Clarisse's Diary, Entry 1
August 18th

Let me get this straight. I am not sentimental. I am not going to be all 'Dear diary this' and 'Dear diary that'. I was given this by my mom. I have never used it. Until now. Honestly I don't know why I'm writing this right now, it's a stupid diary. But I need to vent so here it is. After what happened to her, I need to vent.
Where should I start? I know. The day of Beckendorf's death. That way I can clear up things. Yeah, get this off my chest.

She was so fragile; after Beckendorf died. Silena was in tears. It was an hour after Beckendorf's death, and gods Silena was so fragile. She was the only fragile thing I had never broken.
She ran into the woods, her mascara running down her cheeks and her form shuddering. She was moving fast but I chased after her. She was my—was my only friend after all.
She at last collapsed by the canoe lake and was still crying. Panting a little, I sat down next to her.
"Sil?" I asked quietly. That was my nickname for her. I put a protective arm around her.
"I-I killed Beckendorf!" She sobbed. I raised an eyebrow but assumed she was just being ridiculous.
"No you didn't. That spy did. I swear when I find 'im, he's dead" I said confidently but that just made her cry harder. I frowned. I didn't have much experience comforting people. I was more of a 'Get-up-you-pussy!' kind of person, but Silena was different. She needed comfort. So I did one thing I knew— I kissed her.
It wasn't a kiss on the lips, just a soft kiss on her forehead. The only soft thing I knew how to do. Her crying subsided a little and next thing I knew, I was kissing her all over. Her ears, her forehead, her cheeks— I kissed away her tears and was tentative. I didn't want her to think I was taking advantage of her; which is why I didn't dare kiss her lips. I just wanted her to stop crying.
At last she did stop and just stayed shuddering in my arms. Gods I thought I'd be dead if my father had seen that. I rubbed circles in the small of her back like she had when I was getting over Chris. She had more or less moved into my lap and had her head resting on my chest. A pair of curious naiads poked their heads out of the water to see what was happening, but I gave them my best death stare and they went back under.
Suddenly Silena turned around in my lap and kissed my lips. My eyes widened as she pushed me onto the ground. Slowly though, my eyes slid shut. This had happened only once before.

It had happened long before The Battle Of The Labyrinth; I was still getting over the fact Chris had joined Kronos's army. On the outside I was acting tough and strong but on the inside I was heartbroken— for I had a huge crush on Chris. Only Silena saw through my tough guise. She got me alone and I'd like to say I still acted tough, that I didn't let her in. But I did in a big way. I broke down crying. She held me close then after I stopped crying, she kinda started staring into my eyes and then we kinda started kissing.
Back to the canoe lake.

I had my arms wrapped around her waist and she had her hands in my hair. She angled her head and deepened the kiss. I welcomed it. Oh gods… I thought Oh gods…
She broke the kiss and just stayed lying on top of me. Our breathing had shortened some. I had closed my eyes and laid my head down in the grass.
"I love you" Silena whispered. My eyes widened. I should have said 'I love you too' right back. But I was too shocked. She got off me and walked back to camp. I stayed there for several minutes after what happened.

Gods I was an idiot!

Here I am now, hating myself. I hate myself; because I caused Silena's death. I should have listened to her. I should have also told her what I meant to say. I should have. When she was there dying in my arms. I should have told her. But I didn't. Her last words were the person she betrayed name. And I cried in front of everyone. Chris dared to try and comfort me. Annabeth was the one who brought me to my senses.
"We have to fight" She said her voice cracking "She gave her life to help us. We have to honor her"
I sniffled and wiped my nose.
"She was a hero, understand? A hero" I growled. I set down Silena and charged into battle.

So here I am, hours after the carnage sitting down by the canoe lake recollecting my thoughts and I realizing something. I did break her. I broke the only thing I loved. There's no point in this now but I'm gonna get it off my chest. I'm gonna say it so when I'm old, I know I did. Okay here it goes:
Silena...I love you too