Chapter 16:

Monday.

I can do this. I don't care. It doesn't matter. Right? I haven't met Antonio in, like, three days. Maybe he has forgotten about me already, it's not like I'm fucking worth remembering. He must have realised that now. I won't have to talk to anyone. Antonio and the idiots will just ignore me. It will be great. They don't matter. I can be by myself. It can be just like i planned from the start. That's great. Really. I don't even have any lessons with Antonio today. I won't even have to fucking look at him. Not that I would care either way. Just… It doesn't matter. I don't care.

"Lovino Vargas?" The voice of my English teacher breaks my thoughts.

"Here." Okay Lovino, focus. You don't care about Antonio, not really. So fucking focus on this lesson instead. But what if Antonio has told someone? Apart from the idiots. What if he would actually do that? I don't think so… but… You can never trust a human being. That is the thought that should guide any other opinions you may have. And what if he would tell someone something? Or the morons. They definitely would. What if anyone thinks that I… that I'm gay, or just that I'm weird in general. What if they think that my reaction was messed up? That I'm weird. What if someone figures out what actually happened? What if? What if they figure out that I'm disgusting? Fucked up. What if someone realises what a victim I am? That the same thing could easily happen again. I clench my fists. Stop it. I take a deep breath. But what if? It's not like it's impossible. I don't want to be taken again. I don't want to. I don't want people to know. They'll think that I'm weird. Fucked up. Disgusting. I don't want that. I don't want them to think anything about me. I don't want to. Fuck.

Calm down.

Okay. Okay. Focus. Don't think. I can't think. It doesn't matter. It doesn't fucking matter. Just focus.

"Well okay then class, since it's the end of the semester and the grades have already been set we'll do something fun today." Fuck. When teachers say that, it's never fun. Never. Ever. We'll probably have to work in groups. Talk to each other. I don't want that. I don't like that. I don't want to talk to people. They don't want to talk to me. I shouldn't talk to people. I just want to be alone. "We're going to write poems, but, as a twist, I'll split you up in groups of three who will write the poems together. One person in the group will write the first line, and then the next person write the next line and so on until you feel like the poem is finished."

Seriously? Does she honestly think that anyone will want to do that? I don't want to talk to anyone. I don't want to. I really don't fucking want to. What if someone saw me kissing Antonio? What if someone was there… Fuck what if someone… There could have been people there. It's a park, of course there could have been people there. What if someone saw? What if someone thought I liked it? I don't want to. I don't want to. What if that person has told everyone? What if everyone already knows? Antonio wouldn't even have needed to tell anyone. What if they're all fucking staring at me? What if they all know? Fuck. What if… The Demon what if he… What if He's pissed of. Fuck. I don't… Shit. I can practically hear my heart beating. What if the Demon… I… No. He can't…

Calm down.

Okay. Okay. There probably wasn't anyone there. Maybe. The… The Demon probably doesn't know. Maybe. I need to… No one has said anything yet, right? If anyone know anything they'd have said it by now, right? That's what people do isn't it. When they find out something… something like that. They tell you that they know. They say it, over and over and… Just let you know just how awful you actually fucking are. So if anyone knew, they would have said so. Maybe. I just have to… Something. I don't know. I never fucking know.

Focus.

"Group three is Alfred Jones, Feliks Łukasiewicz and Kiku Honda." The teacher is reading from a list in her hand. Shit. She hasn't said my name already, has she? Maybe she has. Fuck. I don't want to ask anyone. Fuck. "Group four is Heracles Karpusi, Lovino Vargas and Elizaveta Hédervary."

Okay. Okay. Hercules is that moron who's always asleep and Elizaveta is… 'Are you and Antonio, like, a thing yet?.' No. Stop it. I don't want to work with her. What if she had something to do with the whole thing? What if she and Antonio are closer than they seem? What if she knows something. Fuck. What should I..? She probably knows everything. Maybe Antonio made her ask me that. Not that that really sounds like him but… I don't know. I have to…

Just act normal. Just be normal for once. Act as if nothing has happened. You can't do anything anyways. I take a deep breath. Okay. Be normal. Just fucking be normal.

"Uhm Lovino? I think that we'll have to go and sit by Heracles. I think that he's asleep again." I jump at the sound of the voice and turn around. Fucking calm down. It's just that chick.

"Eh, what?"

"Heracles. He's over there…" She points towards the front of the classroom, in the corner. "… sleeping. We're supposed to be writing poems. So I guess that we'll have to wake him up."

She's speaking like she usually does, isn't she? She doesn't sound any different. I think. It's not like I've talked to her that much. Maybe she doesn't know anything. She seemed very interested. If she knew something she would be acting differently, wouldn't she? Maybe she's just putting up an act. Maybe… But I've never seen her talk to Antonio. They don't really seem to be friends. They're not even in the same grade so I mean why should they? I don't know. Fuck. Just act normal. Just fucking act normal.

-.-.-.-.-.-

I don't like these corridors. There's too much people here. They're everywhere. Going off in different directions. They're too close. Pushing me. Being in the way. I don't like it. Why can't everyone just be going in the same direction? They're too close. Fuck. Stop it. Stop it. Why is everyone taller than me? I can't see anything. Stop bumping into me. Stop it. Fuck. Stop it. Stop it. Stop it.

At least there are a little less people by the lockers, for some weird reason. It's something at least. I take up my key to open my locker. Wait. Fuck. Why is he here? Well there. On the other side of the room. Why is he standing there? He doesn't have his locker here, does he? He's smiling. His hair tousled and never standing completely still. As usual. He's happy. That's good for him. Maybe he really didn't care that much about me. That's good. I don't care. The faster he gets over me, the better.

I have no reason for caring. Antonio was just my friend. I didn't deserve to have him as my friend. I should be happy that he's realised that. Or that he at least ignores me. I don't care. I can just be alone now. That's good. I turn away from Antonio and open my locker, taking out the book for my next class. He doesn't matter. Not at all. I don't give a fuck. I glance towards Antonio again. He's still standing there smiling, talking to someone. Looking just as good as he usually does. Not that I think that he looks good. I don't. Fuck no. Of course I don't. Why would I think that he's cute? I don't. I don't care. He doesn't matter. We just became friends in some weird way, despite me being fucking repulsive and fucked up and it's good for him that we're not friends anymore. I don't care. Why the fuck does that Bastard even like me? It doesn't make any fucking sense. Fucking why? Why?

Calm down.

Antonio hasn't seen me looking at him, right? I hope not. I shouldn't be looking at him. I have no reason for it. I turn my head away, facing the wall. It's a very interesting wall. I have no right to care about Antonio. He said that he liked me. And I might have killed him at one point, if given the opportunity. I'm disgusting. So fucking disgusting.

I glance towards Antonio again. He's staring right back at me. Frozen. Definitely not smiling anymore. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. I don't want to. I don't want this. I just… Antonio looks… sad? Disappointed? I don't know. I shouldn't care. He'll get over it. It's better if he ignores me. For his own sake if nothing else. It's just better. I don't care. I don't… Antonio suddenly turns around, walking away in the opposite direction from me. He… I just… I press my fingers into my palms. I. Don't. Care. This is a good thing. Antonio is starting to get over me. Or trying at least. That's good. He doesn't care. I don't care. It's all good. It's all fucking brilliant. I can be by myself. I won't have to talk to anyone. It's great. I don't give a shit about Antonio. He doesn't matter much. Really.

Someone bumps into me, making me flinch. I need to move. I'll be late for my next lesson already. Fuck. I don't want to. People will stare. I don't want to.

-.-.-.-.-.-

This school really is way too filled with people. Couldn't whoever is planning when people are supposed to eat lunch have thought it through just a little better? And why the fuck is everyone moving? People are supposed to be sitting down and eating, not running around and being in the way. Seriously. People are talking so fucking loudly. Or yelling. It could probably count as yelling. Shit. I need to sit down somewhere. I have to eat. My next lesson starts soon. I can't be late again. Fuck. Where can I sit? There has to be somewhere… Where do I even usually sit? Usually I have no problem with finding somewhere to sit. That's because you usually sit with the Bastard and his friends. Right. Well that doesn't matter. I'll just have to find some other place… It's no problem, right? Antonio doesn't matter. He talks too much anyways, he always takes ages to eat his food. Gilbert is fucking disgusting talking while he's eating. Francis is just… no. Yeah. They're just annoying. It's not like I ever wanted to eat with them. It just kinda… happened. It doesn't matter. I will just find somewhere else to sit. I don't give a fuck about them. I don't. Really. Antonio doesn't matter. His jokes are always stupid anyways.

I have to sit down somewhere. How fucking hard can it be? I just have to… There are people everywhere. Fucking everywhere. I just have to… Where can I sit? I don't recognise anyone. Fuck. I just… Maybe if I… Fuck. I have to… Shit. I'm shaking now. I can feel it. I probably look like a complete idiot. Fuck. I look around myself again. People everywhere. There has to be someplace… There has to… I don't… So many people. Where can I…

Focus.

I force myself to move. Dumping my food into a trashcan and walking, probably too quickly to look natural, out of the cafeteria.

-.-.-.-.-.-

Tuesday.

I don't want to be here. Why the fuck am I here? Fuck. I can just go home, right? It won't matter if I miss one school-day. I don't want to see him. I don't want to see anyone else for that matter. But I really don't want to see him. Or talk to him. I shouldn't care. I don't care. Antonio seems to care less than I do. And he's supposed to fucking like me. That's weird. I'm weird. Antonio is better off without me. If I do care, a little tiny bit, at least I can be happy that Antonio won't have to fucking talk to me anymore. What if I would have killed him? Fuck.

I can just skip this lesson. Right? It won't matter. Please. I don't fucking want to be here. I don't want to. I don't want to sit next to Antonio. I don't want to get my grade on that fucking history project. I don't want to. I want to go home.

For fuck's sake Lovino stop shaking. It doesn't matter. I don't care. I'm almost by the classroom now. Fuck. I don't want to. I want to go home. Why do I even care? I shouldn't care. Antonio doesn't seem to care that much. I'm supposed to just ignore him. I'm good at ignoring people, I think. Antonio will get over you soon enough. Then it'll be okay. I can just ignore everyone. Be by myself. It'll be great. I just have to act normal. That's it. I just have to be normal. Acting like I don't care. Because I don't. Really. I take a deep breath and walk into the classroom. Sitting down in the very back of it.

The Bastard doesn't seem to be here. Good. The lesson starts in just a minute. Most people are already here. Maybe Antonio won't show up at all. Maybe he's sick. Hopefully nothing too serious. Not that I really care. He's not here. That's what matters.

Why isn't he here though? Has anything happened to him? It can't have, right? Maybe. What if he's hurt? What if he's in pain? Or really sick? What if the Demon… What if he… What if… No. He can't… Or maybe… But what if the Demon really… He could have escaped prison. He could do that. He could do anything. What if he has taken Antonio. He could have. He could… What if he has… What if Antonio will have to go through all that. All the… No. Please. I can feel myself shaking again. I can't fucking breathe. What if the Demon… What if… He would beat him. Touch him. Would he… No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. Fuck. He can't… What if he… I have to do something… I have to… What if the Demon is… His hands touching Antonio. Hurting him. His… No. Please. What should I… What can I even… The Demon… No one can stop the Demon. He can do anything, he can… Fuck. Shit. I have to… What if…

I hear someone pulling out the chair next to me, and immediately turn my head to the side. Antonio. He's here. He… I take a deep breath. Slowly unclenching my fists. He looks okay. He's fine. He… He's okay. Of course he is. What really is the probability of… Why do I fucking care? I shouldn't care. I'm not supposed to care. I… He's okay. It doesn't matter now. It doesn't matter. I don't care. I don't fucking care. I'm just going to keep away from Antonio. It's for his own good. I mean if I keep hanging out with him, and the Demon somehow gets away, which isn't impossible, then he might… take Antonio. He might. You never know. Antonio should be thankful that I'm doing this. He should be. Not that that matters. I don't care about his opinions. I should just focus on the lesson or something.

The teacher is babbling on about some shit. I don't even know. Friendship. Knowledge. Other stupid teacher stuff. Nothing important probably. I don't want to sit here. This whole thing sucks. Fuck. Would it be completely socially unacceptable for me to slam my face in to the table? Probably. I don't fucking want to be here. I want to go home.

-.-.-.-.-

The teacher's gone out to get something. I think she forgot half the assignments. I don't care. She's stupid. How can you forget half the assignments? Did she store them in different places? It's fucking retarded. Everyone is talking. Of course they are. People start shouting the second a teacher leaves the classroom. They're too loud. I don't like it. Antonio is still sitting quietly next to me. He hasn't said a word since he sat down. It feels… wrong I guess. He's usually one of the people who talks the most. Laughing and gesturing and saying a bunch of stupid stuff. Him being quiet is weird. Not that I should care. He's probably fine. It's not like it's fucking weird that he doesn't want to talk to me right now. Or ever. I glance to the side. Antonio's still turned away from me. I can't see his face. His hair is getting longer though. He'll probably cut it soon. Not like that fucking matters to me. It looks really soft now though. It would probably be nice to just… What? No. No. No. No. No. No. No. I'm not going to finish that. I wasn't going to… No. That was just weird. I'm not supposed to be weird. Not weirder than I am already at least. Not more fucked up than I already am. Shit. He doesn't matter. He doesn't matter. Really. I force myself to look away from Antonio. Looking around the rest of the room instead.

Francis is talking to Arthur again. Well I think that he's talking at least. It mostly just looks like leaning over him, making Arthur almost falling out of his seat. Fucking morons. Why hasn't Alfred said anything? Isn't he here today? Maybe not. He would usually interrupt something like this. Protecting his fucking boyfriend. Why are they all so fucking stupid? I open my mouth to comment on it, quickly shutting it again. Right. I can't talk to Antonio anymore. I press my nails into my palms. Not like that matters. I don't care. It's not like I have to comment on things. It's not like it's something important. Antonio would usually have said something about this as well. It's weird that he doesn't. I squeeze my hands together harder. I don't care. It doesn't matter. It's good that he's not talking to you. What if you would have killed him? What if you would have fucking killed him?

I look towards Antonio again. He's looking back. Fuck. I blink, and Antonio looks away again.

I don't care about him. I refuse to. I don't fucking care.

-.-.-.-.-

Okay. It's going to be okay. Maybe. There's only like two hours of school tomorrow. Getting your grades. You won't have to see Antonio. That's a good thing. I mean a neutral thing. Since it doesn't matter. I twist around on the bed, almost hitting the wall. He doesn't matter. At all. Grabbing my pillow I keep rolling back and forth on the bed. I. Don't. Fucking. Care. I just have to… Stop thinking. Stop caring. Stop… Something. Just fucking… I don't know. It doesn't matter. I don't care.

Calm down.

I take a few deep breaths, sitting up on the bed. It's okay. It's fine. I just have to… do something productive. Right. I can't just sit here. That's not going to help anything. Not that I need help with anything, or some shit like that. I don't care about anything or anyone and therefore I'm going to fucking do something. Yes. That is a great idea.

I stand up, looking around the room. What the fuck can I even do? Read? No, fuck that. I don't even like reading. Maybe… Video games? No. I played to many when I was home. Studying, talking to Berwald and playing videogames, stupid silly videogames, that's what I spent a year doing. I haven't played much since I started school again. And I probably shouldn't start to either. Just… I'll just… Watch a movie. Yes. That's okay. I'll just watch some stupid fucking movie and it'll all be alright. I grab my computer and sit down on the bed again. I'll just watch a movie. It doesn't matter. Nothing matters.

It's dark outside. When did that happen? Well it's December so it doesn't actually have to be that late… but still. What time is it? I haven't watched that many movies. I don't think so at least. I look at the clock. It's half past two, a.m. if that wasn't obvious. Well… maybe I did watch a few films. Not like it matters. I don't have any homework. No one cares what I'm doing. Not even Grandpa. He just stuck his head in here for two seconds when he came home. Didn't even call me down for dinner. Not like I care.

I pick up my cell phone. No messages. Of course. Why would there even...? Well Antonio usually texts me at least a couple of times a week. He hasn't for a couple of days now, obviously. Not that I care either way. He just talks about stupid fucking things anyways, like homework or stupid videos that he's seen or his friends or tomatoes or some other shit. Just stupid things. Antonio is stupid. He's stupid. So stupid. I don't care. I don't fucking…

Screw it. I miss him.