Chapter 4

Loving him

But loving him was red. Burning red.

The street Juvia Lockser found herself treading down was familiar—almost nostalgic. It was a street she once frequented. A tiny shoe store, shoved into a hole in the wall, still kept its business booming since the years she had last visited. The children who raced each other down the sidewalk were one and the same as the ones who she used to see each and every day some odd two years ago. And then, there was the house she had once constantly brought herself to, sometimes only to stare in through the window of.

It was the same as her memories. A small white town house, decorated with blue rafters and roofing. It seemed barely big enough to fit a family of two, but all the time she had paid a visit, the house only homed a single individual. The little lodging had seen better days though. Its baby blue rafters had began to gray with dust and lack of care. Cobwebs hid in every nook and cranny leading up the porch and to the front door. One window was cracked and another completely covered with plastic.

As Juvia allowed her feet to take her up to the porch, she took in every detail, every change that had occurred since her last visit. When she reached the door, she placed her hand softly against the wooden front door, and let out a soft sigh.

"This place hasn't changed at all." Lyon's voice made Juvia nearly jump out of her skin. She spun around to see the light haired man standing at the bottom of the porch steps. She had been so entranced by her memories, she hadn't heard he walk up at all.

"That's not true, Lyon. Gray's house is so lonely now." Juvia told him, with a look of loneliness on her own face.

Lyon seemed taken aback by her comment, but quickly recovered, and climbed the stairs to join her. "Well, one little lady wouldn't be so lonely if she hadn't dumped a certain handsome young man." He said, and winked at her, trying to brighten the mood.

Juvia frowned and looked to her feet. "Lyon, Juvia is very so—" She stopped when the young man lay a finger upon her lips.

"Sorry, that was crueler than I meant it to be." He apologized, "Don't worry about me, Juvia. I understand."

Juvia's frown was not replaced with a smile, but she gave a nod, and turned her attention to the door.

"Now, I suppose it is about time we started what we came here for." Lyon fished into his pocket, and pulled a key ring, with two keys attached, from its depths.

Still looking at the door, Juvia nodded again, and then peered upon Lyon. "Nothing's been moved since…" She couldn't finish her question, but was sure that he could tell where she was taking the question.

"Not a thing." Lyon confirmed, "I've been paying rent on his apartment since Gray's departure from our world. I couldn't handle the burden of cleaning it out myself, but asking someone to help just seemed to cruel."

Juvia stayed silent after that. She couldn't have agreed more with his statement, but here she was now. Ready to search through Gray's belongings and discover his secrets. She was sure, however, she would be digging up her own memories along the way too.

The bluenette stared intently at the doorknob and Lyon inserted the key and turned the lock, then took a deep breath, before she helped him push it open.

Instantly, the familiar scent of Gray Fullbuster filled Juvia's senses, and she was hit with a whirlwind of memories. Every moment the young man had stood near her; every time he lost his shirt in a tussle; and every single time he had shot her down, flew through Juvia's mind within seconds. Her knees buckled and she leaned against the door as it touched the wall behind it.

"Are you alright?" Lyon worried over her.

Juvia held up a hand to gesture him to give her some space. "Juvia is fine. Juvia just needs a moment." She took another great breath, and the scent filled her nostrils again. This time it brought a smile to her lips. Though she missed him so, Juvia had not thought so much about Gray in years. She always feared she would bring herself to tears over and over again, but she longed to have his visage fill her mind again.

Juvia straightened her stance and gave Lyon and reassuring smile. The duo took another step into the small abode, and Juvia groped the wall until she found a light switch. She gave it a flick, but to no avail; not a single light in the house came alive for her. Juvia pouted.

"Sorry," Lyon started, "I continued to pay rent, but not bills. There's no electric." He explained, and then pulled a small black shoulder bag down from his back. He opened the satchel, and pulled a pair of flashlights from it. "I brought these though." He passed one to Juvia.

The young woman took it from him, and bowed her head in thanks. With a flick of her thumb, Juvia brought the flashlight to life. She slowly turned it around the house, and then stopped it upon the last doorway in her path.

"Juvia will start here. Lyon should start at the next room on the right." She told him.

Lyon nodded in agreement. "Just look for anything out of the ordinary. Any hand written notes might be clues too. Gray never really cared for much technology, so I don't think he ever wasted his money on a computer, so any clues should be left in writing."

Juvia nodded, and turned to her target room, but as she heard Lyon began to walk towards his own, Juvia turned back around and grabbed his shirtsleeve with her fingertips.

"Lyon." She called for his attention, which she quickly obtained, "Please, do not look into Gray's room without Juvia." She pleaded, "…And don't let Juvia go in alone either."

Lyon sighed and smiled softly at her, then nodded. Once Juvia was convinced he understood her plea, she released his sleeve from her grasp, and then continued to her room of choice.

Juvia took her time in the room that she room she chose to examine. Gray's TV room floor was littered with T-shirts and socks. She picked up and folded each one. The couch and television were both covered in a thick layer of dust. She opened every single DVD case on his shelf and looked inside for clue, but to no avail.

An old wind up clock was hung on his wall. She traced her fingers along it's door, and imagined Gray winding it himself. How many years had it been since it's pendulum had swung?

Juvia took it upon herself to bring the instrument back to life. She softly opened the door and reached in for it's key, yet found two. Juvia looked surprised upon her discovery. One rounded, old fashioned, key obviously fit right into the clock, but the other was more modern, and didn't belong with the clock at all. She pocketed the newer key, and then proceeded to set her clock to what time she assumed it should have been—around 3:15—and then inserted the older key and turned it twenty or thirty times, gave the pendulum and light push, and then closed the key back behind the door.

For a few moments, she admired the clock, quietly adoring the sound of it's tick-tocks, and brought herself back into a fantasy world she had long forgotten—one where she and Gray lived happily together. They turned the cloth together, and then she would say something cheesy to Gray to the kin of "Time could stop forever as long as Gray is with Juvia."

"Did you find anything, Juvia?" Lyon's voiced broke Juvia from her dream, and she turned slowly to him, as he continued before she had a chance to answer her. "I've already looked through the other two rooms, but I didn't find anything conclusive."

Juvia quietly strode over Lyon, and pulled the key from her pocket, presenting it directly in front of his face. "It was with the clock, but it didn't fit it."

Lyon seemed rather surprised, then smiled. "Good job, Juvia. Maybe we can find what it does fit."

Juvia nodded, holding her flashlight above the key as she further inspected it.

But Lyon broke her train of thought once more. "All that's left is the bedroom."

Juvia's eyes flicked up and met Lyon's. She fidgeted uncomfortably, as her eyes traveled over to the door in the left corner of the house, then back to Lyon.
"If you're not ready, we can come back tomorrow." Lyon said, "Or next week, or next month. We don't have to do this right now."

"No. Juvia wants to do this now." She assured him, "Juvia is just nervous. Let Juvia go first." With that said, the bluenette began to take herself towards the door. Lyon followed Juvia, a few steps behind, and watched her as she calmly put her hand upon the doorknob. He watched her inhale deeply, and then, while she was still holding back her breath, she turned the knob and push the door open.

Lyon heard Juvia gasp as she disappeared into the room, and he walked to the doorway to find her kneeling at the side of an empty bed, the comforter held up to her nose and tears running down her cheeks.

The while haired man walked closer to the grieving woman, and knelt down towards her, placing a hand upon her back.

"Juvia is sorry, Lyon. Gray's scent is so strong in here. Gray just filled Juvia's mind. Juvia thought she would be alright but…" Juvia gathered as much of comforter in her arms as she could and gave it a great hug, "Juvia missed Gray's presence so much."

"It's alright, Juvia. Take your time." Lyon told her, "Are you still sure you don't want to come back later?"

Juvia sniffled softly, then brought herself to her feet, and wiped her tears away with the back of her hand. She gave him a nod. "Yes. Juvia is ready."

Lyon smiled softly, hoping to comfort her, and then watched her shrug off her tears as best she could before traveling to the dresser against the wall, next to the door they entered through. She pulled open a drawer and began rifling through it as if she had been able to throw away her emotions. Lyon could see her constant blinking, though, as she tried to push the tears away.

As Juvia dug through drawer after drawer, Lyon explored a closet to the right of the room. Lyon opened box after box, shining his flashlight inside of each one; paging through any book he found and opening any jars.

Behind him, Juvia quietly pushed through clothes, looking for anything but. The only thing she found was a picture of herself: An unflattering photo of her biting into one of Gray's favorite chilidogs. She gave a soft laugh as she shone her light upon it—she was almost entirely sure that one of her many pictures of Gray mirrored it perfectly.

She turned over the photo and let out a gasp. "Lyon. Come look." She called.

Lyon pulled his head from the closet curiously, then stood and brought himself over to Juvia. She showed him the back of the photo. In blue in, on the bottom half of the photo's backside, was written:

"This is the best photo I could get off of Mira, but this is "Rain Woman" I've mentioned. The woman I would have chosen to live my life out with, if I had never gotten the news."

Juvia looked Lyon in the eye, "There must be more." She said intently, "Gray writes as if he has written about Juvia before. We must find the rest."

Lyon kept his eyes on Juvia's. He hadn't seen her so seriously since… possibly ever. He slowly nodded, then looked around the room. "There's not much more room to look though. I'll check under the bed."

Juvia continued to explore each corner of the room as Lyon crawled under the mattress and box spring for a closer look, but after another ten minutes of exploring the room, it seemed there might really be nothing else in the house.

Juvia looked around worried, then to her clues. With a key in her left hand and a photo in her right, Juvia was sure there was something they were missing. But where?

"Did Gray have an attic?" She asked, afraid she was running out of ideas.

Lyon pulled himself out from under the bed and shook his head. "No... Not one that he showed me at least."

Juvia leaned against the dresser as she began to think.

A key; a message about Juvia; and secrets. What was Gray hiding? She began to rack her brain over it more, and put more weight upon the dressed.

"Juvia, be careful!" Lyon's voice wasn't the only sound to break her train of thought this time, because right after his warning, Juvia heard a great "CRACK" as on of the legs of the dressed gave out under Juvia's added weight. She leapt away from the dresser and was only able to watch it topple over, and all the trinkets Gray had left atop it fall to the ground and litter the floor.

"Oh nooo, Gray's things…" She cried, and knelt down to collect them.

"Juvia." Lyon said her name just once. She looked up to see his flashlight upon the wall just left of her head. She looked to where it lead to find a tiny keyhole on the wall. She didn't see a door, the keyhole made no sense at all, but she held up the key in her left hand, and inserted it without question. It went straight in.

Juvia turned her head to Lyon, mystified, and he nodded for her to continue. Juvia turned the key until she heard it click and a lock's mechanism undo itself. Since there was no knob, she decided to give the wall a push, and just like that, a door that was painted the same as the wall pushed open and lead into a narrow, hidden closet.

Juvia stood with shaking legs, and shined her light into the closet.

"There's… book." She said, and walked slowly into the entrance. "Notebooks. Lots of them. At least thirty."

Lyon stood at the doorway, and watched as she lifted one up, looking closely upon the cover, then gasped and dropped it back to the ground.

"What's wrong? What does it say?" He asked, stepped into the doorway slightly.

"The front says…" Juvia looked back at him with teary eyes, "'Six months to live'."

Juvia sat on the couch in her own living room, as she watched Lyon laying notebooks out across her floor. There were 32 in all. Each one had just 4 words written on the front. The first "Three years to live", and the last one titled, "Five months to live."

Each one filled with a months worth of Gray's thoughts. Once Lyon had organized them, he picked up the very first one, and handed it to Juvia.

"I can read it if you can't." He told her. She shook her head, and then began to read it allowed.

"'This is the biggest bullshit.'" Juvia was quickly taken aback by Gray's crude choice of words, but continued, "'I am Gray Fullbuster, barely 20 years old and today, I'm told I have only three years to live? That makes no sense. And why? Because I'm diagnosed some kind of… shitty blood cancer… Non-hodgkin lymphsomething. Doctors said I'd be lucky to even live that long. Who's even heard of an incurable disease in this day and age…?"

Juvia fell quiet. Cancer? Incurable disease? Gray had been dying since before she met him, and she never knew. How could he hide something like that from her—from everyone? She took a deep breath , and continued to read.

Through a good portion of the first notebook, Gray seemed in denial of his entire ordeal. Lyon had let Juvia begin to read quietly and began to flip through later volumes of Gray's journals. Juvia, however, took in each and every word. She was almost finished with the first volume, when Lyon called for her attention.
"Juvia." He held a volume toward her, with his thumb between the pages, "You should read this entry.

The bluenette placed down the volume she had and took the one from Lyon, the front of the book read "Two years to live." Flipping it to the page her friend had saved with his thumb, she began to read it quietly to herself.

Today I met the most mysterious woman: A sad, blue haired young lady who seems to always cry when it rains. She's quiet and keeps to herself, but as a guy who's slowly dying, I don't think she has anything to be sad about. I've taken it upon myself to make her a happier person.

Juvia was surprised by what she had just read; it was Gray's first impression of her. She flipped through the pages of the notebook, and read a later entry.

The rain woman has completely flipped around. When's she's near me she's always sunny now. She keeps swearing she's in love with me, but we've only known each other for a couple days. Are all woman like this? I did make her happier though. She says she enjoys the sun much more than the rain.

Juvia's attention was brought to movement in front of her. Lyon was laying notebooks in front of her with pages market with blue tape. She looked upon his curiously, and picked up another volume.

Today, the rain woman saw snow for the first time. She had had a rough day, but I think the ice really cheered her up. I guess I am responsible for that. She seemed particularly beautiful when she smiled today. I don't think I've ever seen such a smile on anyone before.

Juvia smiled, she loved her memories of her first snow. And Gray had described her as beautiful. It brought some color to her cheeks. She picked up another volume and read from a marked page.

It's hard to believe the Rain Woman was ever sad. These days she gets along with everyone at the pub. She's always smiling and shoving some kind of home-baked pastry in my mouth. It's troublesome… but only because I actually kind of like her attention.

Juvia's cheeks gained some more color. She always worried that her incessant coddling had annoyed Gray, but here he said he didn't mind her at all. She picked up a later volume and began to read from "8 months to live."

How could I be so lucky and unlucky at the same time? The most beautiful, wonderful woman is right in front of me, almost throwing herself into my lap, and I have to turn her down. Honestly, I've been in love with the rain woman for a long time now. Maybe ever since she smiled at me the first time. But I can never tell her how I feel. After all, what would be the point? I'm dying in just a few months now. If I gave her my love now, just to rip it away… It could kill her.

Juvia's eyes began to fill with tears. "Lyon… was right. Lyon was dead on…" She mumbled. His silence showed that he had already read that entry. He handed her another volume. The last volume.

Juvia looked upon it with a twinge of fear. Inside of this were the last words Gray had ever written. She was so scared to know what they'd be. What if they were nothing? Completely worthless thoughts? She didn't want to read those, but she had come this far. Juvia opened the pages and flipped half way through the book, to the last entry.

I can't stand holding in my secret any longer. Especially from my rain woman. I don't know if I can tell her how I feel, but what I can confess is why I can never love her back. Tomorrow. Tomorrow I will meet with her and tell her everything. About how in just five short months, I'll no longer be on this earth. About how her face fills my heart with warmth, how her smile feels like it could cure this damned disease.

And maybe she'll forgive me for keeping my secrets. But I think it would be better if she never did. It would be better if she rejected me for hiding the truth for all this time. It would be better if she forgot me. But only tomorrow can tell.

Juvia could barely read through her tears. She could only imagine how her life could have changed after that fateful day. Why did fate lead her down this path? It broke her heart all over again. She clenched her eyes shut and took a deep breath as her tears fell upon the open book and smudged the ink on the page. Juvia pulled her hands to her eyes to run away the tears, and the book fell from her lap. When she opened her eyes and reached for it, it was then she saw another sheet of paper falling from the very back of the book. Juvia softly lifted it.

The paper was different from the ones in the book. It was a larger, stationary piece, with rain drop and snow flakes around the border, and was folded in half. She slowly opened it. The first words on it were,

"Dear Juvia. If you're reading this, I suppose I died before that damned cancer could get me."

Juvia gasped, and read on.

"I can only hope I went in some much cooler way. If I had to choose, I'd like to have died in a way that helped you. Withering away in a hospital isn't really my style anyway. I hope you're all right. I hope it didn't take you too long to find this. I have so much to tell you.

"Juvia, I know I've turned you down left and right. I always hoped you would give up on me, so you wouldn't hurt when I died. But no matter what I said to you, I have always loved you.

"I'm sorry I never told you. It has never been easy for me to be honest about my feelings. Opening my heart to someone makes me feel more naked than any lack of clothing ever has.

"But that's not the only reason I didn't tell you. No, it was because I was scared. I watched you go through your depression before, I thought it I loved you, and then left you, you might fall back into depression and you might not come out of it this time. Juvia, I couldn't stand it if you killed yourself just to be with me.

"But I guess that shows that I'm a coward. Juvia isn't such a coward. You would push through somehow, after all, you're reading this now, so you made it somehow. Shows how wrong I was.

"Juvia. Can you do me one favor?"

Juvia took a deep breath as she tried to read on. These were Gray's last words, and they were addressed to her. And now he had one last wish for her. She promised herself that, no matter what it was, she would make it come true. She cleared her tears and continued.

"You're such a beautiful girl, you'll have boys all over you once I'm gone. I know you'll move on without me. Maybe you'll even give my brother a chance (He totally doesn't deserve you though.)

"But no matter who else you fall in love with, marry, and have beautiful children with, no matter how much longer you live than me, will you please, somewhere, deep down in your heart, still love me?"

Juvia thought her heart might stop beating. She clenched her finger into the stationary, and barely managed over a whisper. "Would Lyon please leave Juvia on her own for a while?"

He seemed slightly surprised, but obliged, and stepped out of the room. She stayed quiet until she heard him leave out her front door. Instantly, Juvia began to sob, and read the last few lines in Gray's note.

"I know it's selfish, but no matter where I go after I die, as long as Juvia loves me, I know it will be a paradise. So please, even if you live a life completely separate from any memory of me, just keep me in your heart, and love me. Love me forever.

"Because I promise, no matter where I am, no matter how far away I am, I still love you, Juvia Lockser.

"Thank you."

Juvia slid off of her couch and sobbed into the cushions. Gray was too selfish. But even if he hadn't asked, she knew she would have kept his last wish.

Juvia stared into the ceiling, and then, after taking a great breath in, began to shout.

"Gray! Juvia knows Gray is up in the clouds. Gray was a hero, a saint! Gray could only be up above Juvia! Now listen here, Gray!" The bluenette brought herself to her feet, "Juvia is going to live the best, most honest life Juvia can, so Juvia can go up there and see Gray again! So wait for Juvia! Because no matter what, no matter who else loves Juvia, Juvia will always and ONLY LOVE GRAY! Juvia promises! Just wait for Juvia, Gray!"

She fell back to her knees and began to weep like never before.

Epilogue

It was a scene to see at The Fairy's Tail, as the pub filled to its brims with regular customers, all acquaintances and best friends to each other. There was not a single quiet voice as the room was filled with shouts and cheering of every occupant, but as a short, elderly man climbed his way atop the bar, the room's volume dipped down, and everyone turned their attention to center stage.

"Hello everyone, and thank you for gathering here tonight! I am Makarov Dreyar, but most of you know me as 'Master', don't you?" He gave a laugh as he scanned the audience. "Today, we are here to celebrate the life of our friend, Gray Fullbuster."

Everyone smiled, and some bowed their heads, as the Master continued his introductions.

"It's hard to believe that it's been a whole 5 years since Gray's departure from this world. He left behind many a friend and companion, but also left us the gift of memories, laughter and kindness, in our hearts. And now, I introduce the woman whose heart he may have in fact filled the most, Juvia Locksar." The Master gestured his right left hand to his side, and brought attention to the young woman making her way up front to the bar.

Juvia was dressed in all white, her hair tied in a ponytail to the side of her head, and wore crystal snowflake earrings, which dangled and danced below her earlobes. The young lady walked behind the bar and thanked the Master for her introduction, before she smiled out to the audience in front of her, and began to speak.

"I am Juvia Locksar, and as many of The Fairy's Tail already know, Juvia is the woman who Gray gave the dearest gifts to. The gift of life, and the gift of love." There was a soft applause from Juvia's closest friends. She cleared her throat softly, and prepared herself for the rest of her speech. "Loving Gray was always an adventure. One never knew what Gray was thinking; Gray always kept his thoughts to himself. Sometimes, it was a cold love. Gray turned down Juvia more times that Juvia cares to count." She gave a soft laugh, and held up her hands, "Far more times that Juvia could count on her fingers."

There was soft wave of laughter throughout the pub, Juvia enjoyed it before she continued.

"When Gray was taken from Juvia, it seemed like the world had frozen over, and time had stopped entirely. But, some odd three years ago, Juvia found a note from Gray. Gray's final words to Juvia. And do you all know what Gray asked of Juvia? Gray asked to never, ever, stop loving Gray." Juvia closed her eyes and put her hands over her heart, "Honestly, it's not like Gray had to ask." She laughed again, "No one could ever touch Juvia's heart like Gray did. But when Juvia read that letter, Juvia's heart was warmed, and Juvia's world finally melted. Gray's love filled Juvia with the warmth of a red, hot fire. And it is something Juvia could never forget." Juvia took a long breath out, and opened her eyes again.

"So tonight, Juvia wants to share that warmth with everyone." She threw her arms into the air and called out, "Natsu!"

A salmon haired man in the back of the room chugged a bit of alcohol, and then, holding a lighter to his lips, he blew fire into the air. An old fashioned chandelier hanging from the ceiling suddenly lit up, and the flames of it's candles followed a string connecting each one, until the string lead from that chandelier to another, quickly brightening the bar with a warm light.

The audience cheered enthusiastically, and in the excitement, Juvia climbed onto the bar and stood above everyone.

"Everyone! Juvia has a dream! A dream that one day, we will all be reborn in a world where we will never be separated, in a world where magic keeps us together, and fairies really do have tails! A world where Gray will never leave us, and keep our hearts warm forever! So tonight, we celebrate Gray's life, and we celebrate the dream of our next, magical life! Thank you!"

And with that, Juvia grabbed a bottle of champagne from the bar she stood on, and popped its cork, sending it flying into the crowd.

End

If you're reading this, I'd like to thank you one and all for reading my entire fanfic. I'm sorry for all the tears it caused, but also proud of every single tear. I apologize for my pride now too.

"Red" by Taylor Swift has always been one of my "OTP songs" for Gray and Juvia, but became more so during that awful week after chapter 334, Sin and Sacrifice. This fic just filled my head one day at work, and caused me to cry over and over again, so I had to put it in words. I have a lot of theories of why Gray shot Juvia down in the manga, and due to this being a modern AU fic, it doesn't explore them entirely, it does touch upon some points of them.

Though this is the first fic on this account, it is far from my first fic, but I am still looking to improve. So please read and review, I would love some honest opinions of both the fic and my writing, and maybe you'll be reading from me again soon.

Tata~