Take…Wait I Thought We Were Done?!

'Only joking!'

There was a sudden flash of light and a great "oof!" sound came from a cupboard under the stairs.

'Please don't be the cupboard under the stairs, please don't be the cupboard under the stairs, ANYTHING but the cupboard under the stairs!'

Harry cracked an eye open.

'MOTHERF***** BLOODY SH** WANKER PISS A*** SON OF A F****** B**** IT'S THE CUPBOARD UNDER THE STAIRS!'

'SHUT UP BOY UNLESS YOU WANT A BEATING YOU'LL NEVER FORGET!' Vernon yelled from the living room.

'HOW CAN I F****** FORGET WHEN I KEEP COMING BACK TO THIS POINT IN F****** TIME?!' Harry yelled back.

'THAT'S IT!' Vernon roared, heaving himself forward to make good on his threat.

Harry dutifully waited, and waited, and waited some more. Checking his watch he eventually crawled out and stood up, heading into the living room.

'You coming or what?' he asked idly.

Vernon snarled from his chair, this time for sure. Harry watched him haul himself up, fall back, huff and puff, see Harry and get riled up enough to try again. After a few more tries Harry realised he was getting a headache from all the spluttering insults and put up a wandless silencing spell.

'Tell me when you're up so I can be properly terrified would you' he said, heading for the kitchen to make a snack.

'GET BACK HERE YOU…?!'

Yawning Harry wondered if his dear uncle would ever make it up. He pictured the man finally lumbering in like a stampeding walrus to punish him.

Not that he'd be able to, but Harry was already mad, and now he had a headache.

'Ok Harry old boy, calm down, nice deep breaths…'

Ruddy fates bringing me back here over and over, like to see how they cope.

'Alright clearly I need a few more deep breaths'.

In and out, in and out.

Harry finally managed a smile. All calm again.

'Alright, now what was it I did last time. Oh yes'.

Snigger.

'Cheese omelette, what a riot'.

Sigh.

'What to do this time…what to do, what to do…?'

'YELP!'

Harry cursed under his breath and glared at the light bulb that had appeared above his head.

'Thank you fates. Well at least I know what I'm doing this time'.

With a smirk he finished his snack and casually went back to his cupboard, noticing Vernon had made progress. Well, if being on his knees panting on the floor was progress.

'Wonder how fast he'll move with this?'

Closing the door he pulled up a floor board in the corner and conjured up a heap of gold coins. Not real of course, but the Dursleys didn't need to know that.

'GOLD! I'VE FOUND GOLD, I'M RICH! I'M IN THE MONEY, I'M IN THE MONEY!'

Four point five seconds later, the cupboard door swung open and a beefy face peered in.

Well would you look at that, he'd found the magic word.

'BOY! WHERE DID YOU GET THAT MONEY?!'

Harry grinned and pointed to the hole in the far corner, where a clearly loosened floorboard lay. Vernon's eyes lit up and he reached in, hauling Harry into the hall and squeezing his large form inside. Petunia and Dudley peered over his shoulder, eyes glazing over and drool leaking from their mouths.

'We're rich pet! There must be thousands here, maybe millions!'

'Oh I can have that holiday to the Caribbean I've always wanted!'

'Mum can I get the new Zaplord game?!'

Vernon huffed and puffed his way out the cupboard, greed in his eyes and gold in his pockets.

'Duddy you can have whatever you want! We can all have whatever we want!'

'Ooh really?! Brilliant! I've always wanted a spaceship!' Harry exclaimed.

Predictably the selfish eyes of the Dursleys spun to him.

'You'll be getting nothing freak! Not after all that damage to our home!' Vernon growled.

'Yeah freak!' Dudley parroted.

'Aww!' Harry whined.

Snarling Vernon grabbed his nephew by the scruff of the neck and threw him out the front door.

'GET OUT AND STAY OUT! WE'VE PUT UP WITH YOUR ATTITUDE FOR THE LAST TIME!'

The door slammed shut, inside the Dursleys were celebrating their new found wealth. Harry calmly stood and brushed himself off.

'Try rebuilding the wards now Dumbles'.

Whistling a merry tune he skipped to the nearest alleyway and apparated to Diagon Alley.

The Dursleys went on to have a very rich and full life, learning to be generous and kind and tolerant and…

What do you mean you don't believe me?!

Oh fine…Vernon had the house redone from top to bottom, bought a new top of the range car, got rid of literally everything they had and bought all new and expensive stuff to replace it, spoilt his wife and child with everything they demanded, and then after they had calmed down and were ready to settle into their new life, the money was discovered as fake, everything was taken away from them, and I mean every last thing, and they were all done for fraud and put away for life. Vernon got life in prison, becoming a cell mate to a huge muscular man known locally as Bubba, Petunia was sent to a woman's prison, where she was tortured relentlessly by being gossiped about from dawn to dusk and Dudley went to a young institution where the typical punishment for bullying and insulting was to whack someone on the backside or the hands or the legs with a cane and wash out their mouths with soap.

Is that what you wanted to hear?

Yeah…me too.

OOO

Harry sat in Gringotts, swinging his legs back and forth as he waited for the Goblin seeing to his account to return. The Goblin was all for turning him away at the door, until he started reciting paragraphs from law books and politics, as his magic crackled in the background. Long story short, he reminded them that he was eligible to have all his money and all his assets and all his properties and all his business shares and there wasn't a single thing they could do about it.

Being ten years old was no excuse to deny him his right, and that was final!

He might have scared the little guy a bit.

Finally the Goblin returned, having completed all the tasks Harry asked of him, and with a smile Harry accepted Gringotts most sincere apology and the head of Potter house ring. Slipping it onto his finger Harry picked up his bits and pieces and gave the Goblin a cheerful wave as he left the building.

He may have heard the fellow break down in tears as he closed the door, but that could have just been his imagination.

OOO

He got to the bottom step of the bank before being faced with a new problem.

Harry didn't really know what to do. He'd done his school work, what, four times before. Or was it five? Anyway, he knew it off by heart, could do the homework in his sleep, so why did he need to go through all his classes yet again.

Also, really, what did he need to buy that he hadn't at one point already owned?

Besides Hedwig, he was still buying Hedwig, there was no way he was leaving Diagon without Hedwig.

But beyond that, what else could he spend his shiny money on?

And then after he figured that out, did he really want to go to Hogwarts for the Merlin knows how manyth time?

Harry pouted, heading over to claim a bench as he pondered this dilemma.

Would he be a Beauxbatons Harry, or a Durmstrang Harry? Or perhaps he could try one of those other schools, the ones that don't get a single mention but you know there has to be more than three magical schools in the world.

Or would he rather prefer to just stay at home, wherever he decided home would be?

'I could get Sirius out of Azkaban now, sort him out with Remus and get that problem out the way'.

Ooor…

Harry gave an evil grin.

He could go back to Hogwarts WITH Sirius and Remus.

After all, de-aging potions weren't THAT hard to make.

OOO

'Sirius will you settle down already!'

The boy huffed as his friend straightened his collar for the third time.

'Harry why do we have to go back to school?!' he whined

'To raid the kitchens, prank Voldyquirrell, partner with the Weasley twins, prank the Weasley twins, raid the teacher's quarters, prank the teachers, raid the restricted section, prank the librarian, raid the girl's knickers drawers, prank the students, raid the headmaster's office, prank the headmaster, raid the Room of Requirement, prank the ghosts, raid the Chamber of Secrets, prank Filch, and perhaps explore the Forbidden Forest' Harry idly replied.

'Oh yeah' Sirius grinned.

'Harry Potter!'

Harry yawned as he headed up and sat on the stool. The hat fell over his head.

Not even a second passed when it yelled out.

'HEADMASTER!'

'WHAT!' numerous members of the hall screamed.

Harry blinked.

'Well that was a plot twist I didn't expect'.

Then he grinned.

OOO

'Alrighty then where to start? I want the Sorcerers Stone in my hand by the end of the day, that way I'll know it's been sent back to where it belongs. I want Quirrell out the castle and into the hands of experienced aurors and to have the soul of Voldy removed from the back of his head and destroyed with Basilisk venom, which I will provide free of charge from the Basilisk living in the Chamber of Secrets. I want Peter Pettigrew who is hiding in his animagus rat form as Ron's pet to be handed to Madam Bones and to be doused in truth serum so Sirius can go free. I want the prophecy regarding me and Voldy to be destroyed. I want Voldy's horcruxes to be gathered in the safest manner possible and doused with Basilisk venom, I will tell you where he hid them. I want Divination to be a class only for those who actually have the gift. I want Muggle Studies to be taught by someone who actually knows what they're talking about. I want History to be taught by a living person. I want a Potions teacher who can actually teach, leaving Severus free to do what he's supposed to be doing as a Potions Master and research, taking on apprentices from sixth and seventh years only and as he wishes. I want this school searched from top to bottom for anything remotely dark or dangerous, and I will be looking over each item found. I want there to be absolutely no talk of deadly tournaments being held in Hogwarts, ever. I want better classes, better teachers, better equipment, better discipline and no talk of pureblood supremacy or any form of bullying. I want the school governors group dismantled as I have no need for them any longer. I want the school wards to be looked over and sorted to their rightful ways before a certain meddling Headmaster got his hands on them…'

Harry took a deep breath and continued.

'And I could really use a cheese sandwich right now, I'm famished!'

The teachers stared at him bewildered. Those who weren't staring at him, were staring at the boy versions of Sirius and Remus, who were staring at Harry in bewilderment.

'Is that all?!' Sirius asked.

'HOOT!'

'Oh and Hedwig would like a freshly caught mouse'.

'TRILL!'

'And some fruit pieces for Fawkes'.

Blinking the adults got to work. Harry thanked an Elf who had popped in with his and the bird's lunches, nabbing a sandwich half as he explored the Headmaster's office.

'Don't we get lunch Harry?!' Sirius whined.

Harry idly waved his hand behind him and the same Elf returned with the men's favourite lunch food.

'It's cluttered…Too cluttered'.

He turned to his companions with a grin and conjured up bin bags.

'Let's get to work!'

OOO

'By the way Harry, what happened to Albus?'

'You're asking that now?! I'm twenty!' Harry exclaimed.

Sirius gave a sheepish grin. Harry sighed.

'I dunno. After the hat made me headmaster he kinda fell of the face of the earth. I was waiting for him to make a dramatic entrance with phoney laws and bribed authority figures on his side to try and shunt me off his throne and take his rightful place as ruler of Wizarding Britain. I even came up with a plan of action when he did'.

'What would that be?' Remus asked.

Harry shrugged.

'Drop a boulder on him'.

Sirius choked on his drink.

'But there was nothing! I don't know where he went, and I don't know what happened to him. He just walked out the hall the moment the hat declared me Headmaster and that was it!'

The hat smirked from its shelf. He knew what had happened to Albus Dumbledore, but he didn't really want to share the private joke.

Harry's claim that he fell of the face of the earth did come rather close though.

***Somewhere in the deepest reaches of space***

'Where am I? I need to get back! Harry must be controlled! I must train him with impossible deadly tasks so he can be moulded into a warrior for the light and sacrifice himself while defeating Lord Voldemort! For the Greater Goooooood…!'

'I could also really do with a lemon droooppp…!'

***Back on Earth***

Harry kicked his feet up and idly gazed out a window.

'Ah well, as long as he doesn't bother me then good riddance'.

The men nodded in agreement.