Two Minds, One Choice

Chapter 1, Jac's Perspective

I lay there, staring at the crisp white ceiling, reflecting on the day, all the things that happened, the emotions all flooding back at once, running through my mind, blame, hurt, jealousy and love; emotions I found difficult to show to others, scared to appear weak and vulnerable, am I letting my guard down? Am i showing my emotions to him?. As I lay there in my office, away from the chaotic hustle and bustle of Darwin, locked away in my own little bubble to think about today's events, feeling insecure, alone and scared, scared at the thought of being alone, being without him when i needed him most, i needed him more than ever and he had walked away from us, walked away from what he, what we both had wanted for a while now, to be a proper family, a normal family for our little girl, in the same house to care and look after her and make her feel safe. After a while, I felt my baby, our daughter move around, as if to give me a sign that everything was going to be ok, i know i shouldn't be jealous, they're old friends, just catching up, but i couldn't help it, Was I being over bearing, over protective towards the man, the father of my child, the man who I let into my life, into my space for him to crush my heart, walk away, leaving behind the key to my flat, my heart after him begging and pleading with me to let him in. How can I love him so much when im so angry with him? Maybe we weren't meant to be, maybe it was a mistake? I cant help but feel that its my fault, my fault for being so cold hearted towards him all along, for being a bitch for when all he wanted was to love me and this is all i gave him in return. But i can't think that, I have to hear it from him, I have to hear his side of the story, I have to think about our little girl, i want her to have everything i never had, a family. I finally pulled myself together after a few moments and made my way towards the locker room, grabbing the keys off of my desk as i walked by.

As i approached the locker room, i prayed that Jonny hadn't come back, as he usually forgot to pick something up almost everyday without fail. Finally i plucked up the courage and entered the room to find it empty, i was hit with an overpowering sense of relief, i couldn't face him seeing me like this, i felt like he had won and his prize was my misery and upset. I quickly got dressed out of the baggy scrub that i had worn for my shift, and stared down at my small, perfectly rounded bump, where my girl lay, oblivious to the drama and hurt between me and her daddy, how he made me feel. I then slipped on my baggy shirt and a pair of legging and headed home for a much needed sleep. As i reached the stairwell, i caught a glimpse of him, with her in the corner of my eye, in the car park, laughing a joking as he fumbled around in his bag. I then remembered that he had drove us both in last night, as i felt exhausted and he didn't want me to have an accident, protecting me and our unborn daughter. I stood there and watched the pair as they spoke to each other, resting my left hand gently on my bump and my right on to the banister, to give me support, as i felt a rush of emotion hit me with little warning as i looked at him, at what i thought i had lost. A few moments later I had composed myself enough to make my was to my car, as i took my first steo my phone began ringing, it was him, i was in two minds about answering it, would i let my emotions get the better of me when i heard his voice or would i just be angry at him for leaving the key, i know it sounds silly but its how i felt.

Finally i answered the phone to him saying softly, "Hey Naylor, where are you? I have the car keys, oh and I cant seem to find the flat keys, have i left them on your desk by any chance?, i cant remember!" I paused for a moment, looking out the window to see him standing there alone, leaning on the bonnit of my car, thinking about what he had just said, he forgot, i knew how forgetful he could be but i still felt hurt, i still felt the thought of her coming between me and Jonny pulling at my heart strings, filling me with all these different emotions that i was all to familiar with but unable to let them out. After a few seconds of silence he spoke again, "Hello Jac are you there sweet heart? Answer me!" his voice filled with worry and sympathy, "Yes im here, I-I im on my way ill be 5 minutes, just wait there!" I finally replied, fighting back the tears as i spoke. I put the phone down and stood there, still holding onto the banister as i stll felt unsteady on my feet.

5 minutes later, i exited the building, leading on to the car park, my eyes fixed on my bump as i walked towards my car. As i got there, he walked up towards me, wrapping his arm around me as he reached me, he began to hug me tighter, as he saw the expression on my face, the upset that was clearly showing for all to see. I felt weak, too weak to even pull away from him, from the person who caused all this heartbreak, jealousy and abandonment without him even knowing. Secretly i felt safe, i felt safe in his arms, listening to his heart pounding against him chest. A few minutes later he released me and looked into my eyes, i looked back into his as he began to speak, "Is everything ok sweetheart? You can tell me you know!" He said in a soft voice, i shrugged it off, as always, not wanting to him that i was feeling vulnerable and weak, we both stepped into the car and set off for home. As we made our way to my flat, i sat there fiddling with the very keys that he had left behind, neatly on my desk. A few moments passed, enough time to sit and think about what i could say to him, how i could bring the subject up, "Jonny, Can i ask you something?" I said, the words that where running through my mind where about the be set free, he turned and looked at me briefly before turning his attention back to the road, "Sure honey, shoot!" He answered, this was it, my opportunity to get answers, " Did you... did you mean to leave the flat keys on my desk when you left with... when you left with Bonnie?" i said, feeling relieved as the words escaped my mouth, still fiddling around with the keys that he had left behind on the desk, still not sure whether he had left them there on purpose or by accident. His face turned to face me as we stopped at the set of traffic light, his eyes sparkling as though tears were building up, "Jac... I I promise you I didn't leave them on purpose sweetheart, I put them there earlier before we went into surgery and I guess I forgot to pick them up afterwards..." Jonny said, still fighting back the tears as he continued to drive. I sat there smiling, smiling because I believed him, because he was forever putting things on my desk and forgetting to pick them up afterwards.

The rest of the journey home was long and quiet, an overwhelming feeling of guilt struck me as we approached the flat, was I right for bringing up the subject? The subject that was eating away at me? Yes because now its in the open for all to process and understand. As we pulled up on the driveway, we both sat there for a moment, Jonny placed his hand on my knee and squeezed it slightly, i felt reassured as i sat there cradling my bump. Jonny then turned to face me, "I think its time we had a wee chat!" He said quietly, looking into my eyes lovingly, i answered with a simple nod of the head and opened the door to get out. A few moments later we had reached the flat door, as i reached in my bag for the keys, a sharp shooting pain struck the right side of my abdomen, it had quickly disappeared as quickly as it had a arrived, "You ok Jac? Whats wrong?" Jonny said with panic in his voice as i stood there clutching my side, "Erm... nothing just a kick!" I replied, not wanting to panic Jonny as i knew it wasn't a kick it was something else. As i caught my breath i opened the door and walked in, Jonny supporting me as i walked in ...

Im gonna do the next chapter in Jonnys perspective and then the third chapter as a narrated story.

Please R and R xx