Here is a story for Addek lovers. The story starts in late season 2 immediately after Addison's outburst on the catwalk and goes AU from there. All that happened in season 2 did happen except that Addison had only one night stand with Mark. She didn't stay with him and so never got pregnant. Events happening after that or before Seattle may not be exactly as per GA's original timeline or story.

Disclaimer: Don't own Grey's Anatomy. If I did Addison and Derek would be heading towards their 20th Anniversary.

Derek sat alone in a dark corner of a secluded OR gazing over sterilized tiles, bright white walls and locked instrument drawers. He was supposed to perform a craniotomy in that OR the next morning. So he thought it will be a good idea to visit the OR and run through the procedure. Just to be well prepared. He knew Bailey must be looking for him for evening rounds and post-op checkups. But that could wait. First he needed to ensure that everything was alright for his early morning procedure. As he had planned he went through each step of the process, visualized every possible complication at every step and outlined his action plan for every contingency. But he accomplished all of that in less than five minutes. So just to be sure he went through all the steps of the procedure he was capable of performing even in his sleep, again just five more times. Just to be well prepared.

He wasn't hiding. But the idea of forgoing the security of an OR and stepping out in the real world wasn't very appealing. The real world which contained gossiping nurses, annoying interns, disappointed Richard, his Satan wife and endless drama. He was tired of being a part of all the drama. He liked being in spotlight but not for these reasons. After Addison's outburst in front of the entire hospital, everyone was not so discreetly whispering and gossiping about them. Some of the staff looked at him sympathetically but there were many who were giving him disapproving looks and even death glares.

He came to the OR to get away from those judgmental stares, to get away from his infuriating wife. But no matter how much he tried, he couldn't get rid of her thoughts.

She is Satan, how could people feel empathy for her and blame me for her tantrums. She made a scene of herself. She was unprofessional, way out of line, she started the fight and she yelled in front of all the people. It wasn't my fault. I am the poor husband here. I shouldn't be blamed, I didn't do anything.

Yeah right I didn't do anything and that's the reason for Addison's frustration. She is expecting me to do lot many things. She wants me to cut back my working hours, she wants to go out for fancy dinners, she wants to get rid of my trailer, she wants a vacation. Basically she wants everything to be as it was back in NY. But I can't do that. After what she did it is hard to be a perfect loving husband to her. It is hard to forgive. I know it was slightly my fault, I was absent, I didn't notice her but that did not justify her infidelity. I trusted her. I trusted them both, they were my family. It kills you when the people who are closest to you betray you in the worst possible way. I need time and a little understanding from Addison but instead all she is doing is making things more difficult. I am trying, in spite of her adultery I took her back. I gave her a second chance. God I even gave up the women I loved to make this marriage work. And instead of being grateful Addison accused me of using her just to satisfy my need of being a good guy. She degraded me in front of the entire hospital and in front of Meredith. She stained my Mcdreamy image. I hate her. I hate Addison. Addison who I once thought was the love of my life.

I can't believe how my life became such a mess. When I met her, I knew we were meant to be together. I wanted to spend rest of my life with her, with my Addie. Addie, my sparkling, intelligent, passionate, confident, strong, witty, compassionate and breathtakingly beautiful Addie.

A small smile spread over his lips when he thought about his Addie. The smile widened as he kept thinking about their med school days and early years of marriage. They had a wonderful time together. Hell everyone envied them. They were a perfect couple, hot, madly in love, successful and were on their path of becoming world renowned. Today, sitting alone in the OR, few floors away from his wife, even he envied the old Derek and Addison.

How did we reach here? What happened to the perfect Drs. Shepherds? Who we are now are just ghosts of old Derek and Addison. I have changed. I am not the same person anymore. As Addie says I am this flannel wearing, wood chopping fisherman, living in a trailer in middle of nowhere.

As he though deeper he realized he wasn't the only one who had changed. His Addie had also changed.

She looks the same, designer clothes, expensive shoes, flaming red hair, beautiful features and those eyes… her sparkling eyes they definitely have changed. They are now dull and sad. How did I miss that? In last 15 years she has been through a lot but I have never seen her look so… defeated. She was an extreme optimist. She could always find some silver lining in any situation. I sometimes doubt if I could have made through the tough days of med school, internship and residency without Addie on my side. She is the perfect combination of compassion, grace and strength. Or should I say she was?

But today the woman who was out there wasn't Addison. My Addie would have never busted in front of a patient's family. She had impeccable bed side manners. She is Bizzy's daughter. She very well knows how to control or at least hide her emotions. My Addie would have never reacted the way she did. No matter what the situation is she would have never let herself lose her calm. But today she did. Addison who rarely shows her weakness had a meltdown in front of bunch of her colleagues and patients. I can't even imagine how humiliating it must be for her. She hates being pitied at. Is this all my fault? Did I make her so vulnerable?

I see her remorse in her eyes. I know how much she regrets what she did. She is desperate to make things work between us. But I just humiliated her whenever I could. Still she took all the shit I threw at her with grace. She came to Seattle to fight for our marriage. She gave up her luxurious life back home so she could be with me. In spite of being a Forbes Montgomery she agreed to live in a trailer. She did that for me. Though with lots of resentment she has managed to live in a place which isn't much bigger than our walk in close-set in the brownstone. She agreed to adopt Meredith's dog. She is trying to fit in a life which she isn't comfortable in just for the sake of a man she loves. She is trying really hard to make our marriage work but am I?

She thinks I took her back only to be a nice guy. Honestly I don't know why I took her back. I just couldn't sign those papers. I didn't want my marriage to end. But I didn't want things to end with Meredith either. That's why I decided to be friends with her. It must be hard for Addison to accept our friendship but I didn't care. Being with Meredith is easy. She makes me happy, she doesn't expect much, she thinks I am this perfect neurosurgeon. I am her McDreamy who can never be wrong. But with Addison it is complicated. Our relationship is exhausting. Addison wants me to work on us, to talk, and to address our problems which I honestly think might not be fixable. I don't want to face those problems, it is tiring and painful. Marriage isn't supposed to be this difficult. We were supposed to be 'happy ever after'. Our fairytale wasn't supposed to involve useless couples' therapy. How is that going to help us? Nothing can help us. May be we are beyond help. I really don't know what I am doing. I am just going through the motion. I know I should forgive her, I should move on, I should make efforts to amend our relationship, I know I should be doing lots of things but I can't. I don't feel like doing any of that. I don't have it in me anymore. I don't think after the Mark and Meredith episodes, me and Addison can ever go back to the way we were.

This time alone in the OR allowed Derek to finally face the issues he had been avoiding for long. For the first time he honestly confronted his feelings. After a very long time he felt something for Addison. He couldn't understand what that feeling exactly was but it wasn't anger or indifference. May be he felt sorry for her. Sorry for the way he has been treating her.

She definitely doesn't deserve this. She is not a bad person. Yes she made a mistake. But she was strong enough to own it and face the consequences. Being the wrong guy must be exhausting. She hid her pain perfectly behind her strong persona. But today she looked tired and defeated. I pushed her too much. My Addie is lost somewhere while single handedly fighting for our marriage. All that has now remained is a mortified and miserable ghost of the once incredible Dr. Addison Forbes Montgomery Shepherd.

This isn't right. It's time to man up and do the right thing.

Once Derek realized what he needed to do, he exited the OR with determination and headed towards the trailer to meet his Addie and make things right.