So it took me a whole lot longer then planned to update but blame it on the job. Working in payroll services and the end of the year isn't a nice and relaxing combination :)

Anyway, here it is for you all to enjoy and please let me know what you think! I really like to read what you think!

Happy holidays to everyone and a happy happy 2014!

Eight

He's sitting at his desk when he hears footsteps coming down the hall. It's still too early for it being Sam and it's most definitely not Kensi. He looks up just in time to see Deeks standing in the little entrance to the bullpen. The younger man doesn't look like he's too sure he wants to be there and it makes him nervous as well. He wants Deeks back to work, he wants his little family back together but not at any cost. If Deeks is not up to it, and Sam can say what he wants, he wants the other man to stay home and finish his recovery. But he only needs to think back to his own recovery process and he's pretty sure Deeks isn't any more patient as he is. Both not having the experience of being taken care of and only themselves to rely on. Although Deeks had shown his learning curve by letting Kensi stay for so long. It's part of the guilt trip he's been on ever since he's been informed that Deeks would be coming back. Kensi, being Deeks' partner had made the biggest sacrifice by actually spending so much time at Deeks' place. But he's pretty sure she never saw that as burden. Sam had reached out to the cop and they clearly had been bonding and getting better friends. Even Nell and Eric had made some sort of offer, he was the only one that hadn't really been there. There had been the shouting match at the hospital and that night at Deeks' place but those had been the only times he's really been there and actually talking to the man.

It seems so unreal, so afraid to lose the little family he has but not capable of actually reaching out. His crappy childhood no doubt a reason, but maybe it needs to stop, maybe reaching out is not that bad.

'Hey Deeks.'

'Callen' it's doesn't sound too enthusiastic and it puts him down already. He's so used to Deeks being the one that brings up the conversation and right now he can't find the words to say to him. How are you, how are you feeling cannot be used, it's quite obvious how he's been feeling or doing and it's asking about the pretty obvious. There are things he wants to say to Deeks, but they led to that shouting match and he's not up for a repeat of that. He really wants to stop blaming himself, take the same look on the events as the others seem to do, but he can't. if he hadn't been that stupid, if he didn't let Janvier out of his sight all of this wouldn't have happened. Sam and Deeks would never had gone through what they had gone through and they would be sitting here, joking and bantering away. But life doesn't let you turn back time and he's got to find a way to deal with it, to figure out how he can deal with Deeks and not be overwhelmed by fear and guilt.

'you've got to stop thinking. Or at least not so loud.' He looks up and finds Deeks looking at him.

'I'm fine, just a tad nervous, but I'm fine.'

He wonders if Deeks been spending too much time with Kensi and fine means everything but fine, but he gives the man the benefit of the doubt. He looks okay and for the moment the cop is confined to that very space. There is no way Hetty will let him out of her sight so soon.

'Callen?' He's roused from his musing by Deeks calling out to him and he realizes he's been staring at the other man.

'are you okay? Cause fine normally doesn't mean okay with you guys.'

'Yeah.' Deeks replies and he can see some anger lingering in the blue eyes. 'I am, but you seem to think differently. If there is something you want to tell me, just do it. I can take it.'

There is a whole lot more anger in Deeks' voice then he's used to and for a moment he doesn't know what to say. He doesn't want to make Deeks angry, but he also wants to know if he's truly okay. Which of course leads to that other question: how do you get back from that. How do you leave a living hell behind?

'Deeks, I, ' he starts and he makes the effort to really look at the other guy ' I just want to be sure you're here to stay and not disappear again. You went through something horrible and nobody would hold it against you if you took the time to heal fully.'

'maybe I need this job, maybe I need to do this in order to heal fully' Deeks replies and he blinks. They are very similar and he suddenly understands Sam frustration when he returned to work.

'And maybe I need time to….' He starts but falls quiet. The words he wants to say are so clear in his mind but he's a little scared to say this.

'to what?' Deeks asks, knowing the other guy he has to answer now. Deeks won't let go and he briefly thinks about lying. But then again Deeks deserves to hear the truth, even if he doesn't agree with it.

'maybe I need time to face, to accept what I've done' he whispers but the mission is quiet enough for the other man to hear him.

'Callen, I…' Deeks starts but he raises his hand to stop the other man from talking.

'I know what you said and I heard you the first time. But no matter what I still feel a little guilty. I don't want to, I really want to be able to see it like you do, like Sam does, but I can't. I can't help it, I can't stop wondering what would have happened if I didn't let Janvier out of my sight.

'he would have found some other way to rat out Sam and you know it'

'yeah, well maybe, we'll never know. It just, it had been horrible mistake from my part and both you and Sam paid a very high price, maybe a too high of a price for it. So I wouldn't blame you if you weren't okay and don't want anything to do with us. I would hate if that happened, but I would understand.'

'wouldn't that make Janvier and Sidorov win?' Deeks asks and for the second time he's quite speechless.

He never really viewed it from that side, only from his side, from what he did wrong. Janvier's mission had been revenge, for getting his revenge on him and for reaching that Janvier had gone for those that matter the most to him. Deeks might have been collateral damage, but he know that was a lie. Deeks meant as much to him as Sam did and he wouldn't have been able to live with himself if one of them didn't come out alive. That had been Janvier's goal, to make him lose all that mattered to him and he had nearly succeeded. And here he was, almost finishing Janvier's work.

'Smartass.' But it's the way he says it, it's a typical Callen way. Not showing the emotion but the other understands anyway and just like that they're good again. Maybe not fully back to best friends, if they ever were but for the moment they are good and there is whole road ahead of them.

3 weeks later.

He's not stupid and he takes Callen's words seriously. So he takes his time to get back to himself even if that means he's been grounded for a while longer. But right now he's beginning to feel that itch, the all too familiar itch of wanting to go out there and be a real law enforcement officer again. But there was also a set of nervousness that had kicked in. What if he wasn't ready to go out there? Cause he was good being back at work, but right now that meant a lot of desk sitting, helping Nell and Eric and the occasional trip to the boathouse.

Actually going out there, getting back in the field and actually putting his life on the line again was a whole new thing and he wasn't quite sure what to do about it. He wanted it, so badly, but at the same time he was afraid of being the weakest link, being that one that let something happen to the others, to Kensi. God forbid he let something happen to Kensi, he wouldn't be able to live with himself.

Questions like that kept him awake and the next morning he did the one thing he really could do. He couldn't talk to Kensi, she would tell him she would have his back. But he didn't want to go out there unless he knew he had her back. When he knew he had everything under control and could come to her rescue when it was needed. So that morning he took a deep breath and walks towards Nate's office. He still has to talk to Nate on a regular basis so it wouldn't be that strange for him being there. Of course this is Nate and Hetty so they already have a plan ready. And after some discussion and planning he's agreeing to it. But he still needs one more thing, one more approval before he can go ahead with the plan.

Carrying their lunch he has been allowed to pick up, he follows Kensi to the closest bench outside the Mission. He bought her favorite, from her favorite place, believing he'll need all the help he can get.

'Kens,'

'Yeah'

'Can I ask you something?'

'Sure'

'How would you feel if I left for a while?' her eyes widen at the second he finished his question and his heart goes out for her. He doesn't want to frighten her, but he also needs this.

'define a while?' she asks.

' a couple of weeks.'

'why?'

'I, uh, you see I've been doing okay the last few weeks. So good I'm probably gonna be cleared for field work . ' he starts

'And that's something good, isn't it.'

'Deeks, that's something good! ' she repeats as he remains silent for awhile. It's suddenly becoming a whole lot more difficult telling her.

'yeah'

'but'

'But I don't feel like I can trust myself right now. Let alone let you trust me to have your back.'

'Deeks, I..'

'let me finish Kens, I know you trust me and I want to trust myself but right now I can't. I don't know what I would do out there. What if something happens, to you, to me, to Sam or Callen and I just freeze up? I can't let that happen and I need to be sure that won't happen before I can get out there again, before I can let you trust me again. So I talked to Nate and Hetty and they have some place that offers training, they know about me, what I went through. If I were to go there, it would help me, it would allow me to go out there and learn to be me again.' He explains.

'It seems like you've got it all worked out already.' She says and he can hear she's angry. So here goes nothing he figures.

'only if you are okay with it.' he says and her eyes widen again.

'what?'

'I'll only go if you are okay with it. I'm not leaving you Kens. I'm just gonna be gone for awhile so I can come back to you, fully fit and ready to be your partner again. ' He can see her eyes soften and a little guilt forms in the pit of his stomach. He has her, he knows that, it's just… yeah it's not entirely fair to her.

'so you'll stay here if I asked you to? ' she asks and he nods, already knowing she won't say no. She can't say no at this point and that has been the angle he had been going for. Oh yeah, looking in the mirror the next few days will be painful.

'if I were to say yes, when do you leave?'

'tomorrow morning' he replies honestly. She only shakes her head a little, looking into the distance. She's quiet for a while and he remains still as well.

'well, I suppose I'll have to treat you to a goodbye dinner.'

She also insists on driving him to the airport and after making him promise a thousand times to call and text her, she finally lets him go off and beyond the doors. She knows that her credentials will allow her to follow him behind those doors, pretty much up and to the plane, but she doesn't. She won't make it any more difficult for him and for her. She wants nothing more than to explain to him that she feels safe when he's around and that she believes he'll be alright out there. But she also knows he needs to find that again, the feeling of trust. And as long as he doesn't has that, he'll not be able to go out into the field. So in order for her to have her partner back, she has to let him go. It hurts a whole lot more then she's willing to admit, but she has to look at the bigger picture. He's not leaving her, he's merely taken his retreat to come back better and stronger.

There is so much she wants to tell him, so much she wants to do to him. Especially repeating what he did to her at the house, kissing her and showing her what the world could be like. She wants that with him, the second he walks away from her through those doors, she realizes that's what she wanted from him. To share the rest of her life with him. But she's got to be patient and God knows how long he's been waiting for her, to come to this conclusion. It's only fair she would repeat the favor and wait for him.

TBC