Shaundi's Row: The Third, Starring Shaundi

Written by TehShizzle

Based upon Saints Row: The Third, a video game developed by Deep Silver Volition and published by Deep Silver; formerly published by THQ

Saints Row: The Third, its characters and any other related property belongs to Deep Silver Volition and Deep Silver

A/N: This is my first Saints Row fanfic, so constructive criticism is appreciated. For the most part, this fic will follow the exact events that occur in Saints Row: The Third, though there will be differences when the time calls for it.

Conquest: the story of human history.

Since time immemorial, great leaders have risen from humble beginnings to…

…do shit.

And so it was with the THIRD STREET SAINTS. Since conquering Stilwater, the once small-time street gang has evolved into a media empire.

A Saints movie is in development, JOHNNY GAT and SHAUNDI are pop culture icons, and Pierce…

…well, who gives a fuck about Pierce?

The point is, the Saints are on the world stage, and every criminal organization wants to take their crown.

It was only a matter of time before one of them took the fight to the Saints…

When Good Heists Go Bad…

In an elevator at the Stilwater 1st National Bank, an unknown brown-haired man displayed a commercial to Johnny Gat and Shaundi, two of the Saints' top lieutenants, for the recently-released Saints Flow energy drink on his smartphone, displaying fellow Saints lieutenant Pierce Washington, by taking a sip of the energy drink while being brutalized by several thugs, effortlessly gaining the ability to fend off the thugs using Dragon Ball Z-like attacks and dunk a basketball into a hoop shortly thereafter, then striking a pose with the can, yelling "Super-excellent!" as colorful Japanese symbols filled the screen.

"Japanese commercials: easiest money you'll ever make," the man confidently stated, his attitude suggesting the commercial was his idea. In response to the advertisement, Shaundi slightly shook her head in disgust while Johnny appeared as though he couldn't have cared less about the advertisement. She honestly thought the nature of the commercial was outright ridiculous, to say the least, but if it sells, then it sells, apparently. After dismissing the commercial as an afterthought, Johnny reached down to the brown duffel bag placed in front of the trio and pulled two glistening silver pistols from its insides: two .45 Shepherds, to be exact, which was the trademark pistol and an outright essential weapon for any Saint.

"Grand larceny's right up there," he replied as he handed the two silver pistols to the man. When it came to making money, he always preferred doing it the old-school way: by raising hell and ultimately stirring shit up. Johnny then pulled a TEZ K-10, another trademark Saint gun of choice, out of the bag. "You ready for this?" He asked him as he handed the submachine gun to Shaundi.

"No worries," the man coolly replied while twirling the pistols in his hands as if they were toys, "I do my own stunts," and placed the two .45 Shepherds in the empty sockets of the pistol holsters that were attached to his jeans.

Shaundi scoffed to herself after witnessing the actor's behavior. She could already tell she wasn't going to like this guy. "Hey, you're just a ride-along, man," she coldly remarked to him while checking the submachine gun to ensure it was loaded and tuning the voice changer hooked over her choker, "so don't get all Hong Kong-style in there."

"I am a method actor!" He replied in a confident tone once more while giving her a stern look with his dull, brown eyes. "If I'm gonna portray a Saint with any degree of emotional truth," he continued while also tuning his voice changer placed on his neck, "I've gotta make it real!" He finished while Shaundi scoffed in disgust, as if saying "Oh, please…" which wasn't too far off from what she was thinking.

Suddenly, the doors of an elevator opened, revealing the boss of the Third Street Saints. "Trust me, Birk," he calmly reassured the actor in an unrecognizable tone while cocking a TEK Z-10 in his hands, "it'll be real," he finished as he placed the loaded gun to his side.

Birk was nearly taken completely aback by the boss' appearance and voice. Not only did his voice changer make his voice sound completely compared to himself and the boss' lieutenants in terms of how the device morphed it, but he was dressed in a mascot outfit that completely resembled Johnny Gat from head-to-toe, except that it was intentionally oversized for comedic effect and appeared to be bearing a color scheme that was extremely vibrant compared to the duller colors of the original outfit it resembled. Behind him, Johnny and Shaundi were placing their identical mascot masks on as well, which were contained inside the duffel bag under the guns that Johnny had previously pulled out.

"You're robbing a bank… dressed as yourselves?" He asked in a curious tone, unsure of whether to currently view the vault theft seriously or as a joke. Behind his mask, Johnny smirked and nodded his now-oversized head at Birk's question. "Hell yeah, who doesn't wanna be Johnny Gat?" He answered in his disguised voice.

With that comment from Johnny, a wild grin suddenly stretched Birk's lips. "Ultra-post modernism…" he replied while placing his own Johnny Gat mascot mask over his head, effectively concealing his face. "I love it!" Having fallen in love with the Saints' idea, he suddenly found great enjoyment in performing the vault theft in this manner, and with that being said, the four began approached the doors heading into the bank's main hall. While nearing said doors, Shaundi couldn't help but feel even more annoyed by Birk's arrogance than previously before.

"Listen, boss," she began, "I'm cool with the Saints movie, but do we really have to drag this asshole actor around?" She asked the boss in a slightly annoyed tone, being sure to place enough emphasis on 'asshole' to let Birk know what she truly thought about him.

The boss immediately reacted to her remark with a simple wave of his pink-gloved hand. "Cut Josh some slack, he's just researching his part," he replied in a way that made it seem like he was trying to tune her out.

"Ugh… I hope he signed a waiver," Shaundi responded in slight defeat, realizing that arguing with the boss wouldn't change a damn thing.

Once the three Saints and Birk were within the main hall of the Stilwater 1st National Bank, the boss fired some warning shots with his TEK Z-10 to catch the attention of everyone else present in the hall. This seemingly prompted Birk to jump onto the reception desk, as if filming for a movie had begun, and it was his cue to take action.

"Nobody moves, nobody dies!" He evilly exclaimed while pointing his pistols at the receptionist, causing her eyes to widen and immediately raise her arms in surrender and panic without a moment's hesitation.

"Birk!" Johnny yelled, seemingly annoyed at the actor's action. It seemed that for Johnny, Birk had either done something wrong or just happened to piss him off. Knowing Johnny, it wouldn't have been a surprise if the latter was closer to the truth.

"Sorry, jumped his line," Birk quickly apologized. His next question, "Can we… uh, go again?" prompted Johnny and Shaundi to quickly facepalm at his behavior, acting as though it was possible to perform a retake. Meanwhile, the boss was ignoring the actor's stupidity and remained completely focused on the vault theft. "Alright people, you all know the drill," the boss announced as he slowly approached the front desk, but noticed a fan who wanted a picture.

"Can I get a picture with the boss?" The fan asked upon viewing the boss, who was nearing his way.

Shaundi walked in front of the fan who was now standing next to the boss, already smiling for the camera. "Say 'sleaze'!" She replied while taking the picture with her iPhone. Meanwhile, Birk was now at the boss' intended location, the booths in the back of the bank's main hall, threatening an old lady with one of the .45 Shepherds previously provided by Johnny. "Get in line, bitch!" He yelled at the elderly woman with the pistol pointed directly at her face, the barrel only inches away from touching it.

"Hey, don't be a dick!" Shaundi shouted at him, placing a sharp emphasis on 'dick'. Despite being just as guilty with crimes as much as her fellow lieutenants and the boss himself, she found threatening harmless people, especially senior citizens, to be classless and cruel. They never meant any harm, so why harm them in the first place?

"You guys call yourselves gangbangers?" Birk mocked the trio, criticizing how they were acting nothing like they used to, especially Shaundi's retort. "You're a bunch of pussies!" He then cocked his pistols and turned around in a stealth-like manner, ready to kill the elderly woman as if he was Solid Snake. "We should all be up in their shit like-"

Birk cut himself off when he noticed that the old lady whom he previously threatened had suddenly pulled out a pistol of her own, pointed right at the gap between his eyebrows, ready to blow his brains out. However, upon closer inspection, the pistol the lady wielded was identified as being different in size and color from the .45 Shepherd they always used. It was a KA-1 Kobra, the preferred pistol of choice for law enforcement, and the lady was beginning to pull the trigger.

"FUCK!" He exclaimed in panic as he immediately ducked, avoiding the incoming bullet by mere inches. The sound of the KA-1 Kobra going off instantly caught the attention of Johnny, Shaundi, and the boss, as each person standing behind the booths each had their own KA-1 Kobra loaded. Hearing sudden footsteps, they locked their eyes onto the upper staircase in the background and noticed figures heading toward their level, silhouetted by the windows that shielded them from danger.

"Well, that's different…" The boss said in an observant tone, noticing the action occurring around him and the others. Without any hesitation, the four retreated for cover behind the receptionist desk to avoid the eventual gunfire. Unfortunately, they didn't have a plan.

Or did they?

"You got a plan or are we just shooting all these motherfuckers?" Johnny asked the boss.

"That is my plan." He replied, the claim being all but truthful.

Johnny didn't buy the boss' reply at first, but went along with it anyway due to his insane craving for murder. "Works for me!" He shouted as he stood to punch the nearest person in the face, who was one of the bank's security guards, and used him as a human shield. Johnny's action had prompted the others to stand on their feet, and together they engaged in a battle that involved a large exchange of bullets from the Saints' TEZ K-10s, Birk's .45 Shepherds, and the bank's KA-1 Kobras.

As the battle in the bank started, Johnny interrogated one of the bank's male employees.

"Where's the vault?!" He exclaimed at the man with a hand on his neck, threatening to choke his life out if he didn't give the correct answer.

"Go to Hell," the man instantly retorted.

The insult immediately pissed Johnny off, causing him to retort with "You wanna play, motherfucker?" and blasted the man away, sending his lifeless body crashing into one of the bank's large statues, which resembled a horse, for some strange reason.

"Oh my God, Johnny!" Shaundi exclaimed at Johnny's actions with widened eyes as the statue crashed to the ground. "You seriously couldn't wait to kill that guy until we found out who he was?"

Johnny chose not to respond, and dismissed her question with an "Eh," and returned to increasing his kill count. The more, the merrier.

Birk, still crouched behind the bank's front desk, began to panic and muttered things such as "Uh… we're gonna die, aren't we?"

Shaundi silently laughed at the actor's change in behavior. "What happened to 'I do my own stunts'?" The boss mocked him in the meantime, somewhat disgusted yet somewhat amused by his reactions to the bank heist.

"Hey, do these look like scripts to you?" Birk tried to defend himself, realizing that the vault theft was for real and not just some publicity stunt, which was what he was normally used to. Ignoring the actor's reply and noticing all the dead bodies in the bank's main hall, the boss, Shaundi, and Johnny rushed for the doors located behind the desk, with Birk slowly following suit. Within the next room, the four all stood side-by-side, and Birk had gained a sudden speed boost to become the closest to the double doors in front of them.

"Alright, you fuckers," he arrogantly readied himself to kick the doors open, "WE'RE COMIN' FOR YA!" Birk readied himself by placing a leg up for the kick, and struck the door, only to fall backwards in pain. Apparently his cocky attitude had gotten the best of him.

"Oh Jesus!" Birk winced while lying on the ground, clutching his leg in agony. Behind him, Shaundi, Johnny and the boss could be clearly seen facepalming at the actor's pathetic failure. While clearly hurting on the ground, Johnny looked down at his predicament and briefly flashed a smirk at his misery. "Birk, step back and let the pros show you how it's done, alright?" He asked yet seemingly threatened the actor at the same time. In the same spot where Birk once stood, Johnny effortlessly kicked the double doors open with his leg without a second of hesitation. The next room at the Stilwater 1st National Bank contained more bank employees who were armed with the exact same weapons as the employees in the previous room. Once the employees were in close range, the Saints continued their attack.

"I can't believe you launched that guy into a statue," Shaundi recalled the event to Johnny while shooting down some employees with her TEZ K-10.

"I can't believe you're still thinking about it," he replied in a comedic tone.

"Do you want to know who these people are?" Shaundi questioned Johnny in an almost threatening manner, something uncharacteristic for her to threaten him.

"Listen," the boss announced in a harsh tone, wanting the distracting bickering between the two to end, "all that matters is the vault. Let's find that and get the hell outta here." This prompted Shaundi and Johnny to cease their bickering and return their focus to the mission. As the three ran up the stairs in front of them, Birk was suddenly keeping up with them once more due to yet another random speed boost. "Is this what bank robberies are normally like for you guys?" He asked in-between heavy breaths.

"Not really. Normally, the tellers don't use fucking shotguns," Johnny replied, noticing how different this bank heist was compared to a normal one. Something definitely wasn't right here. Shaundi noticed the strangeness as well, and decided to pipe in. "Normally banks don't look like a palace, either. Did you see those statues before you blew them up?"

"Will you forget the horses?" Johnny snapped at her in an irritated manner. "These guards are packing military-grade hardware!"

"Who the hell are we robbing?" The boss asked, shooting down men who were now dressed like classy Europeans in black, red and pink. "A bunch of assholes!" Johnny instantly replied, assisting with the boss' shootout.

On the next flight of stairs, Shaundi was engaged in a battle of tug o' war with one of the Europeans over her TEK Z-10. The battle subsequently ended with Shaundi shoving the man against the wall and shooting his guts out with the SMG. Once the battle ended, Shaundi and the boss ran into the next room to find Birk clutching his knees with his hands and breathing heavily from exhaustion.

"I can't breathe," Birk stated, now kneeling on the carpet.

Shaundi replied by storming into the room and hastily removing his Johnny Gat mascot mask from his head while she did the same to her own but at a slower pace. Meanwhile, Johnny was standing directly in front of the vault, his mask removed as well, trying to crack it open with his bare fists, but to no avail.

"There's no way we're crackin' this thing," Johnny announced. "Ready for Plan B?"

The boss nodded in reply and ordered Birk over to his position.

"Got the tools right over here, homes," he said, removing the sack full of tools from his back. The boss forced the sack open, revealing its contents inside. "So, what's Plan B? We drill it?" He asked. "Fuck no. We blow it," Johnny stated with a chuckle, becoming excited over the change of plans.

"What?!" Birk gasped in surprise, eyes agape while the boss removed the contents from the sack. "Not cool, man!" The boss ended up removing a satchel charge from the sack. "Time to get to work," he announced, clutching the satchel charge in his hand.

"We'll need to set those above the vault," the boss stated as he ran up the stairs behind the others. "Hey… I think we've got company," Birk said, noticing more of the European goons at the top of the next flight of stairs. "It looks like they're coming in from the lobby," Shaundi added, preparing her TEZ K-10 once more.

"Shaundi," Birk randomly called out her name.

"What?" She immediately asked, annoyed at his very mention of her name.

"We… we need to talk," he suddenly announced, acting as though they were living their last seconds on Earth together.

"No, we don't." She immediately dismissed him with a sharp glare, not wanting to be bothered by him, or in this case, pissed off at him once more. Unfortunately, to her disappointment, he didn't properly receive the message and continued with his mindless banter. "It's just that if either of us die here, I don't want things to go… unsaid."

"I should be so lucky…" she coldly and sarcastically muttered under her breath.

As the boss entered the next room and ignored the bickering between the two, a woman dressed in Saints gear was standing with a magazine in her hand. Once he entered the room, she couldn't contain her excitement.

"Oh my God, you're the Saints! You have to sign this for me!" She shouted with glee, holding the magazine out to the boss. "Hey, anything for a fan," the boss said as he happily signed the magazine.

Suddenly, Birk, seemingly out of nowhere, was standing next to the girl and the boss. "Hey, I'm Josh Birk," he introduced. "Don't be starstruck, I'm very approachable. Do you want me to… sign your breasts?"

"Uh, no, that's alright," the girl calmly replied, "but I'd definitely be starstruck to get an autograph from Shaundi!"

"Aww, I'd be happy to sign that for you," Shaundi said as she entered the room and signed the magazine, placing her signature right next to the boss'. "Here you go," she said, giving the magazine back to the girl. "Now, you might wanna go, because we're about to blow up a bank vault, and we don't want any bystanders getting hurt," she calmly told her.

"Alright, thanks," she said, nodding toward Shaundi and running downstairs for the exit.

Immediately after that exchange ended, the boss set the satchel charge right below the vault and ignited it, creating a deafening explosion that partially destroyed the bank's roof and the floor above the vault. During the explosion, the three Saints and Birk ducked for cover to be safe, and the actor noticed a large, red button protruding from the bottom of one of the work desks. It was the button that, when pressed, would set off the bank's alarm for the SWAT Team.

At the same time, Shaundi, Johnny and the boss took notice of the gaping hole in the roof caused by the explosion, giving them a clear view of the Stilwater Hotel. "Let's get the chopper and lift this baby outta here," the boss stated, wanting to finally retrieve the vault.

"Hey guys, you can call off the helicopter; I've found a way to open the vault!" Birk happily announced to the Saints in a false tone. Johnny, who immediately knew the actor was lying and realized what he was referring to by 'opening the vault', yelled at Birk to not touch it but his order was ignored the second he uttered a single word, as a blaring alarm could be heard all throughout the bank, signaling the SWAT Team's arrival.

"Josh, are you trying to get us all jail time?" Shaundi angrily demanded, a finger pointed directly at him.

"What?" Birk asked in a falsely confused tone, briefly raising his arms. "I don't wanna be some dude's bitch!" He claimed as he dashed away from the scene, quietly laughing at his success.

"Do I have to go after him?" Shaundi impatiently asked Johnny.

"Forget about it, Shaundi, he'll be fine," he dismissed her. "We'll deal with him later."

"How long will it be until the chopper gets here?" Shaundi asked the boss, changing the subject.

"I don't know, probably after, like, two waves of SWAT guys?" He guessed.

"Good guess. That sounds about right," she agreed.

Near the windows, or where they once stood, armored SWAT Team members began descending from their black ropes to confront the Saints. Upon landing, a flashbang was tossed into the room, temporarily blinding the trio to give the SWAT Team the upper hand. However, just like the people who previously stood before them, they were easily killed by the three Saints, who were easily able to stand their ground. Following this were more SWAT Team members who replaced them.

"Just like old times, right Shaundi?" Johnny asked his fellow lieutenant while in the middle of combat.

"I'm gonna kill Birk if I see him again!" Shaundi shouted as she stood her ground, and at the same time nodding and smiling at Johnny's question.

"Aww, I thought you two really had something going there," the boss jokingly mocked.

"Oh, don't even go there," she commanded, annoyed at the boss' humor.

"Hey, just sayin'…" He trailed off, and returned his attention to the action.

Once again, more SWAT Team members entered the remains of the bank, except this time they were each armed with grenades, forcing Shaundi, Johnny and the boss to take cover. After the explosions subsided, they returned to their work as if it never happened.

"I haven't had this much fun in years!" Johnny excitedly exclaimed with a laugh, enjoying the absolute hell they were currently raising. "The chopper should be here soon," he suddenly stated in a calmer tone. "We've just gotta hold out for a little longer."

Following Johnny opening his mouth, more SWAT Team members busted upon the scene. "They've busted out the riot shields," Shaundi announced. "Fantastic." She sarcastically added.

After that remark, an attack helicopter suddenly rose from the ground in the front of the bank's gaping hole.

"A fucking attack chopper?" Shaundi outbursted while killing off the remaining on-foot SWAT Team members.

"Seriously, who are these guys?" The boss asked as he diverted his attention to the attack helicopter and began shooting at it with his TEZ K-10 while it fired back with missiles.

"A bunch of assholes," Johnny remarked for the second time while assisting the boss in destroying the helicopter. Shaundi joined in as well and the helicopter was beginning show signs of damage from being shot by the three Saints. However, it was still able to fight back, this time barraging the trio with machine gun rounds.

At the same time, a different helicopter arrived with a strange add-on, its arrival signified by Shaundi's announcement of "Here's our ride," now making it clear that this helicopter was meant for carrying the vault out of the bank, as its attachment had three large, steel hooks hanging from its ends, as the boss ran toward the vault and attached the hooks to it, at the same time signaling for the helicopter to begin its ascent with a "Go! Go! Go!"

"You two go out the back," he ordered to Shaundi and Johnny, who were in the midst of shooting more SWAT Team members. Just when they thought they were dead…

"And you?" Shaundi asked.

"I'm staying with the vault," he replied.

"We'll see you when we touchdown. Be careful," she added, as she and Johnny ran for the stairs. Surprisingly, the lower floors of the bank weren't full of SWAT Team members and instead remained just as they had left it: quiet and filled with dead bodies. The silence of the bank was then interrupted by the massive amounts of gunfire and explosions originating outside. From Shaundi's point of view, she had no idea what was going on, but what she did know was that it didn't sound very good.

"Do you think the boss will be alright, Johnny?" She asked him, a bit of worry audible in her voice.

"I wouldn't worry about him too much, Shaundi. Remember when we fought Ultor a couple years back?" He asked her in response. "This should be a walk in the park for him," he added, hoping to lighten up her mood.

She nodded and smiled lightly. "Yeah, you're right. I should be more faithful in him."

Suddenly, a loud CRASH! could be heard from inside the bank, causing Shaundi and Johnny to sprint out its front doors to possibly discover what had caused the noise, only to be surrounded by an absolute swarm of SWAT Team members, this time the numbers being much higher than they could handle.

"This publicity stunt is over. Place your hands above your heads, and turn around," one of the members ordered to Shaundi and Johnny. He then focused his attention on Shaundi and added, "especially you, Shaundi. My son wants to meet you, and Troy isn't bailing you guys out of this one."

Shaundi could only stare the member down briefly before being forced to turn around as she and Johnny were handcuffed behind their backs.

"Well, shit," she muttered under her breath.

Well, that's it for the first chapter. This fic will also stay as true to Saints Row: The Third not just event-wise, but also dialogue-wise. Please feel free to leave a review and let me know what you thought about it.