Author's Note: Hello! I thought I'd give you a quick run-down on how this story is going to work. So, the chapters are all pretty much self-contained stories that all tie-in together. Some are 2 shots, some are long, some are short. They aren't in any order, but sometimes there will be clues thrown in that let you know where the story fits into the timeline of it all. The title of each chapter is based on Bones' famous catchphrase "I'm a doctor, not a [blank]." The basis for each chapter comes from the fact that, like on the show, Bones usually ends up being the thing he was just so adamantly against. Anyways, if that's confusing, just stick with me. It'll make sense as you go.

Thanks for reading,

Ashley

Not a Pirate

Pirates were a thing still, apparently.

Go figure.

McCoy pulled the man the dead man out of the seat, trying very, very, very, very hard not to feel guilty. The guys' hands were still gripping the wheel.

"Ah, hell," he groaned, prying the fingers off as respectfully as he could. Finally free, he gently lowered the body outside the ship's open door and closed it shut.

"Really?"

He turned back to Jim, who was leaning casually in the passenger seat, trying to look like he wasn't bleeding out. McCoy stomped back to the wheel.

"What?" he snapped.

"You know that guy murdered people, right? He literally punched you in the face less than 2 minutes ago and you're still treating him like he's your prom date."

McCoy scowled, flipping through the switches on the access panel.

"I didn't kill my prom date, Jim," he said off-handedly, just as he found the power button and flipped the ship on.

"If it makes you feel any—fuck—better, I don't think you killed that guy either," Jim spit out, gritting his teeth as he tried to move closer to the controls. "I think he actually died from secondhand embarrassment after you tripped up the stairs on your way to kill him."

McCoy ignored the comment. Jim was just trying to make him feel better. Or he was trying to distract himself from the hole in his side.

"You're leaking," he said instead, nodding to the green liquid running down from the wound.

"Yeah, I think the space pirates did something space pirate-y," Jim replied unhelpfully, poking lightly against his skin.

McCoy rolled his eyes.

Because yes, of course they couldn't just run into your average, everyday brand of pirates. They had to be the newest model of pirates. Space pirates, Jim had told him excitedly. We get to meet a real life space pirate, Bones. How cool is that?

The problem was that it wasn't just one "real life space pirate" on the planet, it was thirty. And they didn't just get to "meet" them, they got to be "captured" and "shot at" by them. Now they were "escaping" and "stealing a shuttle" from them while Jim was "dying" in the passenger seat.

Which made McCoy very "angry."

"Bones, you're bleeding," Jim said in suddenly, trying to lift an arm but failing. McCoy rubbed a hand across the cut on his forehead. It dragged across the corner lid of his eye, making it difficult to see and even more difficult to, you know, fly a shuttle.

"So are you," he snapped, taking a deep breath as he lifted the shuttle off the sandy surface of the planet. They still had two more captives to get out, assuming they weren't already dead.

"Do you think Sulu and Spock are dead already?"

It was creepy when Jim did that.

"I don't know, Jim," he answered, trying to stop his hands shaking against the wheel. "Do you remember where they were last?"

"Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh," Jim drawled. His head was rolling against the headrest, his eyes glassy as he looked out the shuttle window. "I saw them before I got shot I think. They were definitely on the planet with us at some point."

"That's incredibly helpful, thank you," McCoy growled. He hadn't meant to sound as angry as he did, so he sighed. "Just focus on staying awake, Jim. I'll find 'em."

Jim blinked over at him, looking truly miserable for the first time all day, even after the mission went south. Even as he'd been tossed into the cell after Spock, bleeding from whatever they'd shot him with, he'd still had had the stupid smile on his face and McCoy had wanted to punch him.

"Bones, I don't think I like space pirates."

"That's kind of what they are going for, Jim," he laughed, scanning quickly across the empty fields of the planet. His hand slipped against on the foreign controls, causing the shuttle to dip for a second.

"Wait, did you steal this shuttle?"

Jim seemed surprised, like it hadn't been his idea in the first place to steal the shuttle.

"Yes, Jim, I stole this shuttle. They kind of blew ours up when we got here, remember?"

"Oh. Neat."

"Yeah, neat," McCoy echoed, shaking his head. Jim clearly wasn't doing so hot.

There was a long pause then, long enough the McCoy pulled his eyes away from the window in order to make sure Jim was still awake. Instead, he saw Jim frowning at the floor.

"You stole a ship," he repeated. "You killed a guy. You're bleeding ruggedly."

"I am not bleeding ruggedly. What does that even mean?"

Jim's frown dissolved, replaced by a grin.

"It means you're a pirate," he said. "You are totally a space pirate now!"

"No I'm not!"

"Yes you are! Look at you! Growling as you sail the seven seas, in search for your stolen bounty."

"Are you implying that Spock and Sulu are my treasure?"

"You even have a cool pirate name!" Jim said, apparently not hearing the question. Or ignoring it for the sake of his point.

"Ah, yes. The Dread Pirate Leonard," McCoy muttered darkly.

"If that cut on your face scars, you could get an eye patch."

"I am not a pirate, Jim."

He paused, catching a brief glance of gold and blue darting behind a boulder in front of them.

"But I am going to be a hero," he smiled, dropping the shuttle down.

"No, gross. Being a pirate is way cooler than that."

/

Author's Note 2.0:

Most chapters will be in either Jim's perspective, or Bones'. You can tell whose it is by McCoy's name. If he is referred to by "Bones", it's Jim. And if it's "McCoy" it's Leonard's. On the rare chapters/segments that it is in some other crewmen's perspective, he will be referred to as "Dr. McCoy" or "the doctor". You'll figure it out real quick, I am sure. The next chapter is in Jim's perspective.

Up Next: Not a Child.