I'm a Barbie Girl?
Written for Emily at Sailor Moon Land
by Kihin Ranno
2011
1/1

They were surrounded. Despite their best efforts to cut them down, they could not turn their heads without seeing their little faces with their ever present, clownish smiles. All of the exits were blocked. All around them was pink, pink, pink.

Barbies, Barbies everywhere.

Makoto released the kind of sigh you would expect from someone drowning in rosy, plastic cheerfulness. "I give up."

Minako cackled, something she'd been indulging in for the past few hours. "I would say I will not say I told you so, but I TOTALLY told you so."

"Shut up, Minako," Rei grumbled, exhausted beyond the point of clever comebacks.

"It's certainly not as easy as it looks," Ami admitted.

"And to think, I was a little tickled to be made into a Barbie doll," Makoto mused, lifting hers up for inspection. "I mean, the detail is a lot better than some of the other brands. I'm even taller than the others!"

Minako grinned wickedly. "But?"

Makoto glared at the blonde on the off-chance that it would wipe that annoying look on her face. Unfortunately, it had the opposite effect. Minako's smile widened and her eyes glittered alarmingly.

"I will hurt you," Makoto informed her solemnly.

Minako shrugged, unconcerned. She turned to Ami, who could always be counted on to see reason. "But?"

Ami gave Makoto a truly apologetic look. "Agreeing to let them use our image and sign 1,000 boxes each was... a mistake."

Minako crowed triumphantly, holding her arms aloft. "Thank you, ladies and gentlemen! Aino Minako is proven right once again! Please hold your applause; it's redundant at this point."

Rei chucked one of the Sailor Mars dolls at Minako's head. Infuriatingly, the girl caught it expertly. She flashed her trademark v-sign with her free hand just to rub it in.

"I did try to warn you," Minako said, tossing the box aside and sobering. Just a little. "They caught me in the same trap during the Sailor V days. 'We'll give you an obnoxious percentage of the royalties and make sure the dolls aren't crap, and all you have to do is sign 1,000 boxes a month.' Fun, it was not. My hand cramps were so bad I could barely aim the crescent beam."

Makoto arched an eyebrow. "I'm suddenly wondering if this was part of the reason you faked your death."

Minako mimed zipping her lips shut and locking them up for good measure. The look in her eyes seemed to confirm their worst suspicions, however.

"All right," Rei snapped. "You're a genius for not getting in on the deal. Good for you! Want a cookie?"

"Yes, please," Minako chirped. "Chewy, not crunchy, preferably with chocolate."

Not for the first time, Makoto was glad Minako was so fast and adept at dodging. Rei would make her suffer once her hands stopped throbbing.

"Of course," Rei continued, shifting hostilities for the time being. "This could be going a lot faster if someone knew their kanji."

All four sets of eyes swiveled to the center of the room, where the smallest of them was surrounded by the tallest pile of dolls waiting to be signed.

Usagi looked at each of them in turn, eyes red-rimmed and beginning to twitch. She sniffled bravely.

"When I rule the world, I'm going to outlaw kanji."

"And Barbies?" Makoto asked hopefully.

"And Barbies."