A/N: This is a compilation of really bad, short paragraphs that I wrote between 1 and 2am to make fun of DMMd.

Aoba was torn from his sleep in the early hours of the morning. "What the hell?" he shouted over the sounds of a trombone being played. He wandered into the living room to find Koujaku practicing with the brass instrument. A pentacle was scribbled on the floor by his feet. Closer inspection revealed the circle contained several mysterious ingredients: circular barbells, corndogs and rabbit fur. Oh no, Koujaku was trying to summon another brat with a beanie! Aoba looked Koujaku dead in the eye and the tooting faded. "What?" Koujaku asked with an indignant shrug. "Am I making...too much Noiz?"

"Aoba-san, I heard your voice so I came." Clear smiled gently at Aoba, who was speechless. Reaching out to touch his beloved Master's face, Clear smeared robot semen across Aoba's cheek. "See? I came."

"Hello, Junkshop Heibon, how may I help you?" Aoba was sick of answering the phone with the same line, time after time. He sighed heavily, expecting the caller to comment on his lovely voice, but instead was shocked to hear Noiz's voice. "Aoba," the man complained in a whiny tone. "I'm lost in the forest with no clothes - Don't ask - and the poison ivy is fucking with my dick piercings and all I want is a hotdog." Aoba blinked slowly. "I have a hot dog." Noiz sighed. "The food, you asshole, not Ren."

Noiz walks in on Aoba jacking it to the Free! ED and he slowly backs out of the room.

The sun is shining and it's a new day, a new start. Aoba hopes Haga-senpai will notice him today. He sleeps through his alarm and runs out the door, late to work with Granny screaming abuse at him. A piece of toast is in his mouth and he stumbles on the kerb and almost chokes on it. That'll teach him for eating while running. Cherry blossoms blowing in the wind, his hair whipping around majestically. "Aoba-kun, I have a confession." Haga-senpai's voice hits his ears and his ochinchin goes doki doki. They lock eyes and everything is beautiful until Haga-senpai says "I only hired you to get at your Granny's coochie."

Ren's cries are muffled by the gag, but Aoba's pretty sure he's saying something like "This is so fucked up." Ren's wrists are bound with leather and he has a collar and chain around his neck. Aoba pins doggie ears into his hair, the finishing touch, as Ren whimpers. Aoba cracks his knuckles. "And now...I'm gonna fuck that dog."

"Clear..." Aoba mumbled, grimacing from his pounding headache. "Will you sing me to sleep?" Clear stroked Aoba's hair and nodded. "Of course." Aoba wriggled his body into a more comfortable position, nuzzling against Clear, who began to sing. "I got an elephant cock and I know how to use it. I got the power and I'm gonna abuse it..." Aoba interrupted suddenly, "Is that one of Mink's raps?"

Aoba walks in on Mink jacking off into one of Aoba's socks and he slowly backs out of the room.

"Clear!" the paramedic yelled, preparing to resuscitate Granny. "Here I am!" Clear announced, dancing into the room and accidentally knocking over the first aid kit. His interference cost Granny her life. Aoba never spoke to him again.

Mizuki takes off his shirt one day to reveal his tattoos to the world. They are all memes. No exceptions.

Aoba and Mizuki doing a stereotypical cheerleader high-five pose, each wearing one glove because they are smooth criminals.