A/N: I really, really couldn't resist. :D Here's a tag to 11x05 "Once A Crook" because lets face it, we all just wanted to hug Tony.
Summary: Because if he was being honest, at night it hurt the most. Tony can't stop thinking about Ziva and how everyone just avoids saying her name. Tag to 11x05 "Once A Crook". Tiva.
Disclaimer: I don't own NCIS or any of it's characters (and I don't own "Once A Crook" either). Because, lets be real here, if I did, she would have never left.
Please enjoy reading! :)

Tony walked through his door at about two in the morning. He hadn't slept for long when he'd fallen asleep in the office after Gibbs had left. Maybe for half an hour. At best.

He hadn't been very motivated to go home, so he'd decided to go to the bar for a while. He'd hoped that maybe he'd be able to forget everything for a while but it hadn't exactly worked out.

He'd found himself in front of the bar he used to go to with her. He couldn't help it these days. Everything reminded him of her. And God, he couldn't even say her name.

He knew that if he did, everyone would look at him weird. But that wasn't the only reason why he couldn't say it. He knew that the moment her name left his lips, he'd break down and cry.

And he really didn't like that thought. So, he'd tried to avoid the subject but it wasn't working. Instead he didn't sleep at night, tried to drink to forget and everything reminded him of her.

He saw her everywhere. Whether it be memories or hallucinations. It couldn't be healthy. But he didn't know how to stop it. Well, he did know. But the only solution to end his misery would be her returning. Holding her again. Touching her again. Just seeing her again. Or maybe even just hearing her voice again.

That solution seemed to be far, far away though. Out of his reach. She wasn't coming back. And God, she hadn't even contacted him. It had been a month and he hadn't heard from her.

Not even a text message. Nothing. It was starting to drive him crazy. And now people had started to notice which didn't help at all. It actually made the whole thing worse.

The nights were the hardest. He would be reminded of their time in Israel, when he'd been able to hold her during the night. The empty space next to him in his bed would remind him of the gaping hole she'd left in his heart, in his life.

At night, he would think about her the most. At night, she was there when really she wasn't. Whenever he closed his eyes, he could hear her voice, see her face and feel her presence.

But when he opened his eyes due to sleeplessness, he'd find that she wasn't there. And he'd lose it. He'd break down, cry and pour himself another glass. Something strong. Anything. Just try to drown his sadness, his loss.

He hadn't been kidding when he'd talked to Gibbs that day. It felt like she was dead. Nobody said her name, nobody even acknowledged the fact that she was gone. They had only really talked about it today. But that was only because everyone had been worried about him.

The thing was that they didn't get it. It wouldn't just go away. Like Gibbs and McGee had suggested. A good night's sleep wouldn't help. He wouldn't get a good night's sleep anyway.

And for the first time, talking to Ducky hadn't helped either. Ducky had told him that everyone missed her – not even Ducky would say her name – and that Tony needed to focus on the people who depended on him. Well, they weren't there for him, they didn't understand, they didn't want to understand. So, why should he focus on them?

He'd thought Abby would show a reaction. Something close to his reaction. But she just kept quiet, mourning the loss of her friend silently. Same went for McGee. Tony was fairly certain that one of the reasons he spent so much time with Delilah was that he didn't want to think about the loss either. So, Delilah wasn't only a nice lady but also a nice distraction. Not that Tony doubted that McGee had feelings for Delilah. But it was still convenient. Good timing so to say.

Tony had also expected a more emotional reaction from Ducky. But the most shocking reaction was Gibbs'. Tony had truly believed her decision would affect Gibbs a lot. Instead Gibbs had nothing better to say than 'She wanted us to move on, so lets move on'. Today had been even worse. His boss' silence didn't help at all.

It really was like she was dead. Nobody would say her name, nobody would acknowledge the fact that she was gone. And nobody seemed to care that he was falling apart without her.

Tony sighed loudly and plopped down on his couch. He didn't have too much to drink. He still knew what he was doing, his head was still clear. Maybe he should have ordered another drink.

But then again, she wouldn't have wanted him to get himself killed by drinking himself into oblivion. He pulled out his cell phone and stared at the screen for a long moment. His eyelids were heavy. He hadn't slept in days after all. Maybe even weeks, he wasn't so sure anymore. He wasn't sure about anything lately.

His fingers ghosted over the screen of his cell phone and without really noticing it, he opened his contact list and scrolled down to her name. His finger pressed onto the name and the contact information popped up.

A chocked sob escaped him as he caught sight of the contact picture. God, he missed her so much. He would give just about anything to go back in time and not get on that damn plane.

His finger hovered over her number. It was always like this. He would come home from a hard day at the office and a crappy time at the bar, sit down on his couch and stare at her number. However, he could never bring himself to actual go through with it and press the call button.

Up until now. He wasn't sure whether it was by accident or because he just really wanted to but his finger suddenly pressed onto the screen. The screen said that he was calling her but he had no idea what to do. Should he just cancel the call? Or actual try to get a hold of her? His heart won and he pressed the phone to his ear, his hand shaking.

"Tony?", her voice suddenly filled his ear and a strangled cry escaped his throat. He lent forward and rested his elbows on his knees, his free hand desperately trying to wipe away his tears.

"Tony, are you okay?", she asked, worry etched to her voice. He didn't say anything, just continued to cry. He didn't even care that she could hear him cry. God, he hadn't even realized that he'd missed her that much.

"Tony", she said, her voice soft and caring. It was no longer a question. She had probably realized that he was calling to hear her voice, to hear her say his name.

"Ziva", he breathed, his voice cracking when he said the name he hadn't said in one month. He could hear her take in a shuddering breath. "Are you okay?", she asked again.

"I-I don't know", he admitted. He was well aware that he sounded like a scared child. But really, he couldn't care less. She didn't say anything and he was worried that she'd hang up.

But then her voice sounded through the phone again, soft and gentle and so loving: "What happened?" Another chocked sob escaped his throat and he hated how it probably broke her heart. But he couldn't help it. He really couldn't do anything about it.

"I miss you. Oh God, Ziva, I just miss you so much. And I-I need you", he said in no more than a whisper, too broken to make his voice work properly. Again, he could hear her sharp intake of breath.

"You know I miss you, too", she whispered soothingly. He knew, yes. But that didn't make it any better. "I need you, Ziva", he stated brokenly. "Please tell me you did not do anything stupid", she begged.

He ran a hand over his face and took a deep breath. "Can't exactly do anything when I'm constantly tired because I don't sleep", he said dryly. "Tony", she gasped. She had probably not realized how bad it really was.

"Listen, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have called you. You need your time and I'm just being an idiot", he said and was just about to hang up, when she spoke up again: "No, Tony, please. Talk to me." He didn't miss how her voice cracked and that she was literally begging him to talk to her. Somehow, it felt good. It meant that she still cared. And God, that was a start, right?

He took a shuddering breath. "I don't sleep. I-I can't. Every time I close my eyes, I see you and hear you but I-I can't reach you. And then I open my eyes and you're not there and I just..it hurts", he said, his voice breaking at the last part. She didn't say anything, so he continued: "Everything reminds me of you. I see you everywhere. I-I'm losing it. I'm seeing things."

"Tony", she whispered. He gulped. "Drinking?", she asked softly and he could hear the guilt in her voice. She didn't want to ask the question but she knew she had to in order to make sure he was okay.

"Not as much as I used to", he admitted, well aware of his choice of words. "You should not drink, Tony. It is not good for you", she said gently and he could almost imagine her touching his arm if she'd be sitting next to him right now. "I know. It doesn't work anyway. I can't sleep, I can't..I can't live..without you, Ziva", he admitted, scared of her reaction.

"I am so sorry", she breathed and by the tone of her voice he could tell that she was crying. He didn't say it wasn't her fault. Because that would have been a lie. But he didn't say anything else either.

"But everyone is there for you, right?", Ziva asked after a moment of silence. He let out a bitter laugh. "They won't even say your name. It's like..it's like you're dead", he said, his voice rising because, God, he was angry.

And yes, he hated to tell her this but he just needed to get it off his chest. He knew it was probably selfish but he didn't have anyone else to talk to. She was the only one who really got him. "I am sorry, Tony. So sorry", she said again.

"I love you", he blurted out and he could hear her gasp. For a moment he thought she wouldn't reply. "I love you, too", she whispered and his breath caught in his throat. A chocked sob escaped him and he really, really couldn't hold it back. He had waited so long to hear those words from her. Sure, she had basically admitted it at the airport when she'd said 'You are so loved' but hearing her say the actual words..well it meant more than anything ever could.

"Please come home", he begged. "I cannot, Tony. Not yet", she said, regret evident in her voice. "I-I need you, Ziva", he said desperately. "I know. And believe me, I need you, too. But I also need to do this. Not only for me but for us. I need to find my way back on track to be able to give myself to you without carrying a lifetime full of burden", she told him softly.

"For us?", he repeated in disbelief. "Yes", she confirmed. "And you will come home? To me?", he asked, needing to hear the confirmation. "Yes, Tony, I will come home to you", she assured him.

"When?", he asked, sounding like a child again. "I do not know. But I promise you..as soon as possible", she told him. He nodded even though she couldn't see it.

"Can you promise me something, too?", she asked after a moment of silence. "Anything", he said, and he didn't just mean the promise. He would do anything for her. "Take care of yourself. Sleep. Stop drinking. And..wait for me", she requested, her voice breaking at the last part. "I promise, Ziva", he breathed. Sure, he'd still have difficulties sleeping but he would try. For her.

"On one condition", he then said. "Yes?", she asked softly. "Keep in touch. I need to..talk to you regularly. I can't..I just..I need you. Even if just through a text or on the phone", he requested. "Of course", she promised and he could literally picture the smile on her face.

"And now, sleep, Tony. I love you", she said softly. "I love you, too", he whispered lovingly, then ended the call. The ghost of a smile spread across his face as he lay back on the couch. And for the first time in one month, he slept through the night again, the smile never leaving his face.

A/N: My heart literally broke while writing this story and God, it hurt so so much :O But I hope you liked it :)
Please let me know what you think in the reviews section! :) I'm veeery curious to hear what you have to say and what you think about this :)
Take care xoxo
Love y'all,
~ C.

P.S. Don't forget to vote Tony and Ziva for the PCA in "Favorite On-Screen Chemistry" ;)