyes go wide as he accepts it.

"Oh, wow!" he says, really quite surprised. "Thanks, Sasuke!"

"It's reheated," Sasuke says. "I made it a couple days ago. Sorry."

"I didn't know you could cook, Sasuke," Sakura remarks. Ino nods in agreement.

Sasuke chooses to ignore the observation. Naruto snickers away in the background. "My mom said you could keep the pan."

"I'm going to get a fork," Chouji mutters, hurrying away to the kitchen.

"Wait," Ino says. "Oh, nevermind. Shikamaru, who was Chouji's person?"

Shikamaru rummages around under the piano bench and extracts a bag. He holds it out towards Neji, who is a ways across the room, before Lee takes pity on the Nara and carries it over to his teammate.

Neji reaches in, and extracts…a hairbrush. Lee slaps his cheeks in horror at Chouji's incoming demise as the Hyuuga stares down at the item.

"You know what?" he says finally. "I'm not mad about this."

Lee deflates in relief. Shikamaru remarks dryly, "It's boar bristle, you know. High quality stuff."

"I recommended it!" Ino says. "It was a team effort, really."

Neji tries not to be offended by the fact that thinking up a present for him was that difficult.

"Anyway…" Ino avoids his eyes. "You know the drill by now."

With a sigh, Neji turns to Naruto and hands him a box. The blonde tears off the wrapping in one impressive rip and goggles through the plastic wrap at the neat rows of packets underneath. "This is the best Christmas ever!" he hollers excitably.

Hinata leans over to see, and understands now why just that morning Hanabi was complaining that the Hyuuga pantry was out of instant ramen.

"I'm getting sleepy," states Shikamaru.

Ino refuses to admit that she kind of is, too. "We're almost done. Naruto, your turn."

Naruto calms himself, putting down his noodles carefully, and coughs with importance. His eyes fix on his female teammate and Sakura get a sudden feeling of foreboding.

"Sakura…" he intones, and Sakura unconsciously takes a step backwards towards Sasuke (who starts inching away himself). "For you…I have gotten the gift of lo – "

"I am not kissing you," yells Sakura, leaping out a window.

Naruto unpuckers his lips, and looks around in disappointment. "Oh, well."

Everyone tries not to judge him too hard. It is Naruto, after all.

"Hey!" Kiba realizes. "I didn't get a present! Sakura was my Secret Santa, wasn't she?"

"Oh…" Ino says dismissively. "Well, I'm sure she can give it to you some other day."

"What?!" Kiba throws his hands up in dismay, before slugging Naruto. "Thanks a lot, man! You ruined my Christmas!"

Tenten looks at a clock on the mantel above the fireplace. "Well…I'm going to go, then. I have to go eat with my family…"

Shino is already headed out the door.

"Your parents should be over for dinner soon," Shikamaru points out to Ino, as Kiba pummels Naruto into the ground and Akamaru barks encouragement.

Neji approaches Hinata, and states, "Your father said we had to be home by eight."

Right. Hinata clasps Ino's gift in her hands and prepares to follow her cousin out, when a hand on her shoulder stops her.

"Don't forget," says Uchiha Sasuke, who can't cook. "You have one more thing to teach me."

Hinata freezes. Cooking was hard enough. But it's Christmas. Plus, her father says pathological shyness won't suit a Hyuuga clan head.

"Training ground three," she squeaks out. And so it begins.

I'm back! Also, this chapter is what happens when you re-read all of Naruto Primer.