The Joker awoke the next morning, yawning and stretching, and was surprised to find an empty bed greeting him. "Harley?" he called, looking around the room. It was empty.

"Harley?" he repeated, re-entering the room where they had rehearsed last night. The drums and the notecards for his speech were still there. But he realized with a sudden lurch that the tape from the recorder was gone.

"Oh God, please don't tell me she's gonna do something stupid like…" he began, reaching for the TV remote.

"…giving us an exclusive interview is Harley Quinn, here with us in the studio today," said Jack Ryder, sitting in a chair across from Harley. "Thank you for coming, Miss Quinn."

"No problemo, Creepo," said Harley, nodding. "Though I gotta say, I like you much better like this. You're a lot less grabby, and a lot more respectful of personal space."

Ryder stared at her. "I'm…sorry?" he gasped.

"Oh, sorry, I guess the world in general don't know about your secret identity," said Harley. "Well, don't you worry, Creepo, I certainly ain't gonna give it away. Your secret's safe with me," she added, smiling at him.

"Erm…yes…thank you, Miss Quinn," stammered Ryder. "But I'm sure the story everyone is most interested in is this relationship between Batman and the Joker…"

"Yeah, I know there's been a lotta avoidance of this story from all the parties involved," said Harley. "As a former shrink, I get where they're coming from with that. Any denial of the situation is just gonna seem like confirmation. But I think equally being silent on the issue just leaves room for other people to talk, and blow the issue outta proportion. I mean, say it's all true. So what? If two people love each other, no matter what gender, it ain't any business of ours. And it's not like Bats has gone any easier on Mr. J because he's in love with him. He still beats the crap outta him. I think we have to ask ourselves if this is actually worthy of being a news story. If any wrong has actually been done here. I mean, you guys can believe what you like – I can't change your opinions. Nothing people hold onto dearer than a knee-jerk reaction to a situation. It's hard for some people to make their brains work, y'know? They ain't used to exercising 'em. But the truth is Mr. J and Bats ain't lovers. They just ain't. Bats is seeing Catwoman at the moment, and Mr. J and me are madly in love. And we don't care what you or anyone else thinks of us. We're really happy together. I would have thought that was obvious with the whole clown thing, but I don't need you to believe me. All I need you to believe is this message from Mr. J."

Harley reached into her pocket. "No, no, no, don't you dare give him that tape, you little idiot!" hissed Joker. "Don't you dare…"

But Harley didn't pull out a tape. She pulled out a gun. "Mr. J says that if anyone mentions this whole him and Batman thing again, they're gonna get a bullet in their brain," she said, calmly. "And he means it too. He'll hunt down every single one of you so-called journalists, and kill you, slowly and horribly. The bullet in the brain only comes at the end, y'see, after the torture, when you beg him for it. See, Mr. J don't like being annoyed, and having to hear all this crap about him and Batman annoys him. And one of the first things you learn when you're in a relationship with Mr. J is not to irritate him. And Mr. J ain't going anywhere. So if you wanna continue to have a happy relationship with life, you better not irritate him. Ok?"

"Y…yes, Miss Quinn, that's pretty…crystal clear to me," stammered Ryder.

"Good. Be sure to pass it onto all your journo friends, and of course you viewers out there, do the same," said Harley, nodding at the camera. "I want this story gone by tonight, all right? Find something else to fill the headline void. Here's a good one: presidential candidate Lex Luthor kept a supply of Kryptonite in his private jet. Why would he need to defend himself against the all-American hero, Superman? Maybe he's got some anti-American tendencies or something. Anyway, I'd send your best people to look into that, and stop being a gossip rag for people's personal relationships. They ain't none of your business."

"Yes, Miss Quinn, we'll get right on that," stammered Ryder. "Coming up after the break, we'll try to get Mr. Luthor's statement on that, but for now…uh…we in the studio will be discussing…the weather, and if there's any chance of it changing by this afternoon. See you in five."

Joker turned off the TV, puzzled. He would have been angry with Harley for stealing his thunder like that, of course, but it had seemed to work, so he wasn't complaining. He just didn't understand why she had done it when they had already planned to do his whole routine together later that day.

He heard the front door open shortly after and Harley entered the room. "Oh…you're awake," she stammered.

"Yeah. And I saw your little performance on TV," he said, nodding at the screen. "Why did you do that?"

Harley shrugged. "I kinda thought…if you did a whole comedy routine about it, people wouldn't take you seriously. People might be confused about whether you were joking or not, the way they are about you and Batman. So I just decided to play it straight, and it worked, just like I thought it would."

"You…uh…stole the tape," he said. "I thought you were gonna…"

"Yeah," she interrupted. "Yeah, that's why I went over there initially. I was gonna play it live on TV, for all the world to hear. But then I…I thought about what you said, and…I realized I couldn't upset you like that, puddin'. Besides, those words…you said 'em just for me. To let other people hear 'em would…ruin 'em somehow. Make 'em seem less special. Our relationship is just between us, and that's how it should be. I don't want anyone else to know how much you care about me. It's enough that I know it."

"So…it's over," said Joker, slowly. "People ain't gonna think that way about me and Bats no more."

"I dunno what people are gonna think, puddin'," she replied. "And I don't care. But they ain't gonna talk about you and Bats no more with the threat of death hanging over them like that. Besides, I think the media's already found a new scandal to enjoy," she said, flipping on the TV where Lex Luthor was trying futily to explain how merely owning Kryptonite was not a direct attack on Superman. "That's the thing about the news – it's so fickle. Fads come and go. I imagine you and Bats will be as talked about as bird flu in a few weeks. You remember how much everyone talked about bird flu at the time? And who cares now? I'm not sure why we should have cared at the time – I mean, we ain't birds. I guess the Penguin might have had something to worry about, but aside from that…"

She was cut off suddenly as Joker seized her in his arms, shoving his mouth into hers. "Come to bed, my little minx," he growled. "Daddy is gonna rev you so hard for this!"

"Oh, Mr. J!" she gasped, as he pulled her into the bedroom and slammed her down on the bed.

…

"Y'know, that slash fiction stuff is still out there," murmured Joker, as he sat up in bed later, smoking.

"Mmm, if it's not in the mainstream press, I don't really care," whispered Harley, kissing him.

"Well, I do," retorted Joker. "I think I need to hunt down the sick bastards who write that stuff and put them outta their misery."

"I think they mostly use fake names online, so they can post anonymously, puddin'," replied Harley. "I think it would be pretty difficult to find them."

"Difficult, but not impossible," replied Joker.

Harley sighed. "Whatever makes you happy, puddin'," she purred, kissing him. She stood up. "I'm just gonna get a shower."

"Don't take too long, pooh," he said, standing up and throwing on a robe. "I'm gonna plan a caper for tonight that'll take the media attention off that glory-hog Luthor and back onto my sheer criminal and comic genius, rather than my supposed relationship with some freak in a bat costume."

"Can't wait, puddin'!" she said, skipping off to the bathroom.

Joker waited until she was out of sight, and then stood up on the bed, reaching for the video camera which had been hidden on the overhead light and taking out the tape inside. He pulled out a pen and wrote on the label In Case of Further Bat Rumors, and then shoved it safely into the bedside drawer.

"Well, you never know when you're gonna need a little insurance!" he said, smiling as he headed off to his study, whistling.

The End