"Prenatal Care"


"Are you serious with this shit?"

Mikasa tilted her head, gave Levi a long slanted look through narrowed eyes and motioned for him to be quiet. He shuffled the pamphlet in his hands and crossed his ankles, mouthing 'whatever'.

Satisfied that he wasn't going to interrupt again, Mikasa returned her attention to the bespectacled woman in front of the room. "Go on," she encouraged.

Hange grinned, a wicked gleam in her eyes. "As I was saying, the entire process is beautiful." She held up a book, opened to an illustration—a very up close and personal illustration—of a woman's vagina.

Levi blinked, leaning forward. "What the hell is that?" he demanded, pointing.

Hange's eyebrows lifted as she gave him a dubious look. "A vagina."

"You're a riot, shitty-glasses. I know it's a damn vagina. I want to know what that is." He pointed.

She tipped the book and pushed her glasses up the bridge of her nose. "Oh. That's the baby's head. This part of labor is called 'crowning.'"

"Not that," Levi repeated, standing. He shoved his index finger directly to the page. "That."

Hange peered. "Oh. Looks like a bit of feces."

Levi jerked his hand back as if scalded, nose curling. "Gross."

"It's not actual feces, it's just a depiction of it," Hange said, laughing at his reaction.

Levi whirled when he heard and echoing chuckle from Mikasa, his expression still comically disgusted. "You're gonna sit there and listen to her call this fluid-filled-shit-fest beautiful without batting a lash, aren't you?"

"I don't think I've ever heard childbirth described so poetically," Hange murmured, grinning.

"This isn't 'The Miracle of Life'," he read from the pamphlet still in hand. "This is unsanitary, filthy, hell."

Mikasa shifted, her hands moving to cradle her swollen abdomen. "Well, then I guess you don't have to be there," she told him, her voice icy calm. "I'm sure Eren wouldn't squirm like a child at the sight of a little blood and bodily fluids."

"Jaegar isn't going to be with a hundred feet of my child when he's born."

"He will be if I say he will," she shot back.

"Come to think of it, I'm sure Armin could benefit from some first hand experience," Hange chimed in.

"No!" Levi waved his hands. "We're not inviting the entire damn legion to stare at at your ass in stirrups."

"Well, it's my ass, isn't it?" Mikasa demanded, pushing herself—awkwardly—to her feet. "My messy, bloody, possibly torn ass and nethers, right? So if the too-squimish-to-support-me father of my baby can't bear to be around for the delivery, then I'll invite whomever I damn well want to! And if you don't like it, then I suggest you man up and be there yourself!"

"Hormones make you extra bitchy."

"Levi, I swear—!" She yanked the book from Hange's hands and threw it at his head.

"Ow! Damn it, Ackerman!"

"Hange, hand me that fetus."

"Uhm..." Hange protectively picked up her models.

"Nevermind."

"Put down that fucking chair!"

"I will! On top of your pointy little head!"

"Mikasa!" Hange ducked. "Levi!"

"What the devil is going on in here?" The conference room door slammed open, Erwin and two guards pressing through the doorway, staring at the scene in front of them in disbelief: Levi, with one arm up to defend his head; Mikasa, with a chair swung back, ready to strike; Hange with arms laden with books and lady part models.

"Prenatal classes, Erwin," Hange called, her voice sing-song cheery.

"I...see..." He swallowed, doing his best to keep his mouth from twitching up. "Going well, I see."

"Fuck off, Erwin."

"Don't talk to the Commander like that!" The chair went flying.

"Damn it, Mikasa! That fucking hurt!"

"It was supposed to!" Mikasa turned suddenly. "Commander Erwin, would you like to be present at the bir—"

Levi clamped his hand over her mouth, wrapped his arm around her waist. "Over my dead body." Her eyes snapped warning and he felt his mouth curve up at the corners. "Of course I'm going to be there, brat, right beside you. Damn, sometimes you're stupid."

"Mmr stpd." Came her muffled reply, but he could feel her lips arch against his palm.

Erwin motioned for his men to leave and slowly backed from the room, closing the door and shaking his head. One day those two were going to kill each other, he was almost sure of it.

Rising from behind the desk, Hange grinned. "That was exciting. Now, if you're both settled, we can move on to the cutting of the umbilical cord. It has to be done just right or blood squirts everywhere. Here's a picture."

"I'm going to fucking puke."