Disclaimer – don't own Criminal Minds or any of its characters.

Losing What You Can't Have

'When I saw you, I was afraid to meet you... When I met you, I was afraid to kiss you... When I kissed you, I was afraid to love you... Now that I love you, I'm afraid to lose you.' Rene Yasenek

She hung up the phone as she stood outside the bar, her back to the smoker's side door. She heard the door open, the music and the sounds of people laughing and generally having a good night filled her ears as one of the patrons stepped outside into the otherwise deserted smoker's area. Emily slid her phone into the pocket of her jeans as she turned to return to her friends. She found herself walking into someone's chest, and a pair of muscled arms wrapped around her, arms that she would know anywhere. Emily tilted her head and met the deep brown eyes of her partner. The intensity she saw there made her pulse quicken and she held her breath as she felt his hands grasping her hips to steady her. Once he righted her, instead of relinquishing his hold on her, Morgan held her in place.

"Hi," Emily said quietly. She had hoped to sound confident, but she knew he heard uncertainty in her voice, it sounded small and hesitant even to her own ears. Emily desperately wanted to look away from his scrutiny, but she found herself unable to. She saw him swallow as he continued to stare at her.

"Hey," his voice was deep and gravely. "I, uh, came to make sure you were okay." Morgan glanced down at her pocket that now held her phone. "How is he?"

That made Emily snap out of the reverie that she was in. "Do you really want to know?" She tried not to wince at the venom that laced her words. She didn't want to argue with him, but he had started it. Emily glanced deliberately at the hands that still held her hips. He released her reluctantly, but didn't step back out of her personal space; Emily didn't back away either.

"Not really," Morgan answered with a shake of his head. "Does he know?"

Emily closed her eyes and bit her lip, wishing he wouldn't do this, wondering why he was doing this to them. "He did ask if there was ever something between us before."

"What did you say?" Morgan knew he was being an ass, and regretted that it was driving a wedge between them. But he had some morbid fascination in wanting to know the answer, maybe just to torture himself.

"Why are you doing this?" Emily asked as she opened her eyes, and Morgan could see them watering and he cursed himself for doing this to her, to them.

"What did you say Emily?" He asked again.

Emily swallowed the lump that formed in her throat. "That we're partners, nothing more," she couldn't help adding "that's what you said isn't it?" Emily saw him wince as he glanced down at the ground and he nodded. "Why are you doing this Morgan?"

His eyes reconnected with hers as he stared at her for a long moment. "Does he make you happy?"

"Greg is a nice guy, and he wants to be with me," Emily began, avoiding the question. "Just because you don't want me, doesn't mean no one else does," the words tumbled from her mouth before she could stop them.

"I never said that I didn't want you; I said that we couldn't," he told her firmly. "And you never answered my question. Does he make you happy?" Morgan repeated. He wanted her to be happy, needed her to be happy with this guy. He thought it would be easier to ignore his feelings for her if he knew she was happy.

"He's fun to be with, sweet and caring," she said and it was her turn to look away. Something inside of him snapped when she continued to dodge the question, he couldn't walk away if he wanted to. Morgan stepped closer and grasped her hips again, making her eyes dart back to his.

"If you won't tell me if he makes you happy, then answer these," he leant in to whisper in ear. "Does he know how you shiver when I traced my fingertips along your spine?" Emily damned herself as she closed her own eyes when she felt his lips brushing against her ear, his splayed fingertips stroking the base of her spine. His aftershave overpowered Emily's senses as she found herself drawn into him. "Does he know how you moan when I kissed you here?" Morgan placed a small kiss at the corner of her jaw, just below her ear. Emily couldn't stop the moan that escaped her lips. She leant into him as her hands reached up to rest on the top of his arms as he held her hips. "Does he know how you screamed my name when I made love to you?" Her eyes snapped open as his words registered and she pushed him away, stepping back so there was enough space between them.

"Stop it Morgan," she spat as stepped back again. "We can't keep doing this. You can't keep telling me you want me only to walk away again."

"Emily," Morgan began his voice full of regret. "I'm sorry, I shouldn't have done that." Her eyes softened as his dejected posture. "I'm also sorry I walked away that morning."

Emily breathed out the breath she had been holding. "What's changed since then? We still work on the same team, the fraternisation rules are still the same, and the senate committee is still watching us closely. I know neither of us is willing to risk the team in case it went wrong, you made the decision to walk away. For a while I was annoyed at you, but you made the right decision," she told him gently. "You need to figure out what you really want." Her hand brushed against his as she moved past him to go back to the bar.

She was abruptly stopped as his fingers curled around her wrist, tugging her back to face him. Their eyes held for a moment before he spoke. "I know what I want."

Emily sighed as she tugged her arm away, her fingers brushing against his as she slipped from his grasp. She walked back towards the door of the bar; her hand was on the handle when she heard his admission.

"I want you." Emily paused before shaking her head and re-entering the bar.

Morgan slumped against the wall of the bar and his head tilted back against wall of the bar as he heard music blaring for a few seconds as the side door opened, a moment later there was a loud slam followed by silence as the door shut again. Morgan's pulse was still racing as he closed his eyes briefly, waiting for the adrenaline coursing through him to drain away.

'How had it come to this?' He wondered to himself.

Author Note – should I continue? Do you want to know how it came to this? Let me know what you think.