INT. PLANET EXPRESS MEETING ROOM - DAY

CU on Farnsworth entering.

FARNSWORTH
Good news, everyone!

Pull back to reveal... he's alone.

FARNSWORTH
Everyone? Oh, god, I've been left behind!

A banner flies down from the ceiling that reads "Crotchety Old Boss Appreciation Day". Confetti and streamers explode from everywhere. Celebratory music blasts! The whole crew appear out of hiding and scream:

PLANET EXPRESS CREW
Surprise!

FARNSWORTH
Oh, god!

Farnsworth grabs his heart and keels over.

INT. FUNERAL HOME

Farnsworth's corpse is in the casket. Amy sobs. Zoidberg sobs. Fry has his arm around Leela, who looks down at a pad of paper in her hands.

CU on pad: Ideas for Crotchety Old Boss Appreciation Day

Pull back to:

INT. PLANET EXPRESS MEETING ROOM - DAY

The crew sits around the table. Leela ponders the same pad of paper. She crosses out the top line.

LEELA
Maybe a surprise party isn't such a good idea.

BENDER
Why not?

Leela sees Bender wearing a party hat and holding a shovel.

OPENING CREDITS. Caption: Directed by JJ Abrams' Head

INT. PLANET EXPRESS SHIP

Everyone wears ostentatious golfing attire. The Crotchety Old Boss Appreciation Day banner hangs over head.

FARNSWORTH
It isn't often I get a chance to wear my walking formals anymore ever since my hip, ankle, foot, and knee replacement surgeries last month. It's very exciting.

LEELA
Not too exciting, I hope. Bender!

Bender pulls defibrillator paddles out from his chest and stalks Farnsworth.

BENDER
On it. Clear!

Hermes intervenes. He's holding a medical tricorder.

HERMES
Back off, ya zap happy rE-MT. His vitals are steady. See?

Hermes shows Bender the tricorder, which monitors the Professor's heart rate at 3 beats per minute.

BENDER
Aw... But I'm bored. This whole day is gonna be so boring! I just wanna shock somebody! Hey, Zoidberg?

ZOIDBERG
Yello?

Bender shocks Zoidberg, who gets sent flying to parts of the ship unknown.

ZOIDBERG
YOOOOooooooo!

LEELA
That's the point, Bender. We can't do anything that's going to be too fun and exciting, or it'll be too much for the Professor to handle. That's why we picked the longest, most mind-numbing, repetitive sporting event we could possibly think of.

EXT. NASCAR STADIUM PARKING LOT - DAY

The ship parks. A sign outside the stadium reads National Association for Stock Car Autobot Racing.

EXT. RACETRACK

The bleachers are full of space rednecks and redneckbots. KEN SQUIER'S HEAD on commentary.

KEN SQUIER'S HEAD (V.O.)
Ken Squier's Head here at the beautiful Talladega Supersonic Speedway for the Slurm 500, what promises to be a fantastic competition, where speed, speed, speed is everything in this six hour long race to the finish line.

INT. COMMENTATOR'S BOOTH

Ken Squier's head sits next to Megatron.

KEN SQUIER'S HEAD
Alongside me is my good friend Megatron. Megatron, I guess you'd pretty much have to call Optimus Earnhardt Jr., sitting in the poll position, the favorite to win today.

MEGATRON
Prime may win this battle, but the Decepticons shall win the war and rule Cybertron!

KEN SQUIER'S HEAD
Fantastic. Now, let's go to the starting line, where we're ready to get started.

EXT. RACETRACK - DAY

At the starting line, a bunch of autobots, led by Optimus, transform into racecars and...

OPTIMUS EARNHARDT JR.
Autobots, roll out!

The crew watches the spectacle from the stands. The crowd is predominantly space rednecks.

FARNSWORTH
Mmmm... it's good to take in the fresh air.

Amy, who is seated next to Farnsworth, presses an oxygen mask over his face. He pushes her away.

FARNSWORTH
Stop coddling me! All of you. I may be old, but I'm not dead yet...

Hermes reads the tricorder, then motions with his hand to indicate it's borderline.

FARNSWORTH
I still want to live my life. It makes me so angry when you people treat me like a child.

Amy pulls out an adult-sized diaper.

AMY
He's sounding pretty grumpy. I'd better change him.

FARNSWORTH
I don't need a change!

The Professor grumbled, folds his arms, and sits back.

FARNSWORTH
Now, I do.

FRY
So, there aren't any human drivers in those cars?

LEELA
They stopped using human drivers in the late 21st century, when all the drivers went on strike because they were the only ones in the stadiums who couldn't get drunk during the race.

A few rows closer, drunk rednecks argue.

DRUNK REDNECK 1
She gonna pass him.

DRUNK REDNECK 2
No, she ain't.

DRUNK REDNECK 1
Yea, she is. She gonna do it!

A little further down, we see a pregnant redneck pop out a baby right there in her seat. She props the baby up on one knee and puts an Earnhardt hat on it. The baby cheers.

DRUNK REDNECK 1
She did it!

DRUNK REDNECK 2
Aw, this here 's why I hate havin' woman folk in NASCAR.

BENDER
Uuugh. I am so bored. All they're doing is driving around in circles over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over...

FRY
Uh oh, I hate it when he gets stuck in an infinite loop.

BENDER
I'm not the one stuck in a loop. They are.

Bender points to the track. During one loop of the racetrack, we see Bumblebee Lagano and Socketwrench Stewart race side by side with robot arms from each vehicle beating on each other.

KEN SQUIER'S HEAD (V.O.)
Oh, and it looks like a fight has broken out between Stewart and Lagano. We wondered how many seconds those two would last before coming to blows.

INT. COMMENTATOR'S BOOTH

MEGATRON
Yes, good. Fight amongst yourselves. It will be that much easier to destroy you all!

KEN SQUIER'S HEAD
Of course, I'd be remiss if I didn't take one minute out of the next six hours to mention that today is Crotchety Old Boss Appreciation Day.

Starscream approaches Megatron in the announcer's booth with a wrapped present.

STARSCREAM
Lord Megatron, Happy Crotchety Old Boss Appreciation Day.

Megatron unwraps the gift. It's Michael Bay's Head. Megatron, displeased with the gift, throws Michael Bay's head against a nearby wall. It explodes ten times.

EXT. RACETRACK

In the crowd sits Mom with her sons; Igner, Larry, and Walt.

KEN SQUIER'S HEAD (V.O.)
And it seems we've got a celebrity sighting in the crowd; billionaire industrialist and all around babe, Mom.

Mom stands and waves to the adoring crowd, who see her on the jumbotron.

IGNER
All these people are cheering for you, Mommy.

MOM
Buncha toothless, chromosome deficient, inbred hicks.

WALT
And all of them, cheering for you. Oh, it must be such a thrill.

LARRY
One day, they'll cheer for you like that, Walt. When you're running the company. Then, you'll be a celebrity, and get to go to big sporting events so they can put you on the big screen to be loved and admired.

MOM
Walt? Ha! Don't make me sick to my ass. I'd blow the company to hell before I left it to Walt to screw it all up.

WALT
But-but, I thought...

MOM
In fact, remind me, first thing I'm gonna do when we leave this festering pustule is swing by my lawyers' office and have my will changed to literally have every building, robot, and employee in the company blown to hell when I die. Stick that day on your calendar and "appreciate" it.

Bender sees Mom on the jumbotron. She looks pissed.

BENDER
(gasps) It's Mom. She's here. She's really here. Oh, and she looks as bored as I am. How could any merciful god in heaven allow such a travesty of the senses as Nascar to exist?

FRY
These things only ever get interesting when there's a crash.

BENDER
You're right. Hey, Zoidberg!

ZOIDBERG
Yes?

Bender pulls out the defibrillator paddles again and zaps Zoidberg, who is propelled from the crowd into the middle of the track. He scuttles around in terror, loses his ink, and starts a massive pileup as the drivers skid on the mess.

KEN SQUIER'S HEAD (V.O.)
What's this? It appears a fan has run out onto the track. Has he lost his mind? Oh, and it's a horrible wreck!

Optimus Earnhardt Jr. careens into the front row of the crowd to where Mom is seated with Igner, Larry, and Walt.

MOM
Holy crab crap!

Optimus Earnhardt Jr. transforms into his robot form, badly damaged. Mom's body is crushed beneath him.

LARRY
Nooo!

IGNER
Mommy!

WALT
Mother, mother can you hear me? Are you all right?

MOM
Boys? Boys? Are you there?

WALT
We're here, mother.

MOM
Come... closer...

They move close.

MOM
It should've been you.

She dies.

LARRY
Nooo!

Bumblebee Lagano and Rusty Rusty Wallace race to the side of Optimus Earnhardt Jr.

RUSTY RUSTY WALLACE
I fear the wounds are... fatal.

OPTIMUS EARNHARDT JR.
Do not grieve. Soon I shall be one with the matrix.

Optimus dies.

LARRY
Nooo!

WALT
Quick, is there a doctor in the stadium?

ZOIDBERG
I'm a doctor!

Zoidberg examines Mom's remains.

ZOIDBERG
Hm.

Zoidberg chops her head off at the neck and hands it to Igner.

ZOIDBERG
You might want to get that in a jar.

IGNER
Eeeeeehhhhhhh... Eeehhhhhheeeheeeh!

Megatron runs in and pulls an energon cube from Optimus' chest.

MEGATRON
The power of the all spark shall be mine!

Megatron transforms into a menacing jet and flies away.

INT. CHURCH FUNERAL

Thousands of robots weep oil. The crew mourns from their seats. In front, a maniacal headshot of Mom stands next to a closed coffin.

LEELA
I really thought we could get through one Crotchety Old Boss Appreciation Day without having to go to a funeral. Just one.

FRY
I really thought I could eat just one Lay's potato chip. Just when you think you've got everything in life figured out – BAM! Optimus dies.

Amy notices Bender shaking and looking around.

AMY
Wow, Bender, you're really shaken up, aren't you?

HERMES
He's the one who killed her.

BENDER
Shhhhh. Not so loud. Everyone here loves Mom. If they find out I'm the one who got her killed, I'll be the most hated robot on the planet, in the whole galaxy even. I don't want to end up like Zoidberg.

He points to a sign hanging next to the portrait of Mom. It's a giant wanted poster with Zoidberg's picture that says: WANTED – DEAD OR DESTROYED

BENDER
And all because I was bored. All because I couldn't find a way to be content with just sitting back and relaxing with some slow, uneventful, mind-numbing Nascar. Well, that does it. From now on, it's the slow-paced life for me. The more boring the better.

FRY
Well, we're in a church. You're off to a pretty good start.

Organ music plays. Preacherbot approaches the casket.

PREACHERBOT
Ashes to ashes, dust to dust, we know major Tom's a junky. Thank you all for coming on this most solemn occasion. I'd like to invite up Mom's oldest son, Walt, to deliver the eulogy.

In the front row sits Walt and Larry. Larry looks for Igner.

LARRY
Where's Igner?

Walt shrugs, smiles, approaches the casket.

WALT
What can one say about Mom? She was ruthless, conniving, without a single shred of compassion or remorse in her leathery old body. Many of you robots are here because you were programmed to feel sad upon her passing, since she knew no one would come to her funeral otherwise, except perhaps to spit on her wrinkled, jagged corpse.

Robots cry louder.

WALT
And yet, we loved her, because she represented everything in life we all want to be; rich and feared. I can only hope that, one day, you all will fear me as much you feared her... as the new head of MomCorp.

Walt pulls out from under the podium a wig made to look like Mom's hair and puts it on. He lets loose an evil cackle, just like Mom!

Everyone in the crew looks mortified. Amy pulls out an adult diaper.

FARNSWORTH
I don't need a change!

AMY
Well, someone does.

Hermes sheepishly takes the diaper from Amy.