I've been watching Merlin reruns and this popped into my head during 'A Lesson in Vengeance'. The scene when Gaius enters Merlin's room and sits down on that untouched bed was so sad. I started wondering how many times he had done that in the past. And then this happened...

Disclaimer: I don't own the characters or the show.

AU after 4x13

Untouched Beds

Arthur paused in the doorway, "He's gone again, hasn't he?"

"I'm afraid so, Sire." Gaius replied as he paused grinding some herbs together. The old man looked at the open door of Merlin's room and sighed deeply. Arthur copied that gesture as he stepped across the threshold. He sank down on one of the benches and leaned forwards resting his elbows his knees and his chin on his hands.

"Morgana again?" He asked after a while gazing steadily at Merlin's room. The bed was made for once and the reason for it was obvious. Merlin hadn't slept in it last night. Such a serene sight, but it always instigated worry and fear in him.

"I'm not sure." Gaius answered and emptied another bag of herbs into the mortar. For the longest time the sound of grinding was the only thing to be heard.

"The tavern or picking herbs?" Gaius asked on a fine spring morning when Arthur hopped into his chambers. Arthur cursed and slapped his forehead, "Again?"

The physician nodded packaging some vials in a leather satchel. He patiently waited for Arthur to answer. The king mused for a while and then asked, "Just a magical beast?"

"The one troubling our Northern borders."

"The tavern then." Arthur finally replied with a grin. He took a bite of an apple he plucked from his breakfast tray in haste, "You can tell him to start mucking out the stables when he gets back."

Gaius sighed amused, "You just want a reason to yell at him."

"It's one of my pleasures in life." The king chuckled and with a wave exited the chambers again. It was a laughing or crying matter actually and Gaius was relieved that the king was taking this so well.

When Arthur entered the chambers he saw Gaius sitting on Merlin's bed. He quietly walked over and leaned against the doorpost. The physician was lost in thought tracing the pattern of the blanket.

"Is he?" Arthur just asked because nothing more needed to be said. It was quite obvious.

"He used the window this time." Gaius told him, "I noticed the sudden cold breeze in our rooms."

"I think I need to revive the habit of putting him in the stocks. That way I'll at least know where he is." Arthur joked in an attempt to lighten the mood a bit. When Gaius didn't reacted, he added reassuringly, "He'll come back."

It was late at night the next time Arthur found himself at Gaius'. The man had poured them both something to drink and the king was sipping the cup lost in thought. It was quiet at the moment. The sort of silence that only existed at night when conscious thoughts were rare and excursions even more so. Merlin as always was the exception. Arthur wasn't sure, but it wouldn't surprise him if his friend's bed remained untouched this night as well.

"It's so easy to forget that he's a sorcerer when he's ..." Arthur trailed off and took another sip.

"Merlin for the rest of the time?" Gaius completed with a raised eyebrow. Arthur smiled softly into his cup.

"Exactly, I know it doesn't makes sense."

"Oh it does, Arthur, I've often wondered how such a powerful man can get into so much trouble without even trying." Gaius agreed with a fond smile reminiscing the mischief Merlin got up to from time to time. That smile slowly disappeared the later it got. When the sun streamed through the windows both king and physician looked quite grim.

"Arthur, you need to get to your own chambers." Gaius said from his position in the doorframe. The king was sitting in a chair which looked extremely uncomfortable and just stared at the untouched bed in front of him.

"It's been three days."

"I know, Sire."

"What if he doesn't come back?" Arthur pulled his gaze from the bed and looked pleadingly at the physician. It was nothing more than a whisper, a fear he couldn't say louder out of dread it might become real.

"He will come back." Gaius promised firmly. His hands were shaking however. Three days was a long time, an awfully long time. But Merlin was Merlin at the end of the day. He would come back. No matter how many days it took.

"I hate it when he does this." Arthur went on and angrily waved at the bed. "Does he really think I don't notice his absence when he's always around me the rest of the time? Does he think I don't care?"

"What was it this time?" Arthur asked a day later. Merlin was somewhere in the castle doing who knows what. He was paler that usual, but whole and Arthur hadn't asked because he couldn't stand the lies. Not after all the worrying he had went through.

"Poison," Gaius answered bleakly, "And don't ask me what happened. He refused to tell me anything. He was upset though, more so than usual."

There was nothing else to be said and with a sigh Arthur left.

"Arthur, you need to get back to your own chambers. He can get back here any minute." Gaius said. He had just finished his usual errands and found the king sitting at his usual chair next to Merlin's untouched bed. It was sad really that this sight was nowadays more common than having Merlin in his chambers.

"I've already thought up several excuses if that happens." Arthur argued crossing his arms in front of him, "I'm staying right here." Gaius grumbled and headed for a bookshelf.

"You're both far too stubborn for my continued health and sanity." He muttered below his breath.

"There were plans! And he never showed up." Arthur proclaimed loudly as he burst into the room, "Tell me he's packing some warm clothes. Tell me he's just collecting that weird staff of his. Just tell me he's here." He ended on a desperate note.

"I never saw him, Arthur." Gaius glanced around apologetically and corked another vial. He headed towards Merlin's room, but Arthur got there first. The bed was made, untouched from the night before.

"Empty..." The king murmured, "Figures he would vanish again."

He took a step back and slammed the door close behind him.

"Arthur!" Gaius yelled indignantly when the books on a nearby shelf tipped over. The king however didn't look back, just strode over towards the corridor his hands raised above his head in defeat.

"Arthur, you need to get some sleep. He's fine now. He's merely sleeping. He got rid of the curse by himself and I bandaged his leg. I needed to give him a sleeping draught however, so he'll sleep for several more hours. You can talk to him in the morning."

"I hate this waiting, Gaius, this not knowing..." Arthur trailed off and brushed his hands through his hair in frustration. "He almost died this time. What if he doesn't come back the next time? What if he can't? The idea that he could die alone in the woods, not knowing that I know his secret, not knowing that I accept him, all of him..." Arthur pinched the bridge of his nose, "I can't do this anymore, Gaius, it has gone too far."

"Sire-" The physician started to protest albeit feebly.

"No Gaius, I've made up my mind." Arthur said as he rose from his chair, "But you're right. I do need some sleep."

Merlin woke up drowsy from whatever potion Gaius fed him last night. He yawned rubbing his eyes. His leg wasn't throbbing but it still ached. He turned around thinking he was alone in the room and almost fell out of his bed in shock.

"Arthur! What are you doing here?" Merlin asked wide-eyed, but the king didn't reply. He just sat there on a chair.

"Er, I forgot your breakfast again, didn't I?" Merlin guessed starting to get up, but he winced when his leg didn't cooperate. Tangled sheets didn't help the matter and his equilibrium was never that good this early in the morning. However before an embarrassing and painful fall could occur, Arthur was at his side gently steering him back into his bed. The king helped him to sit up and pulled the blankets higher. Merlin was puzzled. Why was Arthur doing this? And why wasn't he saying anything?

"Er, I got hurt picking herbs for Gaius." Merlin started to explain, hoping the story somehow matched whatever cover-up story Gaius had spread, "It's nothing bad, just a graze from a bad fall-"

"Merlin, just stop." Arthur interrupted him. Merlin frowned and started to worry. Why did Arthur look so tired and so...? Merlin couldn't pinpoint Arthur's expression. The king sighed and rubbed his forehead, "I know what you're thinking and I'm fine. You however... I know it wasn't a fall." He stated.

"Did Gaius say that? Because I was rambling nonsense when I got back. Just spouting whatever comes to mind, rarely coherent, you know me-"

"I do know you." Arthur interrupted again. "And it was Morgana or Mordred or whatever sorcerer that's working for her that caused that wound." Merlin gulped nervously because Arthur clearly wasn't finished.

"Merlin, I know you have magic." Arthur suddenly blurted out and regretting those hasty words immediately when Merlin stared at him in fear. "Stop panicking, I'm not going to turn into my father." Arthur tried to reassure him, "I'll never hurt you, my friend. Now breathe and try to form a coherent thought."

"Wait, you know? And you're not... That's... I mean, wow." Every emotion he was feeling was captured in those words. Arthur just smiled at that abysmal attempt and Merlin smiled back. This was brilliant, he never thought Arthur would be so calm about it. It was too much to put into words.

"Indeed coherent," The king muttered as he rolled his eyes, "Yes, I know. I've known for years now. I'm not angry or upset nor do I feel betrayed by you." He explained patiently.

"But, but why haven't you said anything before?" Merlin stammered. The joy he felt mere moments ago was swiftly getting replaced by confusion and hurt. Years?

Arthur sighed and leaned forward resting his arms on his legs, "Merlin, do you remember when we recaptured the castle from Morgana?"

"Which time?" Merlin deadpanned. It was a fair question even if Arthur appeared annoyed by it. He didn't really understood what this had to do with Arthur apparently knowing his secret for years. Unless... Could it really have been that long?

"With Agravaine and Helios."

"I remember."

"When we confronted Morgana in the throne room she said something about Emrys. You remember that as well?" Arthur said and waited for Merlin to continue.

"Not even Emrys can save you now." Merlin echoed those words from long time ago. How could he ever forget that day?

"Exactly. Do you remember what happened next? What started happening three days after that moment?" Arthur asked next.

Merlin shrugged, "Nothing that stands out." He didn't understand why Arthur was dragging this out. The months after Morgana's temporary defeat were calm and peaceful. He hadn't done anything in that time that could have given away his secret.

"I started asking questions about Emrys. I spoke to Gaius, Geoffrey and even some druids. They dropped several hints, told me about Emrys' fears and doubts and I finally figured it out." Arthur admitted.

"So why didn't you say anything at the time? That was four years ago!" Merlin barely refrained from shouting. It could have been so different. Why hadn't Arthur said something? Why hadn't he noticed? Why...?

"Merlin, please stay seated. You're still weak." Arthur admonished lightly gripping Merlin's shoulder. His friend looked so helpless right now, so out of sorts. And he hated it and hated himself for causing this. But it had to be done. So Arthur made eye contact with his friend, "I also spoke with you. I had a whole speech prepared. Do you remember that?"

"No." Merlin said honestly. His head was starting to hurt and he unconsciously rubbed his temples.

Arthur continued, "We were in my chambers and I invited you to sit down. You were confused, I'm guessing just as confused as you're feeling now and then I said: Merlin, you're my friend. I know you're loyal to Camelot and to me. I know you would sacrifice everything to keep your home safe. So I want you to know that I trust you always and I trust you to tell me the truth even if it's hard. Merlin, are you Emrys?" Arthur repeated those words he had spoken such a long time ago. Merlin blinked hard and held his head, burying it between his knees. His body started shaking and he vaguely heard Arthur telling him to calm down, to breathe.

And then suddenly it clicked. The shivers stopped and Merlin looked up again in wonder.

"You remember." Arthur stated when he saw Merlin's face and sagged back down in his chair the relief just pouring out of him.

"Yes, I do. It's strange." Merlin replied honestly and frowned trying to remember, "We... I answered that question truthfully because it would break you if someone lied to you again. The knowledge of Agravaine's betrayal was still fresh. I couldn't do that, not then, so I said 'yes' and kneeled at your feet waiting for a judgement. I was scared, so scared. I was expecting a sword at my neck. But that didn't happen. Instead you hauled me up and pulled me in a hug." He narrated.

"And you started sobbing like a girl." Arthur grinned and suspiciously wiped his eye with the back of his hand. Merlin wasn't fooled.

"Shut it, Arthur, you weren't exactly dried-eyed at the time. And then I told you everything. We ended up in the clearing where Kilgharrah usually appears and watched the sunrise. The dawn of Albion." Merlin went on and shook his head to banish the lingering cobwebs, "I was so happy, god, why didn't I remember that?"

Arthur sighed deeply and began another unfamiliar tale, "Two years ago we were facing Morgana together. You pushed me out of the way and the spell caught you instead. It hurtled you off the side of a cliff. To this day I haven't forgiven you for what you did next. You said a spell of your own, but instead of slowing down your fall – as I expected you to do – it hit Morgana. She fled badly wounded, but I wasn't paying attention to her anymore. I remember that day so clearly, replaying it in my head over and over again. I crawled to the edge, fully expecting you to fly up or something. But that wasn't what I saw. You were so pale and so far down. I could see that your leg was broken, but that wasn't what alarmed me. Blood was pooling around your head so fast I feared you would bled out before I could reach you. It was really bad. You were unconscious for days and that was even with Iseldir helping Gaius. When you woke up, nothing seemed amiss at first and then..."

Arthur paused for a moment, "You entered my chambers one morning carrying a tray with my breakfast."

"I don't understand." Merlin said. The memories were slowly flooding back, mimicking the tale Arthur told, but they didn't make sense, not yet.

"At the time you weren't my servant anymore. I made you Court Sorcerer, but you apparently forgot. You forgot about me knowing, you even forgot we lifted the ban on magic." The king explained, "Gaius said it was the result of that blow to your head, but he couldn't do anything. Head wounds have always been tricky. Your wound was healed but somewhere it went wrong. For a few days we watched and waited. Then you remembered again."

Arthur smiled in memory of that day, "I was so relieved. I had missed our late night discussions, the way you used magic to lift up my spirits when I was caught up in another bout of self-doubt. The Merlin who was my servant was already my friend and confidant. But I had missed the Merlin who was my Court Sorcerer. You were much more than a friend. You stood beside me as my equal."

"What happened next?" Merlin asked, swallowing hard at those heartfelt words. For now it was easier to pretend it was just another story. He would panic for sure otherwise.

"We forgot and moved on. Then one day you vanished. When you came back, you told me you had to pick herbs for Gaius and went to clean my armour. You had a deep scratch on your neck and when I asked what happened, you told you had an encounter with some vicious ferns. Of course I knew you were lying but didn't comment. I was too dumbstruck at the time."

"That night Gaius visited me. He told me you forgot again." The king sighed, "Gaius told us all that it was best if we all went along with it. The people didn't really notice. You were always an odd duck."

"Thanks." Merlin interjected.

"And we played along. I faked being knocked unconscious at opportune times. The knights and the guards took no notice of you as you sneaked in and out of the castle. It was exactly as before the ban on magic because all of the druids refrained from using their skills when in Camelot. Sometimes it did happen, but you didn't notice. It was as if you didn't see. It was extremely weird to watch."

Arthur leaned back in his chair. He couldn't even imagine what thoughts were running through his friends' mind. He waited patiently but always observing while Merlin tried to get a grip on all that he had told. They sat there for a long time when Merlin suddenly spoke up.

"How many times has it happened? This forgetting and remembering?" He asked, the uncertainty clearly written all over his face.

"I lost count." Arthur answered honestly and wasn't that just sad?

"And now?"

"You almost died, Merlin. I almost lost you because you forgot that you didn't have to do everything alone anymore. This time I refused to go along with it until you remembered again. This talk, this explanation is so you understand. Instead of pretending I forced you to remember. I wasn't even sure it would work. Gaius warned me against it, warned me to take it easy-"

"And instead you just blurted out that you knew about my magic?" Merlin stared at him incredulously. Arthur smiled sheepishly, "Well, aren't you going to say something? I mean, how do you feel now?"

"I never thought that I would end up brain damaged with all the times you got knocked out." Merlin commented while grinning. Arthur chuckled. This is what he missed.

"We all wondered about that."

"Guess it's a fact now."

"What?"

"Your thick headedness, Sire."

"Idiot."

"Prat."

"I'm really glad you're back."

Arthur walked into the physician's chambers and saw his Court Sorcerer floating some books down from the upper shelves, "All right, Merlin?"

"Never better." Merlin grinned but his smile dropped when he saw that Arthur had limped inside.

"What did you do this time?" He asked exasperated and motioned Arthur to sit down.

"It's my knee again, the one Mordred nicked."

"That's wasn't a nick, Arthur, it was a crater. If it wasn't for my awesome healing magic-" Here Arthur coughed loudly causing Merlin to narrow his eyes. He relented after a short staring contest, "So my healing spells need work, still it could have been worse."

"Indeed, I could have died."

"Not on my watch."

They were standing on the walkway between two watchtowers leaning on the battlements and gazing at the bustling city below them.

"I remember everything what happened over the past years, the forgetting and remembering, everything." Merlin spoke up, "Gaius is extremely pleased at that. He said my mind was finally aligning itself because it's the first time I remember both instances. He says it's healed."

"Good, that's good." Arthur nodded pleased and then sighed, "It's all my fault, I should have forced you to remember ages ago. Gaius feared it might make you even worse and I didn't want to risk it."

"I don't blame you or Gaius and stop worrying, Arthur. It's been five months now. The longest time ever between relapses was three months. I should know, I remember them all." Merlin shot him his trademark grin, "Gaius is optimistic, Iseldir is optimistic, even I am optimistic. So stop fretting, I'm finally better. I promise." Merlin assured him.

"I know, I'm sorry." Arthur said smiling.

The threats were still out there. Morgana was as insane and devious as ever. Mordred was her greatest ally and their greatest threat because of his cold logic. The war wasn't won, but they were winning. Because Camelot had Emrys at their side. And Merlin had his support. It was on evenings like these that Arthur knew they could face anything together. He kept smiling that night, even after Merlin's inappropriate comment that he was creeping everyone else out.

Early in the morning Arthur walked down the corridor towards the physician's chambers pressing some cloth to his arm. He just had a most tiring training and one of the knights overstretched his aim in an exercise. Arthur was too slow to counter the mistake – something Gwaine commented on with immense pleasure – and got sliced across his wrist. It wasn't that bad, but Guinevere's soft sad eyes and Merlin's indignant yelps whenever he waited to get something treated... Well, he knew better now.

When the king reached his destination he didn't bother to knock, just clumsily opened the door with the aid of his shoulder, "Gaius, do you have anything for my arm, like stitches or something?" Arthur held out his wrist and looked up expectantly. Gaius was sitting on one of the benches and staring at the floor between his feet. He didn't move nor acknowledge Arthur's presence. It suddenly struck Arthur how old Gaius looked. The king frowned and continued worriedly, "Gaius, what's the matter?"

The elderly man shook his head sadly and then looked away. Puzzled Arthur followed the physician's gaze.

Merlin's door was wide open. Arthur froze and the bloodied rag fell to the floor, "No..." He whispered and ran to the room.

There was no one there.

There was only an untouched bed.

Let me know your thoughts! Also, for those following Storm's Ahead: if all goes well, I'll update it this week...