A/N 5.26.14: For those of you who are returning readers who got the 'Chapter 2' update in their inbox, the rewritten version is the first chapter. For some reason Fanfiction is not letting people know that I'm reposting/fixing the first chapter of these stories. Thanks for your attention, love, and reviews!

A/N: Don't own Dragon Age or these characters at all

So I was sorting through some old files and found this story. It is one of the first Dragon Age fanfictions I wrote. It was essentially done so instead of trying rewrite or change anything about it I decided I'd post it as a sort of: this is how I started.

Anyhoos, please be kind, read and review!

"What hurts the most was being so close,

And havin' so much to say and watchin' you walk away

And never knowin' what could've been

And not seein' that lovin' you,

Is what I was trying to do"

~What Hurts the Most—Rascal Flatts

It was obvious if any of them knew what they were looking for.

Aveline watched as Hawke returned to the starting position in front of the training dummy. Jaya Hawke's hand flexed around the hilt of her sword a few times; staring straight ahead but the Guard-Captain would bet she didn't even see the mannequin. In a split second, she launched herself forward, a blaze of ice cascading down her weapon as she moved.

Her form was flawless, parrying here, stabbing at a second 'attacking' dummy there, spinning, fire flying off her free hand across the room at a third mannequin while her blade sliced into the first. Each hit caused the training dummies to glow a light purple, testament of the protective runes Jaya had told Sandal to carve and enchant.

A loud bark sounded and Aveline was nearly shoved to the side by the mabari that was pressing his cold nose against the Guard-Captain's hand, searching for another piece of mutton. Jaya turned, spell cackling at her fingertips but wisely stopped. She straightened, looking up at Aveline, her sharp breaths silent.

"Hawke," Aveline greeted coming down the stairs.

Jaya gave a small nod before walking to a bench that was pressed in a small alcove where a canteen, scabbard, and towel sat. Sheathing her blade, she picked up the towel and wiped the sweat off her forehead.

As Aveline drew closer, she noticed several other things about the room. The first was a small pile of obliterated mannequins, shoved off to one side, scorched, frosted, or shattered. The second was how exhausted Hawke looked when the mage turned to face her. Jaya's face was pale and damp, stray strands of brown hair sticking to the skin. Dark circles rimmed her eyes and the normally vibrant blue was dull.

"I see you were serious when you told me you were turning your cellar into a training room," Aveline was at a loss of what to say, all thoughts of why she was actually there fleeing as she studied Hawke.

Jaya took a sip from the canteen. "What do you need?"

Her brow furrowed. "Some bandits attacked a few caravans coming into the city," she replied. Jaya turned her back to Aveline. "Thought I'd give you first crack at dealing with them,"

Nodding, Jaya took her sword. "I'll take care of it,"

Aveline followed Hawke out of the cellar. "Are you well?"

For the briefest of seconds Jaya paused, if she hadn't been walking behind her, Aveline wouldn't have even noticed. "I'm fine." The answer was hollow. Entering the manor through the door to the vault, Hawke went to the foyer. "Do you want to come along?"

Aveline couldn't help but staring at Hawke. Hawke's movements were mechanical, buckling her belt and assuring that her medicinal pouch was stocked. "Depends if you're taking Fenris," Jaya twitched at the name but Aveline didn't notice. "I'd suggest that a warrior in the group would not go amiss."

Jaya looked at her curiously.

"Accounts are shaky at best but we were told when they hit, they hit hard. Swarming from all sides, coordinated," the Guard-Captain explained, watching Hawke slide a small dagger into her boot.

"Isabela and Varric then?" One was better at subterfuge, the other at damage, both assets. Jaya took her weapon and headed for the door. "Shall we?"

It was there in her actions.

Varric eyed the stiff gait of the woman in front of him. Far more reminiscent of the heavily armored Guard-Captain, Hawke's steps were determined. Something was off about her and he couldn't quite put his finger on what.

"Psst," Isabela nudged him. "I've got some of it written down now,"

He raised his brows. "Give it here," The pirate smirked at the Guard-Captains back as she passed the papers over. Varric skimmed the writing. "'Her breasts strained against the leather jerkin like two wild stallions corralled against their will,'" Chuckling at the imagery, he continued. "'She pounced—the smooth moves of a jungle cat—and locked her thighs around Donnic's waist. He—'"

Aveline stopped and whirled around to face them. "What?"

"Nothing," Isabela said quickly stepping in front of Varric so he had time to stash the papers out of sight.

"What is that?" Aveline was not fooled.

Not one to miss a possibly dramatic moment, Varric immediately supplied: "Isabela just thought she'd celebrate your love affair with a…written dedication,"

"It's 'friend-fiction'!" Isabela announced. "I do it out of love,"

Aveline groaned. "I will never, ever be clean again."

Hawke held up a fisted hand causing them to fall silent. Her head was tilted to the side, listening. Suddenly she threw out her other hand, a shield flickering into view seconds before something hit it and exploded. The shockwave sent them staggering slightly. Dropping the shield, she drew her sword as bandits came up around them.

"Well, well, well, who knew we warranted the attention of the Guard-Captain herself," one of the bandits came forward, leering at Aveline. "Come to put a stop to us, slap us on the hands and scold us for our naughty, naughty ways?"

Aveline readied her shield and weapon. "You have one chance," Hawke spoke, her eyes shifting from person to person as she formed a plan. "Surrender and let Aveline take you in," Her grip on her blade tightened. "Or let me deal with you,"

The bandit leader sneered. "There's four of you and fifteen of me, your odds or not so great," he motioned to his group that had circled them.

"I've had worse," She said with a shrug. "So what's it going to be?"

Hawke spotted the movement before any of the others did, an archer hidden in the brush. Flinging herself to the side, she dodged the arrow and thrust her free hand forward. An ice spike shot from the ground, impaling the man. Without a seconds pause, she swung her sword around and decapitated the man beside her.

"Kill them all!" the bandit leader exclaimed.

The bandits swarmed them, more appearing from the hillside. Aveline smashed her shield into a group of three, knocking them back so that Varric could clear a couple that had surrounded him. Isabela disappeared into a puff of smoke, darting through the shadows she made to kill from behind. Hawke funneled magic through her sword, parrying and slicing the bandits that dared attack her.

"Oo, clumsy!" Isabela shouted as one of the bandits stumbled allowing her to kill him.

"From stealth! Look behind you Hawke!" Aveline grunted blocking two bandits.

Hawke spun, barely missing being stabbed in the back. One of the daggers the bandits wielded sliced into her arm. The mage didn't even flinch. A blast of energy sent him and two others flying. Conjuring a ball of fire in her palm, she heaved it toward the hill that housed three more archers. The sound of them screaming drowned the battle field.

Numbers thinned until only three remained: one mage, the leader, and a warrior; Hawke's hand reflexively flexed on the hilt. Recklessly, she charged forward, startling Aveline who had been about to do the same. The clang of Hawke's weapon reverberated about the field. A crushing prison had enveloped the enemy mage and she was fighting the other two without pausing.

Varric fired Bianca. His heart jumped into his throat when he saw Hawke fly across the path, her blade impaling one of them. The arrow imbedded itself into her arm. Hawke didn't even grimace as she broke the arrow off immediately attacked another bandit in one fluid movement. Without stopping, she dropped the spell and shoved her sword backward into the enemy mage's gut. She held it for a moment; her breaths were sharp and silent. Wordlessly she withdrew the blade, the man falling to his knees and then the ground, dead.

"Can we get their stuff now?" Isabela asked coming forward.

Aveline tore her eyes away from Hawke. "No," Isabela pouted. "Some of the things are stolen and will be returned,"

Hawke looked at the two of them as they bickered, her face impassible. "If you need anything else," she addressed Aveline as she sheathed her bloody weapon. Aveline nodded, distracted as she searched the leader.

Varric frowned watching Hawke walk back to the city alone. Something was off about her.

It was there in her lies.

Anders was staring at the door again, as though his will alone would make her walk through it at any moment. Varric nudged him and the mage shook his head, sparing a glance at his cards before he folded.

"Hawke's not coming, Blondie." The dwarf said quietly. He looked at Varric with a frown. "She's out on another job,"

He shifted in his seat, the alcohol he was idly sipping was making it hard to ignore Justice's thoughts. "When was the last time she came in?" Anders asked.

Varric froze, thinking it over. "About two weeks maybe,"

Isabela leaned across the table, making sure Anders got an eyeful. "Anyone else notice how little Fenris is around?" The blonde mage tightened his grip on his cards. "Are you thinking what I'm thinking?"

"Oh, is this a guessing game?" Merrill asked happily.

"Varric," a voice from the doorway caused the dwarf to pause mid bet.

"Aveline, what are you doing here?" He peered behind her. "Did you manage to drag Hawke here?"

The redhead frowned. "Hawke? I came here to ask if you'd seen her,"

A somber mood quickly replaced the jovial one. "What?" he huffed. "When I asked her earlier she said she was out with you tonight," Isabela wagged her eyebrows, mouthing Fenris' name to Anders. "Hawke isn't with you,"

Aveline gave a firm shake of her head. "I wanted to know if you knew where she was." The dwarf quirked a brow at her questioningly. "I've had reports streaming in for the last two weeks, bandits showing up dead left and right. Lowtown has been cleared; my guardsmen haven't had trouble patrolling there for the last three nights. The Docks have been empty longer."

Varric quickly turned his attention to the group. "None of us I assume," Three heads gave the negative response. "That's can't be where Hawke's been each night,"

Merrill smiled. "That must be where she and Fenris have been, working together,"

"Aye, kitten," Isabela winked at Anders. "That must be what two adults do at night to relieve tension," Anders jerked, glaring hotly at the pirate, hating how she knew exactly which strings to pull.

"Fenris isn't with her," Aveline countered. All eyes were on her again. "I've just come from him," she explained. "I thought if Hawke was clearing the bandits he'd be with her but he says he hasn't seen her," Isabela pouted her teasing deflating. "I was hoping to find her here,"

Anders lowered his cards. "Do you think we should look for her?"

Letting out a sigh, Aveline shook her head. "She's meeting the Viscount tomorrow and asked me to come with her, I'll talk to her then," And with that she left.

"Do you think Hawke is alright?" Merrill asked timidly.

Isabela smiled at her. "I'm sure she's fine, kitten. Hawke can take care of herself," The pirate flipped a coin over her knuckles. "Are we going to play?"

"I fold," Anders threw his cards toward the pile. He reached toward his mug and sipped the liquid within. "Don't think I didn't see you steal those cards, Isabela,"

"Who me?" she batted her eyes at him innocently.

Anders waved his hands at her. "Cease with your lying, woman. You fool no one,"

Something was broken inside her.

Fenris was unsettled. Part of him wanted to brush off Aveline's visit, believe what she did; Hawke was simply at the Hanged Man but something felt wrong. He had worked hard pushing Hawke from his mind. After he left her bed in the middle of the night, he spent the next two days drunk, trying to rid himself of what he had done. When he got sober the world seemed off kilter.

He desperately wanted to brush off what happened between them as nothing, hoping to convince himself that the night they spent was nothing to her and she would appear at his door demanding his blade like before. Only she never came. Each day, despite himself, he hoped, prayed even, that he would see her. He knew she still took jobs, a game or two with Varric proved it.

Two weeks, it was the longest since the Deep Roads he had gone without seeing her.

Jerking as though that thought fueled him, Fenris got up and swept his blade onto his back as he headed toward the door. Aveline was not the first to bring up idle concerns when it came to Hawke. Varric had mentioned it off handed the last time Fenris came for Wicked Grace; Sebastian had commented when the two last talked, the Chantry Brother idly wondering if there was a reason Fenris was never with them on jobs anymore; even Merrill, who had run into him in the Lowtown market, had asked if he knew why Hawke was acting so strangely.

Half storming into Hightown, his mind raced through the possibilities of where Hawke could be. Taking a back path toward Lowtown, he kept to the shadows, hoping he could find and observe her; trying to convince himself that his pull toward this mage was because of concern for her safety, not for any feelings he might have.

A spell hit the wall near him, causing Fenris to recoil, retrieving his blade. Peering into the alley he blinked, stunned at the sight. She was alone in full armor, hair pulled back from her eyes, a spell in her hand. A group of thugs surrounded her, out numbering Hawke badly but she barely seemed to notice. Her spells blasted the never ending supply of enemies, her sword slicing into those that got too close.

Cursing in Arcanum, Fenris drew his blade, launching himself into the fight. The same unison they had gained in battle over the years fell into place. Her magic decimating all that came near her and his greatsword killing those that dared to attack her. When the battle ended she stood next to him panting slightly, staring at the ground. His tattoos remained lit as he took in the sight.

There was a gash on her bicep that was bleeding. Her leather armor had a cut around her ribs that was stained red. Along her forehead was a graze that had left a trail of blood going down her cheek.

In one movement she sheathed her sword and started to walk away. Blatantly ignoring him and the help he had given.

"What do you think you are doing?" He hissed. She didn't answer him. Fenris hurried after her, racing down the stairs trying to catch her before she disappeared into Lowtown. Grabbing her by the arm he forced her to face him. "Do you have a death wish?" Something stabbed at his heart when he looked at her, truly looked at her for the first time since the night he had left her.

Her eyes were dead, two blue orbs of numbness. "I did not ask for your help." Her words were slow and deliberately spoken.

"You could have been killed."

"I had it in hand."

Fenris felt his temper spike. He squeezed her arm at her injury, taking no satisfaction in her murmur of pain. "I see that." He snarled.

Jaya pulled herself from his grasp. "What do you care?" He blinked. "Go away." She started to turn.

"No." She froze at the word. "I will not go away." He circled her so he could see her face again. "Not until you tell me why,"

"Why what?"

He motioned behind her towards the litter of dead bodies she had left in her wake. "You went out at night, alone, and sought bandits,"

"What do you want from me?" She sounded defeated.

"To know why!"

Hawke looked at him with empty eyes. "This is what I do, Fenris. I slit throats and loot corpses. I pick up odd jobs my friends need me to." She stated as though she was talking about the weather. "I'm a weapon waiting to be pointed at the next target,"

Fenris felt something twist in his chest. Those words were far too close to ones he used to describe himself. "You are not a weapon,"

Turning away from him, Jaya looked at the death she had left. "I'm not a fool, Fenris. I do not lie to myself any longer." He stared. "Aveline needed help to get her away from the Blight, another weapon between her and the darkspawn. Varric needed me for protection in the Deep Roads, weapon." She listed. "Anders needed help with the rescue of an apostate, Merrill protection in the city, Sebastian to kill raiders, Isabela help against people who wanted to kill her, and," For the first time since he confronted her emotion seeped into her face. "And you need help against Danarius."

"Hawke," he tried but failed.

"I've accepted what I am, Fenris." She turned to face him. His heart ached at the blank look on her face. He would give anything to see the playful spark in her eyes again. "So I ask you, what do you want from me?"

What did he want? He wasn't even sure. "I did not mean to hurt you," he whispered only aware that he had spoken out loud when the first emotion he had seen her with spasmed across her face. Pain, sharp longing, she quickly buried it behind a mask again. "Hawke," he whispered. "Jaya," there again emotion spread on her face.

"Don't," the word was ground out laced with all the unexpressed feelings she had. "You don't get to stand there looking at me like that," Without warning she suddenly lashed out at him, shoving him. "Stop looking at me like that!"

Fenris was stunned for a moment, allowing her fists to shower him with hits before he deftly grabbed her by the wrists and stopped her. She struggled against him, kicking him. In two steps he pushed her against the wall, trying to still her movements. The moment his body pinned her she froze, staring somewhere around his shoulder.

He became acutely aware that this was how it had started, how he had pushed her and she kissed him. Her breaths were coming in short gasps as though she had just exerted herself. Meeting his eye, she trembled.

"Did it mean nothing to you?" her voice shook. "Was it a mistake to you?"

He blinked. Was that what she thought?

"Did it mean nothing?"

Fenris flinched, releasing her and taking a step back. The heartbreak that tore across her face nearly killed him.

Jaya swallowed hard and then did it again. "Then there is nothing more to say." She said curtly. She started to leave again but unwillingly he blocked her path once more. "Step aside," her voice shook.

"You're going to get yourself killed." He reasoned. Yes that was why he was so determined to stop her.

A single tear ran down her face. "Who cares?"

His green eyes widened. "Damn it, Hawke. Stop this! Why are you acting like this?"

"Because it wasn't nothing to me!" she exclaimed looking up at him with fiery blue eyes. Shaking her head, she looked down, trying to stem the flow of tears. "That night meant everything to me, Fenris." Biting her lip, she seemed to be fighting her emotions. "I understand that it must be difficult for you to gain everything, only to lose it all again. But I can't," her voice cracked. "I can't pretend like everything is all right, I can't pretend that seeing you walk away wasn't the most painful thing I've ever experienced."

He took a step back. "Hawke," he tried but then realized he didn't know what to say.

"I guess I always imagined it to feel different." She whispered more to herself than him. "Falling in love was supposed to be this amazing tale,"

Fenris gaped at her, his heart pounding. She loved him?

"We were so close." Hawke said softly.

Suddenly she looked up at him. She was across the space between them in less than a second, pressing her lips to his. Her hand slid along his neck as she funneled her passion into the kiss. Fenris felt warm and cold all at the same time, the familiar sort of panic pushing through the pleasure.

Hawke pulled away looking at him, searching his face. "Tell me you didn't feel anything," she demanded. "Tell me that kiss meant nothing to you,"

Fenris opened his mouth and then closed it, unable to form any sound. "Hawke," his voice sounded strange even to his own ears. "It wasn't nothing to me."

Her lower lip trembled. "But you still aren't going to stay."

He bowed his head, regret and shame filling him once again. "I can't."

She turned her head away, tears now flowing freely down her cheeks. Working something out of her pocket, she handed it over to him. "I will keep my promise." She said quietly. "If you need aid against Danarius, I will be by your side." Hawke looked him in the eyes, her emotionless mask reforming over her face. "Beyond that," she took a step back. "There is nothing more between us." And with that, Jaya Hawke walked away.

Fenris didn't know how long he stared after her, unable to move, stop her, call her back, anything. He wanted to shout at her, make her understand that it wasn't that he didn't feel anything for her, he felt more than he could possibly express. But he couldn't be with her; it wasn't fair to her.

He finally looked down at what she handed him and immediately felt his heart wrench in his chest. In his hand was the red scarf he had seen her admiring before all this had happened. Fenris had purchased it as a gift, one he had loved to see her wear in her hair, holding back the black locks.

Closing his eyes, Fenris crumbled the scarf, wanting to toss it aside as though she meant nothing to him. But he couldn't. Fumbling, he tied it around his wrist. As he walked back to the manor he stole, Fenris slowly began to realize what he had walked away from.

It was in that moment he finally understood how he had broken her.