Afraid to love something that could break
Could I move on if you were torn away?
I'm so close to what I can't control
I can't give you half my heart and pray it makes you whole

You're gonna have all of me, you're gonna have all of me,
'Cause you're worth every fallen tear, you're worth facing every fear
You're gonna know all my love even if it's not enough
Enough to mend our broken hearts, but giving you all of me is where I'll start.

-All of Me by Matt Hammitt

Chapter One

Kate Beckett was completely and utterly still, her breath suspended in the fleeting moment of panic. Her back ached from sitting against the hard press of the wall and all she wanted to do was move, to stand and stretch and retreat to her own bed, but…

Sitting on the floor in this dark room, swathed in the faint moonlight that filtered in through the window, a child was asleep in her lap. She couldn't muster the willpower to rise and place the boy back in his bed.

Kate couldn't remember exactly how they ended up like this, the five-year-old laying sideways in her lap with his head pillowed against her chest, but it was finally quiet. The past few hours have become a blur of shouts and tears, but if she played it right in the next few minutes, if she figured out a way to get him in bed without waking, the long night could be over and she could finally sleep.

She drew a shaky breath and freed one hand to wipe away the last remains of tears from his face.

She was a mom.

She was a mom to this boy, this little creature who had rooted himself deep in her heart without trying. His face was slack with sleep, nestled under silky, dark hair, and he looked almost cherubic in his current state of innocence. The flash of terror in his brown eyes, the ever-present pout of his lower lip, all of that visible distress was gone while he slept. For now, he was still and trusting, a sharp contrast from just hours ago with him.

Matthew was his name and Kate could count on one hand the number of things she knew about him.

She startled at the movement in the corner of her eye. Castle's hand reached out and gently brushed over Matthew's hair. He'd been so silent next to her, but his presence had been breathing down her neck, making every choice she made feel magnified with him there, the only experienced parent in the room. She'd never felt so unequal with him before.

"Should we move him?" He whispered.

She bristled at the question, taking it to mean he would have done it already, if it were him. She just didn't want Matthew to wake up, for those chocolaty eyes to snap open and find hers. If that happened, She'd once again be forced the see the hopelessness in the boy's gaze that had been drowning her all day.

"Not yet." She answered back. "I want to make sure he's really asleep."

Next to her, Castle sighed and shifted around uncomfortably. "My butt hurts."

"You can go." She said without thinking and it came out harsher than she meant. His head whipped around to look at her, a bruised expression on his features. "No, I'm sorry, I'm not saying – I just meant we don't both need to be sitting here. If you want to take a break, I get it."

She forced her gaze away from her wounded husband, feeling every bit as inadequate of a partner as she did as a mom right now.

"Kate," His voice was gentler than she felt she deserved and it beckoned her back to him. His mouth lifted into a smile when he had her attention once more. "Where else am I going to go?"

She felt her own smile starting to build in response. They were really doing this. Starting a family. And she never thought it would happen this fast, even with forgoing infant adoption in favor of foster-adopting. A part of her had feared they wouldn't even get approved, with her high-risk occupation and his fame. On paper, it didn't sound like a stable environment to bring a child into. And yet, here they were.

She dropped her head back against the wall with a slight thud. "What if he wakes up?"

Castle shrugged, his eyes dropping to the boy in question and she was momentarily blindsided with the whirlwind of emotions that swept across his face. He was feeling it, too, whatever crazy rush this was that she'd been trying to navigate since they walked into their home with Matthew today. "Then he wakes up." Castle said simply.

She huffed a sigh. They'd been at this one day and they were already so out-of-sync with each other. She'd worked hard to get this child asleep and she was not going to risk waking him up again.

Her eyes roamed the bedroom most recently deemed Matthew's, taking in the dresser that still needed to be stocked, the bookcase with more than half empty shelves, a stray box or two of things Alexis had brought that still needed to be unpacked, and the open, slightly bare closet. It was Martha's old room and the conversion would surely shock both her and Alexis when they saw it, especially since it still felt so unfinished, missing the personal touches and ownership of the boy himself. No wonder Matthew didn't like it in here.

Castle slid even closer towards her, letting his head drop onto hers. And despite the fact that she was terrified and frustrated, she couldn't stay mad at him when he was tucked next to her, warm and safe and breathing.

She felt the edges of her irritation towards Castle softening. Between the two of them, they'd faced enough hardships, hadn't they? Despite all the obstacles, Castle had stuck by her and she by him, and now there was this. They had so much to look forward to.

His phone buzzed from a pocket somewhere between them, making both jump.

"Sorry, sorry." He muttered, frantically digging into his jeans for the damn device. She relaxed back against him and hoped Matthew couldn't feel her heart hammering against her ribcage as strongly as she could. She inhaled slowly, deeply, and tried to calm her racing heart. With it came a thought that if Matthew hadn't woken yet, it probably was safe to move him. If she wanted to.

"Everything ok?" She whispered to Castle when he dropped his phone unceremoniously into his lap after tapping out a text.

"It was Alexis." He whispered heavily. Her gaze swung to his, inquiring. "I told her to wait until next week. That'll give us a few days to settle in, get used to each other."

"Thank you." She murmured. She knew it wasn't what he wanted, keeping Alexis and the others at bay, but this was so new and fragile, this thing they were building with Matthew. The thought of bringing their overwhelmingly contradictive family members into the mix right off the bat made Kate cringe. No, it was better this way. She just wished Castle could see it, too.

"She's excited." He added and it felt like a dig at her. "She can't wait to meet Matthew."

Kate smiled tentatively at this. "I'm glad, Castle. Really." She stretched her legs out as best she could and stifled a groan. Out of the corner of her eye, she saw the tell-tale hesitation in his expression, in the way his body tensed and she knew he was physically restraining himself from telling her to put Matthew back in his bed already. It was all so absurd. She should do it, if for no other reason than for her back. There was no way she could stay like this all night and now Kate was starting to lose feeling in her legs. Matthew needed to go back in his bed so all of them could sleep.

She gently pressed a kiss to Matthew's head, inhaling the lingering scent of his shampoo, and willed him not to wake up as she began the slow process of rising to her feet with the weight of Matthew in her arms. He wasn't a big child for his age so she had that working in her favor. Her body creaked and popped and she struggled not to groan in relief from moving again, even though the pins and needles sensation shot down her legs. She settled him on the mattress and pulled the crisp, new covers over him – They were camouflage print and she didn't have any idea if he even was in to that sort of thing, little plastic army men and little toy tanks, but it had been a hasty purchase born out of the fear-induced mania to buy anything and everything this child could possibly need. Matthew hadn't said anything about them, one way or another. He hadn't said much of anything at all.

She tucked the covers gently around him, then smoothed out the wrinkles. Her eyes found his face and she had the sudden instinct to brush his hair back and kiss his cheek and whisper a few comforting words to him, the same way her mother used to when Kate was a girl. It hit her in the gut then, not for the first time today, how much she wanted her mom here for this. It was almost paralyzing in its intensity, bogging her down all day – every doubt that arose, every scary thought that plagued her mind, every little thing that just made Kate feel like a parent today simultaneously had her pining for Johanna like a small child.

Castle's fingers knotted through hers and pulled her back to the moment. She let him lead her out of the room and down the stairs to their own where they collapsed onto the bed

But sleep was not easily won for Kate.

They'd all be here next week.

Jim. Martha. Alexis.

Matthew.

Her brain ached just trying to picture it, trying to see these colorful characters getting together and getting along.

It wasn't that anyone hated each other. It was never that.

Their parents may have gotten off on the wrong foot, but they'd mended things and started over for their children's sakes. They'd even formed some semblance of a friendship, but there was still so much to disagree about between those two.

And Alexis didn't hate Kate, but there was an undercurrent of… distaste? Mistrust? Kate had never been able to peg it. But she knew. Something was off ever since Kate's place in their lives had become more permanent.

And what would happen when they all gathered here to welcome Matthew, who had so far been nothing like the boy they met weeks ago?

"Turn your mind off, Kate." Castle suddenly grumbled, startling his wife out of her thoughts. He'd been so still, she thought he'd already fallen asleep.

"Can't." She muttered back, but she rolled her body into his, seeking his solid warmth.

"Hey," He said brightly, arms tugging her even closer. "You have four weeks of adoption leave and I'm stepping back from any writing projects for the time being. Between the two of us, when are we ever going to have this much time away from professional obligations?"

"What's your point?" She groaned tiredly.

He chuckled and leaned in to kiss the crown of her head. "Sleep now, Kate. Because we're not going to want to waste a moment of the days ahead."

She sighed contently against him and tried to sleep.

But then she heard a voice calling from upstairs and it struck her all over again.

She was a mom.

Thoughts?

Follow me on tumblr: skepticus-maximus-me