Chapter 1

Sydney's POV

I'm late.

My meeting with Dixon was scheduled to begin two minutes ago when I finally enter the JTF rotunda, but I don't even hurry. Why am I late? My alarm clock wasn't faulty. I didn't spill coffee on my clothes and need to change. I wasn't stuck in traffic. I just don't feel like coming here anymore. Don't feel like serving my country any longer.

And it's been that way for the last ten days. Ever since I opened that safe deposit box Lauren told me about. What I found out about myself, about what my father and the CIA have done to me was just the last straw.

I've had enough with the spy life. With the lies.

They have controlled me ever since I was born. But now I'm taking the driving wheel back. This morning, I'm coming in with my resignation letter in my briefcase. I'm about to say so long to the Central Intelligence Agency.

Determinedly, I walk up to my desk but then I see him. Vaughn. I didn't know he was out of the hospital yet… I look down, feeling guilty. I only visited him once and have made it as short as I could. Not that I didn't want to see him. Not that I didn't need him. But I wasn't ready to tell him about my findings and I knew if I stayed longer he would have read my soul. He would have known I was hiding something from him.

I sigh. A few years ago, I would have ran to him and told him everything, relying on him for comfort, advice and support.

But not anymore.

Lauren is dead. Technically, nothing is keeping us apart. But… things have changed. He has changed. I have changed. I know he loves me and wants to be with me again. I love him too… How could I not love him? He had just travelled half a world away to save me from Lauren. With a punctured lung.

I finally look up and see him smiling at me, which makes me feel even guiltier. How come I can't tell him about the documents I found in Wittenberg?

He's now walking toward me, his pale skin making his eyes seem greener than usual. There are dark circles under them, but I can't help but think he looks incredibly handsome. Suddenly I just feel like running to him and cry my eyes out, like hiding into his strong arms and let him take care of me. My heart starts to beat faster when I realise how much I'd like to kiss his tired features, but I quickly get rid of that thought. I'm not ready yet to be completely truthful with him. And I'm not ready to trust him totally either.

"Hey," he says softly when he stops in front of me.

I try to smile.

"Hi. How are you?"

"A little tired, but good."

I shake my head.

"You shouldn't be working."

He waves his hand as if to brush off any unneeded concern and explains:

"I just came in to write my report about… what happened in Palermo…"

He looks at me hesitantly before concluding: "Then I'm off for two weeks."

"Two weeks?"

He smiles, obviously happy.

"Yeah. Fourteen straight days. Too good to be true. You should do the same."

I don't want to tell him that I'm about to get a lot more than two weeks off. Something more along the lines of… a lifetime.

"Listen, I'm late to see Dixon. I've got to go."

"See you afterwards? I need to speak with you," he says, looking at me intensely so I understand he wants to talk about us.

"Yeah, sure, later…" I say evasively as I grab my briefcase and head toward Dixon's office. I can feel his gaze on my back while I knock on the door and enter.

XXXXXXXX

"Hi Sydney. How are you?"

"Okay."

"I know the last days have been difficult, with Katya and… Lauren… I hoped a few days off would have helped."

"Yes, it helped. Gave me time to think. To realize a few things."

He knows me too well not to comprehend something is up.

"Syd? What's going on?"

"I quit."

Dixon opened his eyes wide.

"What?"

"You heard right."

He looked at me for a few seconds, and I feel like he's trying to read me. Of course, he knows something is off.

"Why Syd? Why do you want to quit?" he says calmly.

"I can't do this anymore. That's all."

"Sydney, I've known you long enough to see that there is something you are not telling me. Is something wrong with Vaughn?"

I sigh.

"No… Well… We haven't really talked much since Lauren… but… Dixon… There are things I'm not ready to talk about."

He leans forward and says gently:

"You know… Whatever it is you want to run from… It won't go away. You will have to face it at one point or another…"

I don't answer. I know he's right but…

"Just take two weeks off. Enjoy Christmas time. Go skiing or something. Forget about the CIA and we'll talk again in January, okay?"

"Dixon, I don't-"

"Syd, I'm asking you as a friend. Take some time for yourself. Think things through. Then I will respect your decision, whatever it is."

I sigh deeply. I look at this man I've been to hell and back with, I look into his warm brown eyes and I know I have to wait. For him. For old times' sake.

"Fine. I'll think about it."

"Great. Syd?"

"Yeah?"

"Do you have any plans for Christmas? Your father's mission in Europe won't be over until after New Year's Day, and… Well, the kids would love it if you came-"

I raise my hand to stop him.

"That's really nice of you. But I need to go away, I need to leave Los Angeles."

"I understand. But promise me you won't spend Christmas alone."

I sigh, because I know the only possibility is Vaughn and I'm not sure I'm ready for that. But I have to make that promise to my old friend.

"I give you my word."