A/N: I've been going through a rough writing slump recently and put a call to arms out on tumblr for some prompts/words to get the creative juices flowing again. This was what came from that. This fic was requested by an anon and the lovely laraaelric, who picked the word "Lygerastia". That word means "The condition of one who is only amorous when the lights are out." The title of this comes from a song by the always fantastic Sara Bareilles.

As always, this fic is for my darling Joey. You are my muse and you were the person who told me to just sit down and write whatever I was feeling. I would add up what you mean to me, but I cannot do the math and only have this to offer. I hope that you like it.

Only Shadows

Moonlight keep us steady
Give me one more night then I'm ready
To let go, to know we are only shadows.

It's not supposed to feel like this. It's not supposed to ache in her gut and burn in the corners of her eyes. It's not supposed to keep her awake at night, staring at the ceiling and fighting through her thoughts and the sleep that is nipping at her heels.

Love isn't supposed to be like this.

For someone that ached to be loved and loved with their entire body, Chloe never expected that she would find herself in a relationship like this. It was unhealthy. It made her feel so small sometimes. It made her ache, it made her cry, it made her want to run away. It filled her and left her empty at the same time. It kept her warm at night in her too small bed, but left her cold and alone in the morning when she woke up alone.

She couldn't stop loving her, even if it hurt. There was really no falling out of love with a girl like Aubrey Posen.

And so, she climbs into that bed and lets Aubrey touch her. She bites down on her lip to keep her moans from leaving her mouth and somehow it feels better that way. She'll let her fingers and tongue do what they must, but she can't return it. She can't let Aubrey know that she needsit. She can't see that smirk and feel the pressure as she curls her fingers and thrusts just a little harder. She can't make her proud of what a single glance can do to her. If she keeps it to herself, it keeps Aubrey down and maybe she should feel the same way that she does. It's been easier to hurt her lately. It's the only way she knows how to cope.

She's not enough. She's never been enough and she knows it.

It's been harder to stay silent in the dim of the room. They never make love with the lights on. She hasn't seen the sweat on Aubrey's face or the hint of muscles in her biceps as hands slide against skin. She's never seen Aubrey balance on one foot as she guides her panties over her feet, but she's imagined it and it makes her squirm. It makes her wet and impossibly turned on and somehow, it makes this just a little easier.

She's had to do a lot of imagining lately. What it would be like to see those breasts and to look into those eyes as Aubrey marks her and fucks her. How it would feel to be the person that Aubrey holds hands with in public and introduces as her 'girlfriend'. How her heart would feel if Aubrey wasn't dating that guy from her Ethics class, some guy named Todd who doesn't think before he kisses her and would never even imagine bringing her flowers.

He thinks that making out in the vacant lot outside of campus is romantic. He doesn't think about her lips or her hands or the way his heart it thumping against his ribcage when she laughs. He doesn't linger outside of the building when he drops Aubrey off at night. He doesn't call. He doesn't say 'I love you'.

She could love Aubrey better. She could be enough. She knows it and that just makes it worse.

She just wants to be loved. She wants to slide her hand into Aubrey's back pocket when they walk and to be the cause of the blush that rushes into her cheeks. She wants date nights and car rides and showers together. She wants to be the name on Aubrey's lips when she comes. She wants…she wants everything. She just wants love and that is what makes this whole thing so hard.

Aubrey doesn't love her. If she loved her, she would come out. She would ignore the racing heart beat and sweaty palms and tell her father the whole truth. She would announce it to their friends with a kiss that isn't hidden and it wouldn't matter if they accepted them or not. If they could still look at them if they knew that they were more than friends. That they could keep supporting them and loving them and singing with them like nothing had changed.

Aubrey would hold her hand and tell her how much she loved her. How beautiful she looked that evening as they crowded into a booth with the Bellas at their favorite café and discussed setlists and spring break. She would order for Aubrey and smirk when she would blush and look away. They would share a piece of pie and hold hands under the table, lost in their own little world. And nothing else would matter but the two of them.

She gets nothing instead.

She gets fingers thrust in between her legs and a thumb nudged against a swollen bundle of nerves. Lips covering her own as she slips over the edge and into an orgasm that would just feel so much better if Aubrey actually cared. If there was love behind it. If Aubrey could just look at her and kiss her and love her. And when she comes and Aubrey rolls off of her body, she has to bite back the tears that desperately want to slip from her eyes.

She should be stronger than weeping under the dim light from the soccer field outside. The tears shouldn't be rolling down her face when Aubrey wordlessly hands her some Kleenex and leaves the room with shower tote in hand. She shouldn't feel like disappearing would be better than being in this bed when she returns. Like dying would be nicer than seeing Aubrey's face in the morning and avoiding her gaze as she slides off her pajamas and pulls her bathrobe on. Pretending that Aubrey's eyes don't linger on her breasts and at the apex of her thighs as warm flannel covers skin and protects her from the cold and the goose bumps that threaten to give her away.

She keeps it inside. She writes it down in notebooks and whispers it into her pillow at night. She closes her eyes and imagines Aubrey saying it when she touches herself when she's out of their room and at class.

It was stupid to fall for a friend and even worse that it was her roommate. She was always there. She was always hurting her. It never gets better, it never changes. She doesn't say it, but that doesn't mean that it's not there. You can't forget being in love.

And one day, as she comes down from her high and Aubrey slides out from between her legs she can't stop herself from saying it. She can see her face through moonlight spilling in through the window and as Aubrey wipes off her mouth and touches herself briefly, she can't hold it in any longer. Those words just slide from her lips and into the air and linger there like a cloud of breath on a cold day. And she wants to take them back, especially when Aubrey winces and freezes in the dark, but they're there and they're real and she can't make them disappear.

"I love you."

Aubrey turns the lights on. She doesn't hide her bare body or reach for her dress or the blanket that is next to her on her bed. She stands there, her body slick with sweat under the glaring lights and shakes her head. Her eyes linger on legs and abs and breasts, but never reach Chloe's eyes. She can't look at that girl and see the tears and feel the pain that she's bringing to her.

She can't admit the truth, not to herself or to the girl that for some reason loves her. She wishes to run, but she has nowhere to go. She has no friends and Todd doesn't love her enough to make her feel at home. She brought this on herself and she deserves what's to come. This is what you get for falling for the one person that would never leave.

This is what she gets for breaking the hardest of hearts.

"I'm not gay", she whispers to the wall behind Chloe's head and to the sheets underneath her body and to the invisible presence of her father and everyone else that could possibly push her away. He's always there. It doesn't matter that he's five hours away in North Carolina and hasn't talked to her in a month. He would hate her if she was gay. It would break his heart to have an abomination as a daughter. He's a good Christian, a trusted leader in the community, and a backer for the Republican senator in their state. He can't be the father of a lesbian either. Those things just don't fit. It would kill him. It would break her heart.

"Aubrey…" Chloe trails off, the hint of tears palpable in her throat and in the words that she chokes out and trips over. "Please don't pretend that we're-"

"-We're nothing Chloe! This…", she trails off and motions between their bare bodies, "this is nothing. You're nothing to me. I have Todd and you're…I don't feel the same way that you do."

She looks down at her feet and crosses her arms over her bare breasts, shivering a little in the cold room. It's late fall. The leaves are falling from the trees and Chloe brings her pumpkin lattes some afternoons after class. They're going to a fall festival next weekend and picking out a pumpkin to carve. But as Chloe starts to cry, she can't imagine a jagged smile glowing back at her when she's trying to study. She can't think of hearing Chloe's soft snores when she drifts off to sleep with her head in her homework. She can't picture herself crossing the room and placing a blanket over her body and tucking her in.

It's all over now and she's all to blame. She's not strong enough for this. She has nowhere to run and she can't stay. Her feet are rooted to the hardwood floors and she can't stop looking at that body. She can't tear her eyes away from her arms and those fingers that drive her crazy. She can't stop thinking of just where her lips and tongue were lingering before everything fell apart. She can still taste Chloe on her lips and she longs to wash it away, but it's familiar and she knows that it's the last time she will ever have it on her tongue. There's no going back from the words that she said.

There's no forgiveness for a person like her.

"What was I to you then?" Chloe whispers between the tears that are shaking her whole body. She's sitting up in bed now, pulling the blankets around her body and wiping off her damp cheeks. She hates falling apart in front of Aubrey, but what other choice does she have? "Was I just someone that you fucked whenever it was convenient? Someone that you cared for when the lights were out? It's not gay if you can't see me, right?"

Aubrey doesn't know what to say. She knows that Chloe has her number, she always had. They've been close since freshman year when they met at Bellas try-outs. Chloe was so sweet and talked her down from the edge and they were friends ever since. Roommates was the natural next move and when Chloe kissed her one night with the taste of tequila on her lips, lovers wasn't too far behind.

She wants to love her back. She wants to lie down next to her and kiss those lips and apologize for everything. She wants to be brave enough to say the words that they already know. That Todd is just a cover-up and that she feels nothing for him. That she wants Chloe all the time. That she wants to make love to her in the afternoons and take her home to her parents and scream from the rooftops that someone loves her despite all of her short comings. She never thought that anyone would love her and now that it's staring back at her, she can't accept it.

She doesn't deserve this. She's not built for this kind of thing.

"I'm not gay, Chlo", Aubrey mumbles while pulling her bra back on and looking around for her panties. "We're friends that take care of each other. Don't mistake that for love. You don't love me."

She's found her underwear now and Chloe watches with flush cheeks as she lifts one leg up and balances on the other as she slides them on. It doesn't make her squirm or shift as the wetness makes itself glaringly known between her legs. She's tempted to touch herself to double check this fact, but it feels cheap after everything that has happened between them. She feels nothing now, only sympathy for the girl that is hopelessly lying to herself.

She wants to hate her and tell her to leave. She wants to slam the door behind her and sleep the pain in her chest away until the morning when she packs her bags and moves out. She wants to delete her number from her phone and ignore the texts and the calls until she eventually becomes just a memory in Aubrey Posen's mind during nights when the porn isn't enough to satisfy her. She wants to be just a bitter name that slips from her lips when she comes, clenching hard around her fingers and panting alone with no one there to take them into their mouth and lick the essence away.

She wants her to bleed as she stands in front of her and moves her underwear into place. She wants tears. She wants fighting and terrible words that they can't take back. She wants a clean break. She wants to move on.

She wants to stop loving her. But love isn't so simple and as Aubrey brushes her hair off of her face and looks for the dress she was wearing when she walked into the room and flipped the light switch off, Chloe can't hurt her. She can't say the words that she knows will cut through her chest and break her heart into pieces. She can't be like Aubrey's father. She's all that she has and somehow through the guilt and the anxiety and the pain of everything that has happened between them, she finds it in herself to empathize with her.

How could she hurt someone that was broken beyond repair?

"I love you, Aubrey." Her voice is firm as she wraps the blanket around herself and stands up, placing a hand on Aubrey's shaking forearm and guiding her down so they can be equals. "I'd love you even if you didn't love me back. I'd love you even if you never came out. You can't make that go away."

"Chloe, I'm not-"

"-I know", Chloe cuts her off while placing a finger over her lips and silencing the protests that Aubrey is biting back. "It's okay. It doesn't matter to me."

She looks down at her lap and fidgets a little with the blanket that is covering up her embarrassment and the scent of something that should never have happened. Aubrey is too weak to be in love with her. And she…she's not nearly as strong as she lets on. If she was strong, she wouldn't be decent right now. She would close her heart off and forget about the girl that drives her crazy.

She can't forget though and as Aubrey slides her hand over to brush against her fingers, she can't stop the way that her heart beats a little stronger. She can't help the hitch in her breath and the way that her pupils dilate hopelessly. She can't let go.

She just wants to be loved. What could possibly be wrong with that?

It's everything and nothing at all.

"We should get some rest", Chloe whispers while moving her hand away and sliding back on the bed to lean against her wall. Her pillows are still scattered on the bed, resting in the places that Aubrey had put them to make achieving her orgasm just a little easier. She takes the one that was placed under the small of her back and flips it over before placing it on top of the one that was under her head. Aubrey nods as she lies back and shuffles over to the light switch again, placing her fingers onto it and looking down at the floor as she bites her lip.

"On or off?" She asks while Chloe turns onto her side and blinks back the tears that are filling her eyes again.

"Off", Chloe whispers while pulling the blanket over the side of her face and sniffling into the hand that she presses over her mouth to keep the sobs inside her chest. "Good night, Bree."

The light goes off. There are only shadows to keep her company and she can hear the bed springs adjust as Aubrey sinks onto her bed and covers herself with her favorite blanket. Moments later the quiet thump of Aubrey's bra hitting the floor meets her ears and she bites down on her finger as she tries her hardest not to give in.

She's asleep within minutes and if Chloe closes her eyes and wishes hard enough, it's just like old times. Aubrey's snores are tiny and adorable as they waft through the air and slide into her ears. She sleeps with one arm cradled under her pillow and the other resting protectively under her chest. Her hair splays across the pillow and if she's having a good dream, a tiny smile sometimes appears on her lips. And it's like nothing has changed at all.

Chloe knows that the next time that Aubrey is horny and desperate for love, she won't fight her as she guides her back onto the bed and pulls at her clothing. She won't push those fingers away as they slide between her legs and touch the parts of her that are desperate for attention. That she won't stop herself from biting down on Aubrey's shoulder when she comes and laughing as the orgasm races through her veins and fills her with pleasure.

She knows that she'll flip Aubrey over and return the favor. That she'll bite down on the places that Todd and everyone else cannot see and be the person that sees Aubrey's walls fall down. The little smirk when fingers slide against slick skin and start to set the pace that drives her insane. The way her eyebrows arch as her orgasm nears. The warm breath on a cheek as Aubrey tries her hardest not to kiss her as she comes down from the high.

Nothing will ever change. She's too in love for that and she knows that it's unhealthy, but her heart can't take it. She'll bear the misery and the shame and the red cheeks if it means keeping that girl around. The other options are just too difficult to imagine. She's not ready to let go. The sex means nothing, but if she wishes hard enough and squeezes her eyes shut, sometimes it feels like love.

It's all she ever wanted. It's all she ever needed. She just wants to be loved.

And in the darkened room, the words come easily when there's no audience to hear them.

"I love you."