Press Play.

If you're listening to this it means that I am dead. I'm sorry that it had to be this way, I'm sorry that I wasn't the dog that you guys deserved.

There are so many things that I wish I could say. But this recording is only so long. Know that I love you all and that my life is nothing compared to any of yours. If I could choose how to go, I would go down protecting the people that I can't live without. Just knowing that you get to move on would be enough for me. But that's the funny thing about life. We don't get to choose in the end.

To Lois, to be honest I'm not even sure how you did it, raising Chris and Meg. It must've been hell. If there was anyone else that could've made me believe it would be you. I know God is real, because how else can such a beautiful creature exist?

To Peter, I couldn't ask for a better friend. Even though I know that we weren't as close as I would've liked to have been, I'd like to think that we had something. If it wasn't for you Peter, I would be dead, either by drinking myself to death or a bullet to the head.

To Chris, Meg and Stewie don't think of this as the end of things. Think of this as the beginning. Learn from this, earn this. Don't live your lives always wondering what could've been, because then you're only wasting your lives if you do. Live every day as if that very moment you were going to die. Then you leave with no regrets.

To Jasper, I don't know if you're in the room or not, so I'll make this quick. There aren't enough words to describe what you mean to me. You aren't just my cousin, we're closer than that. Jasper you're like my brother. You're the one that always saw the good in people, who saw their faults and loved that person just as they were. I don't know what good you saw in me. Was it my cynical attitude, my unfaithfulness or my drive to constantly have to know everything that qualifies as being good?

I don't this to be stagnant. It's life. People come and go all the time. I know that it's going to be difficult but...the only way to move on is for you to open your eyes, turn around and walk out the door. Leave. Leave and never come back. Quahog is and always will be a pit. A grim reminder for you. But it's not my choice.

Whatever you decide, it's time to blow out your candles. And so, goodbye.