GUYS I AM REALLY FUCKING SORRY. I intended to publish this within the next week or two of the last chapter but yeah, been real busy. In any case I hope this last chapter is to your satisfaction. I shall be seeing a few of you later but for those who have just come for this fic, Arrivederci my short lived friends.
Time slipped by agonizingly slowly as I tried to come to terms with the cataclysm that was Lelouch. Here were some things I knew for sure:
1. Lelouch was intelligent.
2. Lelouch was attractive.
3. Lelouch was secretive.
All these things came together to make me wonder how much attention Lelouch garnered. How many people contemplated Lelouch's past? Questioned what secrets he was hiding? Speculated what was under that turtle neck? I know I speculated. I speculated the most out of everyone. Now I knew. I knew it all. And I wasn't sure I wanted to know.
To be honest I was afraid. Afraid of Lelouch. Afraid of him hurting me. Afraid of being afraid.
Afraid of him leaving. That traitorous voice added.
For weeks I avoided Lelouch. I couldn't face him while still coming to grips with what he meant to me and why precisely he was in the institution. It was just too difficult.
Finally after 2 long weeks I steeled myself and sought him out. Of course he was in his room. He been spending a lot more time there lately. Lelouch looked more haggard than before -but I felt that was my fault, he had placed his heart in my hand and I was squeezing the life out of it- as he hunched over his desk, scribbling in his little black journal once more.
I approached him slowly, hesitantly. He did not raise his head.
"What are you writing?"
"My suicide note."
I really should have expected it. I mean, there was no denying that Lelouch was suicidal but still it was like a knife to the gut.
"I...I have to go," I stammered. I was so fucking stupid. I should have left it for longer I wasn't prepared to speak with Lelouch in his current state.
When I was down the hall and had calmed down I breathed a sigh of relief. Okay, Lelouch was suicidal. Big deal, I was murderous. I mean, it's not like I expected him to be sane, it was just I didn't expect him to be so...
The sound of breaking glass shattered my train of thought.
Lelouch.
I sprinted back to his room as fast as my legs could carry me.
Lelouch was down on his knees, surrounded by shards of glass, gripping a piece of it firmly in his palm. He'd broken two of the windows with the chair and both his arms were now bleeding steadily onto the floor, staining the clear debris around him.
"Oh fuck," I breathed.
"NURSE, SOMEONE, GET A FUCKING NURSE," I screamed, propping Lelouch up as he sagged to the ground, held up only by the strength of my arms.
"I'm sorry," Lelouch breathed, "I'm sorry" he repeated over and over till the nurse arrived.
I was pushed aside as Lelouch was carried away. Minutes later as I crouched on that floor it came to my attention that I was also bleeding. Little glass shards has broken the soft skin of my knees.
The nurse that had been waiting at the door for me helped me up and patched up my knees. Shortly after a one on one therapy session was arranged for me. I didn't say anything, too lost in my thoughts. After a fruitless 30 minutes of attempting to get me to open up I was lead back to my room by staff.
Another 15 minutes later I snuck back to Lelouch's room. The glass had been cleaned up, as well as the blood but that didn't matter to me. I was on a hunt.
I crept over to Lelouch's desk, softly opening the first desk drawer. There it was. Looking a tad too innocent. Lelouch's journal.
I snatched it, tucking it into the waistband of my pants and lifting my shirt over the journal, in case I bumped into anyone.
I began to let my guard down as I got closer and closer to the safety of my room. This was why I was greatly shocked when a voice from behind rang out across the previously abandoned hall.
"What are you doing?"
I turned stiffly, relived when I saw who it was. "It's just you Shirley."
"W-What are you doing?" she stammered, attempting to sound firm.
Even in a situation like this I was never one to pass up and opportunity to mess with someone. I slid over to her, casual as can be, taking up the space closest to her. Shirley automatically backed herself into the wall, unwilling to let any part of her body touch mine. I leisurely placed a hand beside her head, leaning inches from her face. "And what business of yours would that be?"
"Y-you always look so suspicious, I want to know what you're up to," she said, quickly averting her eyes when she saw the predatory gleam in mine.
"There's some things you'll need to learn Shirley dear, one is to stay away from my property and the other is to mind your own goddamn business," I replied, taking a lock of her hair and twisting it in my fingers.
She shrunk back into herself, quick to give up when the other party was stronger and more confident than her. Why even bother challenging me when she was just going to give in? How boring. Simple people are boring.
I let go of her hair, giving a lazy wave as I walked away from the quivering girl. "Bye bye Shirley, was nice talking to you."
Within the confines of my room I was eager to find out what the journal held. It was obviously special to Lelouch, considering the fact that he took it everywhere.
I flicked on my lights, settling down on the bed and flipping it open to the first page. It was blank. However almost every page after that was filled.
Day 1,
The psychologist told me to keep a diary. To look back and see how I was feeling, see what happened in my passing days. He thinks I'll be able to look back on 'the happy days' and feel maybe realize life's worth living. He doesn't realize I don't have happy days.
Day 2,
I want to die.
Day 3,
I want to die as much as yesterday.
Day 4,
I saw my brother today. I want to die more than I did yesterday and the day before.
Beyond that were mostly short entries. Almost every entry seemed to contain some variation of the word 'die.'
Day 35,
The psychologist looked at my diary. Apparently if I don't write longer entries about my actual day I'm never going to be checked out.
There was a series of short boring daily journal entries.
Day 40,
There's a new person in the psych ward. Normally I don't like new people but I like him. I feel inexplicably drawn to him. Something about him says 'dangerous' and I've always been attracted to things that hurt. Today death is as plausible as always.
Day 58,
We've gotten closer, me and Suzaku. A slow but comfortable closeness. I like to write around him. He gives me things to write about. In my days of monotony I never have things to write about. Sometimes he makes me not want to kill myself.
Day 65,
I hate him. I hate him. I hate him. I hate him. I hate him. I hate him. I hate him. I hate him. I hate him. I hate him. I hate him. I hate him. I hate him. I hate him. I hate him. I hate him. I hate him. I hate him. I hate him. I hate him. I hate him. I hate him. I hate him. I hate him. I hate him. I hate him. I hate him. I hate him. I hate him. I hate him. I hate him. I hate him. I hate him. I hate him. I hate him.
Day 66,
I love him. I love him. I love him. I love him. I love him. I love him. I love him. I love him. I love him. I love him. I love him. I love him. I love him. I love him. I love him. I love him. I love him. I love him. I love him. I love him. I love him. I love him. I love him. I love him. I love him. I love him. I love him. I love him. I love him. I love him. I love him. I love him. I love him. I love him. I love him.
Day 67,
I scared him. I scared him so much. He's seen. He knows. Suzaku's not stupid. He left me. He left because I want to die. Is it wrong wanting to die because of trying to die?
Day 81,
Today I intend to die. I've planned it well. I've planned it in different ways at different times but hanging myself from the rafters with my bed sheet seems preferable. Suzaku you're a shit head and I hope you feel guilt over me dying. Dear family, most of you can get fucked. To everyone else, thank you for existing. I'm sorry I couldn't survive.Lelouch had crossed out the whole first part, presumably the bit written after was following my departure.
I was so anxious and mad at you. For keeping your distance. This is my reply to you walking into my life again then walking straight back out again. A large part of me thought that...you'd come to say sorry, to take me back. But now I'd like to suffer a long and painful death. This suicide attempts dedicated to you Suzaku. Here's hoping it's the last one.
I felt sick to my stomach. I was the cause of it this time. I had to...fix it all somehow. But what was I to do? After this Lelouch would never forgive me. That is if Lelouch even survived.
Think Suzaku.
Think.
I know what to do!
An overwhelming sense of calm washed over me. Of course I knew what to do. Why hadn't I thought of it earlier? Lelouch loved me, I loved Lelouch. There was really no better solution. I had to see him. Everything would be alright. We could both have what we'd always wanted.
Hours later, when I had drifted off to sleep pondering how exactly to play out my plans a nurse woke me up and informed me that Lelouch was indeed going to survive. I requested to see him but the nurse gave a tentative answer of 'I'll have to get back to you on that one.' I soon fell back asleep, content with the knowledge Lelouch still existed.
Next day I woke up, got straight out of bed (still wearing the same clothes as yesterday), head to the nearest nurse and asked them if I could see Lelouch.
"Ahhhh...I'll have to ask my supervisor about that one," they said, pulling out a little book and flipping through it till they found the correct page. From where I was standing I could just see the 'Suzaku Kururugi, Highly Unstable.'
"For now Mr. Kururugi you have breakfast then group therapy and it's best not to miss either," they said, attempting to usher me onwards.
I walked away begrudgingly. If I was to get what I wanted I had to be a 'good' patient.
Come lunch time I was pulled aside and taken into another one on one therapy session. I was told, due to policy I was required to inform them of what had transpired before and after Lelouch's attempt on his life. So I was good. I told them my own version of what had happened. They walked away satisfied. I walked away with confirmation that in another 3 days I could see Lelouch.
The three days passed in a haze of lengthy boredom however I shot up of a morning on visiting day, a multitude of emotions flaring through me as I was promptly escorted to Lelouch's room, the staff intent to not let my schedule be interrupted for a simple visit.
This is a horrible idea. You're horrible. How could you do this to him? After everything?
We're both getting what we want here. We will both be content after this visit, I swear it.
I hate you.
I hate you too.
As we left the psych ward and entered the normal hospital I breathed in my short freedom. I may be accompanied by two guards but here I felt even freer than in the psych ward. Less armed doors and automatic locks. If I wore normal clothes, or a nurses I could slip out into the world at large. Alas that plan would be immediately dashed by my guards. Maybe another day.
We suddenly halted in front of a plain white door labelled 'room 5' shortly under this label was a sign saying '3 free beds'. One of the guards opened it and gestured for me to enter. Lelouch appeared to be sleeping. I rushed to him, ignoring the guard that attempted to stop me, and lightly took his non-injured hand in my own.
"Lelouch," I breathed. Seeing him, being able to touch him only made what I planned to do seem even righter.
I leaned down, kissing his forehead. Both guards began to look slightly uncomfortable. I turned to them, releasing Lelouch's hand. "Could we have a little privacy?"
"We're not allowed to-" one guard started but was swiftly pulled away by the other. I heard mumblings of 'matters of the heart' and other such things before the guards left me and Lelouch alone.
Once kissed, like a princess awakening from a long slumber Lelouch's eyes fluttered open and blearily fixed themselves on me. He groaned. Loudly.
"Worst way to start my day," he grumbled pessimistically.
"Best way to start mine," I replied with a smile.
Lelouch blatantly glared at me, not saying a word.
"Look, I know I was pretty horrible but Lelouch I just didn't know what to do. I mean, what was I to do?"
"You were supposed to stay and love me. Whatever my problems were," he said angrily.
"Life isn't a movie Lelouch, people aren't perfectly written characters," I retorted.
"In my opinion you're quite a poorly written character."
I took his hand again, hoping the physical closeness would soothe him. He stiffened before seeming to accept the small gesture. I began to stroke his face affectionately. Lelouch looked like he was torn between leaning into the touch and slapping my hand away.
"It'll be okay from now on Lelouch. I'll take all your pain away, you should have told me you wanted to die earlier," I placated.
"I...I..." Lelouch stuttered.
I leaned in, sliding the hand that was touching his face down to his neck. Lelouch closed his eyes.
Don't Suzaku.
My face was inches from his as I raised the other hand to rest on the other side of his neck. I started squeezing. "We can both get what we want this way Lelouch, you'll finally be able to die and I don't ever want to lose you, this way I don't have to. You can't leave me. You'll be in my head forever, just like my dad."
I squeezed hard, watching him writhe and struggle. Why would he struggle? Isn't this what Lelouch wanted?
Wouldn't be long now.
Lelouch's face changed colour and he grew lax, he had passed out but he wasn't dead yet. A few more minutes. Just a few more. I couldn't be interrupted now.
I got the minutes I had wished for and Lelouch stopped breathing. He was gone now. Tomorrow he'd only exist in my head.
"He makes a beautiful corpse."
Please leave me an angry review for ending it like this and thank you to my friend Voluptuous for pushing, prodding and passionately urging me start and finish this chapter. This chapter would have been delayed at least another 3 weeks if it had not been for your sensual voice urging me forwards.