A/N: Hi Y'all! I've just started posting the pieces that I've been writing and working on for a while. Some are older than others, more or less polished. But I thoroughly enjoy delving into the characters, both mine and the game's. You will probably see some little traces of headcanon here and there, though major ones I'll try to point out. I hope you will enjoy this piece and please, read and review, I would really like to know if you liked this story or not, or any thoughts you'd like to share with me!

Disclaimer: Mass Effect belongs to Bioware, I'm only playing with their universe. I do not own the characters from it. I do not make any money from the writing of this story. I do it for the love of the game, the world, and the characters; and because they stuck with me long after I turned the game off (and back on, and off, ad infinitum).

Joker leaned against the wall of the elevator staring at the edge where the wall met the ceiling. "Look EDI. Just do it. It'll be fine. I swear. And if Shepard gets pissed, I'll take the heat."

"Joker, its not a big deal."

"Bullshit," the pilot snapped. He'd been waiting for a chance like this for months. The door opened and they stepped out. "EDI when I get back in the elevator tell her its me to see her and then climb back in your little box."

"If asked by the Commander, I will have to divulge your involvement Mr. Moreau."

"Fine. Not like she'll shoot me," he said to his friend with a shrug.

"You sure?"

"Not funny," Joker replied as the elevator door closed.

"Commander Shepard."

"What's up EDI?" she asked loosening the towel from around her head and starting to squeeze at the water in her hair.

"Mr. Moreau would like to speak with you."

"Sure thing."

The door slid open and closed and it took Shepard too long to realize that she didn't hear the right footsteps. She pushed the towel over her head and looked up, half expecting to be staring down the barrel of a gun. Instead she felt like someone was stepping on her throat; the feeling got more intense when she realized his eyes had flickered from her to the desk behind her. She knew full well what he was looking at and dropped the towel on the photograph to take his attention from it.

She didn't know what say. Where could she start? She walked past him and fell onto the sofa.

"I'm not really sure why I'm here."

"I have no answers for you, Kaidan." Her voice was cool and measured, though that was the only part of her that was. Her nerves tingled, her mind raced, her chest tightened, and her stomach fluttered. His very presence threatened to undo her cool façade.

"Liara sent me some information after you saw her on Ilium." Shepard could only nod as she stared at the fish swimming in the tank across from her. It was stupid, but having fish in there made her feel a little less alone at night. He was moving cautiously. He sat down on the edge of the sofa near the stairs. She'd left it empty so he'd have the chance for an unobstructed escape route. She kind of felt the desire for one, too. "Then after I talked with Liara, I got some intel."

"Sorry about that. I found out they were routing it through you after the fact. I've asked Garrus to find someone else."

Kaidan shook his head. "No, that's fine. Send it through me I'll get it to Anderson and Hackett. Its no trouble." He shook his head slightly as if to right himself. "That's not what I meant. Someone sent me Cerberus files tagged Project Lazarus." Shepard reacted visibly, almost as if she'd been bitten, and even though she just got out of the shower her skin itched. "They are pretty cleaned up. They didn't send them to divulge any secrets. More like they wanted me to understand, to know-"

"What, that I actually died?" she asked quietly, with a touch of venom in her voice, as she glanced over at him.

"What was I supposed to think Shepard?" There was the anger that she remembered. Kaidan stood and walked up the steps. He stopped and turned, looking at the wall across the room not her. "It's a little far-fetched, you have to admit. There's not a whole lot of resurrection programs out there."

She stood up and stretched her neck as if preparing for a fight. And she was fighting, fighting everything in her head and heart that told her just how much she wanted to close the distance and show him everything she couldn't find the words to say. "On Horizon, I told you what happened. Why would I make that up? Why would I lie to you?"

He didn't respond.

She thought about it for a long time before she said it. But maybe he needed to know what she hadn't told him. "I remember it. All of it." She walked across the room, eyes locked on the bright blue fish who seemed to be dancing through the cool water just for her. "I ordered you off the ship. I knew you'd do what I would," she glanced over her shoulder at him before turning her gaze back to the fish; he was looking at the ceiling. "You'd get everyone you could to safety. And I got Joker." She kind of laughed and shook her head at how close she was to being fine, to getting off the ship. "He was in the door of the pod when the beam hit again. I felt the field break, my boots didn't mag up in time so I grabbed at the bulkhead. I had it for a second or two, maybe longer." She shrugged. "I stared at that beam. Looked at Joker, and knew there was no chance. I had to launch that pod or I'd kill Joker too if I waited to try and get to the pod." She leaned her forehead against the tank and a fish stopped as if it was looking at her.

She rested her palms lightly against the cool smooth surface. "I did what had to be done. I launched it. Then I felt the tremble just before I got rocked. Bounced off something, hard. My whole head was ringing. I could feel it in my bones." She shook her head as if she could still hear it the high din singing in the back of her ears. "I didn't register the alarm at first. I fought it, tried to find it. Was it the housing, a seal, a tube? Didn't matter." She shivered and leaned her back against the tank and looked at him. He was sitting on the steps, watching her. "It took a moment or two to really realize what was happening, that it was over. I don't know if it worked but when I realized it, I knew I had to do it. Even if only I ever heard it."

"Do what?" he asked his hands, not sure if he could face her.

"Say something to someone." He looked up at her, and her gaze didn't waver.

He swallowed hard and tapped his wrist without looking away from her face. Even after two years he could still find it without having to think about it. Someone, he still wasn't sure who, had sent it to him just before the memorial. The recording was damaged, scratchy. The breathing was labored, the voice hoarse, "A chuisle mo chroí. Ta bron orm. Tá a fhios go mo chroí istigh ionat. Maith dom é le do thoil."*

"Wait, I said it in Gaelic?" she asked. He nodded and she shook her head. She leaned her head back against the glass and closed her eyes. "I didn't even realize." She scoffed at herself. "It felt like a krogan was standing on my chest, just crushing me. I think I started hallucinating. At one point, I saw you reaching for me."

She was quiet for a long time, then suddenly speaking again with a snap of her head. Something had shifted and the façade of calm overruled everything else again. "Next thing I remember is white. There were voices. Something about being awake. Heart rate. Sedation." She took a deep breath and opened her eyes, her voice more matter-of-fact. "Then I wake up naked, on a table, being yelled at to get the hell up," she shrugged. "Sounded like a normal place for me. Explosions, alarms. I was out of it. But I could still shoot straight. That was maybe fifty hours before I put boots on Freedom's Progress."

"What?" he asked. "You're sure about that timeline." Completely allowing himself to be distracted by that tiny detail. The rest seemed to be too much for his brain to completely process. It was too much for Shepard to process usually, too. But part of her wanted him to know it all, and she knew by the fact he hadn't walked out when he saw the photo of him on her desk that he wanted to know it.

"Well I was kind of out of it. But I didn't reset my gear until we hit the Normandy, my chronometer had me at 75 hours by then. It started when I suited up in the lab. Got through that mess to some other facility, and ground-side within ten hours of hitting that station."

"I saw reports six months before Freedom's Progress was hit, that alluded to you working with Cerberus." He looked irritated, she didn't know whether it was directed at her, Cerberus, the situation, all of the above.

She shrugged and shook her head. "I might have been put back together by then, but I wasn't conscious." She walked toward him and he stood as she stepped past him. She leaned over her computer. "I can get you my logs," she said as her fingers moved quickly. She wasn't sure what she was doing, though the entire time he'd been in her quarters felt completely surreal. "Probably should have had these sent with the rest of the intel." She forwarded them to him as she scrolled through them as well. "Guess they wanted all my bridges burned before I could get near any of my people," she offered as she walked back across the room.

"It worked," he said as he sat on the arm of the sofa near the stairs. "After the first report," he looked at her for a moment, "… Anderson expected to hear from you, somehow. Not a word until six months later."

"It was the first message I sent once we got near a buoy," she said sitting on her end of the sofa and glancing at him. "First question for him…"

"I saw the message," he interrupted rather tersely. She nodded and stared at the bright red toes of her black socks. "What about Horizon?" This time his voice was quiet, calm, curious, with a note of concern.

"I knew it was a set up."

"And you walked into it?"

She laughed lightly. "Happens to me all the time. Although more now, it seems," she said as an aside. "But I had to. I had all the information I needed to guarantee that I'd put boots on Horizon, even if there were a fleet there waiting for me. Collectors tied to the Reaper threat," she started counting them on her fingers. "Seeing a quarian's data and recordings from Freedom's Progress. Collector involvement with the plague on Omega. Intel pointing at Horizon. And you being dirt-side there." She looked at him and waited for his eyes to meet hers. "I only needed one of those to guarantee that I'd be on the ground, Kaidan." He looked away, broke the connection she was trying to make. She nodded, suddenly wishing she hadn't said it, and stood. "This little trip down memory lane has been horrific and all. But my crew will be back soon. And I'd hate for anyone to snitch you out to the Alliance for being on a Cerberus vessel."

He didn't say anything as he slowly straightened. He turned, then stopped suddenly. Kaidan crossed to her quickly and slid his hand behind her neck, his fingertips brushing her implant sent a shiver through her body. He was staring into her eyes, as if searching for any sign. Then she realized it; he was looking for her tell, he was looking for the bluff. He was so close. All she had to do was ease up on her tiptoes and their lips would meet.

"You shouldn't be here Kaidan," she said quietly. His eyes narrowed. "As much as I want you here, you shouldn't be."

This time he didn't retreat from her offering. His kiss was forceful. His other hand slid around her waist and pressed her to him. Her own body responded in kind, as it always did. It ended as suddenly as it began. He walked toward the door then stopped and leaned against it. He punched it lightly.

She walked over to him and touched his back lightly, she felt him relax slightly. "Would it be easier if I threw you off my ship?" He shook his head.

"Liara told me," he cleared his throat and leaned his forehead against the cool metal. "When she gave me the rest of the information she said she gave your body to Cerberus. As if I needed more reasons to dislike her."

"I was a little ticked about that, too. Then I found out who the highest bidder was."

"Yeah." He took a long moment, then turned and looked at her. "Why are you still on this ship?"

Shepard could read between the lines; she knew what he meant. "The Collectors are a threat to more than just humans. They let loose a plague on Omega that was killing multiple species. They are targeting our colonies and my friends. But they aren't just threatening our species." She shrugged then walked back down the steps as she continued, "Plus, I'm dead, Kaidan. At least to anyone that could help me deal with this . The Alliance has disowned me. Council's willing to let me play Spectre just to not look foolish, but only if I do it out where people don't look too hard. Everyone I know thinks I was jerking them around and being a colossal bitch for two years before I turned traitor. Fuck, I don't even know what all Cerberus did." She sat on the edge of the table and rested her forehead on her hands. "Sometimes I find myself wondering if I'm not just some really well-programmed VI that thinks its Nyx Shepard."

"VIs can't kiss like that," he said leaning on the beam near the stairs.

"Lot of experience with that?" she asked with a trace of a laugh in her voice, glancing over at him for a moment.

"No, but there are some things you don't forget." He had been looking at her the entire time.

"You've had two years to move past. I'm not going to pull you back in. Especially now. You've gotten information from Liara, you obviously talk to Joker, maybe Garrus and Tali, too. You have to know what I'm about to do."

"What? Dash through the Omega Relay and save the Galaxy again?"

"The relay no ship has returned from? Yeah."

Kaidan walked over to her. His feet stopped between hers. "When is this jump?"

"Still trying to work that all out, but soon" His hand was so warm against her cheek. Why are you doing this to yourself, Kaidan. She knew her heart was firmly fixed. It had been since the first time she felt him. She could feel it now, just like the first time in her cabin; his field was creeping across her skin. Shepard stood quickly and crossed the room, arms crossed over her chest, not facing him. "Kaidan."

"Nyx," he said from behind her.

Oh, God. Just breathe Shepard. You ordered him off your ship once. Yes, but that was to save lives. So is this. You have to. To save him, you have to get him away from you. She didn't see it, but the hum of his field and slight reverberations the ship's drive core seemed to help her argue with herself. "You have to go," she said weakly.

"You said that already," his demeanor was changing by the minute.

"I don't want you to get hurt again, Kaidan." The longing didn't fade when he touched her. When she faced him, his fingers slid across her cheeks and she opened her eyes. "I could die, again. Please, just walk away. For your own sake. I don't want to put you through that all again."

His jaw clenched. The pain in his eyes tore at her. She'd hoped he'd just leave, it would be easier on them both. But he could read her. He knew, if ever anyone would, that what she asked for was not what she wanted. Kaidan kissed her, softly at first, but it changed-told her that as much as he shouldn't still care, she still meant something to him. Then as suddenly as he'd appeared in her quarters he was gone. As the door closed behind him, Shepard slid down the wall. She didn't want him to hope and be disappointed. She didn't want to break his world again, couldn't break his heart a second time.

*Roughly translates to: Pulse of my heart. I'm sorry. Know that my heart is within you. Forgive me, please