*What? No!* I vehemently rejected.

*Then I'm not building you that portal,* the wizard said simply.

I huffed in frustration.

*Howl, I promise I'll try my best to sincerely trust what you say from now on.*

*That's not the deal.*

*My feelings are my own problem. You don't need to burden yourself with it,* I tried again.

*I never said it was a burden,* Howl countered.

*Okay, you are clearly not getting this. I don't wantyou to love me.*

*Now,thatis a lie.*

A short pause.

God, was there anything he couldn'tsee through?

A long sigh.

*I don't deserve for you to love me,* I whispered, finally.

*That's not your choice to make.*

*God damn it, you are so infuriating!* I laughed.

*So, yes?* the magician pressed.

Another pause.

*Howl,* I began softly, earnestly, *you can honestly do somuch better than me.*

*I know it's hard for you to trust what people say, but I need you to believe me when I say I don't want anyone but you.*

*Bullshit.*

An exasperated sigh, *What did I justsay?*

*See? I'm difficult,* I reasoned. *More indications as to why you shouldn't date me.*

*I already knew that,* Howl chuckled. *From the first day I met you. The moment your 13-year-old-self regained consciousness and threw my textbooks at me, I knew that.*

I laughed, partly because of the memory he had conjured up and partly because we were getting nowhere like this. I mean honestly, given our past, what he was asking for was impossible; Him loving me, and I, truly trusting him? Beyond absurd!

*Just say yes,* the magician probed lightly, sensing my inner conflict.

*God, this is never going to work,* I breathed out.

*Maybe, but you don't know that.*

I paused and seriously considered his proposition.

If Howl did somehow miraculously fall in love with me, then that would most definitely keep him from losing his humanity, giving me that much more time to completely break his curse. Of course, this also meant that I'd have to accept the fact that he sincerely chose me; even though there were thousands of other girls who were significantly less damaged, guarded, and difficult.

To me, the fact itself was impossible—the idea that he, or anyone, could truly love me, that it wasn't all just pretend. That it wasn't all just an act to cover up an ulterior motive that I was too stupid to figure out until much later. That I wouldn't wake up one day to see utter hatred blazing in his eyes, a hatred that was all too suddenly and all too unmistakably directed at me. I wouldn't be able to take it.

Not again.

Not from Howl.

Anyone but Howl.

Anyone but the one person who had saved me; who had taught me to accept the monster I had become; who had showed me that the monster wasn't really a monster at all, that magic could actually be used for good; who had made me believe I could trust him; who had made me, God forbid, wantto trust him; who had made me hope like I had never hoped before that my trust wouldn't be betrayed.

Not again.

Not by him.

Anyone but him.

*But you don't know that.*

Howl's words from before suddenly surfaced in my mind.

He was right, I didn't know that. I didn't even know if he could truly love me for that matter, at least enough for me to honestly trust it. If he couldn't, would I be happy? Because that meant I wouldn't have to trust him. I wouldn't have to believe what I already knew was impossible.

*That's not the deal.*

Again, Howl's words from earlier stopped my train of thoughts.

He was right. That wasn't the deal. I couldn't just sit there while he worked on fulfilling his part of the bargain; watching him, analyzing his every move, his every gesture, and then decide whether I was going to trust him or not. Because truth be told, I was never going to trust him. Because if I had it my way, I'd wait my entire life for that 'suitable opportunity' – an opportunity that may never come, or it may come tomorrow, and I would never know. And it would be exhausting. Because anticipating something that held no certainty was impossible. And waiting for the impossible was exhausting.

There was no other way. At one point or another, I'd have to start trusting him. I couldn't live my entire life hanging out in limbo no matter how much I wanted to. I had to truly trust him and that meant I had to trust that he loved me, impossible or not.

I tried not to think about the hurt that'd follow if this didn't work. I tried not to think about all the buffers I could put in place right now just to prevent a potential future catastrophe; buffers I could put in place to protect myself in case this didn't work. But I knew buffers wouldn't help me to trust. Nothing would help me to trust. Because trust came from myself. And that was exactly why it was so hard. Because deep down, despite everything that had happened since, despite what anyone said, I was still the unwanted girl cast out by her parents. The girl who had been unknowingly and repeatedly lied to by those dearest to her for 13 years. How could that girl ever find the courage to trust anyone else again?

But I was going to try. Because I owed it to myself. And I owed it to Howl. And Markl, and Calcifer. God knew I waited way too long to get my shit together.

So, after what felt like an eternity, I conceded.

"Okay, it's a deal," I whispered.

It wasn't until the fire spoke that I realized I had said it out loud.

"Huh? What's a deal?" Cal asked, "I know you're talking to Howl but honestly, do something about your facial expressions when you're practicing telepathy. I swear a million emotions crossed your face and I wasn't sure when and if any of them would be directed at me. Hell, you started crying earlier! Thank Demons, I didn't have to deal with that one."

I smiled. Partly because of Cal's expected reaction to the thought of me crying but mostly because Howl had—in the time that Cal was fuming—just given me the information I needed to build a portal. Although, granted I didn't quite understand his instructions.

"You're smiling," the fire began, slowly, "I said something mean and you're smiling. Oh Hell, you've gone crazy haven't you? I knew it! Throwing yourself into your subconscious like that. You probably lost all of your common sense."

At this I frowned.

"No, actually, Cal, I'm perfectly fine. A little exhausted, but more or less okay."

The fire scoffed.

"Oh, is that right? Well allow me to put this into perspective for you. I'm only saying this because Howl won't. Hell, both you and Markl could dabble in forbidden magic and he'd still forgive the two of you. But I'm not Howl, so here it is: Pull something like that again, and I'll burn all your hair off! Lord of Demons, it's Magic 101; the subconscious is dangerous! You don't voluntarily throw yourself in there! Not ever! Not even if it was to save this entire stinking castle!"

The fire looked like he wanted to explode. Despite the harshness of his words, I felt warmth spread through me like wildfire.

"Thanks Cal. I won't do it again, I swear."

The demon's eyes widened for a fraction of a second in surprise.

"I'm yelling at you. Am I not yelling at you? Why are you thanking me? Oh Hell, you've gone insane. You've definitely gone insane."

I smiled.

"Because yelling means you care."

I tried not to think about the fact that my parents had yelled at me before too. And that despite my previous conjecture, they obviously didn't care. Still, I commended them. It wasn't exactly easy to fake being a happy family for as long as they did. Maybe it was because I was young and naïve that I just never saw the signs and slips in their performance.

I hated how I was thinking about all this again. Howl wasn't supposed to find out. No one was ever supposed to find out. It had been buried for so long that I thought I could just pretend and ignore it forever.

But, now it was back. And I had absolutely no time to get all sentimental about it because right now, I needed to build a gateway.

Taking a breath, I repeated the information that Howl had mentally conveyed to me.

"Cal," I began urgently, "Howl told me that I have his permission to use the black portal."

Any further complaints or insults the demon may have had died on his lips.

"He what?!" The fire roared. "Has he gone crazy too? I knew going into your subconscious would be a bad idea."

"No, it's not like that. We uh… we kind of made a deal," I said, casually. Then quickly added, "But that's not what's important. I thought the black portal connected to his old study in the mountains. How is that going to get me to my hometown?"

Cal sighed.

"I cannot believehe's letting you use the black portal, especially after what you just pulled," he mumbled angrily before launching huffily into a light lecture, "The black portal is Howl's portal. It doesn't just lead to the old study that his uncle left him. It leads to wherever his heart most wants to go."

At this I piped up. "But Howl doesn't have a heart."

The flame shot me a pointed look.

"Oh," I caught myself just in time. "Oh… you were speaking, figuratively. Sorry, continue."

Calcifer let out a small sigh.

"Because the black portal doesn't exactly lead anywhere, it's dangerous." The fire demon went on. "You need to have a strong heart; a strong desire or a clear goal. I need to be able to read you completely and you need to let me. If you waver, even for an instant, the magic won't work and you'll be trapped, lost forever somewhere in between worlds."

"Wait, so you're saying I have to fully tune with you? Like what Howl did before when he disconnected the portals?"

"Essentially, yes."

"Right… and why exactly do we have to do that?"

"Well how else am I going to open a portal to where you want to go if I don't know where that is?"

"I could always just tell you?"

He sighed heavily. If Calcifer had a nose, I was sure he'd be pinching the bridge of it right about now.

"Do you learn nothing, Gwen?" He chastised. "It doesn't work like that. There are an infinite number of places scattered in infinite points in time. I could end up sending you back to the past, future, or even to a different universe entirely, if I don't know where exactly it is you need to be. "

I thought about his words and realized he had a point.

"Well, I'm sorry if Howl and I never talked about time travel," I mumbled defensively. "It wasn't really a relevant subject."

"Well, it should've been, considering he thinks it's perfectly fine for you to use the black portal. Great Demons, what is he thinking? Is he even? What kind of a deal did you two strike anyway?"

"That's not important. Just tell me one more thing. If I fully tune with you, will I die?"

"Oh agony and torture, this is why I didn't want to do this."

"Cal?" My voice pitched in concern.

"I don't know, okay. I've never been fully in tune with anyone but Howl before. And he's a first class wizard."

"Right and you're a first class fire demon."

I didn't have to voice what we both knew. Unlike Howl and Cal, I wasn't born with shape-able magic that I spent years honing. I wasn't born with any magic at all. Or so I thought. Or so we all thought. See, dormant magic had a way of sneaking up on you when you least expected it. Rather, it was because you never expected it that it packed such a punch when it hit. And it hit hard.

The only natural magic I had was my clairvoyance abilities; it began manifesting itself when I was around 12 years of age. Howl had attempted to teach me other kinds of magic when he learned of my gift, but they were extremely hard for me to pick up. I had to train for at least double the time to learn something that a normal wizard could learn. Telepathy was different though. Truth be told, there wasn't a whole lot of research done on telepathy for us to go by. So instead, we had taken it on more of a trial and error basis. Because I was already used to having unannounced intrusions, allowing announced intrusions into my mind wasn't a difficult feat.

But asides from that, I really had no knack for magic. And now, I was supposed to let Calcifer flood me with it.

Using my mind as a medium was one thing. But straight up dumping magic into my body? That was something else entirely.

I exhaled a long breath.

Howl wouldn't have suggested me to do this if he didn't think it would work. Right? Unless of course this was the 'suitable opportunity' he was waiting for…

The instant that thought crossed my mind I forced it out.

No!

I made Howl a deal. I had to trust him.

And that meant he believed I could do this.

"Okay then. Since none of us know, let's give this a shot shall we?