Disclaimer: I don't own anything associated with Yu-Gi-Oh. I don't own Bernies, and I don't own BlackJack or slot machines. If I did, I'd be rich. I'm not rich, thus, I own nothing.
Dedicated to K-chan, who convinced me to write this.
A Thousand Pardons Master Pegasus
It was a glorious day in the Duelist Kingdom. Pegasus J. Crawford was happily eating his breakfast while watching the 2013th episode of Funny Bunny. He calmly downed his glass of "grape juice" and gave himself a refill as the opening credits rolled.
"Ah, what a glorious day!" he said to himself happily.
Suddenly, the screen blinked, made a funny 'pfft' sound, and went dead.
"Oh.........crap." Pegasus sighed, before having a complete meltdown.
"NOOOOOOO! FUNNY BUNNY--COME BAAAAACK!!!!!!!"
He then proceeded to throw a temper tantrum that caused all members of his harem...erm...faculty to cover their ears and curl up in the fetal position. All, that is, except Croquet. Croquet was too busy being depressed about his crappy French name to notice the high-pitched girlie shrieks coming from the floor above.
Croquet sighed and muttered, "Who's stupid idea was it to name me after a game played with balls and clubs?!"
Suddenly, Pegasus wailed extra-whorribly (pun intended), effectively breaking the windows. Croquet groaned, got up, and trudged upstairs. He walked into Pegasus's TV room, and immediately ducked as the cheese platter came flying toward him. It clattered to the floor, startling Pegasus out of his fit. Croquet endured this all calmly, still silently pissed about his name.
He bowed. "Pardon, Master Pegasus, but what seems to be the problem?"
"Oh, *hic* Croquet," Pegasus wailed, near tears. "It's AWFUL! The television *hic* died and now I can't *hic* watch Funny *hic* Bunny!"
Croquet groaned silently, but kept his annoyance hidden. He wondered briefly if the pink-clad, silver-haired man was through ranting for the time being.
"...and now *hic* I don't know what to do! I've missed that *hic* episode 6 times around already! And..."
Nope, apparently not.
~*3 hours later*~
"Alright, Master Pegasus, I will go to the electronics store on the mainland and buy you a new TV." Croquet had had just about enough of his Master's senseless rambling.
"Oh, but it can't just be *hic*ANY old thing! I want an EXACT replica of the one that *hic* died!" Pegasus cried.
Croquet found himself trying to find the closest exit to escape through once Pegasus turned his back. Unfortunately, the closest thing was a window...and they were 17 stories up. In his attempt to dodge the cheese platter, Croquet had ended up 3 meters from the door, and now Pegasus was pacing back and forth IN FRONT of the door.
*Somebody PLEASE save me...* Croquet barely kept from jumping out the window-he wouldn't give the other slaves...erm...faculty members the satisfaction. If only there was something he could say to get Pegasus to shut up...oh.
"Say, Master Pegasus, when exactly is the next episode on?" Croquet asked, silently praying that his plan would work.
It did.
"OOH!" Pegasus cried. "Croquet, you've got to *hic* hurry and find me a *hic* TV! The next episode is on *hic* tomorrow morning at 8:00 AM!" (It's currently 11:30 AM on Monday, give or take . ;;;)
"Okay, sir. I'll be off then." Croquet made his way to the door, bowing every few steps. When he made it out, he almost jumped for joy. "Finally, I get a whole day away from this blasted island!" If he had been Pegasus, he probably would have skipped down the stairs. But he wasn't, so he didn't. "No need to start acting like THAT fool," he grumbled inaudibly.
~*20 minutes later*~
Croquet was boarding a boat headed for the mainland. "Domino City, here I come!" he said ecstatically. He looked over the side of the ship as it set sail, and watched cheerfully as the castle faded into the distance. He hummed to himself, "Joy to the world, Master Pegasus is dead, I barbecued his head! What happened to his bo-dy? I flushed it down the pot-ty! Around and 'round it goes, around and 'round it goes, and wh-ere it st-o-ps no-bo-dy knows!"
After receiving some odd looks from the other passengers on the ship, he quieted down and kept his elation to himself. "No appreciation..." he grunted irritably.
~*40 minutes later*~
Croquet was wandering around Domino City. He counted the money Pegasus had given him...again and again and again...
You see, it had been so long since Pegasus had gone shopping for a new television, he had forgotten how much one might cost. So, to be on the safe side, he had entrusted Croquet with an amount of money equivalent to 100,000 American dollars. Needless to say, Croquet was overjoyed.
"He has so much money, and he trusted ME with it?! MUAHAHAHAHA!!! What an IDIOT!" Then, a thought struck him. "If he has this much money lying around, how come I only get paid $5 an hour?! That cheapskate! INJUSTICE! I'll sue!!!"
After noticing the attention being given to him by random passers-by, he quickly pushed his sunglasses up to cover his eyes and slunk off down the street.
Croquet wandered around downtown until he discovered an interesting looking building labeled Kaiba Corporation. "Hm...wonder if they sell TVs here...oh who cares? It looks expensive, and I have money!" Thus, Croquet entered Kaiba Corporation. He wandered over to the front desk and waited for the secretary to get off the phone.
"…and he, like, is sooooo hot! And, like, I think he, like, is gonna ask me out!..."
Oh, wonderful.
~*10 minutes later*~
The valley-girl secretary finally hung up with her exuberant friend and looked at Croquet. Croquet, who was trying very hard not to bang his head against the wall, glared at her through his sunglasses.
She neither noticed nor cared.
"So, what, like, do you want?" she asked, twirling a strand of blonde hair around her finger.
"Do you sell TVs here?" Croquet asked bluntly. "My master, Pegasus J. Crawford, wants a TV."
There, he'd said it. If he could get this errand done, he'd have the rest of the day to spend Pegasus's pimp cash…erm…money on things for himself. He looked at the girl as she bashed the keys on her computer with one manicured finger.
"Hm…let's, like, see…telephones, laptop computers, televisions, holographic simulators…but no TVs!"
Croquet groaned. "You said 'televisions' did you not?" he inquired.
"Well yeah, but, like, you wanted a TV," she replied, blinking innocently.
"You dolt. TV is short for television…
~*20 minutes later*~
Croquet sighed as he finished his explanation of abbreviations. He had had to revise it to a kindergarten level, but he had done it.
"Like, okay…so you want to, like, buy one now?"
Croquet was just about to speak a few choice words concerning the girl's intelligence when the door on the far side of the room banged open, revealing a VERY angry Seto Kaiba.
"Where. The. Hell. Are. My. CARDS???" he shouted frantically.
"Um, I think they're, like, on your desk, Kaiba-baby…" the secretary said sweetly.
Croquet winced as the 17 year-old CEO grabbed the girl's shoulders, shook her once, and growled, "NEVER call me KAIBA-BABY!!!" He frowned and added thoughtfully, "Kaiba-SAMA has a much better ring to it…"
Croquet started as a gothic-looking girl ran into the room, grabbed Seto's arm, said, said something about a "Millennium Rod" and dashed out, dragging the stunned CEO behind her.
"Oooooookay…I'm out of here." Croquet promptly LEFT Kaiba Corporation.
He continued to wander around until he found the local Bernies. He walked inside and found an employee wandering the TV department. He asked calmly, "Do you have this type of TV?" He pointed it out in the owner's manual that Pegasus had given him. The employee blinked oddly and said, "Yo, dude, that thing is so totally old, man!"
Oh great, a surfer.
"Yes, I realize that, but that is what I was sent here for…"
The surfer-guy groaned, "Fine, dude, lemme get my manager, man."
~*10 minutes later*~
The surfer appeared with his manager close behind. Croquet managed to hear parts of the conversation:
"…and then the dude…man…yo…that…dude…yo…and the dude goes…"
They came up to Croquet, and the manager dismissed the infidel…erm…employee, before asking, "What are you looking for?"
Croquet then proceeded to describe the type, size, color, and style of Pegasus's TV.
"Oh," the manager said, "we don't have any of those left, we sold the last one to that girl over there…" he pointed to a hippy-looking girl.
Croquet dashed over and asked the girl, "How much do you want for that TV?!"
The hippy-girl started screaming. Out of nowhere, a bulky-looking-weight-lifter guy appeared, picked Croquet up, and tossed the poor, disgruntled man outside.
"The hell?" Croquet asked the parking lot in confusion.
~*3 hours later*~
Croquet had been ALL OVER Domino City, and still--no TV. He had only a few options left:
He could put an ad in the paper and pray that someone would respond in time, Go knocking door-to-door and offer people $100,000 for their TVs, Buy a totally different TV and decorate it to look like the old one, or Go back and try Kaiba Corporation one last time.Croquet shuddered. *Which is worse, the secretary or Pegasus's wrath?*
He'd decided. As he walked, he hummed to himself, "Dun, dun duh-dun, dun duh-dun duh-dun duh-dun…"
~*10 minutes later*~
Our poor, unappreciated hero stood looking up at Kaiba Corporation's main office for the second time that day. He sighed; the looming building did nothing to reassure him.
"Well, this is it I guess…" Croquet took a deep breath and entered the building.
Upon entering, he immediately sensed that something was amiss. For one thing, the annoying-as-hell secretary was nowhere to be seen. For another, the gothic girl from earlier was sitting in the corner sulking and looking very bored. Then, a series of loud crashes and other odd noises sounded from the floor above. 'Uh oh…'
Suddenly, the secretary came running down the stairs-shrieking madly the whole way-followed by an enraged Seto Kaiba.
"You little wretch! Come back here so I can whoop yer ass!" Seto shouted violently. "I'll beat you like yo' momma never did!"
Croquet was beginning to seriously reconsider going back to the Duelist Kingdom, when he noticed the TV in the adjacent room. It was the same as Pegasus's!
He looked at the gothic girl (otherwise known as K-chan) and asked frantically, "How much would you be willing to sell that TV for?!?!?"
K-chan blinked. "What would you want with a piece of crap like that???"
Croquet was about to reply when the secretary dashed behind him in a lame attempt to hide from Kaiba's fury (of doom *random echo*).
Seto stopped short, looking at Croquet, then inquired, "Are you trying to PROTECT her?!?!?"
Croquet stepped to the side and answered, "No, by all means, smash her head in!"
Seto nodded, and proceeded to do so, while K-chan cheered him on in a very un-chimbo-ish manner. A rare smile passed over our unusually depressed hero's face. Perhaps coming back here wasn't such a bad idea after all.
After the aforementioned proceedings were through, Croquet looked at Seto and calmly stated, "I'll give you $100,000 for that antique TV in the other room."
Seto seemed to consider this a moment before responding, "I don't need your money, I'm a billionaire. I will, however, let you have it."
Croquet looked stunned, "May I ask why?"
Seto shrugged. "You gave me the perfect opening to attack that stupid secretary."
Croquet nodded. Seto continued, "I'll even have it sent to your place if you'd like." Croquet agreed that this would probably be best, and so he gave Kaiba the address, thanked him profusely, and bid him and K-chan farewell.
~*20 minutes later*~
Croquet was having a grand old time at the local casino. So far, he had managed to turn his "borrowed" $100,000 into a hefty $3,000,000. With the help of a slot machine. Go figure. He had now moved on to blackjack. He was trying to decide whether or not to hit, as he had two aces and a two. (Give the poor man a break, he's never played before.) As I was saying, he finally decided to hit, and he got a jack, bringing his total to fourteen for those of you who are mathematically challenged. Having only bet 1 million on this particular hand, he decided to hit one more time. He got a seven. A five card Charlie and he got EXACTLY 21. Lucky little...never mind. Having now raised his total profits to 4 million American dollars, he decided to call it a night. After all, Croquet is NOT addicted to gambling. Yet.
Just then, the casino's manager approached Croquet and calmly offered to let him stay in a VIP suite, free of charge. Croquet, not being one to pass up such an opportunity, agreed instantaneously.
Upon entering his luxury room, Croquet grinned devilishly. "Now I know why I've put up with this for so long…" he muttered to himself as he inspected the place. "When I get back, I'm demanding a raise. If he says anything different, I'm quitting! There's only so much a man can take. I can't just keep babysitting the guy...he really needs to grow up." He was, of course, referring to Pegasus, who was back in Duelist Kingdom. "Ah well, I might as well take advantage of this situation…god knows I can't get a decent night's sleep living in that dump of a castle…" and with those final words, Croquet settled in for a nice, restful night.
Or so he thought.
Little did poor Croquet know that the casino owner had let him stay for free, simply because he was in league with our dear *cough-hack-cough* Bandit Keith…
~*Back at Duelist Kingdom*~
It was about 7:30 PM by this time, and Pegasus had been moping about his beloved television ALL DAY. Kemo and the other resident man-ho…erm…servants were busy trying to, in short, shut him the hell up. However, their efforts were wasted on the delusional man, and so they had all retreated to the dungeons. At least they couldn't hear Pegasus's shrieks down there…much.
All of a sudden, there was a sound upstairs: there was someone on the intercom, requesting entrance to the castle. Kemo made his way reluctantly upstairs and asked the person, rather irritably, "What do you want?!?!" The man sighed. "Look, I've got an important shipment from Kaiba Corp. here, addressed to one Pegasus J. Crawford. Do you want it, or not?" Kemo glowered at the intercom, as if he might cause it to explode if he glared hard enough.
It didn't.
"Well what is it?!?!" Kemo inquired impatiently, wanting very much to go up and strangle Pegasus, who was now singing "I'm a Little Teapot" at the top of his lungs, hiccupping between each word or so. "How should I know?" the man outside asked. "I'm just the delivery man, I don't package the stuff!" Kemo let out a very agitated sigh and allowed the man entry. The sound of chopper blades whirring overhead caught his attention, and he rushed up about 30 or so flights of stairs to see what was going on. "Should have *wheeze* used the elevator *huff huff*."
Upon his arrival on the roof, he noted that the "delivery" was in fact the TV Croquet had left for earlier on in the day. "Oh thank GOD!!!" he cried. "MASTER PEGASUS! YOUR TV'S HERE!" he bellowed over the noise. Pegasus was on the scene in seconds. He immediately ran over to the object and began to pet it in a very odd manner. "Oh *hic* my beloved! How I've *hic* missed you!" he stated drunkenly.
~*20 minutes later*~
It had taken 20 minutes and 37 of Pegasus's employees, but they had finally gotten the TV into the castle, and the professional car-jackers…erm…technical guys were trying to rig up the cable. "Let's see," one of them mumbled to himself, "was it red to yellow, or yellow to red?"
~*Back in Domino City, at the Casino's Hotel*~
Bandit Keith had watched Croquet at the slot machines earlier that evening, and had been amazed by the amount of money he'd won. Keith himself rather sucked at the slots…okay, so he just sucked, but that's not the point…the point is that he wanted that wad of cash for himself, and he aimed to get it. He had offered the casino manager $20,000 out of the money he'd be stealing to give Croquet a free room (not that he planned on actually GIVING the man that money, but he'd needed to bribe him somehow…).
Now he was standing semi-patiently outside Croquet's door. 'Hmm…' he thought, listening for any sign that Croquet was asleep. He was soon rewarded by the sound of Croquet's snoring…erm…heavy breathing. He picked the lock on the door, and quietly stepped inside. Surveying his surroundings, he noted that Croquet's jacket was hanging on the doorknob to the attached bathroom. Being careful not to make any noise, Keith snuck over and searched the pockets. 'Let's see…cell phone, television owner's manual, ticket stub from a porn movie…that was a good one, actually…' he then noticed the hidden pocket on the inside of the jacket. He reached inside, and there was the money! 'Bingo…' After making sure he'd returned everything else to their proper places, he retreated quickly to the door. 'So long, sucker!' he thought to himself, mock-saluting the sleeping man, before leaving the establishment (without paying the manager, of course).
~*The Next Morning*~
Croquet woke up early, as he was rather used to it by now. After all, he'd been awakened by the sound of Pegasus falling out of bed at the crack of dawn every morning for the last 7+ years. That loud *SMACK* noise was actually a rather rewarding thing…Croquet snickered to himself.
Moments later, he grumbled bitterly over the fact that he had to return to Duelist Kingdom now. He showered, dressed, ate the free breakfast he'd been given by the establishment, and wandered downstairs. As he was leaving, he could faintly hear a familiar voice shouting about "stupid, back-stabbing, money-grubbing bandits". He shrugged and walked out.
~*20 minutes later*~
Croquet was onboard the ship that would, unfortunately, be returning him to the castle. As they docked, he reached into his pocket for the money he needed to pay for the trip. 'What in the…' It was empty. (Can't imagine why…) "Crap," he growled, before tearing-ass off the boat, accompanied by the death threats being screamed after him by the ship's captain.
~*30 minutes later*~
Croquet had reached the castle, and was climbing the stairs to the entrance. He was a third of the way there. "*huff huff heave heave* That Pegasus is a sick, sick man…"
~*10 minutes later*~
Winded, but still (kind of) alive, Croquet made it to the castle entrance, and walked inside. Kemo was waiting for him in the hall. "Run," was all the warning he received before Pegasus's wails pierced the air.
"CROQUET!!!" the screechy-one cried. "THE *hic* TV YOU HAD SENT HERE IS *hic* BROKEN!!!"
Croquet immediately pulled out his cell phone and dialed Kaiba's number. K-chan answered the phone groggily, "Yuh-huh?" Croquet growled over Pegasus's shrieking, "I need to talk to Seto Kaiba about the broken television he gave me…" he was cut off as K-chan grumbled, "Why did you THINK I asked you what you wanted with a 'piece of crap like that', I believe my words were…" she then promptly hung up the phone.
Croquet backed away from Pegasus warily. "I suppose this would be a very bad time to ask for a raise?"
~*999 more missed episodes of Funny Bunny later*~
Croquet woke up, still exhausted from the past year. He had spent every hour of every day looking for that god-forsaken television, and had finally succeeded. Pegasus was busy watching episode 1 of Funny Bunny on his new TV, getting drunk all the while. 'At least he's not mad anymore…' He entered the room calmly and bowed. Pegasus turned to him and glowered with his one good eye.
"What IS it Croquet?! You've already *hic* made me *hic* miss 1,000 episodes already!"
Croquet bowed again and stated through his teeth, "A thousand pardons, Master Pegasus. One for each episode."
And so, now you know why Croquet insists on apologizing to Pegasus a thousand times whenever he does something stupid. Congratulations.
~*Owari*~
Please R&R, this is my first fic, so go easy on me!