Karkat hit the ground hard, landing badly on his shoulder and knocking the breath out of his alien lungs. He rolled a little on the grass, moaning- he was nauseous from the wonderful experience of spontaneous spatial displacement, or whatever Jade called it now. Damn, what a crazy human bark beast girl, especially after her getting possessed like that. What did she call it, grimbark? What even is that? What the fucking heck is it with this universal, omnipresent shitty wordplay fetish that everyone literally has and refuses to question?

The troll opened his eyes and realized that he was face-down in the dirt. Perfect, just grub-fondling, bulge-licking perfect. He let out a string of Alternian curses, and roughly pushed himself up with his hands. Once he got into a sitting position, he continued to brush dust out of his shirt while nonchalantly looking around. In his opinion, the whole 'random teleportation anywhere in space' trick was pretty old news, and everyone should really just get over it. The only thing left to do was to either strife it out with Jade, which meant certain death, or just deal with wherever you were and move on. No one had to necessarily be a mindless, grinning, flying, teleporting, bucktooth chump about it, but whatever.

As Karkat looked around, he began to wonder who's planet he was on. The place he landed in was a neatly trimmed lawn, surrounded by some small trees and an ordered maze of walkways. There were some outdoor lamps and wide, wooden plank chairs lining the walkways. The sky was black and starless, but he could see tall, lighted structures far off in the distance. Overall, he didn't immediately hate this planet too much- it sort of reminded him of a softer version of home. He could have preferred more small wild beasts to hunt and consume, though- one could only go so far on tiny, nasty, purple hummingbirds.

His stomach growled suddenly, making a sound that reminded Karkat uncomfortably of his lusus. Reflexively, he reached into his Sylladex, to retrieve something to eat- only to realize, after several minutes of fruitless 'patting', that his inventory was totally empty. In fact, his storage system had completely disappeared. All of his items were, in fact, scattered randomly around him.

"GOD FUCKING DAMMIT," Karkat said, before trying to pull all of his items into an ordered pile. He was thankful to still have his Claw Scythes and, surprisingly, a Chair. Then, he found a clear bottle of yellow liquid, labeled with an unusually exuberant apple caricature. Wait, what the hell? Is that… is that apple juice? How did you get apple juice? Where would you even find that?

Karkat stared at the Apple Juice thirstily, his fingers caressing the green, ridged cap. Supposedly, Dave gave it to him a while back, and he just took it. It was a gift between bros, no big deal. Bros give consumable gifts to each other all the time, he thought. (Unless that's not apple juice.) WhAT? WHAT ARE YOU EVEN TALKING ABOUT? WHY WOULD IT NOT BE APPLE JUICE? (It could be…) WHAT, WHAT THE FUCK COULD IT BE, JUST SAY IT ALREADY OR STEP THE FUCK OFF. WAIT…IS DAVE TRYING TO KILL ME? OH MY- HOLY SHIT, HE IS, ISN'T HE, THAT ROTTEN BASTARD. (Karkat, I think that may be human pee you're holding.)

Karkat dropped the bottle and jumped away from it, as if it burned him. After a few tense seconds, he picked it back up. The young troll actually was really thirsty, and he could not identify another source of hydration anywhere nearby. It was possible that Dave actually gave him apple juice and not pee, wasn't it? Bros don't give each other their biological waste products in refreshment containers, right? Unless that was a gross human thing.

Karkat's fingers lingered on the green cap. It wouldn't really hurt to just smell it, obviously. If it smelled good, he'd drink it. If not, he'd ditch it. It was a simple solution. Unless DaVE WANTED ME TO SMELL HIS PEE, WITH HIS DENTED, PERVERTED, TWISTED LITTLE COOL-KID THINK PAN. The troll stopped touching the lid, and began hyperventilating furiously.

Suddenly, a scream erupted from behind him. Turning around, Karkat saw a horn-less troll running away from a distressed human female.

"My purse!" she screamed, uselessly staring after the thief as he ran past the alien.

Karkat would have cared less about stopping an adult troll from doing anything, especially with whatever grand theft heist he or she thought he or she could get away with without being caught and brutally executed. However, he soon noticed that the thief actually was not a troll- just a human male wearing a stupid gray hood over his face. He also felt sorry for these poor Consorts- they were always obviously too peaceful to root out the morally devious in their ranks. It was probably because of Terezi's many monologues, but Karkat legitimately felt the need to help the human female.

Grabbing his Crab Scythes, he swiftly ran after the thief, catching up to him in three seconds. He tackled him headfirst, using his unusually nubby horns for their supposed use- surprise attacks to the back. It worked. The thief grunted loudly, and tumbled heavily onto the pavement, dropping a small purse.

Karkat took a strife stance, and prepared to finish the scum off if necessary.

Meanwhile, the thief got up to his feet, and began cursing at his attacker. "You're gonna regret that you little-" the man started, before losing track of his thought. "Wait, hold up, you're not Spider Man. What even the fuck are you supposed to be?" The man's mouth curled into a grin. "Cat-boy? An X-men reject?"

Karkat did not know how to respond to that, so he crouched into a leaping stance, lowered his weapons in preparation, and let out a deep growl. "Give. Back. The. Bag," he intoned, using his sternest voice- and wondering since when did Consorts get so adept at talking. Also, when did Consorts turn out human?

The thief backed off, the airs on the back of his neck standing up. He never felt so much pent-up rage in anyone before, especially not from a mutant runt. Mentally, he berated himself, laughing. "What, are you gonna make me? I oughtta cut you for wasting my time, kid. But I tell you what- run back home to mommy, right now, and I'll forget you were even here." Lazily, he pulled out a pocket knife and waved it around.

This was enough for the troll. Quickly, he leaped to the right of the man and swung his scythes upward- slashing the man vertically through his coat and the bottom of his mask. His chin was nicked, and it bled a little down his neck. Stunned, the man swung wildly out with his knife- only to miss as Karkat ducked and shoved into his stomach. Once again, the man fell- this time onto his back. He dropped his knife on impact, which Karkat violently kicked away. The alien then kneeled on the man's chest, holding his scythes to his exposed, lightly bloody neck. Karkat stared into the man's eyes, suddenly frozen with indecision. Now what? Terezi would have killed him by now, but Karkat wasn't going to slit a guy's throat for taking a little bag. Why the hell did he even do this anyway, the human woman should have stopped him herself. Now Karkat was stuck bullying this poor sack of shame and tears and-oh wow, was he crying?

"Hope I'm not interrupting-" The troll's head snapped up at the sound of this new, surprisingly annoying voice. Suddenly, his elbows were hit with something that stuck hard and yanked him off his victim. The troll was rapidly slung around a tall lamp post, so that he ended up hanging down from it- and wrapped up in a web-like material. Karkat immediately began remembering the giant spiders native to Alternia, and began screeching, cursing, and flailing in horror for a good minute.

"-Well, actually, I was hoping, because you looked like you were about to fillet Joe the plumber over there," Spiderman remarked casually to Karkat, who was not listening at all. Spiderman sat on top of the lamppost, just relaxing right after 'subduing' the crying, bleeding thief to a tree. He also had returned the purse, because Spiderman needed some positive publicity. Sighing, he swung down next to the alien.

"Hey, little guy, you can calm down now. Big breathes, you're okay," he cooed to the strange, grey, horned boy.

Karkat stopped flailing, and stared at him. "Who-What-."

"Everything's fine, you're not in danger," Spiderman stated slowly. "So what happened to you? I'm thinking that maybe, you got lost on the way back to your spaceship, and then you got all scared and confused? Maybe you're a little junior crime fighter on your planet?" he paused. "Hablas ingles? Are you a mutant or something? Like do you have actual powers, or do you just turn grey and grow those orange Snausages on your head? Haha, like a wonky version of the Hulk."

Karkat's eye twitched at the sound of 'mutant', but otherwise, he said nothing.

"Bluh. You don't understand a word I'm saying, do you little guy?" The spider-themed hero scratched his chin. "Hmm. What do, what do… I guess I could take you to S.H.I.E.L.D., where they might know more about alien stuff than me. But then again, they might not know you, and they might dissect you. The Avengers probably don't need another member yet, not that you wouldn't make an outstanding sidekick. And, they might also maybe dissect you, I think. The Fantastic Four…" He continued to ramble off names under his breathe.

The troll, meanwhile, continued to glare at Spiderman. Just as another annoying human boy left his life, another entered. This one, though, this one would not stop talking, and apparently had the ability to shoot webs out of his hands and be a spider. Not another chump bucket, not another smarmy little bucket stain, pee-filled bottle, and cull-bait on the universe's record of existence.

Abruptly, Karkat stopped thinking. He could feel something rising in him, something familiar; something he never thought he would feel again. From the depths of his Trollian heart-like organ, he felt his one gift to his universe rise up once more. It was a dark, burning feeling, that could only be described as an evil fire that burned only soul-destroying-ly hot. Black romance, hate at first sight. It was his gift to Egbert, who blew it out as dismissively as a fart canceling a forest fire. But now it was his to give again. (Somewhere, a music montage of everything in this chapter occurred, to the sweet sound of How do I Live Without You, ending in a close-up and slow zoom-out of Karkat's eyes containing spade-shaped pupils.)

Spiderman finally stopped talking and waved a hand in front of Karkat's face. "Hey, little guy? Are you okay?" he asked, genuinely concerned that he traumatized the poor thing.

Karkat muttered something.

"Uh, what? Sorry, you're gonna have to speak louder, dude."

He muttered again.

"Oh, hey, you can talk? Cool! This'll definitely make my job approximately 20% easier, give or take-"

"I SAID GET ME THE FUCK DOWN, YOU STUPID RAMBLING NOOK SUCKING IDIOT. I CAN'T FEEL MY STUPID SHIT LEGS, BECAUSE YOUr ROTTING, PUTRID, HIDEOUSLY MOIST THINK PAN THOUGHT IT WAS A GOOD IDEA TO MASTURBATE TO THE SOUND OF YOUR OWN SHITTY ASS VOICE THAN TO LET ME GO, YOU STUPID FUCKING ASSHOLE ARACHNA-DUMBASS. YOU KNOW WHAT? NO. JUST. NO. JUST PUT ME THE FUCK DOWN."

Hi, this is my second fanfiction ever, but my first time on . Sorry if this chapter was too wordy or ooc, I usually try to remain as in-character as possible. This means that there isn't going to be straightup shipping and pairing in here. I guess if you're a slash shipper, you can read this as 'Karkat is thirsty for Dave's piss, and then gets tied up'? If not, I'm sorry you had to read that, ahaha.