Solace

~~~~~@~~~~~

"Chotto matte, Li-kun."

Li Syaoran paused, waiting for the other boy to catch up. "What do you want Hiiragizawa-kun? I'm not in the mood for games, not after--"

Eriol just looked at him with flat, understanding eyes. "Let's leave. I don't want to be here any more than you do."

Syaoran nodded and they walked away together.

The pair finally reached the park and Syaoran paused on the middle of the bridge, looking out over the water. "I knew she was clueless, but I didn't know anyone could be that oblivious. 'Oh, Syaoran, I'm sorry I never told you, but I didn't really love you that way. You're like a brother to me. I'm sorry I can't marry you.'" He quoted in a falsetto. Then he growled and pulled out the ring, glaring at it with enough intensity that anything less than a diamond would have shattered.

Eriol reached over and closed the jewelry box carefully. "Diamonds are easy to curse, Li-kun, and you were starting to give me a headache."

Syaoran started to turn his glare on Eriol, but realized that he was projecting his negative energy rather intensely and decided he needed to cool off. He closed his eyes and concentrated on slowing down his breathing while trying to picture calm scenes. All he could see was Sakura's face as she smiled sweetly and shattered his heart. His hands were balled into fists, and no amount of trying resulted in relaxing them. "It's no good. I'm just too angry!"

Eriol simply nodded and then reached a cool hand over to Syaoran's forehead. The brush of Eriol's fingers sent a reluctant shiver down Syaoran's spine, and then a cooling influence overcame him and calmed him. Eriol then gave him a slight half-smile before looking off in the distance. "That should help for a while, until you can talk it out and come to terms with it. I know it was rude of me to do that without asking, but I really was getting a headache from it."

Syaoran just shook his head and frowned. "It's okay. I hate being that out of control. It makes me feel like I'm ten again and fighting for everything. I hated that you know."

"I remember. That's why you hated me so much, isn't it?"

Syaoran just looked in the distance in silence for a while. He glanced at Eriol's face quickly, the returned his gaze to whatever it was he had been looking at before. He finally shook his head. "No, that was just the magic. I didn't like your ex either."

Eriol chuckled. "And all this time I thought it was because you thought you'd have to fight me for Sakura's affection. If I had known the truth I would have told Clow's chi to shove off."

"Cute." Syaoran fought to scowl a few moments more, but he found a grin forming on his face.

"So, you hated everyone with magic at first?"

Syaoran actually blushed at that question. "Sakura-san, her brother, your ex, you...all but one, yeah."

Eriol frowned in confusion. "You liked Sakura-chan at first?"

"No," he admitted slowly. "The list was everyone I hated at first. The one I didn't hate isn't on the list."

There was a long silence as Eriol tried to figure out who they had known with magic at the time that wasn't on the list. "I don't--"

Syaoran sighed and continued as if he hadn't heard Eriol. "To be fair, I hated the plush toy guardians and your butterfly girl too."

"Oh." Eriol felt like he was missing something obvious. Then he realized. "Oh!"

"Yeah. Only, at first I didn't have any idea that Tsukishiro-san had magic." Syaoran was blushing so hard it felt like his skin would catch fire.

Eriol merely smiled. "That's nothing. You didn't have to be around him with Clow's memories of...Yue. I had to pretend that whole time that I didn't know a thing, but every time I saw Tsukishiro-san or Yue the memories, well, it was, I mean, it was difficult."

"Nani?"

"Clow and Yue had been...lovers. For a very long time." It was Eriol's turn to blush and keep his eyes trained in the distance.

Syaoran chuckled softly from deep in his chest. "I guess that answers that question?"

Eriol looked a little panicked as he turned to look at Syaoran. "Which question?"

"When I was younger I couldn't get the thought out of my head. I kept wondering, after Tsukishiro-san and Kinomoto-san started dating, what would Yue-san think? Did he enjoy it, or was he trapped inside his false form, doing things he didn't want. It bothered me, but I figured it was their problem and not mine."

Eriol nodded with a smile. "I suppose I'm the only one who really knows how similar Tsukishiro-san is to Yue. Even around Keroberus Yue wasn't that warm, but when it was just Clow, well..." He trained off, blushing again.

"It must be strange for you," Syaoran noted seriously. "I can't even imagine what it would be like to walk around with memories of a past life that strong."

"Iie. How could it be strange when I don't know anything different from what I am? Though, I do have to admit that it feels a little crowded in here sometimes. But, they're just memories. There were times when everything happened with the cards that I felt intruded upon, like there was someone else inside of me, but now they're just memories."

"I still can't imagine what it would be like to be you."

"Be thankful for that, Li-kun. It hasn't exactly been easy."

Syaoran pulled out the jewelry box again and opened it. "I suppose no life is easy to live really. We all have our challenges to meet."

They both stared at the ring in silence. The winter air was crisp between them, but neither really noticed the chill. Finally Eriol brought up the reason they were out there in the first place. "I can't believe she did that to you. You two have been a couple for almost ten years, and she just now realized that she doesn't love you like that? How could she do that to you?"

"She was probably right," Syaoran admitted heavily.

"What do you mean?"

"We were just kids when I declared my love for her, and she was still heartbroken about finding out the guy she had a crush on loved her brother. Neither of us thought about it, we were just so young that falling in love seemed the thing to do, and falling in love with each other was just expected. We worked together so many times with so many things and we both had magic so didn't have to hide things from each other. After my mother met Sakura-san she mentioned how the clan would be strengthened by the influx of such magic, and she pointed out how sweet and innocent Sakura-san was, and how I could do worse..." He paused to issue a sigh. "I know that by the time I bought this ring I was doing it because it was expected. Dating Sakura-san was a duty, even if it had been a pleasant one." His voice betrayed the lingering bitterness, but a shake of the head seemed to dislodge the emotion. "I was fooling myself. Ten years ago I may have been in love, but today I was going through the motions. I do love her, but it's not the same emotion it used to be."

"That's similar to how Kaho and I were until last year. We had just grown apart and we woke up one day and realized that the people we had become weren't in love with each other. There was a lot of bitterness and resentment for the change, but it wasn't her fault any more than it was mine. We're finally on speaking terms again by the way, but I don't think we'll ever be friends again."

Syaoran finally pocketed the ring again. The sun was sinking in the sky and he had been spending half his year in Hong Kong and wasn't used to the cold of Tomoeda. He shivered, pulling his long coat tighter around his body and shoving his hands deep into his pockets. Crisp puffs of white breath were showing clearly against the darkening landscape and he realized how long they had been out in the weather. "It's time to head home I think. It's freezing out here." Syaoran threw the words out, but neither seemed particularly eager to do anything about it. Finally, Syaoran shrugged. "My place is closer if you'd like some tea or soup or something."

"Yes, but I have a fireplace." Eriol grinned. "By now it will already be started, and nothing warms you faster than a good old fashioned fire."

"Thanks. I don't think I want to go back to my apartment right now anyway. Too many memories."

They walked in silence, each following their own train of thoughts. When they reached Eriol's mansion Ruby Moon was nowhere in sight and Spinel Sun was pulling a book from the library. Sure enough a large fire was roaring in the fireplace, and the room was just warm enough to thaw Syaoran from the cold. Spinel disappeared upstairs and Eriol offered his guest the most comfortable chair in the house--the one he had "inherited" from Clow Reed.

"Demo--isn't this your favorite chair?"

Eriol nodded.

"Arigatou, but the couch looks just as comfortable. I don't want to deprive you of your seat."

Eriol smiled and simply said, "I'll go get some tea and snacks. Just wait here, I'll be back."

Syaoran sat on the couch and watched the flames dancing in their stone prison. There were images in there waiting to become visions of the future, but Syaoran refused to let the magic manifest. Right now he just didn't want to know what the future had in store, he didn't want to be reminded of the past, he just wanted to sit here in the present and appreciate the warmth and the fire.

When Eriol returned he sat next to Syaoran on the couch. They ate and drank their tea in silence, but Syaoran noticed that his companion was shaking a little. They had been inside too long for his dark-haired friend to still be chilled from the winter weather, so Syaoran decided to ask a question. "Eriol-san, you said that Yue and Clow had been lovers. Have you ever, well--have you ever thought of another man like that? Ever been interested in--"

Eriol interrupted with a shaky laugh. "Yes, sometimes it's hard not to with the memories I've got. Not that I think it's just because Clow had been...well...so inclined. I have my own share of feelings like that. I just, I think that the memories kept me from hiding from that part of me with denial." Eriol looked deep into Syaoran's eyes, clearly using a large reserve of his willpower to do so. "How about you? Aside from Tsukishiro-san, did you ever feel like that?"

"All magic aside, why do you think I hated you so much back then?" Syaoran was blushing, but he managed to reach over and hold Eriol's hand in his own. The feeling hit them both like electricity and neither moved to free their hands for a long time. That's all they did that night, but it was enough under the circumstances. It was enough to remind them what being in love was about.