Warnings: Alteration of the events (everything happens before Light's memories loss and during the time Light visits L's hotel room to help with the investigation). OOC L. Smeared ending.

I hope you will enjoy reading :)

Adventurism.

The part and parcel of mine that kept me going through my whole life. That very feature of my character that egged me on entering To-oh university with one aim that had nothing to do with studying. I wanted to meet you, Raito.

Bait.

You were smart enough not to fall for my tricks. Every daring move I made on you, you met with cold eyes and silent annoyance which didn't need words. You challenged me, and once or twice I saw that arrogant smirk of yours that should have made me feel nothing but repulsion and anger. Instead, I felt that it was your attitude that turned into a tempting bait for me.

Curiosity.

It was a natural thing for a detective to be interested in his current object of scrutiny. What rang the first alarming bells in my head was the fact my interest in you was not like that of a scientist or an investigator. I was genuinely curious about everything that Yagami Raito was.

Dominance.

I never fully understood the meaning of that word, mostly because I never knew what the submission was and felt like. It was you who later made me experience it firsthand, made me understand what it was like to look through the eyes of the submissive.

"I see," you said once, when we were sitting in that cafe you preferred. And then you smirked, this time not hiding the curl of your lips. You didn't say a word more, and it felt like you discovered something about me that was unbeknown to myself. You left me wondering. Of course, a man with your intelligence couldn't overlook my growing infatuation with their person, but how could you not mistake it with examination? Even when I myself wasn't sure about my own feelings, you made an unequivocal assumption which was correct even though conceited. But conceitedness was all that was you, and I could see that your conceitedness stepped over certain boundaries and turned into disdain for everyone and everything. That was the thing that made us alike even for a tiniest bit.

Excitement.

A wave of that very feeling overwhelmed me each time I saw you - in the university or in my hotel room when you came to help with the investigation along with other task force members. Somehow it felt like your mere presence promised something adventurous.

Fascination.

Judging by the number of girls that were constantly around you, swooning off their feet, touching your shoulders and giggling when you smiled at them, the fascination was the rightest thing to feel upon looking at you. But it didn't feel like I was doing the right thing when secretly ogling you. And even wronger it felt when I once dared to call you a soulmate in my head.

Game.

It was a game from the beginning, a dangerous one but nonetheless exciting. But the more time passed, the less it felt like something that could be brushed off and forgotten. And even though I had a feeling everything about the situation wasn't going to end well, I still wanted to play that game with you.

Heresy.

Just a year ago I'd say that very word to anyone who'd dare to tell me: "You'll be longing for a man." Now I had to say that word to myself. I wish I heard you saying that to me. Maybe that would have stopped me.

Inertia.

It was going on for too long. Four months I wasted longing for your company and going into your university just for sake of observing you and being near you. It was a funny game to play, but it had to end. I wanted to change that insufferable stale situation I was in.

Justice.

I desired you. Longed for you more than I longed for the case I worked on (which was the main reason I ended up meeting you) to close, and that speaks for itself. I wanted to get to know your love with both my soul and my body.

I kneeled before you, dropping the weight of responsibility for my own actions, wishing to belong. Justice found its place aside that abandoned responsibility.

Kira.

When you embraced me, you smelled of snow, apples and clean clothes. I remember how tightly I pressed myself into you, feeling your cool skin with my fingers. I tried to memorize all of you, not knowing if you would let anything more to happen. That moment I, for a first time, forgot who you were in reality.

The next day you didn't do so much as look at me, you acted like nothing had happened the day before. Probably I should have acted alike and pretend that nothing really happened. Because one embrace didn't mean or promised anything. It would have been easier to play along. But it's just now that I understand that. And now it is too late.

I treasured you, but it wasn't enough to bound us together. And was the bounding really the right thing to do? We both were men, and that fact itself didn't matter so much as my knowledge of who you were behind those masks. Kira. A curse that should have been vanished, I understood.

Love.

I understood that, but still so dearly wished for you to step over the boundaries yet again, because I doubted I had enough guts to do that myself. But you did. After another evening spent in the routine of the investigation, you beckoned me to follow you on the balcony where you locked me in your arms so tightly as if you wished to crush my ribs. You whispered about how you hated my eyes for staring at you endlessly, for my interference with your life, for my very existence.

You said all that – but still cuddled me into yourself, unable to let go. And if you just so much as pushed me – I'd fell from that balcony, bridging the gap of twenty storeys before hitting the ground.

Minuteness.

Once I thought I'd be grateful for your small favors. For the accidental touches and fleeting smiles.

I was wrong. It was too little for me to satisfy that growing hunger.

Night.

A warm august night where I became yours, just as I wished. I should have stopped myself before it had gone so far. But what was the point in regretting things that couldn't be unmade?

October.

How long had it been going on between us? Almost a year passed by the time October came. It wasn't a surprise that by that time I found the proof of your guilt, but instead of jumping with triumph, my heart dropped in fear. I didn't want to lose you just then. I thought I would always have a thing to tame you with later, but back then I could afford playing that game for a little longer, not alerting you in any way. And maybe... I felt stupid and despised myself for the very thought, but maybe it was not the power thirst but me who overclouded your thoughts so much that you made a mistake?

And so I let the evidence rest, hidden and protected so that no one but myself could find it.

Pain.

It was what accompanied you. It pained me every time we made love, pained me afterwards, both physically and mentally. The pain faded only during those rare moments when you nuzzled into my neck from behind, nipping at protruding spine. Somehow, those moments gave me hope which I gladly embraced and cherished.

Quietness.

You've been leaving me in solitude for too many times, not even once staying to spend a night with me. Of course, it was too much for me to wish for. You had many troubles to care about – keeping your dark secret unknown to me, spending time with your family, friends, girlfriends... During the days you acted as if I was a stranger to you. It pained me, too. Your mood was getting darker with each day. I kept my silence. If only you trusted me...nothing of what had followed would have happened.

Renounce.

It felt like I disavowed myself and my pride, quietly accepting the way you treated me. I belonged to you, soulmate.

You made it clear that you didn't trust my loyalty, didn't believe in it. And you were doing the right thing: I couldn't wholly put up with the role you gave me.

I was yours. Just as you belonged to me, and I knew I wouldn't let anyone else take you away.

Stare.

At least you seemed to had grown accustomed to my stare. I even thought you were seeking for some strange pleasure when looking me in the eyes and then carefully touching the closed eyelids with your lips.

Toll.

Everything has its price, doesn't it? I couldn't even begin to think what price our relationship had...

One day I found you searching through files on my laptop with frantic eyes. Silently, you turned to look at me. It was then that I understood that the beginning of the end had been laid – it was the text I prepared long ago, when I thought I'd be in need of the evidence of your guilt at which you were looking.

I didn't grasp on what happened following moments, and I still can't comprehend it. You attacked me, growling, and I couldn't do anything but fight you back. You acted like a beast, hitting me with everything your hands could reach for.

A loud sound of a gun shot made you halt. Then another shot followed. And one more. Dumbfounded, I watched your knees hit the floor before you fell down. I saw my caretaker, my father-figure with the gun in his hands which was still aimed at you. Behind him stood the astounded members of the task force, one of them had the gun in his hands, too.

Understanding.

How stupid were all the excuses I tried to think of for myself that moment. But could I really understand and accept the situation? I should have fought on your side, should have soothed you and explained everything! Instead of that, I stubbornly fought you back and put you into danger. It wasn't me who dealt the last strike, but did it matter? I spilled your blood.

I don't think you will ever forgive me. Just as I won't forgive myself.

Vermilion.

The color of your blood. The cold dread that overwhelmed me when I understood: your breathing was growing quieter. I couldn't believe it, didn't want to...

But you, my beloved soulmate, was slowly dying in my arms. And the color of your blood seemed unnaturally bright, as the stain spread wider on the whiteness of your shirt.

Ahead of that moment the world was whole, now it had split on "before" and "after". Somewhere in the middle of those two notions froze "now", full of bitterness and hope.

That very "now" in which I desperately hugged you, waiting for the ambulance to come. No one around us even tried to interfere.

The regret that filled me those moments was endless, I was ready to squeeze all the life out of myself and give it to you. But you were dying and I could do only that much to prevent your demise.

Whisper.

You tried to say something to me. All I could do was to hold you tightly, listening to your words. Perhaps, the gods were kind enough to let me hear and understand the last thing you wanted to tell me.

You didn't curse me, Raito. You only spoke my name quietly. The name, that you knew and that wasn't really mine. You fell silent after, and with great effort you rose a quivering, blood-covered palm of your hand to touch my cheek.

Completely out of my mind, I muttered something silly. My behaviour was unbecoming. But what could I have possibly say aside from "Don't move, the ambulance should be here in a moment"?.. I almost believed you were going to live.

And so much painful was to feel your instantly limp palm to slip down my cheek, leaving a sticky bloody trail on my face, neck and chest.

Yagami.

The only person that knew about your guilt was me. But it seems, my caretaker found that out, too. And he was waiting for you to try and cause harm... Of course he didn't want to murder you, no one wanted that. The task force members who heard the sound of the gunshot, broke into the hotel suite, ready to defence. One of them didn't have the safety catch activated. Strained fingers convulsed. And it ended up giving you two more shots. Three shots in a row, one of them was fatally dangerous.

Now they know about you, my love. I couldn't hide the fact any longer, it was pointless. They think of me as of a hero who stopped the crazed man. In their eyes I am the one who should be praised.

I am the detective. And I am the killer who will never find peace. I am justice. And I am the love-sick man who killed his love.

And if it is possible, after my own death I only wish to embrace you once again, Yagami Raito.