Most of this is stuff I posted to my tumblr but because I feel like it is my sole mission in life to make the world of Metalocalypse fanfiction rich and plentiful I've started up a collection here. I'll give summaries, etc, at the beginning of each chapter. They range in size from around 250 word drabbles to 3k ficlets that I feel can't stand on their own. Enjoy!

Bonding with Zoo Animals Tumblr request: "dethklok goes to the zoo." Genfic.

"Guys, we should totally goes to the zoo."

"Toki, we are not going to the fucking zoo."

It was their third huge American tour and they were relaxing in their bus's hot tub, all five of them, previously in silence until Toki sat straight up in the water, spraying his bandmates and exclaiming that they should totally go the zoo. Nathan dismissed this outright and Skwisgaar gave a short nod in agreement. Toki, undeterred, crossed his arm and continued to make his case.

"Aparts from de fact dat de zoo is awesome," Toki said, drawing the last word out, "it can totally be brutal, too."

"Go on," Pickles said, entertaining the notion and raising a single eyebrow. He tipped his glass to Toki like Gatsby at a party.

"They has animals that can kill you in a zoo! Rhinestoneoctapuses—"

Oh, ja, rindaknoxvilles." Skwisgaar again nodded, fingers moving up and down his half-submerged guitar and somehow producing no noise. "Totallies metals. Like unicorns that can kills you."

"Hey, I was talking," Toki whined, turning towards Skwisgaar and pouting. Skwisgaar shrugged.

"Yeah, okay, they have animals that can kill you," Nathan said. "But will there be, you know, guaranteed rhinoceros murder? Good song title. Somebody write that down."

"We are de richest men in de world," Toki said. He uncrossed his arms and relaxed, certain that he had won this argument or proposal, whatever it was. "I'm sure it can be ables to be arranged."

Between the city they had just played in and the city they were going to next was a zoo. It was not a particularly amazing zoo, rather mediocre as far as zoos went, pushed off from the highway and sprawling over a decent amount of land. Toki bounced with excitement for the entire ride there, jabbering on about his zoo plans and ignoring everybody else's requests to shut up. Their driver parked crooked over several parking spaces in the parking lot, hitting a few cars in the process. Charles got off the bus with them, still very much their babysitter and needing to make sure they didn't get lost or accidentally cause the apocalypse while looking at monkeys or manatees. They bypassed the queue and got into the zoo for free, recognized as Dethklok

At Nathan's insistence they went towards the aquatic life first, taking a bridge that went over a river populated by manatees. Pickles, tipsy and sipping from a bottle of hard liquor, laughed at them; Murderface almost pissed on one's head until Charles cleared his throat and reminded him that that was not appropriate behavior. Inside the aquarium Nathan peered into every individual tank, holding long and deep conversations with the fishes, while Pickles watched the same five-minute video on taking care of the ecosystem over and over ("This is important," he insisted each time Charles or Murderface tried to drag him away), Skwisgaar and Toki got into an argument over the pronunciation of flamingo, and Murderface watched the manatees through the large window towards the south end of the aquarium that opened up to the river, initially taunting them but forming a connection after a while, probably with root in their general similarities. Charles hovered around them all, pinching the bridge of his nose with gusto and murmuring under his breath.

The exit of the aquarium took them into the bird section, which was pretty lame until a hawk broke free and pecked somebody's eyes out, a marginally cool occurrence. They kept walking, beginning to sweat from the amount of people and sun beating down on them, until they hit some sort of Africa replication towards the back of the zoo. On grand display was a lion, a gorgeous and large beast with an impressive mane. Somebody stuck their arm in his cage and got it bitten off. Murderface broke into the lion's cage and befriended it, hugging it around the neck and petting it, asking Charles to make arrangements for this lion to become Murderface's pet. Charles pulled out his cell phone and got to doing that.

The rhinoceroses were not a disappointment. One gave birth while the four of them (Murderface and Charles preoccupied with the legal process of adopting a lion from the zoo) watched. Toki requested to name the newborn, christening it Stor, despite Skwisgaar claiming that dat ams de most unoriginal name I has ever heared.

They stopped off to watch the monkeys before riding the zoo's rollercoaster and carousel. Nobody except Toki admitted to enjoying the carousel more, though in truth they all had. Charles and Murderface rejoined them afterwards, Murderface's new pet lion on a plane back to Mordhaus and Charles looking worn out. It was getting late and they decided to watch the sunset from an observation tower towards the front of the zoo. Everybody except Toki was wheezing and panting by the time they reached the top of the tower, layering their arms on the railing and staring out at the sun descending on the zoo. Below them an escaped ape beat a soccer mom to death with part of the bars of his old cage.

"See, the zoo is fun," Toki said. He looked around at his bandmates and Charles, smiling and make eye contact with each of them.

"I guess so," Nathan grunted, jerking his head to get hair out of his eyes. He looked off to the side and moved his hand in a noncommittal manner.

"I liked it," Pickles said. He threw down the third bottle he had made his way through that night, hitting the ape in the head.

"It wasch great, Toki, I got a fucking lion," Murderface said.

"Ja," was Skwisgaar's contribution.

"Well, uh, guys, I'm glad you all had a good time at the, uh, zoo," Charles said. He fidgeted around behind them, sounding awkward and pained as he spoke. "But you have work to do, and we have to be getting back to the bus and the tour and the things that make you money."

"Fuck off, Charlie, we're enjoying the zoo." It didn't matter who said it (though the words came from Pickles's mouth); they were all thinking it.