Disclaimer: FYI the title's from a song by Jason Derulo called Breathing. -JC

I Only Miss You When I'm Breathing

No light, no light in your bright blue eyes

I never knew daylight could be so violent

-Florence + the Machine, No Light, No Light

000

Remember that therapist, Sherlock? Apparently she thinks texting you will help me somehow, make this hurt just a little less. I really don't think it will make a difference- it's not like you'll ever text back. But it's a distraction, and sometimes I think distractions are the only things keeping me alive since…

Well.

Since it happened. Every time I look at alcohol all I can see is your face that night in Dartmour when you were drinking away your fear. You hated it- being scared and the flavor of the beer. Now it just tastes like poison going down my throat. And I won't jump, because I can't seem to rid myself of the hope that you're not really gone. Don't make me say it again.

Please, Sherlock.

-JW

o0o

It's been a week and for some reason I'm still waiting for a response. Does that make me crazy? Going mad seems a pretty likely possibility these days. Why did you do it, Sherlock? Why did you leave me like this? We both know you lied to me about being a fake. Just give me some answers, and I'll leave you alone for good this time. Alone in the cold ground, under your gravestone…

-JW

o0o

My shrink keeps trying to get me to continue the blog. And I'm trying, I really am. But every time I start something, get down a paragraph or so, I realize I'm not addressing it to my (dwindling) followers. I'm addressing it to you. So I'll delete it all and start over again. And again. I haven't post in over four months. But it's not all that surprising.

-JW

o0o

Lestrade brought me in to try and help with a case. I failed, of course. I started to call you because I knew this would be easy for you, even though the police are baffled. I dialed half your number.

Then I remembered that you weren't going to pick up.

-JW

o0o

Mycroft misses you. He doesn't look sad, but he's half of what he was. He tries to hide it, he really does, but I can tell he loved you.

Mrs. Hudson hasn't cried in a few weeks. She hasn't talked all that much, though, either.

Lestrade misses you. Molly misses you. I only miss you when I'm breathing.

-JW

o0o

It's been six months since you jumped. I'm feeling bored today. I tried shooting at that d*** smiley face that's still on the wall, like you did, but my hand was shaking too much.

Yes, I'm still living at Baker Street. Mrs. Hudson cut the rent in half. The funny thing is, besides the fact I'm staying in our flat instead of my old one, my life is basically the same as it was before I met you.

-JW

o0o

There's a man following me. I was taking a walk and he kept stalking me so I went into an alley to throw him off. At least, if he kills me, I'd be with you. Part of me hopes he doesn't though, for some reason. He's coming closer. He's pulling out his phone. It's too dark to see his face. My mobile just dinged.

God help me.

-JW

o0o

Hello, John.

It's me.

SH

000