CHAPTER FOUR: WHAT GOES AROUND COMES BACK AROUND

Lancer got up from his meditating position.

"I feel a great disturbance in the Force. As if someone else in this universe has decided to shoulder my burden of bad luck." He announced.

"That's great pal but where's the money?" The restaurant owner said in an irritated tone. Lancer looked at the restaurant owner as if he was retarded.

"I just told you, I am now luckier than before. Which means that somehow, I am going to receive a lot of money and I'll be able to repay you." Lancer said, making sure to speak slowly as if talking to a particularly stupid monkey.

"I am sorry but how does that work again? I am not seeing any hail of gold or river of silver." The shopkeeper said.

"Simple. I'll do a good deed and the reward will arrive from heaven. Look," Lancer said as he put a piece of garbage into the dustbin. "See?" He said.

Out of nowhere, two bikes and a furniture van suddenly ran over Lancer.

"Hi there, Setanta!" The Grim Reaper said cheerfully as it appeared beside Lancer's broken and battered body. "It's nice to know that you are so eager to die again but unfortunately, Kotomine has paid me with over half of Gilgamesh's treasures. I'll just have to send you back to life again. Say hi to Gilgamesh for me!" The Grim Reaper then pushed Lancer's soul back into his body and left.

Lancer jumped up with a yell. Nobody in the restaurant had even moved because nobody cared.

Except for the owner. He needed the money.

Lancer found two wallets lying beside him.

"Okay, we have here Furniture Deliveryman A and Furniture Deliveryman B's wallets." Lancer said. He then pulled out the correct number of bank notes, paid his bill and started running after the van.

And then died again as he was hit on the head with a fish.

"Dammit Berserker, I said 'drop the bass' not throw it!" Ilya yelled in frustration at her Servant, a few miles away from the dead Lancer's body.

"Hi there, Setanta!" The Grim Reaper said cheerfully. "You have gathered a significant number of points in our frequent deadman membership policy. So now, you get one revival for free!" It said as he pushed back Lancer's soul into his body.

Lancer sprang back to life.

He was almost hit by a fishing rod next but this time, he sliced it in two with an expert slash of the Gae Bolg.

"Fool me, once, shame on you." Lancer said. "Fool me twice and shame on-" he said.

And then dodged two speeding bicycles and a furniture van in rapid succession.

"Ha, I told you, the balance of luck in the universe has now shifted to-" Lancer said triumphantly, only to realize that he had somehow been teleported beside Assassin.

The cat, who had teleported Gilgamesh and destroyed Kotomine's hopes and dreams, had stuck again.

(Dark and Mysterious Chamber)

"Order, order!" The Evil Spokesman of the Dark and Mysterious group of loonies said. "The second meeting of the Dark and Mysterious Villains is now in session! I'll now take role call so please be quiet while I call your names."

He was then unceremoniously killed on the spot by someone.

And there was much rejoicing.

"Excuse me but can someone explain something to me?" A little voice in the corner asked.

"Yes, what is it?" Another voice in another corner answered.

"Do we have electric lighting? I mean, why is the chamber so dark?" The little voice asked.

Everyone started laughing.

"Alright guys, that's enough. I mean, this is Roa we are talking about so of course he doesn't know stuff like this." Another voice said kindly.

"We keep the chamber dark because we are Evil!" Someone else said.

"With a Capital E!" Someone else said.

"Aye!" Everyone else agreed

"Arr!" Someone yelled.

"Get out, Van Fem. Now's not the time to play a pirate." Someone else yelled.

There was the sound of opening and closing the door.

And then there was a gigantic explosion which killed every single member of the Dark and Mysterious group of loonies except for Roa.

"Excuse me, what time is it?" A voice came from the dust.

"It's the 56th of October, 20XX." Roa answered.

"Damn, I missed by two days! By the way, where am I?" The mysterious voice asked.

"A better question would be, who are you?" Roa snapped.

"I am Tohsaka Ren! My mother was killed two days ago by Kotomine Kirei and I am here to avenge her!" The mysterious voice said.

"Is that a fact?" Roa said. He then immediately ripped her to shreds and took her money.

"One thousand Shinji? What, is a Shinji now a form of currency?" Roa said in a disappointed tone. He threw away all the money and went out of the chamber. "Oi, Van Fem! Wait! I want to be a pirate too!" He yelled as he ran after the second remaining member of the Dark and Mysterious group of loonies.

(Kotomine Church)

Kotomine Kirei prayed for a sign from heaven to understand why he had suffered so much. What he had done to deserve all of this.

Besides manipulating Matou Kariya into murdering Tohsaka Aoi, killing his late Master, wishing for the birth of all the evil in the world through the Grail, using orphans as a mystical battery, breaking the spirit of every single Christian who came to confess to him, stealing the Pope's ring and hat (he did return them though. Even Kotomine wasn't that evil) and murdering the Alternate version of Rin and mugging her.

He hadn't done anything beside all of that to deserve all of this.

There was a magical spark and a blue haired little boy appeared inside the Church.

"My name is Matou Kenji and I am here to-" he began to say but he was immediately stabbed to death by Kirei and his dead body was then looted.

"Gil? A Gilgamesh is now a form of currency?" Kirei said with mild surprise. He then pocketed the money and walked over to the telephone.

"Hello? Is this the Generic Furniture Delivery Company? I would like to order twenty church benches." Kotomine said.

(Tohsaka Residence)

"You know, I was skeptical at first when you said that we outwait everyone but this is turning out to be quite entertaining! I've never seen Saber being putdown so fast. Especially by Gilgamesh!" Rin said, a grin still on her face as she sipped the cup of tea.

"Sometimes I wonder who is more evil, you or Kotomine. I mean, rerouting your alternate future daughter's teleport to the Dark and Mysterious group of Loonies was just mean. Those loonies weren't evil, just misunderstood." Archer said.

"Oh my, are you actually pitying evil people, Archer?" Rin asked.

"There are no good people, Rin. Only evil people on different sides and furniture deliverymen, who are on everyone's side." Archer said sagely. Then he flinched but nothing happened.

"It's weird. In all my previous lives, I would usually get killed immediately after saying something extremely cool or stupid." Archer noted. He turned to face Rin.

Only to find Rin wasn't there.

(Matou Residence)

"Ah, Sakura. It's time for your lessons." Zouken said, too blind too realize that he was talking to Tohsaka Rin.

"Damn you, you demonic cat!" Rin said as she dragged to the depths of hell.