Dean didn't realize how much he had accustomed himself to having Castiel with him in bed until he was alone, gazing at his ceiling fan and internally conflicted at the fact that the librarian was just a room away. So close to touch- just a few steps away and he'd be entwined in the fortune teller's warm arms, his gentle fingers skimming along his back, as they often did. Just a swallow of Dean's pride, and he wouldn't have to sleep alone.

His stubborn nature overtook him, though. He would not be the first to give in- he was not the one to blame, here! It was Castiel- his secretive lifestyle that he couldn't break, not even for Dean.

The teacher scoffed as he turned onto his stomach, burying his face in his pillow. He immediately recoiled and flipped the pillow to the other side when he smelled Castiel's shampoo on it. It ignited something within him, setting his heart into a frenzy that ached and sang all at once. He huffed indignantly as he crossed his arms under his face, wallowing in his miserable thoughts.

The fact that Castiel hadn't defended himself in the car left Dean in an emotional turmoil. He didn't know whether the librarian was simply taken aback by the accusation, or if he truly didn't care for Dean and didn't bother lying, for it was against his honest ways.

Dean felt his gut coil, despite his efforts to ease his emotions. So what if Castiel wasn't as invested as Dean was? They'd only been dating a little over a month. It was a new relationship, and it probably wouldn't have lasted, anyways. None of Dean's ever did.

Despite his attempt at detachment, the teacher found he couldn't kid himself. He was head over heels for Castiel, and this was no simple fling. If the relationship ended, it would more than likely destroy him.

Sighing and letting out an irritated groan muffled by his pillow, Dean rolled onto his back, and gazed at the ceiling fan, once more.

The endless spiral mimicked Dean's dark and swirling thoughts.

Dean hardly got a wink of sleep before he readied himself for work, that morning. He woke earlier than usual, and used the advantage to sneak out of the apartment without an awkward confrontation with Cas. Careful to be quiet, he poured himself coffee in a thermos, and rushed out the apartment and into the rain of the day.

The sky was a wash of grey and white, bathing the world around him in a pale and dreary light. It didn't serve to heighten Dean's mood, that was for sure. He tugged his coat closer to him, and gripped tight to his mug, letting it warm his fingers. It seemed like Spring was coming late, this year.

Sparing one glance at the apartment, Dean got in his car and drove off.

"What's eating you?" Charlie asked as she plopped down at Dean's desk, handing him a sandwich.

Dean offered a smile. "Nothing, really," he insisted, accepting the meal gratefully. He had forgotten to bring anything. As if sensing his sour mood, Charlie had texted him that morning, asking if he'd like her to get him lunch, since she had already been at a deli getting her own.

Well, it was less of asking and more of "we haven't seen each other in ages and I'm bringing you lunch, today".

Charlie leaned back in her seat, observing her friend. "Something about Cas?" she pried.

Dean gave a shrug. "More or less. It was just a dumb argument. Nothing important."

Charlie hummed. "Well, then you should apologize and get it over with."

Dean bristled. "What makes you think it was my fault?" he accused.

The redhead rolled her eyes. "I'm not saying it is. I'm saying that if it's a dumb argument then there's no point in fighting. Just make sure you don't push him away. You're the happiest I've ever seen you when you're with him."

Dean frowned at his sandwich, picking off the grain-dotted crust. He hated the texture. Taking a bite, the blond chewed thoughtfully. He didn't want to apologize, that was for sure. Cas was the one who was pushing Dean away, after all. Why should Dean be the one to mend their relationship? Hadn't he done enough?

When would it be Cas's turn to open up?

Charlie didn't know the specifics. She didn't understand.

Well… maybe she didn't have to. She did have a point, anyways… Cas was too important to Dean. And he shouldn't ignore him over something so dumb.

Dean sighed, mind made up. "Fine. I'll visit him at the library after work," he concluded. Charlie beamed at him.

"Look at you, Winchester, all grown up and matured. Thirty is looking good on you," she teased. Dean rolled his eyes, and his friend quickly changed the conversation before he could retaliate. "So, you still up for Pam's birthday on Saturday?"

Dean smiled. "Yeah. Are you gonna be bringing Gilda?" he asked, referring to Charlie's new girlfriend, the one she had met at the bar.

Charlie smiled widely. "Yep. Her and Pam are best friends, now, I guess. Gilda was the one who set up the whole thing."

"Still gonna be at the Japanese restaurant?" Dean asked.

"Duh. We got hibachi. You might wanna take a cab, by the way. We fully intend to drown you and Cas in saké. Along with the rest of us."

Dean smirked, shaking his head. "Thanks for the warning… I think. I'll be sure to cleanse the night before."

Charlie laughed at that. "Two gallons of water is recommended."

It was downright pouring when Dean drove to the library. He wanted nothing more than to go home and curl under a blanket while he got some work done, but he made the trek to Cas anyways, knowing this had to be done sooner or later.

But that thought didn't serve to calm the pace of Dean's heart or the churning of his stomach as he approached the library doors. Taking a deep breath, Dean quickly counted to ten before he stepped inside.

The warm air greeted him, and Dean found himself calming down in the familiar atmosphere. He glanced around, unable to find Cas anywhere. However, the library was big and Dean was not easily deterred. After some intensive venturing into aisles he hadn't even seen before, Dean wound up in the back corner of the library, and found his boyfriend filing books into shelves in the Business/Statistics section. Chewing on his lower lip nervously, Dean took a deep breath, and walked forward.

Castiel looked stunning, much to the contrary of Dean's own attire. A black v-neck sweater (one Dean had bought him) was pulled over a white button up, and his legs were adorned with well fitted khakis. The sleeves of the black sweater were rolled, as if the outfit hadn't been attractive enough, before. Now Castiel flaunted his slender, muscled forearms for the whole "I'm way too good looking to be a librarian" package.

Dean had a feeling that the serious conversation he had planned out in his head would crumble and dissipate into thin air the moment he spoke.

"Cas," Dean spoke up, catching the librarian's attention.

He looked up, and Dean suddenly felt better about his own appearance. Castiel looked as though he had gotten less sleep than Dean, his eyes underlined with purple shadows, and hair a mess. Dean gave his boyfriend a concerned look, hoping he could convey his apologies through it.

"Dean," Cas spoke, seeming almost relieved, yet hesitant.

Dean averted his eyes to the floor, scuffing his shoe nervously. "Listen, I- uh, I came here to apol-"

Before he could finish, though, Cas had put down the books in his hands and walked over to Dean, drawing him into a tight hug.

"I'm sorry," he murmured from Dean's neck, pulling away slightly to look in his eyes. He wore a sheepish expression. "I meant to talk to you this morning, but you had left."

Dean gave a weak smile. "Sorry. Had a meeting."

They both knew he was lying, but they came to a silent consensus not to point it out.

Castiel cupped Dean's cheek, making him look into his eyes. "I know I do not share much about my life with you. It's how I am, I suppose. Being secretive is… a hard habit to break. And I know it's not fair. But I promise you my not telling you is not because I don't care for you, or because I don't trust you," Castiel hesitated, now, his hand dropping onto Dean's shoulder. "I'm just… afraid. My past was not pleasant, and I do not like thinking about it, because I feel that if I do it might repeat itself."

Dean searched Castiel's blue eyes. He shook his head, pulling away slightly to look his boyfriend straight on. "Cas, you should know I understand. Hell, neither of our pasts are ideal. But it just… I guess I was upset that you didn't feel like you could share it with me."

Castiel brought Dean back to him, and he cupped his cheek, rubbing a finger along it. Their eyes searched one another's. Dean was entranced, held in one place by an invisible tether. "Tonight," Castiel whispered. "I promise."

Dean scanned the librarian's face, then studied his gaze. He nodded once. "Okay."

Castiel smiled, now, brushing his fingers along Dean's cheek and to his hair. His thumb made circulations underneath Dean's ear. "I'm sorry," he apologized.

Dean smiled, resting his forehead against Castiel's. "I missed you," he blurted out before he could stop himself. He could feel embarrassment color his cheeks, they had only been apart for one night.

But Castiel smiled wider at that, and his other hand fell down to Dean's neck, cradling the curve of it. "I missed you, too."

Unable to help himself, now, Dean's hands instinctively found Castiel's waist, and he pulled impatiently at the sides of the librarian's sweater, indicating what he wanted with that one action.

Castiel's hand removed itself from Dean's hair, going back to cradling his cheek as he ran a thumb across Dean's lips. The teacher parted them. His eyelids fell expectantly.

They kissed like they'd been apart for years. In moments their hands had found one another- the curves of arms and dips of spines and the hold of hips. Being with Castiel in that moment made Dean wonder why the hell he'd ever fight with him in the first place, when they could be together and happy, instead.

Dean came to a sudden agreement, a subtle thing nestled within his gut, that he would not let Castiel go. Petty arguments aside, the librarian was the one for him.

He was all in.

With that realization, Dean found that he could not stop smiling against Castiel's kisses, making the librarian pause to look at him, mouth twitched into an amused grin.

"What?" he asked, hand warm on its spot on Dean's hip.

Dean shook his head, still smiling. "Nothing. I'm just… it's nothing. Just happy," he murmured before looking down at Castiel's lips, pulling him closer and sealing them together. Castiel happily obliged, and they leaned against the nearest bookcase, mouths hot on one another, desperate to regain the moments they had lost.

When they finally parted, Castiel's eyes glanced away for a second, and he froze, eyes widening. Wondering what he was looking at, Dean looked up, too, and his eyes laid upon what looked to be a very shocked college student gazing at the both of them with a slack-jawed expression.

They backed off of one another, and Dean had to use all his willpower not to burst out laughing at their ridiculous predicament.

Licking his swollen lips, Dean raised an eyebrow at Castiel, whose lips were flattened into a line with a hint of a suppressed smile. The librarian's sweater was untucked, and his hair was messy. Dean decided he probably looked the same way.

Grabbing a book from the shelf behind him, Dean spoke.

"Ah, there it is. Just where you said it'd be. I'll, uh, leave you to it, then. Thanks," he murmured before walking off, leaving his boyfriend to deal with their mess on his own.

And the teacher let a few giggles escape when he heard Castiel clear his throat and utter, "Can I help you find something?"

Dean was drinking a coffee and grading some tests at the dining table when Castiel walked into the apartment.

"Hey," Dean spoke, glancing up for a moment before resuming his grading.

He could hear Castiel laugh, and he looked up to find his boyfriend looking at the library book on the dining table with an amused expression. "You actually checked it out?"

Dean laughed. "Well you didn't expect me to walk back there and put it away, did you?"

"You don't have a library card," Castiel retorted.

"I bought one."

Castiel shook his head, now, his smile remaining. He walked over and inspected the cover of the book. "The Elements of Statistical Learning. Sounds enthralling."

Dean just smiled widely up at his boyfriend, who leaned down to give him a kiss. Dean reached a hand up to pull at Castiel's collar, prolonging it.

"No more activities in the library," Castiel murmured against Dean's lips, a smile curving his own.

"Got it," Dean replied. "No more making out in the bookshelves. The break room, however…"

"No," Castiel insinuated, laughing, now. "I'm serious, Dean."

"Sure," the teacher said, giving one last kiss before returning to grading. "Okay."

Castiel gave him a look before laughing again, shaking his head. He sat down at the table, now. It was silent for a while. Dean pretended to read over a test when in reality he was trying to come up with something to say.

"I suppose you're waiting for my explanation," Castiel finally spoke.

Dean smiled sheepishly. "More or less."

The librarian sighed, reaching out a hand to Dean. He took it, and let his boyfriend lead him to the couch. Dean sat down, and Castiel joined him. They nestled against one another, Dean staying silent to let Castiel gather his thoughts. It was a long while before he spoke, instead taking to tracing patterns on Dean's palm, a nervous habit that the teacher made note of.

"The man you saw at the library… before you moved in… he used to live with me," Castiel explained.

Dean raised an eyebrow. "British guy?"

Castiel nodded. "His name is Balthazar. He was... well, we were together for a very long time. Ten years, to be exact. He was not very good for me. But I loved him," Castiel admitted. "Very much. Enough to choose him over my family."

Dean tilted his head. "What do you mean?"

Castiel smiled sadly, not looking up from Dean's palm. "They were not very… accepting of my choice in partners…. After I finished studying medicine, as my father wanted me to do, I announced that I did not want to be a doctor. 'Zar had been the one to convince me to follow my own path. They knew that, and they were appalled with who I was becoming… they disowned me, and left me on my own. I was completely dependent upon 'Zar, he was the only thing I had left. And, well, he took full advantage of that.

"We moved in together. Here, in this apartment. We had already been together for three years beforehand, and so we decided it was the best step forward. But, well, we quickly found out our differences once we were confined to such a small space… we fell out. He'd become angry all the time. He drank every day… grew distant. He'd tell me how I'd be nothing without him, how he was the one keeping me together. And I believed him. He quickly shut down my dabbling in art, going from telling me to follow my passion, to insisting that I get a real job. He told me how I was an amateur artist, how it would never surmount to anything more than a foolish hobby.

"Of course, I listened. I put away the paints and got a job at the library- the one thing that I knew I'd love doing. That was not enough for him, though. His abuse became more frequent. It only became… physical... every now and then. But the mental damage far exceeded that. I suppose he still effects me to this day."

Dean held his hand, his gaze transfixed onto the librarian. "Cas, I'm so sorry. I had no idea. I would have never asked if-"

"It's alright," Castiel interrupted. "You told me about Lisa. It's only fair that I talk to you about my past partner, as well."

Dean gave his boyfriend a long look before dropping his head on his shoulder, hugging him tight. He placed a kiss on Castiel's shoulder, and let them both sit in a calm silence.

After a moment, Castiel spoke.

"Can I tell you something?"

"Anything."

He traced along the scar on Dean's palm. "I only found the courage to end my relationship with 'Zar after I met you."

Dean looked up in shock. "At the carnival?"

Castiel smiled. "Yes."

"Did… did you know we'd see each other again?"

Fingers trailed over his palm. "I wasn't certain. But I knew you'd be the one. And I took the chance."

Dean watched the fortune teller. "How did you know?"

Castiel tapped a finger against the scar. "Because of this."

Dean only grew more confused. "What do you mean?"

Castiel held his hand, now. Their fingers laced together. "I'd get visions of you," he admitted. "Premonitions, really. They would come to me whether I willed them to or not. I could never maintain a clear physical image to go by, but there was always one detail that would stick out-"

"My scar," Dean whispered, finding himself out of breath.

Castiel nodded. "I was very shocked upon seeing it. I felt… as if my entire world's balance had been shifted. Just from that normal Sunday at the carnival… after meeting you, my life changed. I knew nothing would ever be the same, again."

Dean smiled wide at that, burying his head in Castiel's chest. "You found me," he murmured.

Castiel's embrace was warm and strong. "I found you."

Dean hugged Castiel from behind, his hands settling on the librarian's belly. He placed a kiss on his neck.

"You look good," he complimented, smiling into the kiss that Castiel now planted on his lips.

"Mm," Castiel hummed, smiling back as he kissed Dean's cheek, now. "And you look amazing," he replied.

"Don't try to top my compliment or we'll be here all night," Dean murmured, giving into the next kiss that met his lips. Then the one after that.

"I wouldn't mind too much," Castiel spoke.

Dean laughed, putting some space between them, although Castiel kept a loose grip on Dean's belt loops, now. "Charlie would kill us."

"That's true," Castiel agreed, pulling Dean close to give him another kiss, which turned into three more. He stopped before they became lost in one another. "We should head out, then. I'll call a cab."

"Alright," Dean agreed, finding it in him to leave Castiel's room while he still had the willpower.

Pam's birthday had finally rolled around, and Dean found that he was actually excited about it. He blamed Charlie's constant and incredibly maintained hype throughout the week. Castiel and Dean even took the time Friday to find gifts for Pam, settling with a nice watch and a pair of sunglasses by her favorite designer. They had had fun shopping around the city; they showed one another their favorite places and spent the whole afternoon out together.

Dean felt more settled than he had ever been.

The restaurant was deep in the city, and Dean reclined into Castiel in the cab as it drove, enjoying the nightlife view from the backseat. Castiel held Dean's hand, and he squeezed it.

"Sam's wedding is soon," Dean murmured, gazing out the window.

He could feel Castiel watching him. "You ready for it?"

Dean smiled. "Yeah. I'm really happy for him… can't believe he's all grown up. I'm proud of him. He's a really good kid."

Another squeeze of his fingers. "He had the perfect parent."

Dean grinned shyly, hiding it in Castiel's shoulder. "I'm glad you're gonna be my plus one. Sam and Jess are really excited to have you there."

He could feel Castiel's smile in his next words, "So am I."

They pulled up to the restaurant, an average sized sushi bar. Dean and Cas could see Gilda and Charlie waiting out by the front, and Charlie smiled wide when she saw the couple.

"Dean! Cas!" she exclaimed, coming over to give them both big, strong hugs. "I'm glad you guys made it."

She introduced them to Gilda, a pretty and sweet brunette who shook their hands, putting on a dazzling smile.

"It's very nice to meet you two. Charlie told me a lot about you."

"Not too much, I hope," Dean joked, glancing at his redheaded friend who gave him a mischievous look.

"Just enough," Gilda replied with a laugh.

No sooner than they had finished their introductions did Pam show up.

She wasn't alone.

She had brought a date of her own to the celebration, a tall, dark, and handsome guy. They walked towards the group hand in hand, and Dean noticed the goofy smile on the man's face as he gazed at the birthday girl. Dean knew right away the man was one hundred percent Pam material.

Charlie was the first to point this out.

"And who is this handsome stranger?" she asked as the couple strode up to them.

The man smiled. "I'm Tom. And I'm guessing you're Charlie, right?"

Charlie rose an eyebrow, giving an astounded laugh. "I guess I already have a reputation."

"Are you really surprised?" Gilda teased.

"Tom's my boyfriend," Pam spoke up, giving everyone a big smile. "We've been dating a couple of months."

Charlie looked shocked. "Pam! I'm hurt! Why didn't you tell me?"

"Because I know better than to introduce you to someone that I haven't prepared for you for months," the bartender laughed.

"Point taken."

"Let's get inside, then," Dean suggested, "it's freezing out here."

They all agreed and went in, letting the hostess inside lead them to the hibachi room Gilda had rented out for the evening. It was a nice room- private and decorated tastefully. Dining tables surrounded a hibachi stove top, and the group took their seats. A waitress came to take their drink orders, and when she left the friends caught up.

Tom was decent enough- catching on quickly to everyone's sense of humor, and even contributing a few laugh-worthy stories, himself (which seemed to make Pam relieved). Pam was smitten with him, smiling adoringly at him every chance she got, and Dean was incredibly happy for her. He hadn't seen her date anyone this seriously after her divorce five years ago.

Dean and Pam were both finally settling down, he supposed.

Hibachi turned out to be a great idea, on Gilda's part. Watching the Japanese chef cook with tall flames was five times more fascinating when they were all mostly submerged in saké. They giggled at one another as the chef threw food into their mouths, placing bets on who would catch it the first try. Charlie and Gilda were experts, and both got it on their first time. The teacher suspected they had both cheated and been here before without telling anyone. It seemed like their kind of a date spot, and he wouldn't have been surprised.

Dean had managed to catch the food on the first try, too, much to everyone's excitement. Castiel had missed so many times that Dean lost count, but when he finally managed to catch the millionth piece of chicken it brought about a huge cheer and round of applause.

The food was amazing, and having it made right in front of them seemed to up the appeal far more. Either that, or their drunk selves thought everything was far better than it really was. Dean decided it was the first.

It felt good having reconciled things with Castiel. Their relationship had never been better- they had never been more in sync and tuned into one another. Dean found that he couldn't even keep his hands off of his boyfriend, leaning in to touch their legs or to graze his arm or fix a strand of his unruly hair.

He couldn't remember the last time he was so content. Or the last time he did something so social, to be honest.

It was a good feeling.

At the end of the night, Charlie lead the drunk group in a singing of "Happy Birthday", and they all joined, singing loudly, much to Pam's embarrassment and amusement.

Afterwards, the group of friends payed and left, walking around the city as they caught up with one another. Dean looped his arm with Cas's, and they leaned into one another for drunken support and warmth in the chilly night.

Once it reached midnight, everybody agreed to go their separate ways.

Dean was far more drunk than Castiel, who had completely sobered up by the end of the night, and he envied the librarian's tolerance. He supposed it was alright, though, since he had someone to take care of him throughout the night.

Castiel helped Dean remove his jacket and jeans, leaving him in his t-shirt and boxers. The teacher flopped down on Castiel's bed once his clothes were removed, drunkenly reaching out his arms to the librarian in a "come over here" gesture.

Once Castiel had shed off his clothes, as well, he joined Dean in the bed, drawing the covers over them and hugging him close. Dean reached up for a kiss, and was granted one. He made that two, then three, then-

"Dean, we should sleep," Castiel laughed as Dean instead went to place a kiss on his neck.

"We're in your bed, though. Your bed is the sex bed, my bed is the sleep bed."

Castiel raised an eyebrow, a smile on his lips. "When did we establish that?"

Dean pondered on that for a moment. "I'm not sure. But it just kinda happened that way."

"I suppose it did."

Dean smiled, now, giving the librarian a look. "So..."

Castiel laughed once more, giving Dean a kiss as he moved above him, embracing him with arms and legs and kisses that peppered down his neck and over his heart. And they easily molded together, driving out the cold of the air and beckoning in the warmth.

So… sorry I've been gone forever. I've had a lot going on, and I've been focusing on my original stories. But I'm back, and I'm going to work hard to post a chapter every week for this story n_n

let's see how that works out…

Goodbye, lovelies!~