~ Near,

I'll be dead when you read this. Those were the instructions I gave to Hal. Good. That's how I want it. I've never told anyone this before and, well, I don't want to see your reaction when you read this. Then again, you never show any emotion, so this probably won't affect a robot like you. Maybe I'm just wasting my time. That doesn't matter. I'm not doing this for you. I'm doing this for myself so that, when I die, I can do so without any regrets. After all, if we've lived a life of regrets, have we truly lived at all? I don't want to have just existed. I want to be able to honestly say the only thing I regret is regret itself. And, without this, that's impossible.

I never hated you, you know. You weren't the only one who could hold in feelings. But you just became emotionless. I channelled them into something else. That's why I was always so angry – an emotion that strong couldn't be transformed into anything less. There's no point in beating around the bush as I'm sure you've already guessed what I'm talking about. Then again, you never were in touch with your feelings, so maybe not. I would have adored seeing you at a loss for words, not knowing. So I guess I'll be nice and satiate your curiosity.

I loved you.

Sounds strange, right? After all I did to you, I felt that way. Mello, murderer extraordinaire and Mafia leader, had fallen for Near, the perfect albino sheep that he would have gladly strangled. Still, that was the way I felt. I hated it. Maybe that was the reason I caused you so much pain. The regret ate at my insides afterwards, but I carried on. Perhaps I hoped that my feelings would fade if you were damaged. I was wrong. They only got worse. I wanted to save you, protect you, scoop you into my arms and never let go. But I didn't. Can you imagine a scene like that at Wammy's? Yeah, they were all geniuses, but they were all homophobic geniuses. No, I couldn't bring myself to act on any emotion. I was afraid of falling in love I suppose.

Matt knew. He told me to write this. Sometimes, when I began to cry, depressed that I hadn't joined forces with you, he would rock me and tell me everything was okay. He told me that you felt the same way. I just hope he was right. I wish I had worked with you. Maybe then we could have been more than enemies, more than friends. Maybe you could have been mine, just like I had always wanted.

I'm sorry, Near, my beautiful Near, but I couldn't bring myself to tell you in person. Still, this is better than nothing and I've never played by the book. I lived my own way. Nonetheless, I have fallen as hard as any other love-struck fool. Don't miss me too much. I always hated it when you cried. I want you to know that I've missed you. I'll see you again one day, when the life has left you. I'll be waiting.

I am, forever yours,
Mihael Keehl ~

Near lowered the letter, kissing the paper and inhaling the chocolate scent. Then he began to cry. Tears slid down his cheeks, leaving watery trails in their wake. Many questions were thrown at him, but he could only form one comprehensible sentence.

"I loved you too, Mello."