Chapter 13

Haruka sinks himself further into the tub, relishing the cool feeling of water. He thought water would be able to wash away all his grief and free him from all of these negative emotions that are killing him inside. However, his bathroom, his whole house, holds too many of the memories he have shared with Makoto over the years.

When he closes his eyes he can hear the birds chirping under the morning sun, the sound of his backdoor opening, signalling the entry of his childhood best friend.

"Haru! If you don't get ready soon, we'll be late!" his friend shouts while making his way to where he knows Haruka would be. Then he sighs in defeat when he sees Haruka soaking in the tub in swimming trunks. But that doesn't stop him from radiating his warm smile at Haruka as he kneels by the side of the tub with an outstretched hand, and greets him with a 'good morning, Haru-chan'.

Haruka would then ask him to stop adding the childish honorific to his name, though his friend never listens. Despite this little annoyance of having to repeat the same thing over and over, it has become some sort of friendly ritual between the two. And Haruka doesn't dislike it. Or more specifically, he likes the routine, though he doesn't exactly show it on his face. He would reach out his own hand and grasp onto the hand of his smiling friend, who would then pull him out of the water.

…But as he reaches out his hand he can't feel the warmth of the strong hand. Instead, he can only feel the cold air against his wet skin, making him shiver. Opening his eyes, the images of his old memories vanish into the cold, dark night. The sense of loss gouges a large hole in him, leaving him feeling empty and hollow.

During the time when Makoto was first hospitalized after the bus accident, Rin have always been there for him. Assuring him that Makoto would be fine, encouraging him to continue swimming even when it reminded him too much of Makoto that it hurt, telling him that he shouldn't blame himself for what happened as it wasn't his fault at all. He was so glad that Rin was there to help him up when he felt like he was drowning.

Where is Rin now? Right. Rin have left him a note while he had fell asleep in his bed, saying that Makoto's condition is stable and that he have gone to visit Makoto to see for himself.

Haru feels a cool breeze caress his wet cheeks and hair. Somehow it makes him feel calmer and feel comforted by that feeling. Then Rin comes into the bathroom, shocked yet not surprised to find him in the tub, scolding him that he might catch a cold while reaching out his hand for Haru to grab onto. Somehow the image of Rin and the image of Makoto overlap. Although it reassures him that he is not alone, however at the same time it emphasizes the absence of Makoto.

He misses Makoto. He misses Makoto's smile and the warmness of his eyes. He misses the time that they have shared together every day. He misses Makoto's presence.

Tears start to fall uncontrollably as more and more flashes of memories of the times he have spent with Makoto before the accident. The happy times, the painful times, the leisure times, the sad times… They were always together.

Why did things have to change? Why did the accident have to happen? Why did Makoto have to get hurt?

Why?

Why does Makoto look at him with fear in his eyes? Why does Makoto have this pained look on his face? Why does Makoto smile look so fake and retired?

Why does Makoto want to kill himself?

And where was he? What was he doing while Makoto, his supposedly childhood best friend was struggling so much?

"It's my fault…" Haruka says meekly, as quietly as a whisper.

Rin tries to tell Haruka that it is not his fault, but Haruka refuses to listen, blocking out all his words, trapping himself in self-blame. Sighing, Rin lifts Haruka out of the tub before the latter catches a cold, and then he dries him, helps him get dressed and tucks Haruka in the bed. Hope sleep can take Haru's sadness away.

"Oi Haru, get a grip!" Rin yells as he looks down on Haruka who has been hiding in his burrow of blankets for days. Nudging the burrito with his leg, Rin continues to yell, "when do you plan to stop moping around!?"

Haruka continues to stare blankly into space as he buries himself further into his shell. His mind is too busy thinking about Makoto to hear Rin's yelling.

Annoyed, Rin kneels down and grabs Haruka's head in both his hands, enunciating every word clearly, "it's not your fault, ok?"

"If only I had been by his side! If only I knew how much pain he was in!"

"Makoto is not dead yet! He's still fighting death! If you're guilty that you weren't by his side when he needed you the most, this is your chance to atone for it! This might be your last chance!" Rin tries desperately to persuade Haruka to visit Makoto. He has forgotten how many failed attempts he has had. Ever since that night when Makoto had ran away from home and was sent to the hospital as a result once more, Haruka has shut himself in his room. It has been days since Haruka has left his bed. He refuses to eat or drink anything and this is worrying Rin tremendously. This is worse than the time after the bus accident. Much worse.

"I have no right to see him…"

"What are you talking about!? What 'right'!?"

"I could've prevented this from happening! I was just thinking about myself the whole time! If only I had paid more attention to Makoto, he wouldn't have to-…!"

After a long pause, Rin asks quietly, "Hey Haru, this might sound like it's out of nowhere but…do you love me?"

Shocked, Haru sits up slowly and turns to Rin with a worried expression, "What are you implying…?"

"I have just been feeling that you actually love Makoto instead of me," Rin ruffles his hair in frustration. "I know he's your best friend and all, and with all the things that are happening, it's only normal to be so concerned about him. But Haru…" Rin looks straight into Haruka's eyes with his own sad ones, "I feel like I'm just a replacement for Makoto."

Haru's eyes widen in surprise, realizing how much he had hurt Rin too without knowing and taking Rin for granted when he just wanted someone to occupy the empty spot that Makoto had left behind.

Me…? Love Makoto…?

"I…I…d-didn't know you felt that way. S-Sorry Rin, for hurting you. I…I don't know whether I'm in love with Makoto or not, but know this, Rin, I do care a lot about you. I do like being together with you, it's true. I'm thankful for you being here for me, but it seems I have been too…absorbed with myself that I have neglected your feelings…Sorry."

Rin heaves a long, deep sigh, "I'm not sure whether I should say this but, Makoto…he loves you, Haru."

Completely taken aback by the sudden confession, Haru doesn't know how to respond. After a while when the information has sunk in, Haru averts his eyes. "I did so many horrible things to him…there's no way-"

"Makoto loves you, Haru. More than just a friend. And from what I'm seeing, you love him too."

Once again Haru falls silent before saying, "I don't have the right to be with Makoto after all that I have put him through. I…despite knowing there was something wrong with Makoto, I couldn't do anything!"

"Geez! Why are things so complicated!?" Rin pulls at his hair in frustration and shouts, shocking Haru away from his own negative thoughts. "You see, Makoto he…!"

…

How many times does he have to be surprised today? Haru wonders. When Rin has finally finished telling him the whole story about Makoto's condition, Haruka cannot help the continuous streams of tears from falling down his face. He feels like his heart has been torn into shreds when he remembers every single strained smile that Makoto had put on these past few weeks. How ignorant he has been and how naïve of him to think that things were actually returning to normal when in truth, things are far from what it was like before the accident.

"I'm going to see Makoto."

"Oh Haru! You have come!" greets Mrs. Tachibana with a huge smile as she walks over to Haruka and gives him a warm hug. "Thank you for coming to see Makoto."

"Sorry for not coming to visit until now. How is he?"

Makoto's mother shakes her head as she gets teary-eyed while trying hard to stay smiling. "It must have been hard for you, too. Makoto is just…sleeping very soundly."

Haruka walks over to see Makoto. It feels as though it has been years since he has physically seen his best friend. He sits on the chair beside Makoto's hospital bed, taking in all the features of the unconscious young man. He misses the smile and voice of the one before him, who is now sleeping and sickly pale with a serene look on his face. His eyes start to water as he thinks about the things that Makoto has to face when he wakes up. Haruka just wishes Makoto to be safe and happy. How he wishes Makoto's agnosia to go away.

But in case it doesn't, Makoto needs all the support and help that he can get.

With determined eyes, he looks at Mrs. Tachibana, "there is something that I-no, Rin and I need to let you know."

Surprised by Haruka's sudden notice, Mrs. Tachibana then smiles in understanding, "why don't you two come over to my house?"

...

"So you have heard too?" Makoto's mother smiles slightly, after hearing the story from Haruka and Rin who are sitting across the table. "Thank you for telling us."

It seems that Makoto's parents have been informed by Sanetoshi during their hospital visit. They have decided to keep this from Ren and Ran who are still too young, and Haruka and Rin agrees to keep Makoto's condition a secret from the twins.

Haruka feels a rush of nostalgia when he looks around Makoto's house where he had stayed over multiple times, which feels like a distant past. However it also feels foreign, as Makoto was always present whenever Haruka was here.

"This might be a little…strange, but-" Mrs. Tachibana begins as tears are forming in her eyes again when the image of the unconscious form of her son floats into her mind, "will you two continue to be Makoto's friends when he wakes up?"

"Of course, we will! He's an irreplaceable friend of ours!" Rin answers immediately, as if Mrs. Tachibana has just asked something outrageous.

"Makoto is important to us-…me. That's why I will be by his side no matter what." Haruka says clearly.

Mrs. Tachibana smiles warmly at them and thanks them. Then she stands up and tells Haruka and Rin that she wants to show them something, signalling them to follow her. The two complies, wondering what it is that she is going to show them. Mrs. Tachibana leads them to the closed door to Makoto's room, and she warns them of the 'things' that they are going to see. Swallowing a gulp, they watch nervously as she turns the knob.

As he steps into the room, before it has even been lit, Haruka knows that it is not the same room where he had slept over and hung out with Makoto. Although Makoto's scent still lingers, it is overwhelmed by the strong smell of…paint? Having a very bad feeling in his gut, Haruka steels himself and switches the light on.

For a while, Haruka has just stood there, too stunned as he takes in the sight of the room and he can barely make out the sounds of Rin cursing quietly beside him. Haruka recalls the time when he had helped Makoto in purchasing paint and wondered about the strange colours that Makoto chose.

So it was for this?

Maybe he's still a bit too optimistic when he has heard about Makoto's condition from Rin earlier.

So this is what you see every day?

Surely, the world that Makoto has to see is much worse than this, considering his drawing skills. But if this isn't even half of what it's like for Makoto then…

Just how did he manage to live up till now?

Then Haruka's eyes fall on the small blotches of blood stains on the floor. Tears fall again from his eyes that have started to sting.

Just how much pain was he hiding behind that smile?

Makoto is just too considerate; to not want anyone to worry about him and keeping it all to himself even when he definitely needs all the help that he can get.

Makoto, you idiot…!

Wiping the last streak of tears, Haruka turns to Rin with a determined look in his eyes, "Rin, I have a favour to ask you…"

To be continued...

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