Its four o clock in the morning and Jackson's waiting by the docks for Derek to finish up his shift. Derek pulls up on the side of the curb and Jackson jogs over, brows furrowing when he can't open the door. He looks up to see childish glee in Derek's eyes before the older man leans over and pulls the door car lock up. Jackson rolls his eyes but there is a small amused quirk of a smile on his face. When he hops into the car he makes a loud sound something between a scoff and a gasp and covers his nose with his palm.

"Dude, you reek." He comments, spare hand going to scroll down the car window as Derek starts driving and lighting up a cigarette simultaneously.

"Don't make me rub my armpit on you." Derek jibes and Jackson sneers.

Five minutes down the road Jackson groans.

"Seriously though you like stink of fish." He says not unkindly and Derek shrugs, flicks his cigarette butt out through his window.

"I like it." He says and Jackson raises an eyebrow.

"You like smelling of fish?" He questions, outraged and Derek tsks.

"I meant my job jackass." Derek replies before taking a left.

"What's so fun about slinging fish around?" The kid asks, genuinely curious because honestly there's only so much fun you can have with hoisting slimy dead scaly things from one place to another.

"When were out in the boats getting the fish, that's the good part. The open ocean, hoisting up the sail. The thing about boats is that they can get you anywhere." Derek explains and Jackson purses his lips in thought. He's never been out of America, has never really wanted to. It's familiar if not a little repetitive but that's what he likes about it, he knows what to expect.

"Where would you go?" Jackson queries, fingers tapping at the plastic beneath the cars window.

"Wherever I wanted." Derek replies and the teen sometimes wonders if Derek has problems with sharing because he never elaborates, he gives you enough information, enough of an answer without actually telling you anything.

"Where would you want to go?" The older man asks a moment later and Jackson turns to face him, shrugs.

"I dunno, maybe Aruba. It's supposed to be nice there."

Derek nods. "Good choice." He comments. Their quiet for a little while, the radio on low in the background when Jackson notices they missed the turning for Derek's apartment.

"Hey where are we going?"

Derek looks around before blinking confusedly like he hadn't realised what he was doing.

"Kathy's all night diner, I'm starving."

Jackson rolls his eyes.

"Hey you try working a ten hour shift and tell me how you'd feel." Derek defensively says and Jackson smirks.

"Whatever."

They get the food as takeout once they get there. Derek orders half the menu and he's the type of complicated eater who has to have a different sauce on one thing and every bit of salad except onions on another just to be difficult. Jackson says he doesn't want anything but Derek orders him sweet potato fries anyway. The fries are beyond delicious and after they've eaten Derek parks up behind a mound on the opposite side of Kathy's diner's parking lot.

Jackson undoes his seatbelt and when he reaches across to kiss Derek, it tastes like the salt from the fries and the artificial sugar from the soda Derek drank.

They fuck in the backseat of the car and Jackson's petty sure he's caused himself some minor brain damage from his head continuously banging into the car window handle. He's on his back with Derek knelt between his legs, hips fucking back and forth until Jackson pulls him down, holds him tight and pants against his mouth, feeling too frenzied for proper kisses.

It feels filthy, filthier still because Derek hasn't even got his pants off for Christ's sake, there just pulled open at the front enough that his cocks out and Jackson's completely naked, back chaffing against the rough material of the backseats.

"Fuck me, fuck me." Jackson repeats, a heated mantra and he knows it's pointless because Derek already is but it's worth it because the words spur Derek on, make him shove Jackson's legs wider, grab the teens hips and pull Jackson back onto his cock. It hurts, but it hurts good, they'd scrimped on the lube because Derek only had a small amount left in the glove box of his car, so every drag of Derek's cock inside of him causes friction.

He wraps his legs tighter around Derek's hips, sweaty thighs sliding against the older man's rib cage. "Faster." He breaths until he can't anymore, until it sounds like he's hiccupping, every word and moan hitching and breaking as he drags his nails down Derek's shoulders blades, leaving stinging scratch marks behind.

Derek gasps Jackson's name, breath hot and sticky against his cheek, lips catching and dragging over the teens flushed face. It's absolute.

After they climax and Derek's catching his breath, face pushed into Jackson's sweaty neck; Jackson reaches up and drags his heated hand through a condensation laced window. Feeling the slight movement Derek looks up at to see what he's doing and scoffs.

"What? Everyone needs a Titanic moment." Jackson shrugs when Derek sends him an unimpressed look.

"Yeah, except that car they did it in was a lot nicer than this one." Derek admits and Jackson laughs, a little punched out appeased noise.

"And I'm pretty sure neither one of them really reeked of fish." Jackson comments with a little smirk and in retaliation Derek nips at his shoulder. The sensations more pleasant than painful so Jackson tips his head to the side and raises his arms, hands smearing against the window except his time it isn't intentional at all.

They eat their left over takeaway as the suns coming up, sitting on the hood of the car. The city looks different at this time of day not as washed out as it usually is. The skies mostly blue at the moment with streaks of orange and pink brushed through it. It looks peaceful in a way that only ad's on the television are capable of providing.

"This city is actually kind of beautiful." Jackson says and Derek lies back against the hood, eyes on Jackson.

"Yeah." He sighs. "Yeah it is."

/

As a child Derek was observant. He had an older sister so watching her go through the troubles of puberty before him was somewhat irritating and fortunate. Irritating because she had a hell of a temper on her when she was on her period and fortunate because if he ever had trouble understanding something or his hormones annoyed the fuck out of him his sister would understand, would take his side if he ever got in an argument with his parents even if he was overbearing and in the wrong.

A flaw of being so observant was that Derek knew his parents were going to get divorced even before they announced it. They told him and his sisters after a family meal of roast beef. Said bullshit things about how it wouldn't change anything, how they'd still love him and his sisters equally. His mum wasn't any happier when Derek's dad left if anything she was sadder, more easily irritated and Derek hated it, hated coming home and watching his mum wallow in sadness, in bitter feelings when Derek's dad told her he'd started seeing someone else.

Watching her break apart slowly made him angry, made him want to scream at his mum to look after him and his sisters. She withdrew into herself and when one day himself and Laura went to wake her for breakfast and her stuff was gone everyone but Derek was surprised. She'd left a letter. Derek hadn't bothered to read it and sometimes he wonders if he should have. But what could she have possibly said that wasn't indicated by her leaving. That she couldn't handle her divorce or having to take care of her three kids. That she'd rather leave her children than have to face being alone, that she's taken the easy way out, that she's being selfish.

Laura had been crying, clutching the letter and shaking her head.

"I don't understand why she would leave, if she needed help we would have been there for her."

Derek shrugged from where he had been standing in the corner of the room. His eyes burned with the need to cry, but he wasn't going to, he wouldn't allow himself to feel something for someone who abandoned him.

"She couldn't handle looking after us, it doesn't matter she's not our problem anymore."

After a while Derek began to think that being emotionally closed off ran in the family because he too started shutting his feelings down, would ignore his sisters attempts to talk to him. He didn't want to talk; he didn't want to be close to anyone. What was the point? All that happened was that you placed your trust into someone and they used it to break you apart. Derek didn't want that, he didn't want to give anyone the opportunity to hurt him even if it was family because his mother proved that no matter how close you are to someone you can hurt them, relentlessly and unapologetically.

Derek had seen what love could do. He honestly couldn't understand it. It was completely incomprehensible. Why would you want to fall in love? To fall in love was allowing another person to hold utter control over you and your emotions. To be that open, to be that vulnerable with someone – it was simply careless.

/

Derek hasn't drunk in a long time; he doesn't have any tolerance for it. When he drinks its excessive to the point that he'll wake up the next day and have blanks in his memory. He rarely drinks but when he does, he likes to take full advantage of it.

He remembers being at the bar, a dingy country bar where the tables were sticky with spilt beer and the music of Robin Loxley blared out through the speakers. The bright red lights hanging low from the ceiling had tinted everything a warm crimson and Derek felt his eyes lidding as he inclined his fingers and beckoned the bar tender over.

He was a pretty little thing, deep black hair that was noticeably dyed, rotund warm brown eyes and a lip piercing that looked fresh, the skin surrounding the silver bar having turned a harsh pink.

Pretty yes but not Jackson. Jackson who Derek finds is the reason he's drinking.

Derek doesn't like to feel, doesn't like to get close, to make himself vulnerable and it's a raw statement to his sanity that the first person he breaks these adamantine rules for is a whore.

Derek doesn't know what it is about him, what it is about Jackson that makes Derek care, that makes Derek wonder about him, wonder what his life was like before Derek met him, wonder what he's doing when Derek's at work or when he's lying in bed and listening to the loud clatter and gurgle of water rushing through the pipes beneath his thin apartment walls.

It's just after three in the morning and their closing up the bar. The bartender claps Derek on the arm, offers to call him a cab but Derek waves him off, ignores the tentative smile on the guys face.

He stumbles out of the bar, feels a hiccup rise up through his chest before he turns towards Jackson's apartment building. It's close to here; it's only when Derek's drudging up the stairs that he wonders if Jackson's got a client. Derek finds he doesn't care if he interrupts them.

He trips over his own feet, feels the rumble of his laugh before he rests his forehead against Jackson's apartment door. He grumbles Jackson's name before he knocks rasping his knuckles against the plastic door a few times before the knocks become harder and more closely spaced together. He hears muffled steps, the closing of a door before the apartment door inches open a tiny bit and he sees blue narrowed eyes glaring at him from the ajar space.

"Derek what the hell?" Jackson whispers furiously and Derek pushes his palms out on either side of his body and grins because finally Jackson's answered the door and Derek doesn't know why that feels like some sort of an achievement.

"You not gonna invite me in?" Derek asks resting his forearms against either side of the doorframe.

Jackson looks behind him and Derek watches as his fingers curl around the edge of the door where he's holding it open.

"Taya's asleep." Jackson says and it sounds like an excuse, like he wants to ask Derek to leave but isn't sure how to.

"And you're drunk; I don't want you around her like this."

Derek scoffs at the ridiculousness of that because only a few weeks ago he helped Jackson when he was itching for a fix and now the kids stressing over a little bit of alcohol.

"Says the junkie." Derek sneers and revels in the widening of Jackson's eyes. After what Derek had done for Jackson the kid should be thankful not sending him away the first chance he gets. It seems that if Derek's not paying him or helping him evade his withdrawals Jackson couldn't care less about him.

"Get the hell away from my house before I call the cops." Jackson says and Derek's sober enough to see how serious the kid is.

"I got money, how about if I pay you huh, will you let me in then?" Derek asks around a cruel grin, words whispered acerbically.

The door swings open so quickly Derek's alcohol addled brain takes a moment to register it but then Jackson's fist connects with his face and Derek falls to the floor.

He doesn't feel any pain but he knows he will tomorrow when he wipes at his nose, draws his hand back and sees blood coating his fingers. When he looks up the doors closed but when he shuts his eyes and listens closely enough he can hear Jackson's laboured breathes coming from the other side.

And sitting there on the floor, dejected and drunk Derek realises that this, this is why he doesn't allow himself to care because he fucks up. Every. Single. Time.

/

Derek wakes to a sharp banging against his apartment door. The first thing he does is groan, clutch blindly at his head then his nose which is throbbing. He sits up cautiously and feels his stomach do a little flip. His mouth makes a sticky discontent sound when he parts his lips and he sways before standing on shaky legs and making his way to the apartment door where the knocking hasn't ceased.

"Alright, alright." He grumbles loudly and hopes it isn't his landlord because he's paid his rent already god dammit.

He's running one hand over his sleep crusted eyes when he yanks the door open to see Jackson on the other side looking unimpressed and a little choleric.

Last night comes back in flashes, small sequences and on some areas it blanks out and he wishes he could remember. He recalls harsh words being thrown back and forth between them but he can't remember exactly what was said, he knows he was abhorrent though.

"Thought I'd come make sure you hadn't passed out in a puddle of your own sick." Jackson breaks the silence and Derek huffs.

He lets Jackson slide into the apartment, watches him pause by the bed before turning around to face Derek.

"I overdid it last night." Derek admits, hands feeling detached and uncouth where they hang by his sides.

"You were a dick last night." Jackson corrects and Derek scowls.

"What did you come here for anyway because if it was to gloat you can just get out." Derek says because he gets it, he was an idiot yesterday but he doesn't need this kid to remind him of that fact, to taunt him about it.

Derek doesn't want to argue, thinks for a moment that it shouldn't be this difficult, that they shouldn't even talk outside of what they do but yet here they are. It seems like Jackson doesn't want to fight either because for once he's silent no sarcastic comments, no witty come backs.

"I fancy coffee." Jackson says and Derek looks startled for a moment before looking towards the kitchenette.

"I've got coffee." He replies and then they stare at each other for a minute before Jackson smirks. "Get to it then." The kid orders and Derek rolls his eyes before gathering the cups.

Their silent as the kettle boils, Derek running his index and forefingers over his sorehead and Jackson standing with his back against the counter.

Derek heaps two spoonfuls of sugar into Jackson's coffee before sliding it on the counter over to him and Jackson wonders when Derek found out about his coffee preferences and he contemplates if this is getting out of line. What they have. What they're doing. If any other person spoke to Jackson as Derek did last night he wouldn't think twice about cutting them out of his life let alone coming to see them the next day. But he had been worried, even after he'd slammed the door on Derek he wanted to open it straight back up, to coax him inside and make him sleep off the alcohol.

He doesn't realise he's staring into space until Derek nudges at his calf with his foot.

Jackson shakes his head before turning to Derek a small embarrassed smile on his face.

"Hm?" Jackson hums.

"Nothin." Derek mumbles hand wrapped around his coffee cup.

Derek leans down, head making a little abortive motion and Jackson keeps himself still, stares straight ahead as Derek inclines his head to press a chaste kiss to the smooth skin just beneath Jackson's ear. An apology. Jackson's fingers tighten around his mug to the point that the hot ceramic burns against his skin. He wants to lean into the touch, close his eyes and release a sigh but he can't, instead he uses his free hand and pushes at Derek's chest.

"You smell like cheap whiskey." He comments scrunching his nose distastefully and Derek rolls his eyes.

"I can take a hint, I'll shower." Derek says and Jackson nods, watches the older man gulp down his coffee before heading for the shower.

Derek doesn't say anything to him and Jackson's not sure whether to stay or not. He feels simultaneously excited and sick. This feeling growing inside of him is frightening and he can't contain it, what he feels, what he feels for Derek.The more time he spends with him the easier it is to believe in the illusion that what they have is something more, that it isn't just Derek paying to have sex with him. But in reality that's all it is and Jackson can feel himself forgetting that, can feel himself wishing it was more.

Calling it a bad idea is a complete understatement. Jackson doesn't even know anything about Derek, hell he doesn't even know his last name so to think they could have more is perpetually laughable. Jackson can't think of any circumstances in which this could work, not with Jackson's responsibility to Taya not with what Jackson does for a living.

With a light tremble in his body Jackson places his full cup into the sink and leaves before Derek exits the shower.

/

Jackson dropped Taya off at preschool in the morning and he's not due to pick her up for a couple more hours so he uses the time to clean the apartment.

He empties the fridge and frowns at some of the things he pulls out because he honestly can't remember when he brought half of them. He takes a break half way through to eat a cheese and crisp sandwich a strange concoction he'd always favoured. He eats slowly; mouth chewing but he can't really taste the food.

He does the bedroom last but when he picks up his pillow he gets a waft of aroma that he reluctantly recognises as Derek's aftershave. He grips the pillow a bit tighter, allows himself the luxury of pulling it closer to himself and breathing in the scent clinging to the cotton – if only for a minute.

He's dumping his clothes into a laundry bag when he hears a knock at the door. He shoves the bags down with a sigh before going to answer it. He doesn't expect the person on the other side and for a moment he freezes and he doesn't think dread exactly covers how he's feeling.

"You look well." Is the first thing Danny says when Jackson's opens the door. He considers slamming the door shut because why would Danny be here? And does that mean that Gerard's close behind? Danny said they couldn't remain in contact just in case Gerard found out and came after Jackson. Danny was never a bad person but he was around for a bad period of Jackson's life and seeing him brings it all back, makes him think Gerard could be around the corner.

"What are you doing here?" Jackson asks peeking around the corner of the door jam and down the hall.

"What are you-" Danny starts then shakes his head, an apologetic look on his face.

"I'm an idiot, god Jackson. I'm. I'm on my own; I came here to tell you something."

Jackson doesn't relax, can't allow himself to.

"Can I come in?" Danny tentatively asks and Jackson inches the door further shut. Danny breaths out a sharp breath.

"Okay." He says before he seems to puff himself up readying himself to say something, do something. "Gerard he's, he's dead."

The first thing Jackson feels is intense disbelief followed by a spark of retribution. When he feels his chest flare up with a lock of tightness though he finds himself confused. It feels as if someone's crushing his chest, squeezing his lungs and cutting off his breathing. He turns to Danny with wet eyes.

"What?" He asks. Danny exhales and smiles, it's a confusing smile like he's feeling too many things for it to completely make sense.

"He's dead Jacks. He had brain cancer." And Jackson doesn't know why but he cries. He starts to sob, breathes hiccupping. After a minute of stiff standing Danny pushes the door open the rest of the way and hugs Jackson. Jackson remains still for several long seconds, throat thick and breathes tense before he raises his arms and fists them into Danny's jacket.

"I don't...don't-huh-...even know why...I'm cry...crying." Jackson admits shakily and Danny squeezes him once before answering.

"It doesn't matter why."

/

Jackson can't make the tea so Danny does. He doesn't enquire where any of the cups or spoons are, just quietly and unobtrusively searches for them himself.

After he sets the cups down he sits in a chair opposite Jackson at the kitchen table.

"I know it's a lot to take it, I'm sorry I didn't think of a better way to tell you."

Jackson doesn't know how to reply so for the moment he doesn't, he just snuffles heavily.

"What happened with Victoria and the others?" Jackson asks, voice muffled as Danny runs his thumb over the rim of his mug.

"They inherited Gerard's life insurance then they left. Chris signed over all of Gerard's businesses to the county. I don't think he wanted anything to do with the family business, he was always less inclined to it than the rest of them." Jackson nods but he doesn't really feel his head moving.

"I came here because Victoria and Chris weren't the only ones who were due inheritance in accordance to Gerard's death." Danny says and Jackson looks up, frowns.

"What do you mean?" The teen asks.

"He left some for you too." Danny replies, tentatively and almost a little hopeful.

Jackson swallows then sneers. "Is this some kind of sick joke?" Jackson spits and Danny reels back eyes wide with shock.

"No." He replies shakily.

"Jackson this is a good thing, it's a lot of money and I mean a lot. You could do whatever you wanted with it, move out of this place, start looking at courses for school. I mean, this is your chance to start over again."

"With his money. Just...no...god no. I came here to get away from him, it doesn't matter if it's a lot of money Danny it's still his. "

"Jackson think about it, what are you going to do when you have to start paying for Taya's school things. This money will have you set up for life. After what Gerard did to you, you deserve the money; you don't have to feel guilty about it." Danny reasons.

"Don't you get it? If I take that money everything I've done since I left is a waste. I've been away from Gerard for months, months but I'm still the same person. I let strangers do what he did to me I can't-." Jackson's breathe hitches like he's got taffy sticking his lungs together.

"Maybe this is all I'm good for." He says narrowly avoiding Danny's eyes as the older man turns to him.

"God Jackson no, don't ever say that. Don't think that." He gently urges and Jackson stands abruptly, sniffles heavily snorting up thick amounts of mucus before he flails his arms.

"Why not! It's true. I couldn't find a job so I've been selling myself to whoever'll take me. Nothings changed." Jackson shouts, shoulders shaking with broken hiccupped sobs. "I'm still weak... still useless."

He got away from Gerard but he hasn't changed. He hasn't improved himself. Using his body as a tool in which to obtain things had been branded into his psyche at such a young age. He wanted to stay with Taya and the only way he could do that was to sleep with Gerard and now he needs money so he sleeps with people who will pay for it. He wants to change; he needs to but not with Gerard's money. He has to do things for himself.

"You are none of those things." Danny knows he's shouting but he's got a fire burning in his gut, the need to tell Jackson that this portrayal he has of himself couldn't be more wrong.

"Jackson you are the strongest person I know. You've had to deal with the death of your parents and the molestation from someone you considered your guardian and you lived through it. You didn't just endure it, you survived it. "

"I can't take the money." Jackson says with finality.

"Okay." Danny replies almost as if he's telling Jackson that's it's alright, it's his choice he can do what he wants.

The teas cold by the time Jackson's sitting back down and is calm enough to drink it. He feels like an idiot now for losing it, for spilling all his feelings out but he won't apologise, he'll just look all the more pathetic if he does.

"I know you don't want the money, but if you do change your mind.-." Danny pauses when Jackson opens his mouth in protest. "If I said. If you change your mind just give me a call and I can push the paperwork through. "

Jackson nods.

Danny leaves soon after and Jackson feels like he's been hit by a freight train. Would it have been easier to of taken the money regardless of who it came from and what that person did to him? After all it's not about him; it's about Taya and what he can provide for her. At the moment he's barely making enough money, their scrimping. What is Jackson going to do when Taya wants to go off to college, when she needs study books and tuition fees?

He knows he can't stay here, not with how bad this neighbourhood is. It feels tainted here now that he's had a piece of his past show up. He feels closed in, claustrophobic and he wants to leave. Go to a nicer town; try to find a job so he doesn't have to sell himself.

He walks through to the bedroom and realises that he could fit himself and Taya's stuff into two bags easily. He's got a little money saved up from the last couple of sessions he's had with clients, enough to get them both a bus out of town.

He has no ties keeping him here, nothing to stop him from starting his life up somewhere else but somehow there's a part of him that realises he does. Derek's here. He has to tell him he's leaving because surely Derek would worry if Jackson just up and left without a word.

Jackson goes to tell Derek he's leaving and in actuality he has no reason to. There's nothing forcing him to but the thought of leaving without saying goodbye makes Jackson feel sick. It's like there's business between them that needs to be settled, words exchanged that maybe neither one of them have said before.

He knocks and each second he waits makes him feel more nervous, more unsure. The moment he turns to rush away Derek opens the door. He doesn't mention how Jackson left his apartment earlier he just smiles.

"Hi." Derek greets and Jackson swallows.

"We need to talk." He replies with trepidation and the older man frowns.

"Come in." He says and Jackson steps through to the apartment quickly and turns to face Derek, blurting his words out before Derek gets a chance to say anything.

"I'm leaving." He says and when Derek only blinks at him wide eyed Jackson elaborates.

"I'm leaving the city with Taya - tonight."

Derek closes off, face contorted in despondency. "Are you ever coming back?"

Jackson doesn't know why he feels sad, why he feels like he's throwing something away. He shakes his head.

Derek nods, jaw tensing like he's biting his tongue. Jackson doesn't know what to say, is unsure of what he wants Derek to say, what he wants Derek to do.

"I don't-." Derek starts before he cuts himself off.

"Why did you come here? You didn't have to tell me so why did you? Why'd you come all the way here to tell me you're leaving?" He gives Jackson an onslaught of questions and the teen doesn't even know where to start.

"I-." He begins then shuts his eyes, shakes his head.

"Do you want me to tell you not to go?" Derek asks.

"No." Jackson denies but it sounds weak and faux.

"You wouldn't be here if you didn't want me to. You could be half way across the state by now." Derek explains and Jackson grits his teeth, shoves his hands up roughly through his hair.

"It can't work, whatever we have, whatever this is - it can't work." Jackson says the words sounding choked out of him and he prays to god that him and Derek are on the same page, that Derek feels something other than lust for him too otherwise Jackson's just made a fool out of himself.

He wants Derek and not just in a sexual way anymore. He wants all of him, with his over milky coffee, his ridiculously chunky eyebrows and the way he'll smile at Jackson like they've known each other for years. The way he loves the sea like drivers love a road, the way he touches Jackson, makes him feel like he's worth something.

"It's worked so far." Derek counters.

Jackson stays quiet and looks down because suddenly the concept of looking at Derek without being able to have him feels painful.

"It can't forever. I don't know the first thing about you." The teen says.

"Is that what this is about? The fact that we don't know anything about each other." Derek quickly asks and Jackson shakes his head because that's one reason but that's barely scratching the surface. There's so much more to it, too much more.

"Fine." Derek says before taking a step towards Jackson. "My name is Derek Hale, I'm twenty two years old, I grew up in California, and I've got two sisters."

"Derek." Jackson says quietly hand reaching out to grasp onto Derek's jacket sleeve. "Derek, stop."

Derek doesn't he leans forward pressing his forehead to Jacksons. "Before I picked you up that first time I hadn't had sex for over nine months."

Derek shakes his head, his forehead brushing against Jacksons, their noses grazing.

"I hate the thought of you being with anyone else, and when I look at you-" Derek swallows and Jackson closes his eyes shut tight, tries to ignore Derek's words but he can't, every confession is like a stab to Jackson's heart, a hit to his already fraying resolve.

"When I look at you I want more and I know you do too."

Jackson can feel the burning pressure of too much , just too much emotion, too much feeling, but beneath it all, all he wants is to kiss Derek so he does, fists desperate hands into the older man's hair and drags him down, kisses him hard.

It's rushed and desperate, he jumps up and Derek catches him, hands beneath Jackson's thighs as the kid wraps his legs around his waist. Derek moves them backwards until Jackson's pressed up against a wall. Jackson rolls his hips up, their kisses harsh and desperate.

When he pulls away they remain close, open mouths bumping together.

"Tell me." Derek demands. "Tell me you want it too."

Jackson curls his fingers around the nape of Derek's neck, presses a long peck to his lips before drawing back.

"I want it too."

Derek moves back until he's by the bed, he slowly lowers himself and Jackson clings on tighter until his knees are pressed into the mattress on either side of Derek's hips.

It's different this time, absolute, gratifying in a way that Jackson's not used to. Derek's hands slide up under his shirt, palms kneading softly at his hips. Jackson curls the hand he has on the nape of Derek's neck around to the front where he rests his hand on the older man's throat, fingers splayed. He uses that hand to turn Derek's head to the side and inches forward to kiss along his neck, teeth opening and closing against the supple, sun kissed skin.

Derek moans, breathy and stunted when Jackson sucks on his neck, pulls flesh into his mouth and lathers it with his tongue, releasing it briefly only to bite at it until the skin turns ruddy. Derek pushes his hands up under Jackson's shirt, lifting the top until it's bunched underneath the teen's armpits. Jackson leans back to let Derek remove his top and fling it to the floor.

Jackson's nails scramble at Derek's broad shoulders, fingers creeping into and stretching the collar of Derek's shirt as he rubs at his collarbone, undulates his hips back and forth. They pull away long enough for Derek to remove his top but before he can push it off of the bed Jacksons scooting back and leaning down to mouth at his chest. Derek hisses in a breath, hand fisting around his discarded t-shirt he has pressed into the bed sheets.

Derek places a warm palm over the back of Jackson's head, gently guides the teens mouth to his nipple where Jackson runs the slick flat of his tongue over the nub, lightly wetting the small dark hairs that are there. It's slow and torturous, overwhelming to the point that Derek doesn't know whether he wants it to stop or not. Jackson mouths up his front until his mouth is back on Derek's. The older man eases back onto the mattress, feels Jackson slide off of his hips and Derek opens his legs to accommodate him, pulls them together once Jackson's fitted snugly, his hips pressing down into Derek's.

Jackson leans up onto his knees to undo the clasp of Derek's jeans and the older man raises his hips, stomach muscles flexing with the movement as he lets the teen pull his trousers off. He throws them to the edge of the bed and they remain there before they slide off only to make a small jingling sound when they drop to the floor. His underwear's removed soon after and once it is he rolls them over, kisses at the curve of Jackson's shoulder while holding the teens other arm against the bed. Jackson thrusts up, breath stuttering, head turning to the side, his open mouth pressing against the corner of Derek's.

Derek turns his head, kisses him with feeling before going to undo his jeans. When they're both naked and Derek slides up over him he can see that Jackson's trembling a little.

"You're shaking." He murmurs worriedly and goes to pull away, to give Jackson a bit of room but the teen just shuts his eyes, pulls Derek into him with a hand clawed around his shoulder.

"I'm just – it's." Jackson pauses and takes a deep breath, opens his eyes slowly though he keeps them focused on the space between Derek's collarbone and pectoral.

"This is the first time it's going to mean something." He admits cautiously and when Derek doesn't reply he slowly ventures a look at the older man. What he sees almost takes his breath away, Derek's face is open, slightly vulnerable but he looks awed, as if he's grateful for this.

Derek wants to say something, something ridiculous about how it will mean something every time they do this but he's never been one for words so instead he kisses Jackson, open mouthed, slow and messy, thumbs rubbing back and forth over Jackson's cheekbones.

It's easy there's no other way to describe it. They aren't on a timer, there's no thoughts about other people it's just them, bare and sweaty spread out over Derek's white sheets.

Derek ends up on his side with Jackson spooned up behind him as the teen reaches around with a lube slick hand and starts guiding it up and down his shaft. Derek presses the side of his face into the pillow and gasps into it, bites at the cotton fabric when Jackson glides his fingers down to rub over his balls. On instinct Derek lifts one leg, raises it at the knee. He feels Jackson shift behind him, before his hand draws back and this time his lube slick fingers travel down the back of Derek until their grazing over his cleft and into the space where Derek's hot inside.

Jackson's thorough and the thrust of his fingers inside Derek is mind-blowing, has Derek releasing these punched out moans as he rolls his hips down into the mattress, cock a stark red against the white sheets. Jackson makes little dipping movements with his fingers, squelching sounds of lube loud in the air as the teen bows his head to bite and licks at Derek's ear and hairline.

Derek's ready to come, has been since Jackson put the first finger in, but now he's on three and Derek's aching with the need for an orgasm. He reaches behind him, wrist bent at an awkward angle as he taps at Jackson's hand. Getting the hint Jackson removes his fingers slowly and Derek shudders at the feel of lubricant sliding out with it, all lucid and warm.

The rubbery texture of the condom always feels strange as it's sliding between his cheeks but once Jackson's breeched him Derek doesn't care.

Jackson pulls out slightly, gives a small rotating movement of his hips when he presses back in and god it's fucking amazing. It feels like liquid gold spreading through his veins, shooting down his back and into his toes which are curling against the bed sheets, screwing them up and making creases in the fabric.

Jackson curls his arm around the inside of one of Derek's legs and pulls it up, opening Derek up further for him and it makes him slide deeper and fuck, fuck his fucking prostate. Derek jerks, shuts his eyes and concentrates on the long, sure way that Jackson's fucking him. Concentrates on the way Jackson's smothering moans into the back of Derek's neck.

Derek shifts slightly, rolls and Jackson goes with the motion, let's go of his leg until Derek's forehead is pressed into the bedding, his knees up under him and his ass raised. He's low enough to the bed that his cock drags up against it every time he pushes backwards and he lets the friction of it get him off until the sheets aren't just wet with lube but his come too.

Jackson takes a hold of his waist and snaps his hips forward, jostling Derek until the older man's breath is hitching on every shove inward and Derek loves it, growls out little words of encouragement until Jackson moans above him thrusting one more time then stilling as he comes.

Cleaning up after is half assed. Derek kicks the top sheet off and then they both lay on their sides knees touching.

Jackson closes his eyes, resting them for a moment because it's been a long day and he's exhausted right down to his bones, his muscles are aching just right and his head feels heavy. He knows he'll have to leave soon to get Taya from preschool but he can't bring himself to move just yet. He's too stuck on thinking about what himself and Derek just did. They've had sex before multiple times but now they've laid themselves bare, they know what the other wants but what if it doesn't work out. Derek knows entirely too much about him. It's dangerous. If they decide that one day they don't feel the same way for each other what will happen. How is Jackson going to work now? He can't maintain a relationship with Derek and still sleep with strangers.

"This is crazy." Jackson breaths out, eyes peeling open when he feels Derek's hand run over the curve of his shoulder.

"I know." Derek agrees, nice and easy but he doesn't elaborate so Jackson sighs.

"You know this isn't normal right? This isn't what people do. People don't pay other people for sex then ask them out. It's not normal."

"Were not normal." Derek replies and Jackson groans through clenched teeth.

"No but you are irritating." The teen comments and Derek shrugs.

"It's a talent."

There's too many things that could go wrong and Jackson's worried because this isn't just about him, it's about Taya too. He feels scared because there's a part of him that still thinks he doesn't deserve anything good, doesn't deserve to feel anything beyond disappointment and self loathing. He's not entirely sure if it's the aftermath of what he's been through or if it's just etched into his DNA, either way Jackson can't help but to think this way.

Derek closes his eyes and stretches, rubs the side of his face into his pillow.

"If one day this isn't what you want anymore, I won't stop you. I'll let you leave." Derek's keeping his voice carefully neutral and his eyes are shut so Jackson can't read anything on him, can't tell how he might be feeling. He can tell Derek's genuine though and he doesn't deserve that, doesn't deserve the trust and faith Derek's placing in him. He wants to tell Derek that he doesn't have anything to worry about, that he'll stay forever but he doesn't know if he will, can't possibly tell how he'll feel in a few months time, a few years time.

Jackson leans forward and kisses Derek's mouth lightly, keeps his lips pressed there until Derek reciprocates. "Thanks." Jackson mumbles against his lips and Derek nods. Their quiet for a few minutes, Jackson thumbing through the sweat cooled strands of Derek's hair. "So what now?" The teen asks and Derek opens his eyes, grins. "I hear Aruba's great this time of year."

/