Sam's Confession

Summary: The fights and bitterness between them have finally driven Sam past the breaking point, forcing him to make a choice that he might not return from. He leaves Dean everything including a heartbreaking confession on the laptop that not only reveals some things Dean didn't know of that lost year but also a startling secret that Sam's kept for thirteen years…a secret that forces Dean to examine a lot as he rushes to not only save Sam but to face how much he's willing to change. *Angsty/depressed/dark thoughts/suicidal!Sam & Upset/ angry/concerned!Dean* Set in S8 between Torn and Frayed and LARP & The Real Girl. (Dean/Sam) 1st time Wincest.

Pairings: Dean and Sam

Warnings: I'll warn for language. I'll also toss out warnings for triggers since the beginning of this piece if kind of dark with suicidal thoughts and attempted suicide (This IS NOT a death Fic). It'll also have the usual warning for explicit stuff since this will be Wincest by the end.

Disclaimer:I don't own anything. This is written for the enjoyment of fans.

Author Note: Yes, I have a couple plots in mind for the season opener but wanted to get this one out of my head first. Instead of making a huge one-shot I'll probably do a couple short chapters. Yes, it's a dark piece but I promise to fix things by the end. Story is nearly finished so the next few chapters will post quickly.

Chapter One

"'Benny's been a better brother to me than you have.'"

Those words were still echoing through Sam Winchester's head even after nearly a week. Unlike the things his older brother had said in the motel room while possessed by that cursed coin, Sam couldn't shrug these words away as Dean being under the control of something or someone.

No, those words were said plainly. They were said because Dean was still hurt and angry that Sam left hunting and hadn't looked for him or so he thought.

Dean had been tossing the little jabs out every once in a while but that day he'd been pushed to the limit and maybe Sam didn't blame his brother for feeling betrayed or for thinking that a vampire from Purgatory was better for him than the brother that had looked up to him for nearly thirty years.

Stirring the pot of chili on the stove while watching the clock to gauge the time he had left before Dean got back from a supply run to town and the bar he was certain his brother would stop at, Sam felt for what he'd had in his pocket since picking them up the other day.

"'I never once betrayed you. I never once left you to die. And for what, a girl? You left me to die for a girl?'"

Between the words said over Benny and the anger Dean felt at what he felt was the ultimate betrayal Sam knew there was no going back for him…for them.

He couldn't possibly explain the truth to Dean about that lost year without his brother either not believing him or being ashamed and the side of Sam that still looks for his big brother's acceptance and pride couldn't bear to see either in Dean's eyes.

The younger Winchester knew his brother would never forgive him for what he believed had kept Sam from looking for him. That also meant that Sam could never tell Dean what he sincerely wanted to tell him, what he'd wanted to confess since they were both teenagers.

If Dean was pissed at him now Sam figured he could see what the reaction to this confession would be if he did it face to face. That was the reason he'd left it on the laptop and could only hope Dean listened to it all the way before deciding to cut his losses.

Sam wasn't sure who Dean had been protecting by faking the text message from Amelia that took Sam away from the case with Benny to go back to Kermit; him or the vampire.

He liked to think that maybe it was him but the other side of his brain, the side that accepted that he'd been replaced again, suspected that he'd gotten Sam away from that small town in Louisiana to keep the vampire alive even though they both know Benny probably could've killed Sam easily right then.

The distractions of keeping his own secrets, bad and worse, seemed to be taking Sam off his game a step and that would get one of them hurt sooner or later.

He didn't want to see Dean hurt because of his mistakes but he also knew he couldn't stand for the day to come when Dean decided to walk away out of shame, anger or disappointment.

After helping Dean on this last case, after Castiel got all weird on them and vanished, his brother had finally said he would understand if Sam walked away. He wouldn't hold him back from having the normal apple pie life Sam had always wanted.

"It's not that simple," Sam whispered, shutting the chili off while checking to be sure everything in the old cabin was in order and clean.

It wasn't normal with Amelia that Sam wanted. It had never been normal with anyone that Sam truly ever wanted but he knew that he could never expect his older brother, his flirt and have sex with anything in a skirt and high heels brother to understand the truth behind what Sam has always wanted.

He could never tell Dean what he needed to and not lose his brother so Sam had chosen the only other way out that he could see plausible even if it would make Dean more ashamed of him because he was a Winchester and Winchesters weren't cowards.

Sam didn't consider his choice to be cowardice. He considered it the only way to shield his brother because if he wasn't around and anyone came looking they couldn't use Dean to hurt him and he couldn't hurt his brother if the truth ever came out of what he'd been hiding for thirteen years.

He wouldn't make Dean more hurt or ashamed than he was of him if he ever learned who it was Sam really wanted to be with.

Making sure the laptop was where Dean would see it when he walked in the cabin door; Sam removed all but his ID and Dean's cellphone number from his wallet and left his cellphone next to the laptop. Where he was going he wouldn't need any more than that and what he also carried in his pocket.

Walking into his room, he checked to be sure everything was sorted into piles of things that he thought Dean could still use to a pile that could be donated and finally a pile that should be burned to reduce the chance of spiritual clinging.

The small note in his pocket would assure everything else after the end would be handled and all Sam could do was hope his brother would still care enough after listening to the confession to honor his last request.

Digging through his duffel, the last thing Sam had taken care of unpacking and sorting through to put all the weapons in the weapons bag while slipping a couple older keepsakes into his brother's duffel because it hurt too much to pitch them.

The three items in his hand Sam carried back out to place on the table on top of the card he bought when the idea first came to him after his and Dean first huge fight after his brother's return from Purgatory and when it became plain to Sam just how badly things were between them again.

"I'm sorry, Dean," he wished he could say goodbye in person but Sam knew it would hurt even more to see the cold detached expression in green eyes he'd grown up watching to be able to gauge Dean's emotions. "Forgive me as much as you'll be able to."

Sam shivered in the cool night air but didn't think of getting his jacket because that would just be one more thing his brother or someone would have to dispose of.

The old run down car would run enough to get Sam as far as he was going. He wasn't sure why he'd chosen to return to Kermit, Texas for this but if he was being honest with himself then he guessed it only fitting to choose to end his life where he'd come so close to dying before.

Of course he accepted the odds of Dean learning about that other time if he did follow him high but by that time it wouldn't matter if he learned the real reason Sam stayed in Kermit for two months after nearly destroying himself in countless failed attempts to find his brother.

It wouldn't matter because Sam would be dead and Dean could move on with either forgiving him or hating him for it all since he hadn't kept anything back in the recorded confession...including the one secret that Sam had sworn never to reveal but had to finally be honest about it now as he touched the bottle of pills in his pocket again.

"Goodbye, Dean."

TBC

A/NII: Yes, I know. I cliffhanged it but would you rather have a long one-shot than some short chapters? Trust me. I always fix things by the end of the third chapter…hoping it's a 3 chapter piece.