After reading one too many "Sirius Will" stories, I came up with this abomination.

I don't own Harry Potter or ever-burning bags of excrement. I wouldn't mind the former, but I'll pass on the latter.

A Parody of Sirius' Will Reading

By DireSquirrel

"I'm dead, oh woe is me. Now everybody step up to the front and get your stuff when I call your name," Sirius' image said. "My cousin Narcissa."

Narcissa Malfoy walked up to the front expecting to receive a large bag of gold. Instead she got a small paper bag, a leather bound photo album and a letter.

"I was thinking about giving you some of the family jewels, but then I remembered you're a complete bitch," Sirius wrote. "So I cashed in the family jewels and gave the whole bunch to a muggle orphanage in your name. Why, I gave so much, they're even renaming it the Narcissa Malfoy Home for Children. And I gave you a surprise in the bag. It won't open until you get home."

"The photo album has all of your greatest childhood moments," Sirius explained as images appeared in the wall. "Like the time you got 2/3 of a bag of Bertie Bott's beans stuck up your nose when you were four. I still can't believe innocent Andy actually shoved them up your nose or that you let her. Or like when you were 14 and you tried to act all snooty. You didn't pay attention to where you were going, so you slipped in a pile of thestral dung. The smell never did come out of those robes did they? And then there was the time you messed up the vanishing spell and vanished your clothes and those of your housemates during the Halloween Feast. Anyway, here's some pictures to think about when you're being all vain. When you get too snooty, it's charmed to open up and start showing off your most embarrassing moments."

Narcissa walked back to her seat with a look of barely contained white hot rage that boiled under her skin. As she walked back to her seat, the book opened up to show a picture of the time Narcissa accidentally tucked the hem of her skirt into her waistband and showed everyone her granny panties. She sat down just as her horribly mortified son was called up to the front.

"Heya Draco. You're a complete tool, so here's a bag of burning poop so you can't mistake how I feel about you. And by coming here today, you've entered into a magical contract that requires that you carry the burning poop around for at least a week. That's it. Go sit down."

"Lucius Malfoy," Sirius said. The Death Eater was worried since he was quite sure he was even less liked than his wife or son. Still, magical contract and all that. He stood up and walked to the front. The goblin on duty pulled back his foot and let fly right into Lucius' jimmies. "There you go. I've paid for 100 years of those, one a day, plus an additional five on bank holidays and special anniversaries. If you, pardon the happy dance, happen to die a horrible death (or a not-so-horrible death, I'm not picky) before a hundred years, it'll pass on to the next generation. It's fun for the whole family." Sirius paused before grinning. "And this is the anniversary of this time last year. So hammer away boys."

The goblins grinned as they took the time to slip into some steel toes.

Lucius did not stand up for some time, and then only to crawl to St. Mungo's.

"I might add that technically that's a gift to everyone, sorry Lucius, I guess you'll have to share," Sirius explained to the groaning man.

"Ronald Weasley," Sirius' image said. "Here's an American sandwich called a Dagwood. Enjoy!"

Ron's eyes went wide in amazement at the sandwich. It was larger than any sandwich else he'd ever seen.

"It's everything I've ever dreamed of," Ron said with a tear in his eye. "Thank you Sirius Black."

"Hermione Granger," Sirius said, prompting the girl to stand up and walk to the front. "I give you my own personal library. I can't give you the Black Books, but I bet Harry will let you read them so long as they don't leave the house. Enjoy my library as much as I have."

Hermione looked down into the expanded bag the goblins held. "But- but- These are all girlie magazines!"

"My dear Cousin, Nymphadora Tonks," Sirius said as Hermione sat down. "I give you Remus Lupin and a coupon for condoms. You'll have to do some experimenting to find the right size."

Remus Lupin was tied up in red ribbons, and only ribbons, with a large bow over his mouth. Tonks lit up like she was Ron Weasley getting a Dagwood. She grabbed the coupon from the goblin's hand and tucked her new boy toy under her other arm and ran out of the bank. The others present covered their eyes and hoped for a drive-by obliviation.

"Remus shouldn't have made that last deal," Sirius chuckled. "I bet he's forgotten all about it, but I haven't. Bwahahahaha!"

"Okay, so Harry Potter," Sirius said. "You get everything else. Which basically means, my motorcycle, Grimmauld Place, and the stuff inside. There was a sizable pile of gold, but I spent all that on Lucius getting kicked in the crotch daily by goblins. I think it's gold well spent. Have fun and don't be afraid to ask Hermione to borrow some of my library from time to time. Don't be a mopy face and know that we love ya, bye!"

"Draco, it's been two weeks, you can put the bag of burning excrement down now," Lucius said with a wince as he sat down.

"I can't, I really, really tried, but I can't let go," Draco said with tears running down his face.

"Oh dear," Narcissa gasped in realization. "Sirius said 'at least a week' but he never gave an actual end."

She stuck her head up in the air and sniffed. "We shall have to hire the greatest cursebreakers to take care of this."

And that's when the photo album opened up to show her 3rd year school photo: acne, big hair, gangly limbs and all. With the day already ruined, Narcissa decided to go back to her room and enjoy Sirius' only positive present, which she had named "Mr. Big."

Ron Weasley finally finished his sandwich. He leaned back, patting his bulging stomach and smiled. It had been the greatest three weeks of his life.

"Must escape," Remus said as he crawled to the door. "Must seek help."

"Ohohohohohohoh!" came a familiar voice from behind him. He slowly turned around to see Tonks all set up to have cosplay sex with a purple latex outfit, sea green hair and a pair of little black wings from her head and another, larger pair from her waist. "You won't escape that easily, my pretty! If you can move, you still have energy for me to absorb!"

"Must... resist..." Remus said before completely failing to resist.

Later at Grimmauld Place, Harry came across a Hermione who was curled up in a chair, nose deep in an issue of Magical Playboy from 1974. He smirked a little and raised an eyebrow, waiting for her to notice his presence. So absorbed in the issue was she, that it was some time before she did realize she wasn't alone.

"I-I-" Hermione stammered while turning a shade of red usually reserved for molten lava. "I read it for the articles!"