Hey all I"m back! I hope you take the time to read this as it's something that I was thinking of doing for a while. This won't be possible without TimeLordBud, so thanks for your help so far :3 Anyway, this first chapter is sort of an introduction, and I was inspired by Linkin Park's "Breaking the Habit," go look it up, you won't be sorry XD this is planned to be fairly long, and it will be a slow build with the help of TimeLord, so I hope you all like it! (warning this chapter contains suicidal thoughts)

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Ch. 1 Loss

She'd always told herself that no matter what happened, she could be beaten, not broken. Now, she knew she was wrong. As she sat in her dark quarters, relieved of duty due to a failed mental evaluation, her mind slipped to the recent past.

Bright flashes of memories and flashbacks invaded her senses. Gunfire, screams, the sting of wounds, and the sensation of energon slicking the ground with every step. With a roar, she heard the sound of Seeker jets as vividly if they'd just flown over the command center she was residing in. Further back in her memories, a kind word, gentle face, and soft touch were brought to her mind before it faded away. Outside her recognition, the door to her quarters hissed open and a familiar face walked in.

With a snap, she pulled back to her senses and blinked a few times, her one good optic cycling in the darkness. Footsteps tapped close to her, but she stayed in her position; elbows on her knees, hands clasped, helm bowed. A reassuring touch landed on her shoulder, but she involuntarily flinched away. The voice that followed was understanding but carried authority of its own.

"Hayli...when was the last time you refueled, or slept, or moved for that matter?" the visitor said. Hayli kept her gaze fixed on the floor, the newcomer was on her blind side anyway.

"Your energon levels are unacceptable, please Hayli, don't make me drag you to the med-bay and force it into you." the female Autobot remained rigid, but spoke in a voice ripped with grief and depression.

"Go away, Ratchet." Hayli said. Ratchet sighed and lifted the femme's chin to look him in the eye. She automatically turned her head to the left to hide her blind side; a Decepticon had damaged her left optic irreparably and left her face badly scarred.

"Come on, up you get." Ratchet said, pulling her up onto her feet slowly. Her joints creaked in stiffness and she looked away from Ratchet's red and white frame.

"Good Primus...what's happened to you Hayli?" Ratchet said after he used a small scanner on the femme, finding that she hadn't recharged for so long it was astounding her systems were still functioning. "Why haven't you been sleeping?" Hayli looked at the ground still, her mind numb to his questioning.

"If I sleep I just see it all again..." she murmured, standing on weak legs in the dimness of her quarters. Ratchet shaking his helm.

"I think I'm going to have to order you stay in the med-bay for a while, until you're energon levels are satisfactory and you've gotten enough rest. Do you think you can walk there?" Ratchet asked. Hayli gave a small nod, shuffling out into the bright and pristine hallway with the medic right behind. Her bladed heels tapped on the ceramic floor as she took one step at a time, having to stop and rest against the wall at one point to regain her bearings as she was so weak. At that point, Ratchet stepped forward and helped her, pulling one of her arms across his shoulders and walking her slowly to the med bay.

The doors slid open automatically with little to no noise, leading to the brightly lit medical area inside. Ratchet helped the ailing femme to an exam table in the back corner of the med bay, letting her sit on the edge while he gathered the few things he'd need. Hayli's gaze remained fixed on the floor, numbly staring at whatever was directly in her line of sight. When Ratchet glanced back at her he couldn't help but feel sympathy. She'd developed the 'thousand yard stare' that he'd seen countless times in bots that came in from combat situations. The bot sitting in front of him was the prime example of what it is to be broken deeper than what can be fixed with energon and rest.

Even so, he gently turned her so her legs were on the table and then lowered the femme so she was resting flat on her back. Her unfocused gaze drifted right past Ratchet up to the ceiling, where she didn't even blink though she was staring into a bright light. Ratchet sighed quietly, thinking that it was really a shame that she'd been reduced to a shell of her former glory. She'd worked her aft off to slowly climb through the Autobot ranks and become an elite guard officer, not to mention she was quite formidable on the battlefield. In one fluid motion, he connected an energon line to the refueling port on the back of her wrist, knowing there was no way to get her to do it herself.

"There, now, why don't you try and power off for a while, you need it badly." Ratchet said. Hayli didn't seem to acknowledge she heard him, until a few long moments later she whispered similar to what she'd said before.

"I don't want to see it again..." she said. Ratchet shook his head.

"I understand that...but Hayli, we've all lost someone we love, every one of us." Ratchet said, trying to rationalize with the femme even as he prepared a sedative to inject into her energon line; she'd get the rest she needed without having to worry about a flashback. He'd struck a nerve though, and her optic narrowed a fraction.

"Have every one of you watched your whole family murdered? Lost contact with your spark mate recently? Or watched a piece of your own spark die before your optics? I have." Hayli said coldly. Ratchet stood with the decent sized dose of the sedative, about to reply.

"We're truly sor-" Ratchet started before Hayli snapped, actually turning her head and glaring with her one good optic.

"Don't you 'sorry' me. Little more than a week ago the Decepticons took someone else away from me, she died in my arms, Ratchet. My own daughter!" she cried, her tone rising as she started re-living the trauma. Ratchet quickly injected the sedative, letting her continue. "I sat there in a pool of her energon while she went offline and those... fragging Seekers … just kept shooting everything! You know what I came out of that fight with? A slagging... scratch on my arm guard... from a Seeker's talon..." she said, trailing off slightly. Ratchet could tell the sedative was taking effect, and she looked like she wanted to say something else before her frame relaxed and her head lolled, the optic glazing and going dim as she lost consciousness.

The old medic sighed as he left her to recharge and refuel, he had more patients to tend to and it seemed like the empty berths on either side of the femme would soon be filled.

…..

Long hours later, Hayli woke slightly disoriented in the now-dim med bay. She assumed it must have been night time, the lights turned down to allow the healing bots in the medical center to rest. With dismay, she ran a diagnostic scan and found she was back to operating at full capacity. The femme sat up, feeling the energon line in her wrist tug. Scowling, she ripped it out and swung her legs over the side of the table.

Why had Ratchet let her live to continue her mental suffering? Flashbacks tore through her mind once more and her spark ached deeply, almost to the point of physical pain. Angry and dejected, she stood up quickly and slipped out from behind a medical green curtain that had been pulled around the small corner of the med bay. A handful of mechs were recharging on tables around the bay, but no medic was to be seen.

Running a quick check, the femme was surprised to find she was still armed, her katana that was gifted in her training was sheathed safely at her side. Sneaking out of the med bay, she turned the corner around the hall and walked past her quarters towards the exit of the compound, thinking quietly to herself.

Everyone thinks I can move on...but these memories I live with now... I don't want to fight anymore, but the fighting seems to find me anyway, and everytime I clash with those... Decepticons... she mentally spat the word, I lose something or someone close to me... What's the worth of fighting now? No one would listen to a grief stricken femme, even if I knew exactly what I wanted to say to stop them. I've said some horrible things to the ones I call my friends...how they can forgive me, I have no idea.

She pulled from her thoughts to look around cautiously as she approached the door. At this hour, not many were awake save the skeleton crew on night watch. She picked up her pace to a run and exited the automatic doors, leaping forward and transforming in midair. With a thud and squeak of suspension springs, Hayli landed on all four tires and coasted forward a few feet to a stop, looking behind her in the rearview mirror to assure there was no one after her. All was quiet.

I can't be in this place anymore. The thought echoed.

With a screech of spinning tires, Hayli shot forward in vehicle mode, whipping off the road immediately and easing up to her maximum speed as she headed for someplace where she could get lost.

Hours passed with the femme never letting up on her accelerator. Warnings were starting to flash across her HUD that she was burning energon too quickly and her engine was redlining. She would've kept going until she flamed out, but her left front tire hit something embedded in the hard packed earth and lifted the front of her alternate mode off the ground, starting to roll her. Transforming in an instant, she landed and slid before coming to a stop. She gritted her teeth, clenching her fists so hard the pointed tips of her fingers started cutting into her palm. The warnings still flashed weakly, fading, but Hayli could feel her spark thrumming hard in her chest and she was cycling air heavily in an attempt to cool down her systems.

She looked back the way she came, getting up to her feet. Narrowing her good optic, she walked to the object that had almost wrecked her. It was the rusted wing of a Seeker, half sticking out of the ground at an angle. Hayli took a step back, clutching her helm as more flashbacks plagued her memory.

These memories...they... hurt... more than any wound I've ever received. Hayli said, letting her hand slide down her face as the memory attack faded. Rusty and twisted ruins rose high in front of her, she'd stopped at an old battle-ruined Decepticon city. Looking up at the tall spires, her mind took a dramatic shift, one from the loss of her mate and child to the question: what if I could be with them too?

Still despondent but with the spark of contemplation growing to a flame and heading quickly to an inferno, the femme walked over the cracked street and through the twisted ruins, noting the possibilities they held. She paused at a cement wall that was streaked in long-dried energon and had several claw marks from Seeker talons. She held up her hand and placed it on the cool surface over a slash mark, leaving a small smear of fresh energon from where her own digits had sliced open her hand.

"It's my fault you're dead, I should've..." Hayli said, blaming herself as she slid her hand from the stone and leaped into a small clear area.The dust skidded in small eddies around her feet as her heels cut thin prints into the ground. A large drop-off some yards away caught her attention and she walked towards it, standing on the edge and looking down.

Darkness was the first greeter, the hole was obviously a combination of a building collapse and an artillery crater, and it was extremely deep. Hayli flicked on the headlights set in her shoulders and knelt on the edge of the hole, peering down. The high powered lights cut into the blackness and revealed huge twisted spires of metal at the bottom from support beams, some had been sheared in half and left them as jagged points rising to the dusty sky. Hayli stood, her mind finally just letting go.

"That was my last fight...and this...is my end..." she said in a whisper to herself. Hayli drew her katana from her hip, raising it over her head and plunging the honed tip into the ground at the lip of the crater, more as her final grave marker than anything else. She slowly slid her hand from the hilt she'd become so comfortable with and had fought so many battles holding tightly to it. Tilting her head to the sky, she looked up at the faint outline's of Cybertron's two moons, holding their beauty as the last thing in her mind, she slipped off the edge.

Completely expecting to feel a spire punch through her frame in a few moments, she was unprepared when her fall was abruptly stopped by a hand wrapping around her wrist. Her momentum caused her to thump against the wall of the crater, and she whipped her gaze up to the interloper. Hope surged in her spark when she saw the white hand supporting her, but as her gaze traveled upwards it was quickly crushed out. The mech that had stopped her fall she did not recognize; he was lying on his chest over the edge of the crevasse, his hand clutching her arm. With little effort, he pulled her back over the side and sat her a ways away on the dirt. The white and red mech, similar in color to her mate but much different in design, silently went to her katana buried in the ground and released it from its intended resting place. Hayli kept her gaze numbly on the ground, a small piece of her mind realizing the mech made no noise while he walked.

"I think this is yours? It's a beautiful sword, more well crafted than my own." her 'rescuer' said, kneeling on the ground and offering her sword to her in both hands. Hayli took it without a word, shifting around and sheathing it on her left hip.

"Why did you do that? Why save me when you don't know me?" Hayli asked, not looking up at the mech kneeling in front of her.

"I could've let you fall, but there's...something about you that intrigued me. You carry yourself with grace and pride, even though your mind is clouded enough to prompt you to take your own life. I noticed you don't make a sound either, and with your weapon, well, I think it's safe to assume you trained as a cyber-ninja. I trained myself in the ways, but I'm surprised you never caught on to my presence." he said.

"Well, when all you can think about is your own sparkling being murdered before your eyes, but not after losing contact with your spark mate completely, it's a little bit hard to concentrate on your surroundings." Hayli growled. "To whom do I owe the 'pleasure' of having my life?" she said, threat woven into her voice.

"I'm called Drift, didn't used to be...but that's a story for another time." he said, getting to his feet and holding out his hand to her. "You've obviously got a story to tell too, come. If you thought it the time to end your existence, why not start a new one?" Drift said. The broken femme hesitated, then placed her hand in his and was helped to her feet. She only then realized that the small wounds on her palm had broken open and were bubbling energon, as well as a gash she hadn't felt on her thigh that was oozing as well. It must have gotten there when she smacked into the crater wall. Drift noticed and dropped her hand.

"I've got a friend that can fix those." Drift said, putting a hand to his commlink. "Kup, this sector is clear, but I'm bringing someone back...no she's not a prisoner...tell Perceptor we need his medic skills for a few moments when we get there... no...that's not..." he sighed deeply, rubbing a hand across his faceplate, "just send us a bridge, alright?...okay?... see you in a few." Drift said, disconnecting. Hayli looked at him with a raised optic ridge, and noticed with surprise that he wasn't staring at her empty optic socket like most, though she didn't have time to say anything before a ground bridge swirled open in front of them.

"Follow me." Hayli did as she was told, stopping at the very edge of the bridge.

"Where...where are we going?" she asked. Drift looked over his shoulder with a small smirk.

"Ever heard of the Wreckers?"

….

Well, this took much longer to write than I expected, but I'm fairly happy with the turnout. Don't worry, I know there was a lot of sadness and depression in this first chapter but that's nothing like Hayli's personality usually is. You'll get to meet the real side of her a while later. I hope you all like this as much as I liked writing it, and I love when people write reviews! I respond to them all (unless it's a guest XD)