/please understand that i absolutely love Gavin, Michael, Lindsay, and everyone else at RT. this was not made to offend anyone or them. i apologize if i have.

Why?

Why is it that whenever I find someone- someone who truly seems to be the person I want, that ideal human being who I could see myself spending infinities with- that their life is already in at full speed, heading straight for the future that they so dearly want?

He sits so close- Michael, my lovely little boi- inches away from me. He's too focused on editing his videos to notice me staring, and I'm thankful for that. During the day, it's hard to concentrate with him being so- so…

So Michael Jones-like. Everything about him sends me over the edge.

His auburn curls.

His deep brown eyes.

His snarky laughter.

His goofy smile.

His arms as they wrap themselves around me and tackle me to the ground.

His face, so beautiful, so perfect in every way.

His fist whenever we bump ours together. I swear every time we do, it's a shockwave through my being, his electricity running through me like i was drenched in water. It paralyzes me, his touch.

He's all I think about. He fills my thoughts, my dreams, my mind overcome by him. My boi, my Mogar, my Michael.

Only he's not mine.

He's got someone, someone he wants, someone he loves and who loves him back. Someone he's going to be happy spending the rest of his life with. Someone to sleep with him on cold winter nights, someone to play video games with until the sun rises, someone who can give him better than I ever could have.

Someone better than me.

I'll never be good enough for him, good enough for anybody. Especially not him.

The reason I'm drenched in this water is because life is raining down on me, soaking me with cold reminders of our nonexistent future together. But his electricity sets me aflame, paralyzing and burning me. I'm freezing in the windy rain, burning from the flames, shocked from the inside.

The pain takes me over, leaves me wishing I couldn't feel anything, that I was numb to it all.

I don't want to live in a world without him by my side.

I can't do this anymore.

"Gavin?" Geoff called as he entered the house.

Silence.

He groaned. Where the fuck is he? I need his help with this Let's Build…

He knocked on the door to Gavin's room. "Gavin? C'mon dipshit, I need your help with this."

No answer. Geoff pressed his ear to the door and knocked again. He could just barely hear out a soft whimpering.

"Gavin?" Geoff twisted the doorknob, now officially worried.

Locked… shit.

"Gavin, open the door. Let me in."

No response from the other side.

"Gavin, open the fucking door! This isn't a joke!"

Geoff dashed to the kitchen and grabbed a knife. Kneeling at Gavin's door, he shoved it into the lock, twisting frantically.

It seemed like forever before it finally clicked. Geoff shoved the door open.

"Gavin!"

Light flooded the dark room. A form shuddered in the corner, hugging his knees to himself and facing the wall.

"Gav… Gav, I'm coming in." Geoff hurried over to him, before he tripped over something and landed on his side.

What the fuck… Geoff rubbed his elbow. He looked at the floor around him and froze.

Two empty liquor bottles and several white containers littered the area.

He's been drinking… and what are…? Geoff picked up a container and read the label.

Ibuprofen?

He picked up another that read Lunesta.

He shook them both. Empty… shit!

"W-what are-?"

"G-Geoff," a shaky, slurring British voice spoke for the first time since Geoff had gotten home.

Geoff whirled around to look at the lad.

Gavin lifted his head up and faced the older man. His eyes were watery, tears streaming down his face. His flyaway hair was matted. He was pale, shaking, and looked like death.

"Geoff," Gavin repeated, not sounding at all like himself. He turned his whole body around, exposing what he had kept to himself.

Geoff's eyes widened and he inhaled sharply, an expression of horror on his face.

Gavin's forearms were covered in slashes, ribboning and crisscrossing across his tanned skin. His wrists were open further than any of the other cuts. Blood stained his clothes, poured out of his damaged skin, covered him in a coating of shining red.

Gavin…!

"Geoff, I did a dumb."