I see.
So this is why humans want to take their own lives.
On the balcony of his apartment complex, Izaya spread his arms far and wide, as if he wanted to fly.
But he fell instead, pulled back by a force he hadn't expected.
"WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?!"
The voice belonged to the man who always ruined his plans –
Even now.
"What did you think I was doing?"
"YOU WERE ABOUT TO FUCKING TAKE YOUR OWN LIFE!"
Izaya didn't respond, half because Shizuo's arms were around him in a crushing grip and half because it was the truth.
"YOU WERE ABOUT TO FALL TO YOUR FUCKING DEATH!"
"THAT'S RIGHT! BECAUSE I WANT TO DIE!"
"….!"
Izaya took the opportunity to get out of Shizuo's arms, to lessen the rate of his painfully beating heart.
He stood, and spread his arms, just like he had when he had stood on the balcony –
"Isn't this a fitting retribution?"
"What?"
"In just a few days, my life fell to pieces. Just like how I screwed up my humans' lives in just a few days…this is some form of karma, don't you think?"
"Izaya…."
"But all that is over, everyone's living peacefully now with their significant other and lover. Even you."
"Everyone except me. I shattered your peace in years…but you shattered my peace in just one day."
Izaya smiled from his bitter heart, and spoke as he looked at Shizuo.
"My life has already ended. There's nothing left for me to do anymore. It's time for me to die, isn't it?"
Izaya said, and climbed the balcony again –
But Shizuo grabbed him and prevented him from standing on top once again.
"You can't…."
"…Why?"
"Because you can't just die! You can't just commit suicide – don't you have something to do?! Like, some goal…"
"My only goal in life is to love humans. But my humans love each other. They don't need me to love them anymore. It's lonely, you know?"
"I'm not talking about that damn it! Just, something….like people aim for something, a job or a promotion or something….they have something to keep them going, surely you have that too! Otherwise, how the hell have you lived for this long?!"
"I have nothing anymore, Shizuo. Job? I'm my own Boss. I have three apartments, tons of credit cards, I'm a rich man. I'm more than acceptable height for a man, good looking, athletic with good social skills…all the things humans aim for, I already have."
"…I don't get it! You have it all, so why are you throwing everything away?! WHAT ABOUT ALL YOUR EFFORT IN GETTING TO YOUR POSITION, HUH?! ARE YOU JUST GONNA THROW EVERYTHING AWAY?!"
"Because it's like a game. Like the one Celty plays – Monster Hunter was it? Don't you get good weapons in a game and experience points to become someone powerful and worthy of respect? But when you've achieved all that it feels like there's nothing to achieve anymore, so you create a new character with a new job, or something like that. That's just what I'm doing now."
"…"
Shizuo couldn't counter Izaya's logic, but he snapped back to his senses when Izaya was about to slip out of his grasp and pulled the other man down, wrapping his arms around him tightly.
Izaya tensed.
"Let me go, Shizuo."
"You're always so selfish….don't I occur to you at all?"
"….I should be saying that to you."
"No," Shizuo said. "That's my line to say."
With Izaya facing the front silently, Shizuo spoke.
"You're a bastard, but you started our relationship. You were the one who wouldn't leave me in peace, the shitty flea who made an impact on my life for years and years. You never ever left me no matter how much I tried to chase you away. So why, when I'm not chasing you away, you want to leave me?!"
"Did you ever think how that could affect me, especially when I thought we could have a better relationship?! You've got another fucking thing coming if you think I'm gonna let you take your life!"
"Then kill me."
Izaya said, and Shizuo felt his heart almost stop.
"…..What?"
"I said, kill me. If you're not going to let me commit suicide, then do me a favour and kill me."
"W-What, what the hell?! The point is that I don't want you to die, SO WHY THE FUCK WOULD I KILL YOU, HAH?!"
"Because I don't want my life anymore."
"…"
"If you ever cared for me at all….then take it away from me."
"….."
"After all you've already taken my heart away. Humans can't live without a heart. So you might as well take my life away."
Shizuo stared at the back of Izaya's head, and mouthed.
"I can't…."
Izaya smiled wryly, and averted his gaze.
"….Aren't you the selfish one?"
"I'm selfish 'cause I don't want you to die?!"
Shizuo yelled, seeming as if he was about to get angry again, but Izaya responded coolly.
"That's right. You're selfish because you don't want me to die. When I want to die."
"…..!"
"You won't let me kill myself, but you won't kill me either. You don't want me to die, but I want to die –"
" – You want a better relationship, but you've forgotten I don't. Because you've forgotten that I'm in love with you. I'm a man who always gets what he wants, and if I can't have you since you're married, then it's all or nothing for me. Expecting me to smile and agree to a better, platonic relationship with the one I'm in love with, isn't that selfish and even cruel?"
"I…."
"You get it right? Why I want to die."
Izaya said calmly but he wasn't meeting Shizuo's eyes.
"You're the only one for me, the only one I will be in love with, because my love for humans will always be platonic. So if I can't have you, I have nothing at all. And I'm not going to live the rest of my life in unrequited love with you."
"…So, just let me die."
He said this as he turned and looked Shizuo in the eyes.
Shizuo struggled to form words, a maelstrom of emotions in his brown eyes.
"But you can't….I need you…."
"You don't need me. You may want me as an acquaintance now, but you don't need me. You have what you've wanted all your life, a peaceful life. You even have a wife now who's not afraid of you, who loves your strength. You've become the man you always wanted to be."
"That's why, I have no more purpose in your life anymore. Still, I'd be happy if you just didn't forget our past."
Izaya smiled, and looked up almost timidly at Shizuo.
"…If you didn't forget me."
Shizuo stared, then lunged forward and embraced Izaya, holding him to his racing heart.
"Not now…..damn it not now! You can't leave me now!"
…
Something in Shizuo's voice broke something in Izaya.
"Please…."
Tears formed in Izaya's eyes as he choked, his head against Shizuo's heart.
"Kill me, Shizuo! Please kill me!"
The tears fell and Izaya sobbed, clutching desperately at the shirt of the man he had yearned for years.
"I….don't want to live anymore….!"
"I'm no longer the man I used to be, and I don't know how to get myself back!"
…
Shizuo blinked rapidly as if to clear his own tears away.
"We…can figure out something."
He managed, as he pulled back and brushed Izaya's tears away.
"….Shinra. Yeah, Shinra. He's your friend. Kadota too! And – that woman, she came up to me after she left you. She defended you. She definitely cares for you! And your sisters, Mairu and Kururi, you can't just leave them behind! And you know Akane too, don't you?! Even that bastard Shiki, he said I took you away from them, he needs you!"
"You can't….just leave them all behind!"
Izaya looked at him with tearful eyes and a tear slid out of Shizuo's eye as he held Izaya close to him again, squeezing his eyes shut –
"Please Izaya….don't leave me!"
…
"Why….are you being so cruel?"
Izaya said blankly as he stared into nothingness.
"I'll – love you. Yeah if it's love that you want, I'll give it to you! I can't…leave her, I can't leave Vorona but I can – l-love you, so….."
Izaya closed his eyes.
"That just really hurts…."
"What? Why?! Isn't that what you want?! To be honest, I'm not entirely sure I love Vorona, so I can –"
"But you can't leave her right? You already have a responsibility to her as her husband, since you married her. And you're a man who takes your responsibilities seriously, aren't you? Don't make me become a homewrecker, Shizuo. I may have fallen low, but I won't lower myself to being your affair, your 'mistress'. I'd rather die."
Shizuo stared, then moved as if to kiss him but Izaya put a hand in front of his face, tears rolling down his cheeks.
"Please…."
"I don't…want to suffer like this…..anymore!"
Shizuo moved back and Izaya lunged and grabbed his shoulders with trembling hands as tears fell out of his eyes.
"PLEASE!"
…
…
He'd thought he had a chance.
For even though Izaya was speaking as if he wanted to die, which he did –
He was doing so calmly, as if he was thinking about death logically not emotionally.
Shizuo hadn't known a storm of emotions lied behind Izaya's emotionless façade –
A storm which blew even him away.
Izaya was broken.
And Shizuo didn't even know if he could put him back.
…
"You're only….25…don't you have your whole life ahead of you…?"
Shizuo said as if in a last ditch attempt, sounding exhausted himself.
"26."
Izaya said and was silent, and Shizuo grabbed his hand.
"Aren't you a man who lives for himself?!"
"That's right but I have nothing to live for anymore."
Izaya didn't even sound like he was trying to convince Shizuo. He sounded as if he knew he couldn't convince Shizuo anymore, and was just saying the simple truth.
"I…want you in my life."
Shizuo confessed softly, and Izaya smiled bitterly. "If only you said this years before." He murmured.
"I want to die…Shizu-chan."
"So…please….."
Izaya lowered his head.
"At least….let me die happy…my beloved Shizu-chan."
…
"I'm sorry…."
"I'm so…sorry…!"
…
Shizuo let out a sob, and Izaya smiled.
"…do it, Shizu-chan."
…
Izaya said, and looked up.
…
Shizuo was crying.
Izaya held back his own tears as he gave Shizuo his last, genuine smile.
…
"I love you, Heiwajima Shizuo...always."
…
Shizuo kissed Izaya.
…
Izaya kissed Shizuo back.
…
Their tears mixed together on their faces.
Realizing his monster's hands and mouth were cutting off his air supply, Izaya smiled and fooling himself the only one he had ever loved, loved him in return, touched and kissed his beloved monster for the first and last time –
Closing his eyes and surrendering himself, body and soul, to the only one who could be his equal.
…
Shizuo withdrew from Izaya, and looked on with solemn eyes at the unconscious figure in his arms.
Izaya was smiling, smiling in his last moment.
He sighed.
"I loved you once."
Shizuo confessed, his hand on Izaya's pale cheek, brown eyes soft.
"But you didn't love me. I'm sorry, but I had to move on. I'm a selfish person. I had to find someone who returned my love. I wasn't satisfied with my unrequited love for you."
"Though, some part of me will always be in love with you."
He brushed his thumb gently against Izaya's cheek.
"Izaya. The only one who didn't fear me."
He reached out towards Izaya's neck.
…
"…Rest in peace, Orihara Izaya."
…
Heiwajima Shizuo closed his eyes as he gave Orihara Izaya his last, final wish.
…
…
…
END
…
…
…
Now before you attempt to 'kill' me, know that this is the original ending I planned and it isn't some impromptu ending because I wanted to end the fic fast.
It might be a bit far fetched for Izaya to want to commit suicide or die, but the Izaya in this story is fallen and not his usual self. Also he stated in the novels he would rather die than be seen by a monster after his and Shizuo's death match (novel readers might be able to find an ironic parallel in this chapter to that scene) in which he was ready to die by Shizuo's hand even though he told Celty he was scared of death. And Shinra said he would hate suffering the most.
There are issues left unresolved and secrets in the dark. Shizuo doesn't know Vorona attempted to take advantage of Izaya, Izaya didn't know Vorona may not have had her wedding night with Shizuo and Izaya didn't know Shizuo was in love with him once. And Izaya didn't know Shiki was administering shock therapy and he didn't really betray him. Akane would not know about Shiki's and Shizuo's conflict either. And by moral rights, these issues should be resolved but are they in reality? Many people keep secrets from others because of ego and pride and to protect themselves. As Izaya himself said, no human being can live life completely uncorrupted and that was what I wanted to show here. Misunderstandings occur, people get hurt because unlike in a story, people can't read others' minds and look at the situation from a different point of view (especially if they're being controlled by their emotions).
It wasn't Shiki's assault that caused Izaya's sudden desire for death. It was all the things that happened since then, (he was already thinking he felt like his life had already ended) and Shiki's assault just pushed him over the edge. Someone said suicide is simply just pain coping capability exceeding resources to cope, and that's kind of what happened with Izaya. He wasn't weak. He stayed quite strong. He just didn't have 'resources' to cope anymore with the constantly changing circumstances and increasing pain, one of those being his run-and-chase relationship with Shizuo because Shizuo forgave him. And he never prepared for such a situation, of him being fallen. It's not like Namie and Kadota didn't help, it was just sadly not enough for Izaya who saw the opportunity to stop his suffering and at least die happy by Shizuo's hand.
If Izaya had stopped to think, maybe go on a parkour run to clear his mind, perhaps he wouldn't have chosen death. Perhaps he'd have thought of Namie and Kadota and Shinra's request for him to be the Best Man at his and Celty's wedding. Perhaps he'd think of how he wouldn't be able to free-run (parkour) if he was dead, and how he himself had told Manami death is nothingness and prevented her and her friend from committing suicide and how he said he didn't understand why humans want to take their own lives.
But he didn't. Because humans, don't, can't think when they're controlled by their emotions. Especially when they're kept bottled up. Feelings prevent rationality especially in needed, troubled times. In another moment, he might not have wanted to die, but at that moment he did - and Izaya is a man eternally true to his own desires.
Being affected by little things like that - that's just human nature.
…
…
…
If this is really saddening, there is an optional sequel just like to 4th of May. This trilogy is like a universe alteration (there are a few ways it could go). But I wanted to complete the story easiest to complete so I would have less stories to juggle with, so I'm not going to post it anytime soon. No point aiming to complete a story only to start another one, right? I personally am glad I can change the story's status to 'Complete', it's such a refreshing thing.
So that's it, that's the end of this fic. Thanks for reading.