Author's note: I believe I saw one AxI (Eng) story on the first page archive, it was enough motivation to finally publish this. (Rather than the more logical one of simply updating PUF or one of my other 8 unfinished stories instead) 0_0

Unbeta'd so mistakes are mine- though I tried to be thorough. Feedback always appreciated.

Disclaimer: I don't own Hellsing

III

In this chapter:

Rating: K+, I think...

Warnings: Mention of torture, but it's crack nothing dark, creepy or gory.

IIII

Sera's shocking surprise

"Master!"

Alucard waited patiently as the Police Girl stormed into his chambers, her face pinched in anger.

"There's a man in my coffin!"

"Finally," Alucard drawled. "Should I take out the good Bourbon?"

Seras was not pleased, "he is gagged, bound and unconscious!" she exclaimed.

"So you're into S&M..." he said with a shrug, "Far be it for me to judge you."

"Master!" Seras cried stomping her foot. "I didn't put him there!"

"Well lucky for you then... Christmas came early."

Seriously he didn't get what all this hubbub was about.

The young draculina heaved an exasperated sigh, "Master, why is there a man in my coffin?" she asked. "Who is he?" she added, crossing her arms over her chest.

Alucard rolled his eyes as he stretched back into his chair. Seras and her code of morals could be such a kill joy. "His name is George," he began as he crossed one foot over the other. "And he is in your coffin because that's the last place, Integra would think to look."

The Police Girl frowned, pondering his words before her eyes widened comically. "That isn't... no, Master you didn't!" she cried in horror.

Alucard grinned, swirling the blood in his goblet, feeling pleased with himself. He'd removed this troublesome factor in his Master's life. Eventually Integra would thank him for this unselfish act.

"Master, this is kidnapping!"

"The man is hardly a child, Police Girl..." Alucard said dryly. "Besides we are simply adopting him into our little family. How do you feel about having an older brother?"

"This is lunacy, Master!" Seras exclaimed, looking petrified. "I thought Sir Integra forbade you from killing him?"

Alucard pursed his lips. Trust the Police Girl to remind him of that little titbit. Stretching out his hand, he picked up the goblet containing his late dinner. The No Life King took a slow and deliberate sip from his goblet, savouring the taste in his mouth before he turned back his attention to his melodramatic fledgling. "Surely, you know better than most Police Girl," he began casually. "That there are a thousand ways to torture a man without actually killing him."

He let the words sink in, watched with amusement as Seras seemed to realise his intentions.

Her eyes widened into twin saucers as her jaw seemed to drop to the floor. "Master you wouldn't..."

"But I would and I have," Alucard stated as he stood up. "Our guest is awake."

"This is going to end badly," Seras moaned as she shuffled behind him, eyes downcast.

Alucard grinned, shoving his hands into his pockets, "That's what I'm hoping for."

"Sir Integra will not be pleased, Master," his fledgling continued, "She might even have you bound again!"

"True," Alucard agreed, "But seeing as no one is stupid enough to tell her I think my master won't have any reason to be displeased."

He could practically hear the Police Girl gulp behind him. He so hated threatening the poor thing, but he couldn't have Seras tell Integra. That would spoil his fun.

He walked up to the coffin and nudged it open with his foot. George Archfield blinked up at him, face ashen and consorted in confusion.

"Hello George," he greeted with a wide grin.

The man glanced between him and Seras, his eyes widening as he took in his surroundings. He shook his head from side to side trying to speak over the tape covering his mouth.

"Oh how rude of me, you can't talk," Alucard exclaimed as he bent down and ripped the tape from the other man's mouth. Pleased to see that hairs from that ridiculous moustache had gotten stuck on the tape.

"You!" George accused trying to struggle out of the ropes binding him.

"Yes, it is indeed I," Alucard said dramatically. "Have I introduced you to my fledgling?" he asked, mentioning towards Seras, who stood looking equally as frightened behind him. "Trust me, the fun we are going to have is simply to die for."