Disclaimer: I don't own Castle, much to my dismay.

This is my first ever fan-fic, so tell me what you think and let me know if I'm missing anything. Thank you!

She's quiet as she sobs. And whatever sounds she does make is drown out by the noise of the shower pelting her wet skin. She sat on the shower floor; her knees tucked under her chin and released the tears she struggled to hold in all day. What if she'd lost him? It would be her fault. She couldn't imagine another day without him, the guilt she would carry would end up being unbearable. She didn't know what she would do. Thankfully, that wasn't the case but it didn't stop the tears. Over and over again she reminded herself he was alive, a little bruised, but alive. It didn't help. Nor did it help that his mother said nothing. Martha didn't accuse her, she didn't shun her, she merely held her hand and cried with her. Alexis on the other hand, well, she obviously blamed her. She refused eye contact and said and did very little other than cry. But she had every right to. Kate wondered if Alexis was doing the same thing. She was a strong girl, but was she strong enough to forgive Kate for this? Kate seriously doubted it. Even she wouldn't have forgiven herself. And the sobs continued. They had no leads. They had no clue where the shooter was, let alone who. All she'd thought about throughout the entire day was what kind of theories he would be coming up with. At the thought a small smile grazed her lips. He always could make her smile, always, even when he wasn't even there. How she wished she could be there, be with him, but he wasn't even awake yet and she wanted to find answers to greet him with when he did wake up. Because he would wake up. He had to. She thought more and more. The scene replayed over and over again in her mind. Why did he have to jump in front of her? He has a family. Sure she has her dad but more people stand to lose from his death than hers. Then she remembered what he said as the life drained out of his crystal blue eyes and the sobs grew harder.

There was a light, or maybe a reflection, coming from behind one of the tombstones. He didn't see a person but something was definitely there. Then it hit him. It was a sniper. He looked at Kate as she carried on with her speech, completely unaware, and he couldn't just stand there. A small red dot appeared on her chest and before he knew it he was on top of her, pain rippling throughout his entire body. Kate, at first was confused, then mad, but that disappeared in a second when she realized what had happened. She slid out from underneath him and carefully turned him so that he was looking at her. The pain was evident on his face.

"Rick! Rick, please don't leave me" she pleaded. "Please, God, please. Rick don't leave me."

And it was with his last ounce of strength he whispered to her, "I love you, Kate". Then his eyes closed. She called his name over and over again. Holding his hand she squeezed but he didn't squeeze back. He was still breathing, but blood began to fall from the corner of his mouth. Tears poured down her face and the paramedics had to literally rip her away.

The hospital was all a blur. She remembered very little before she learned he was alright other than Martha holding her hand as she cried Alexis's apparent disdain, and when Josh came out and told her he was going to be fine. He'd tried to hug her but she had pushed him away. A look of confusion, hurt, and anger crossed across his face but before she had to explain anything, she excused herself to go to the bathroom. In the solitude of her stall she threw up everything in her stomach, and continued to dry heave for what felt like hours. Lanie came into check on her and found her with her head practically in the toilet. She said nothing but rubbed small circles on her back. Eventually she stopped and rinsed her mouth out. Not wanting to join the others yet she lagged back in the bathroom while Lanie exited. Her face was tear stained as well. Kate paced in the bathroom a little while longer, trying to control her breathing with little success. Finally she managed to get a hold of herself and joined the others.

It was deathly silent in the waiting area. All the faces where sullen.

Ryan pulled her aside and whispered, "Doc came out again. Said Castle has a shattered rib and the bullet punctured the lung. He got real lucky Kate, but the doctor said he's gonna be in a medical induced coma for a day or two to let the healing process start. He is alive though." The wind rushed out of Kate while relief flushed over her. Alive. Alive. Alive, was all she could think, that and those piercing blue eyes while he whispered "I love you".

What was he thinking? Kate racked her brain of all the other things he could have said with that breath. "Tell Alexis I love her" or "Tell my family I love them", he could have said anything to them, but he chose to tell Kate he loved her. Pain stabbed her heart. She didn't say it back. Her heart screamed it no matter how much she pushed it down in her mind, but sitting in the shower, crying over him, she could at least admit it to herself. She loved him. So much it hurt. She didn't care about Josh. She only wanted Rick. But that would have to wait until another day because then all she wanted to do was sleep.

Kate stepped out of her shower into a steam filled bathroom. She threw her hair up into a bun and threw on her NYPD sweatshirt and leggings. Heat Wave was sitting on her bedside table, as she was re-reading it for the hundredth time, but Castle didn't need to know that. Then again, she thought to herself as she slid under the covers, maybe he should. Maybe she should tell him how much his writings meant to her. He was alive, so one day she could. She curled up into a ball and held Heat Wave to her chest, silent tears running down her cheeks. Her eyes finally closed but before she could be pulled into sleep there was a loud, hard knocking on the door. Kate climbed out of bed and opened the door. She didn't bother looking through the peep-hole because she had a pretty good idea of two people it would be. Josh flew through the door without Kate even inviting him in.

"What the hell Kate?" He turned to look at her, fire burning in his eyes.

"Excuse me?" she spit back at him.

"What do you mean excuse me? You almost died! You were shot at and then after I saved the life of the man that saved yours, you pushed me away. He's going to get you killed Kate."

All the anger Kate had felt in the last few days began bubbling over. She felt like she was on fire. She hated the world so much in that very second, but then she thought of those blue eyes that were always filled with hope and it melted away.

"The last time I checked he saved me from being killed. How does me being shot at seem at all like his fault? If it weren't for him I'd be dead right now. It would have been me in that ambulance, bleeding out onto that operating table. If anything, I'm going to get him killed." Then it hit her. She was going to get him killed. He needed to stop shadowing her. There were so many chances where he could get hurt. She couldn't do that to his family, she couldn't do that to herself.

"Kate?" Josh asked snapping her back into reality. The anger in his voice had dissipated and he just sounded hurt. "You were thinking about him again weren't you?" She nodded. There had been times when she and Josh had been on a date and something he'd said reminded her of a joke that Castle had made. She would start smiling like an idiot and Josh knew what or who she was thinking about. But she couldn't help it. "Do you love me Kate?" She immediately opened her mouth to say yes but stopped when she looked into his eyes. They were brown. They weren't full of hope and faith in the world. They didn't have love pouring out of them. They weren't his eyes.

"Yes," she said. He released the breath and reached into his pocket.

"Good," he said holding out his hand with an engagement ring. A giant oval cut diamond sat in his hand encircled by small square cut diamonds that continued down the band. Kate gasped. It was too big. She didn't wear a lot of jewelry and what she did wear was simple. It was evident in the ring that he didn't know her as well as he thought. He smiled at her, thinking she loved it.

"Josh," she breathed, "you didn't let me finish. You are a wonderful guy, so nice and so sweet, and I do love you, but not enough." His face fell. Anger flashed through his eyes. He sighed heavily.

"I understand, Kate. Just one thing, let him love you. You always had one foot out the door with us; don't do that to him too. Goodbye, Kate." He pocketed the ring, opened the door and walked out.

"Josh wait," Kate called to him. He stopped in the hall outside of her apartment. She walked over to him and wrapped her arms around him. Her head pressed against his chest as his lips kissed the top of her head. "Thank you."

"Sure thing."