Author's note: Hey there, hope you had a great weekend :)

I don't have much to say at this moment, so I'll just leave you to it, enjoy.

Love, Milly

TWENTY

haven
/ˈheɪv(ə)n/
noun
1) a place of safety or refuge
2) an inlet providing shelter for ships or boats; a harbour or small port.
synonyms
1) harbour
2) port
3) sanctuary

Excerpt from 'Designation'

"Marty, you said yourself – this is what we do and this is what we know." she started, softly smiling at him. "If I'm gonna be not-scared I need to keep going to work, keep catching bad guys. I need to keep working by your side, having your back. I can only do this with you. And if I'm here and you're in the field, whether you're with Callen and Sam or Granger or alone, I'm not gonna be not-scared. I'm gonna be freaked out and frightened to hell because I will know that you are out there, in the field, trying not to get your ass kicked by some bad guy and I will be out of my mind because I won't be there to have your back. So if we want for me to be okay with this and to not be scared, then I need to work. I need to be distracted and I need to be with you."

"Kens?" he grinned at her, taking both her hands, his finger entangling with hers.

"What?" she asked, confused by the look on his face.

"I just-" he grinned and pressed his lips together. "Rachel" he smiled and looked into her eyes. "The name is 'Rachel'"

She smiled, slowly nodding as if she was agreeing to the name. She didn't reply to his suggestion, she simply placed a soft and slow kiss on his lips, her eyes smiling brightly as she looked at him.

October 28th - 1 day before the crash - 4 years ago

He sighed when he finally found her. She was standing on the balcony, looking at the open sea, almost staring at the surprisingly high waves.

"There you are" he said as he made his way through the bedroom to the balcony. "We're gonna be late" he said, gently placing a kiss on her forehead.

"I don't like these kind of appointments." she started, now finally looking at her fiance. "That's how we found out last time that the baby-" she stopped, her eyes focused on his lips. Her hands trembling.

"I know" he said, softly placing his fingers under her chin, forcing her to look into his eyes. "This time it's different. I know it."

She just nodded, now looking away once again.

It took a few minutes for Kensi to finally start moving back inside the house.

"I'll just get changed real quick" she uttered, quickly moving into the bathroom and closing the door behind her.

She couldn't bare looking at the screen. Deeks however seemed mesmerized.

"Your baby seems very good, Miss Blye." the doctor stopped the ultrasound. "There is one thing though, I'd like to discuss with you" he said, gently smiling.

"What is it?" Kensi's voice broke at the end, scared of what he was about to say.

"Nothing to worry about. But you are pregnant, Miss Blye, not sick." he started, and a quick smile escaped his lips as he saw the very confused look on Kensi's face. "What I am trying to say is this: We will do check-ups and we will take care of you and this very healthy little baby of yours, but not every two days. You need to keep doing what you did before you found out you were pregnant. I understand that it was a huge disappointment the last time you two were expecting and I do understand your concerns. The thing is, that concern of yours doesn't do your baby any good. You can not allow yourself to think all those negative thoughts. This baby is your present and your future and for its health and wellbeing you should try to relax a little bit more and come to your check-ups regularly. I understand it's easier said than done, but I need you to try." he finished, now looking at both of them.

Kensi sighed. She simply didn't know what to say. Of course the doctor was right, still it seemed impossible not to worry. It was impossible. "I'll try" she uttered, forcing a smile upon her lips.

Once back home he was unsure how to act or what to say. The doctor had said what Deeks had been thinking the last two days. Yes, he was worried as well. Hell, he was horrified. But he knew that letting Kensi know how he felt wouldn't help either one of them.

"Hungry?" he asked, motioning at the kitchen. "I could try and cook us something?" he smiled, a shy and crooked smile.

"Thanks" she shook her head, gently smiling back at him. "I'm not hungry just yet" she finished, moving through the living room to the sliding back door, which lead directly to the beach. "I'm just gonna-" she started, sliding the door open. "I need some time to think" she finished. "And I'll take Monty" she added, as she saw the concerned look on his face.

"Alright" he uttered, nodding and watching as she left the house, Monty happily trotting by her side.

He didn't know how long he had been standing there, between kitchen and living room, staring at the glass door. For some reason he hadn't been able to move. Now his legs started walking toward the stairs. Once upstairs he made his way to the closed white door at the end of the hallway. Gently, he pushed it open, revealing a very bright room, with white coloured walls and one soft-green coloured one. He closed the door behind him, walking toward the white crib with the ocean-blue covers and the tiny but very soft teddy-bear in it. His fingers touched the white coloured wood, his hands trembling.

It was a familiar bark which interrupted his little meltdown, making him realize the few tears running down his cheeks. He looked out the big windows, which made the room as bright as it was and looked down at the beach. Looked down at a very emotionally confused Kensi sitting in the sand and a older but still very energetic Monty running in and out of the water, barking at the waves that caught him.

He sighed, turning away from the window, walking out of the room and closing the white door, hoping for it to be opened up again in less than nine months - unlike last time.

"Maybe we're not supposed to be happy. Maybe gratitude has nothing to do with joy. Maybe being grateful means recognizing what you have for what it is. Appreciating small victories. Admiring the struggle it takes simply to be human. Maybe we're thankful for the familiar things we know. And maybe we're thankful for the things we'll never know. At the end of the day, the fact that we have the courage to still be standing is reason enough to celebrate."

- Meredith Grey