Party City: Midgar Chapter 1: Sour Note to Self, a final fantasy vii fanfic

[Sour] Note to Self

"Table reserved for twelve- AVALANCHE party?"

"Oh, right." The heavily made-up woman at the bar nodded and pointed to a couple of large, secluded booths on the far right of the dance floor, with a good view of the stage. "Right over there, Mr.-?"

"Strife. Cloud Strife."

Surprisingly, it had been Tifa's idea- to celebrate both the dual resurrection of Aeris and Sephiroth (thanks to a couple of mysterious artifacts called 'Dragonballs'- long story there) and the three-year anniversary of Meteor by spending a night at the Sour Note karaoke bar. Yes, karaoke bar, as in "a place with a large stage and enough alcohol to make you get up and be stupid on said stage." Tifa had thought it would be "fun." So did Aeris and Yuffie. Although Cloud was going to bring Ultima Weapon as a guard against anyone making him sing, he did relish the thought of watching Sephiroth get utterly smashed. Maybe if they poured enough intoxicants down his throat, the former general would agree to try a song . . . and that mane of spiky blond hair was a perfect hiding place for Cloud's camcorder. It would truly be a night to remember.

Cloud and Tifa, as the official hosts of the party, had showed up at the Sour Note at promptly 7:10 PM. Five minutes later, Barret, Marlene, Cid, Shera, and Red XIII appeared, followed closely at 7:19 by Aeris and Sephiroth, the former practically dragging the latter. Cait Sith arrived at promptly 7:22, and the last arrivals- a grumpy-looking Vincent and a certain hyper ninja- made their entrance at 7:25. Beautiful. Open-mike had started at 7:00, and plenty of people were already completely drunk. Cloud hoped his friends would soon succumb to the lure of alcohol; if he had to listen to ONE MORE off-kilter rendition of "Baby Got Back," he would persuade his lovely brunette martial-artist girlfriend to punch the offender where the sun didn't shine.

7:35 PM . . .

"Prognosis?" Cloud whispered to Tifa.

"I think Shera's going to be first- Shera or Red, actually. Shera can't hold her alcohol, and Yuffie's been feeding Red martinis under the table."

"Red? You're kidding me."

"I kid you not. Bet you 20 gil Red sings first."

"You're on."

7:38 PM

"'m gunna go shing," Red slurred, shakily rising from the table. "Looks int'restin'."

Tifa tapped Cloud's shoulder. "Pay up."

Cloud paid her. "Dammit!"

Eleven pairs of eyes turned towards the stage as Red clambered up. The host attempted to hand him the microphone, then realized that Red didn't exactly have any hands, so he put it on top of one of the speakers instead. Red staggered up to the mike and grinned mightily, displaying his impressive canines. "Hey, y'all," he said happily, squinting at the apprehensive audience, "M'namesh Nan- Nunna- Nick- Red Firteen, an' I'd like t'dedicate thish shong t'four bashtards who made m'life reeeeeeeeeally loushy for a while. Tsheng, Reno, Rude, Elena- if y're here- I hate yer guttsssshh!"

AVALANCHE stared at each other. "He's singing about the Turks?" Yuffie wondered. "But there's no songs about them!"

"He's going to ad-lib," Vincent said grimly. "Take cover, everyone."

Red took a deep breath as the host punched 'start.' Everything was quiet for one deadly second. Then, suddenly, the Son of Seto jumped ten feet straight up in the air and screamed:

Red:

WHO LET THE TURKS GO?!

(Woof, woof, woof woof!}

Chorus:

Who let the Turks go? (Woof, woof, woof woof!)

"Oh Holy . . ." moaned Vincent. The dark man had slid down in his chair and seemed intent on disappearing into the floor. Sensing an imminent escape, Yuffie reached down and grabbed his black ponytail. Hard. Vincent made a noise like a mouse that's been hit by the Complete Webster's Unabridged Dictionary and reluctantly straightened up again, but he still refused to look at the stage. Sephiroth, meanwhile, was laughing his ass off, Cloud was taping the event for posterity (or possibly blackmail), Tifa was staring, Aeris was praying that Red wouldn't fall off the stage, Cait was bouncing enthusiastically to the music, and everyone else was in pure shock.

Red:

When the party was out, the party was movin' (Hey, yippie yi yo!)

Everybody was watching for monsters, all (Hey, yippie yi yo!)

I tell the others, "Watch the Turks comin'!" (Hey, yippie yi yo!)

And the others, they hear the call

The poor dumb slobs come (Hey, yippie yi yo!)

Chorus:

Who let the Turks go? (Woof, woof, woof woof!)

Rap #1:

I see the little blonde chick head up the rocks

She really want to screw Tseng

Get back blondie, head off blondie,

Get back you stupid little brat!

"This is not happening." Barret said finally as he watched Red prance around on-stage.

Instrumental Chorus:

{Woof, woof, woof woof}

Verse:

I'm gonna fight (Hey, yippie yi yo!)

'Gainst any freak wielding a nightstick (Hey, yippie yi yo!)

To that Reno: "Hey man, you're wetting your trousers!" (Hey, yippie yi yo!)

You fetch a spell on his ass and show he's a prick (Hey, yippie yi yo!)

His ass runs out now

Chorus:

Who let the Turks go? (Woof, woof, woof woof!)

Chant (some of AVALANCHE joins in too- they know what he's going to say):

Say, a planet is nuttin' if it don't have baddies

All a planet hold bad, all planet hold it

Say, a planet is nuttin' if it don't have baddies

All a planet hold bad, all planet hold it

Rap #2:

Wait for y'all my pals, the battle is on

I gotta get my Limit got my mind set on

Do you see the rays comin' from my mouth

Watch Rude fleeing south

That Reno man that's weighin' them down?

Me and my sharp gold combs

And I can't cast easy, any other will do

I'm figurin' that's why they call me Thirteen

'Cause I'm a deadweight on them

But the Turks are much worse, ah-ooooooo! (Howl)

Chorus:

Who let the Turks go? (Woof, woof, woof woof!)

Halfway across the bar . . .

"I object!" Elena said indignantly. "Lies! Slander! Red was a MUCH worse fighter than any of us ever was!"

Tseng placed one hand on the enraged blond's shoulder. "Calm down, Elena," he said soothingly. "We're not part of the Turks anymore, remember? We don't have to uphold professional dignity anymore. Besides-" he winked at her, a strange gesture coming from the formerly stoic Turk leader "- Reno's about to make a fool of himself, and then we'll all have a good laugh at his expense."

Back at the AVALANCHE table . . .

"RENO?!" Eleven voices exclaimed as a flame-haired man somehow managed to get up the stage. Having finished his song, the now-unconscious Red had been taken away by a professional veterinarian, and now the rest of AVALANCHE was witnessing a sloshed Reno about to sing karaoke. This was too good to be true.

"A li'l treat for all you ladies out there," Reno slurred into the microphone. A steady drumbeat began in the background, and everyone in the bar who was under twenty suddenly developed huge sweatdrops. "Nooooo . . . " Aeris groaned, clutching the edge of the tabletop. "Not that!"

Yes, that. Reno grabbed the microphone, leaned over and winked suggestively at every woman present, then began to sing in what was meant to be a seductive tone. Unfortunately, being Reno, he was inclined to get confused sometimes . . .

Reno:

I'm too sexy for my love

Too sexy for my love

Love's going to leave me!

Vincent turned, if possible, even whiter and hid his eyes. Barret covered Marlene's face with his good hand and frantically began to hum under his breath, trying to shut out the terrifying music . . . but it wouldn't stop! Wouldn't stop! The AGONYYYYYY . . . !

I'm too sexy for the Turks

Too sexy for the Turks

So sexy it hurts . . .

(And) I'm too sexy for Midgar

Too sexy for Midgar

Too sexy by far!

I'm too sexy for the Shinra

Too sexy for the Shinra

No way I'm training recruits!

I'm the Lightning, ya know what I mean?

And I do my little schtick in the battle

Yeah in the battle

In the battle yeah

I do my little schtick in the battle!

"The hell you say," Tseng muttered dryly. "You know, there's a reason he's always the first to run." Elena choked on her drink.

I'm too sexy for my job

Too sexy for my job

Or even the mob

(And) I'm too sexy for my suit

Too sexy for my suit

What, ya think I'm a fruit?!

"YES!" AVALANCHE yelled.

I'm the Lightning, ya know what I mean?

And I do my little schtick in the battle

Yeah in the battle

In the battle yeah

I pose my sexy bod in the battle!

Too sexy for my- (grunt)

Too sexy for my-

"Native language?" Rude suggested.

I'm the Lightning, ya know what I mean?

And I do my little schtick in the battle

Yeah in the battle

In the battle yeah

I pose my sexy bod in the battle!

Elena rolled her eyes. "When you get one, give me a call," she muttered.

I'm too sexy for my 'stick

Too sexy for my 'stick

"Must . . . resist . . . urge . . . to . . . make . . . joke . . . "

Yuffie?

No.

Vincent.

Poor weapon

Poor glowy nightstick

And I'm too sexy for my buds

Too sexy for my buds

Pals going to leave me!

And I'm too sexy for this song!

"THANK YOU HOLY!" Yuffie, Aeris, and Tifa all screamed. Reno took a bow, oblivious of the roars of hilarity that his recital had prompted. "An' now . . . " he announced dramatically, "I intend t' turn th'mike over to . . . Shera Spielen! Sherry, c'mere!" And with that, he fell off the stage in a dead faint.

"NO &$#^%#^$*%^%#&ing WAY you are getting up on that stage, Shera!" Cid yelled, pounding the butt of the Venus Gospel on the ground. "Dammit, I FORBID it! Do you hear me?"

"Oh, dry up, Cid!" Shera snapped, more than a little tipsy herself. "I'm not exactly blind, stinking drunk like those last two- I think I can handle myself!" She got to her feet, and wobbled slightly. "Now, would you please just steady the floor . . . ?"

Despite wearing two-inch heels, Shera got to the stage without any serious mishap. One she had made her selection, she turned to the assembled patrons. "Ladies and gentlemen," she said calmly, "Thank you for your time and patience. I would like to dedicate this song to someone very special in my life- the one man who has managed to keep me interested for more than ten years, despite the fact that he appears to have less of a sex-drive than your average jelly doughnut. I hope he gets the message after this." Suddenly, Cid felt a disturbance in the Guy Force. Some premonition- some primal male instinct telling him of the horrors about to transpire- "No! SHERA!" he screeched, but it was far too late. A quick flurry of low electronic notes had begun on the speakers, and a feral smile grew on Shera's face as she seized the mike with a vengeance.

Shera:

I feel like I've been locked up tight

For a century of lonely nights

Waiting for someone

To release me . . .

"Woohoo!" Cloud slapped Cid hard enough on the back to knock him into the table. "SCORE, man! She wants your chainsmokin' ass!"

Cid didn't reply. He was staring in numb shock as Shera- nice, sweet, conservative Shera- shucked her lab coat and glasses. Her long brown hair fell down out of its customary bun, and suddenly, Captain HIghwind realized that he had been living with an incredibly hot woman for the past ten years . . . and he hadn't done a thing about it! Then all coherent thought vanished as the engineer began to dance, a slow and smooth sort of motion, gyrating her hips suggestively. Cid's mouth dropped open, and a thin trail of drool appeared. Barret had covered Marlene's eyes again, and was beginning to regret agreeing to this whole trip . . .

Shera:

You're licking your lips and blowing kisses my way,

But that don't mean I'm gonna give it away

Baby, baby, baby . . .

Dammit! Cid mentally cursed. She's making me horny as hell, and then she up and plays the Reluctant Virgin schtick again?! &%^#%#Y$@^$@^%@#^%#&*$&@$^^&#@^%@$%^@$&*$@#!!!!!

Shera:

Oh whoa . . . (licks her lips suggestively)

My body's saying, let's go

Oh whoa . . .

But my heart is saying no . . .

No! FORGET the damn heart! It's only there to help you breathe anyway! Shera! LISTEN TO ME, DAMMIT!

Shera:

If you wanna be with me, baby, there's a price to pay

Name it! NAME IT!

I'm a genie in a bottle, you gotta rub me the right way

If you wanna be with me, I can make your wish come true

You gotta make a big impression, I gotta like what you do . . .

"Cid, you're looking bug-eyed," Vincent commented calmly. Being dead, he was completely unfazed by the spectacle on-stage, never mind male hormones dammit! Alright, alright, she WAS hot, but that was no reason to stare at a lady like that. The song was disgraceful, and nothing in the world would make the determined vampire drag his eyes back to that stage, not even- WHOA!

Shera was slipping off her shirt.

To the management's vast relief, she was wearing a bikini top underneath it; but unfortunately, at least for Cid's sanity, the tissue-thin white fabric did absolutely nothing to hide her rather sizeable assets. Vincent blinked, turned as crimson as his eyes, and immediately ducked under the table.

I'm a genie in a bottle, baby

Gotta rub me the right way, honey

I'm a genie in a bottle, baby

Come, come, come and let me out!

The innuendo she put in that line completely floored every man in the bar, and not just the embarrassed Valentine. Only Cid remained vertical: clutching the Venus Gospel for support, cigarette exinguished and forgotten in a sizeable puddle of drool on the floor.

The music's playing and the light's down low

One more dance and then we're good to go

Waiting for someone

Who needs me

Hormones racing at the speed of light

But that don't mean it's gotta be tonight

Baby, baby, baby . . .

Speed of light, hell! Come on, Shera, finish the goddamn song, I can't take much more of this!

Oh whoa . . .

My body's saying, let's go

Oh whoa . . .

But my heart is saying no . . .

If you wanna be with me, baby, there's a price to pay

I'm a genie in a bottle, you gotta rub me the right way

If you wanna be with me, I can make your wish come true

Come and set me free, baby, and I'll be with you . . .

I'm a genie in a bottle, baby

Gotta rub me the right way, honey

I'm a genie in a bottle, baby

Come, come, come and let me out!

One more minute . . . one more *$#^%*#^$@&^%@^%#% minute and I swear I'll demote her for this crap . . . right after I &$#^ the living daylights outta her, that is.

Oh whoa . . .

My body's saying, let's go

Oh whoa . . .

But my heart is saying no . . .

If you wanna be with me, baby, there's a price to pay

I'm a genie in a bottle, you gotta rub me the right way

If you wanna be with me, I can make your wish come true

You gotta make a big impression, I gotta like what you do . . .

If you wanna be with me, baby, there's a price to pay

I'm a genie in a bottle, you gotta rub me the right way

If you wanna be with me, I can make your wish come true

Come and set me free, baby, and I'll be with you!

I'm a genie in a bottle, baby

Come, come, come and let me out!

Shera finished her song with a sultry smile as she leaned forward and blew the stunned onlookers a kiss.

They barely had time to applaud before Cid dragged her out the door.

"My turn." Vincent said as he climbed to his feet.

Cue eight anime-crashes.

"You're kidding me," Sephiroth said finally, staring at Vincent. "You're gotta be fucking kidding me."

"Not in the slightest." Vincent said calmly. "Due to the large amount of pure vodka Yuffie continually insists in lacing my drink with, I am currently in an advanced state of intoxication and consequentially will be acting in an unbridled and exceedingly imprudent manner. Feel yourselves free to express amusement." With that, he turned and walked to the stage.

Yuffie blinked. "But . . . he was supposed to . . . that amount would've knocked out an elephant!"

"No it wouldn't." Tifa raised one eyebrow, a mystery of the evening finally making itself clear. "How many bottles did you use up?"

"Um . . . ten."

"Yet Vincent's only had three drinks so far this evening, right? Bit of a discrepancy there." With that, Tifa lifted the tablecloth, revealing a large pile of empty Stolichnaya bottles. "I'd been wondering how Red managed to get smashed on only two martinis."

"THAT THIEVING MONGREL!" Yuffie shrieked. "HE'S BEEN RAIDING MY STASH!"

"Quiet!" Cloud hissed. "Vincent's about to sing!" And it's gonna be a good one, he added mentally. Vincent, for some bizarre reason, had allowed Yuffie to pick out his clothing for this particular evening- and the black jeans, black leather jacket, black t-shirt, black leather gauntlets, and black boots combined with long black hair and blood-colored eyes already had women swooning across the bar. Despite the doe-eyed gazes and already-growing numbers of fangirls, the dark vampire appeared calm, relaxed, and slightly devilish of manner. Cloud gulped. Vincent was wearing an evil grin . . . this couldn't be good . . .

"Folks," Vincent began, "I'd like to sing a song about the Planet's dream. About me; about you. About the way the Planet's energy sustains us all here on the surface. About that special feeling we get, watching Shinra blow sky-high and knowing that half a billion people have just been slaughtered ruthlessly . . . you get the idea."

Now it was Yuffie who paled. "He wouldn't!" she whispered frantically, more to convince herself than anyone else. "Not now . . . not here! I taught him that song! How could he betray me like this?"

The other members of AVALANCHE turned to the ninja. "What do you mean?" Tifa asked finally. "It's just Vincent, right? It's probably going to be some angst-riddled Edwardian ballad, right?"

Yuffie shook her head. "Just watch."

The intro was over; the song had begun. And so had Yuffie's mental breakdown.

Vincent:

I'm not a regular joe with a regular job

Not your average white suburbanite slob

I like weapons and coffins and books about war

I got a mouldering mansion with big holes in the floor!

My gun and my cloak, my claw and my cat

My demons inside, and the Doctor's old lab . . .

"Hey!" Cloud snapped. "You LIKE that *&$%ing lab? What the hell is WRONG WITH YOU?!"

"Cloud, calm down. He was just trying to rhyme, for godssakes." Tifa shot a curious glance at Yuffie. "I still don't get it- what-?"

Yuffie facefaulted. "Two words. Dennis Leary."

"Who?"

"Wait and see."

Vincent:

But sometimes that just ain't enough to keep a man like me interested!

(No way, uh-uh!)

No, I gotta go out and have fun at someone else's expense!

(Whoa yeah, yeah yeah, yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah!)

I always wear black when the sun's shining high

And make ya believe I'm a suicidal guy

I'M AN ASSHOLE!

(He's an asshole, what an asshole)

I'm an asshole

(He's the world's biggest asshole)

Sometimes I turn into fucking big demons

Get a kick from the shrieks and the wusses all screamin'

I'M AN ASSHOLE!

(He's an asshole, what an asshole)

I'm an asshole

(He's a real fucking asshole)

Maybe I shouldn't be playing these schemes

Seeming at night like I'm having bad dreams

Maybe my act isn't worth what it seems . . .

NAH!

I'M AN ASSHOLE!

(He's an asshole, what an asshole)

I'm an asshole

(He's the world's biggest asshole)

[Spoken]

You know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna get myself a 2002 Harley Davidson motorcycle, black, with demonhide seats and the shrunken heads of PETA representatives for headlights, yeah! And I'm gonna ride around on that baby at 115mph, getting one mile per gallon, shooting innocent bystanders and FUCK pedestrian's right of way 'cause I don't give a shit anymore! And when I'm down mowing down every goddamn endangered little rat-species I can find, I'm gonna clean the tires with the Nibelheim flag and then I'm gonna toss the entrails right into Aeris Gainesborough's face, and there ain't a goddamn thing anybody can do to stop me. You know why? Because I'VE GOT THE GUNS, that's why! Two words: Death-fucking-Penalty, okay?! Cloud, Tifa, Red XIII, they can have all the heroism they want- they can have a big non-alcoholic heroic victory party right in the middle of Nibel Square, and it won't make a lick of difference, because you DON'T fuck with Vincent Valentine, okay?! Rufus Shinra's not dead- he's dismembered! And as soon as we find the cure for one big fucking energy beam we're gonna piece the Pres back together, and he's gonna be pretty pissed off. You know why? Have you ever gotten hot tar poured on you? Well, multiply that by 15 million times, and that's how pissed off Rufus's gonna be! I'm gonna get Rufus and Sephiroth-

Voice:

Hey!

Vincent:

And Jenova-

Voice:

Hey!

Vincent:

And Ruby Weapon-

Voice:

HEY!

Vincent:

And a case of whiskey and ride down to Cosmo Canyon-

Voice:

Hey, you know you really are an asshole?!

Vincent:

Why don't you just shut up and sing the the song, pal?

I'M AN ASSHOLE!

(He's an asshole, what an asshole)

I'm an asshole

(He's the world's biggest asshole)

A-S-S-H-O-L-E!

Everybody!

A-S-S-H-O-L-E!

[Chorus]

(Coordinated snarling of demons)

Oooh . . .

[Spoken]

I'm an asshole and proud of it!

INSERT MASS FACEFAULT HERE

"Jesus Christ, Vincent!" Cloud yelped, once the dark man had rejoined them. "What in hell got into you?!"

"Nothing whatsoever," Vincent replied, leaning back and smirking. "I just got a little sick of the 'vampire' act and decided it was time to let it out for a bit. Not bad shit, huh?"

"TRAITOR!" Yuffie shrieked. "I had a crush on you forEVER but you were always mooning over that Lucy chick! Now it turns out that you're an actual HUMAN BEING when I've just gotten OVER you?! IIIINJUUUSTIIIIICEEEEEE!"

It should be noted that the rest of the Sour Note's patrons- and its management- completely ignored all the arguments. Worse things were happening at other tables. The managerial policy for the bar was, hey, you can shout all you want- we're just glad you're not shooting.

Meanwhile, Yuffie's outburst had made the entirety of AVALANCHE wince. "Yuffie, I wouldn't go out with you because you were a minor, for chrissakes!" Vincent snapped. "Just because you had some stupid crush doesn't mean I'm obliged to act like Muten Roshi with Juuhachigou! Grow a brain!"

"Muten Roshi's 300, and besides, he's a Turtle Hermit! He's ENTITLED to perving on the jinzoningen!"

"Not Juuhachigou! And what does being a Turtle Hermit have to do with it?!"

(Author's Note: It should be remembered that all the people who had not- as Vincent and Yuffie had- memorized every episode of Dragonball Z were utterly and completely lost. If you're one of them, just take their word for it, 'kay?)

"It's well-known that guys who spend a lot of time in enclosed spaces get a little . . . peculiar." Yuffie smirked. "Those shells and coffins can't be good for the, well, reproductive instincts-"

"ARE YOU SAYING I'M A FAG?!"

"No, I'm saying that even if you caught a woman, you wouldn't know what the hell to do with her! Ever wonder why the waterfall chick ditched you for Hojo? At least he wasn't . . . "

"Finish that sentence. I dare you." Vincent was beginning to sprout demon wings under his leather jacket. Yuffie doubly smirked now- she had him exactly where she wanted him.

'You get the idea. Besides," she said slyly, stretching like a cat, "There must be something wrong with you. No man can resist my charms."

"I can!"

"I said no man. You're disqualified!"

Oooh, that stung. Time for drastic measures. "You're going to regret that," Vincent growled. She'd struck him where it hurt most- degrading and doubting his ability to attract members of the opposite gender. Biiiiiiiig mistake. "Take. That. Back. Now." When the insolent ninja shook her head, Vincent's eyes blazed evilly. "Fine." Leaning across the table, he hauled Yuffie up by the front of her green sweater, pulled her over the table to where he was standing, and kissed her. Hard. Not his best performance, and rather impromptu, but hell . . . neither of them was complaining.

AVALANCHE broke out in cheers and whistles as the pair parted, Vincent now the one smirking while Yuffie looked dazed. Whoa! She thought, staring up at the evil grin on Vincent's face. She had just been grabbed and thoroughly kissed by a hot guy, and frankly, she now stood corrected on the whole 'man' issue. "You win," she said after a moment, crossing her arms. "Wanna try for two?"

At last, they were both grinning evilly. "Maybe afterwards," Vincent replied. "Public place, after all. And the rest of the group still has to sing."

"Great. It's a date."

After that little incident, things settled down considerably . . . for about ten minutes. Then, when AVALANCHE was so sick of drunken businessmen warbling "My Way" that they were about to bludgeon Cait Sith into getting up there and providing them with some comic relief, Rude got up from the Turks' table and strode up to the host to make a selection.

Soft guitar notes mingled with with a gentle drumbeat, and Rude picked up the microphone and began to sing. As the first words left his mouth, however, AVALANCHE simultaneously screamed.

"SIMON AND GARFUNKEL?!"

This insult could not be ignored.

Rude:

Hello, darkness, my old friend . . .

"Wearing those sunglasses all the time, they oughtta be friends," Vincent muttered. Yuffie, newly liberated in her role of Official Girlfriend, elbowed him.

I've come to talk with you again

"Yeah, this is the Darkness. I'm not home right now, but leave a message at the sound of the beep and I'll get back to you. If this is Rude, buzz off! I DON'T want any aluminum siding, goddammit!" Tifa muttered. Cloud snickered and kept filming; this could turn out to be the highlight of the evening.

Because a vision softly creeping

Left its seeds while I was sleeping

"Ewwwwwww!"

And the vision that was planted in my brain

"-didn't take root, because you forgot to fertilize properly. In damp, acidic soil such as we have here, a lack of proper nutrition can stifle the plants, causing-"

"Sephiroth, have you been watching Gardening Today again?"

"Shut up, both of you!"

Still remains

"Even though I've been taking all those neato pills the doc gave me-"

"Will you be quiet?!"

Within the sound of silence

"As in, 'what is the sound of one hand clapping?'"

"Don't you dare go Zen on me, VInnie!"

In restless dreams I walked alone

Narrow streets of

"Dine bone?"

"Home Alone?"

"Moan and groan?"

"Traffic cone?"

"Slaughtered clone?"

"Kidney stone?"

"Insect drone?"

cobblestone

'Neath the halo of a street lamp

"Enjoy it while you can- it's the only halo you're likely to get," Elena muttered.

I turned my collar to the cold and damp

When my eyes were stabbed by the flash of a neon light

That split the night

[Homer Simpson voice] "I've seen the light- and it burns!"

"Sephiroth!"

And touched the sound of silence

"Okay, and now we're touching sound, or rather a lack of sound. Are you guys sure that Rude passed the Turk Aptitude Test?"

"Actually, I think Tifa hit him a bit too hard last time we fought."

And in the naked light I saw

Ten thousand people, maybe more

"Naked? Ten thousand people? AAAAAAAAAHHH! BAD MENTAL IMAGE! BAD!"

People talking without speaking

People hearing without listening

"Here's a Zen problem for you: What is the sound of one sloshed Turk singing karaoke?"

"'Disturbing.'"

People writing songs that voices never share

"Probably for a good reason, if they're all like this one-"

And no one dare

Disturb the sound of silence

"Why not?"

"Rhetorical question, Yuffie."

"Rheta-whatta?"

" . . . you know, there's a reason I didn't used to talk much."

"Fools" said I, "You do not know

"THAT I AM WEARING THE ALMIGHTY CHOCOBO-PRINT BOXER SHORTS! MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

"E-yah. Right."

Silence like a cancer grows

Hear my words that I might teach you,

Take my arms that I might reach you."

"And subsequently knock you off a cliff, of course. But let's not mention that little fact, hmmm?"

But my words like silent raindrops fell,

And echoed

In the wells of silence

"So now we've got a physical object containing sound, or rather the lack thereof, which people are supposed to touch. Did it EVER in his ENTIRE LIFE occur to this composer that he was being the biggest-"

"Stop before you hurt yourself, buddy!"

And the people bowed and prayed

To the neon god they made

"Ommmmm . . . ommmmmmm . . . call 773-456-9042 for contest details . . . ommmmmmm . . . "

And the sign flashed out its warning

"DORKY MUSIC APPROACHING! ALL CITIZENS TAKE COVER!"

In the words that it was forming

And the sign said

"'Thank you for not smoking?'"

"That wasn't funny."

"I'm a robot. What do you expect?"

"The words of the prophets

are written on the subway walls

And tenement halls."

"And the great lord saith unto Elijah, 'Thou shalt dial Monica S. at 561-9072, and thou shalt have a good time with the woman appointed therein.'"

And whisper'd in the sounds of silence . . .

"Silence, hell!" Cloud yelled as the crowd burst into applause- not for the song, but rather for the impromptu MSTing that the two booths full of irate heroes had given it. "We should do this full time!"

"Nope. FF.Net's removed the MST category, remember?"

"Oh yeah. Fuck."

"My turn!" Yuffie announced. She jumped up, and was about to make her way over to the stage when Vincent reached up and snagged the back of her turtleneck sweater.

"Yuffie, you're not drunk yet." The dark man said calmly. "No karaoke until you're shitfaced- that's an order."

Yuffie glared at him. "So? You weren't drunk either- you were just fed up! And why can't I have a little fun once in a while?"

"Look, I support free speech and all that bull, but if you want to be a 'dignified ruler' when Godo croaks, then you're going to have to stay off doing stupid things while you're sober, right?" Vincent pointed out. Yuffie pouted, then suddenly, an evil grin appeared on her face. She leaned down and whispered something in Vincent's ear. The man's red eyes widened, then he nodded and let go of her sweater, grinning a little to himself. Evidently, Yuffie had made an offer he couldn't refuse . . . Cloud tried not to think about that and concentrated on his filming.

"Ten gil says she sings 'Material Girl,'" Marlene whispered to Tifa.

Tifa blinked. "Where'd you get that idea from?"

"Daddy's Madonna collection, of course! And everyone else has been ad-libbing . . . why not 'Materia Girl'? Makes sense."

The bartender thought for a moment. "Why not, indeed," she mused. Then Marlene's other words hit her. "Barret? You have a Madonna collection?"

"Just a small one . . . " Barret muttered. Marlene, however, shivered mightily and scrambled down from her father's lap.

"Oh, yeah, Auntie Tifa, you should see it! Daddy an' Mamma Elmyra singin' along on 'Like A Virgin' . . . Auntie, what's a 'virgin,' anyway?"

"Barret, stop bleeding all over the tablecloth. Marlene, a virgin is a woman who . . . doesn't like boys," Tifa said finally.

Marlene shook her head. "But that's a lesbian, Aunt Tifa."

Cue Vesuvius-style nosebleed.

"Shut up, both of you," Cloud hissed across the table. "Yuffie's song is starting!"

A whirl of synthesized electronic notes, followed by a quick guitar riff, heralded the performance of Yuffie Kisaragi . . .

Yuffie:

I train every day

I don't support the team

Can't take direction, shuriken's never clean

Vampires dated me (Vincent: "Hey!")

My father hated me

I was always in a bind, robbing AVALANCHE blind

Everyday I fought the war against Sephiroth

Couldn't stand the presence of those shiny orbs

I'm a hazard to their health

Don't let them get me

I'm their own insider thief

It's good when I annoy them all

So irritating

Don't wanna be the Wutai lord

I wanna go steal something else

I wanna go steal something else, yeah

Ciddie chainsmokes, foulin' up the car

Tifa's bra is stuffed with gravel and road tar

Tired of bein' called the Brat Thief of the group

Magic's pretty, but not cast at me

Spiky, Spiky, won't you please stop angstin' always

Go buy a life with all your gil

'Cuz you're a hazard to my health

Don't let them get me

I'm their own insider thief

It's good when I annoy them all

So irritating

Don't wanna be the Wutai lord

I wanna go steal something else

Don't let them get me

I'm their own personal freak

It's good when I annoy them all

So irritating

Don't wanna be the Brat no more

I wanna go steal something else

Spiky, Spiky, won't you please stop angstin' always

Go buy a life with all your gil

'Cuz you're a hazard to my health

Don't let them get me

I'm their own insider thief

It's good when I annoy them all

So irritating

Don't wanna be the Wutai lord

I wanna go steal something else

I wanna go steal something else, yeah . . .

8:10 PM

("Yeah, I know we're not Turks anymore. Old habits die hard.")

Did you ever think when you flick on the light

It ain't coal or oil but pure Shinra might?

Now I know we're cruel and I know we're base

But our power's been spread all over the place

Seems to me y'all aren't grateful though

For ruthless Shinra Co.

You hate that Shinra Co.

There's a light in the window of the Midgar homes

That's defended by Shinra SOLDIER clones

They fight to bring you power but you'd never see

That there's terrorists out for blood, boys

They're terrorists out for blood

8:58 PM

("Tifa, put the bottle down and back away from the bar. Slowly.")

All the beers are gone (are gone)

And the fridge is dead (the fridge is dead)

I've been on a tear (a tear)

With an aching head (an aching head)

I'd be drunk and warm (and warm)

Or better yet, in bed (yet, in bed)

Seventh Heaven tending

(Heaven, tending)

Ventilated with lead

9:30 PM

("Watch ouf for the wall, Cloud. Cloud? CLOUD?! . . . Oooh, that's gotta hurt.")

I like big hair and I cannot lie!

You other heroes can't deny

When a gal walks in with a double-D bra

And five pounds of hair I'm in awe

Want to sleep with her 'cuz I noticed those bouncing locks

Aim for the ribbon she's wearin'

I'm stuck and I can't stop starin'

Oh, baby, I wanna unbraid it

And then I've made it

My sidekick's trying to warn me

But those stylish clips make me so horny!

9:42 PM

("Don't worry. The robot's not creative enough to make anything up.")

He's a pinball wizard, there has to be a twist

A pinball wizard's got such a supple wrist

How do you think he does it I don't know

What makes him so good

10:00 PM

("Screw protocol. Reno made a pass at me yesterday, Tseng, and I'm going to make him pay!")

You tell a joke and forget the punchline

Why you always wastin' my time?

Hey buddy, trust me, you just disgust me

You hair's a mess and your suit's all crusty

I don't know too many real males

Who make a habit of biting their toenails

Whoa, every time you call, you drive me up the wall

Pally, just the sight of you makes my flesh crawl

I'm sure we'd be happy together

If only one thing weren't true

Oh, Reno, I yi yi yi yi

I'm so sick of you!

You drink the milk right from the carton

What are you, in kindergarten?

You're belchin' everywhere, foulin' up the air

Then you use my razor to shave your back hair

You don't have an ounce of class

You're just one big pain in the neck

How much more can I take now, give me a break now

You even snore when you're wide awake now

You tell all your friends we're the perfect couple

Well, maybe you should get a clue

'Cause, Reno, I yi yi yi yi

I'm so sick of you

Lightning, you're so nauseatin'

I yi yi yi yi

I'm so sick of you!

10:36 PM

("Hmmm, somebody's bitter. Think he found the cigarettes we switched for his reefers?")

One orb makes you larger

And another makes you small

And the ones that you give Yuffie

Don't do anything at all

Go ask Yuffie

When's she's heaving it all

And if you go chasing Weapons

And you know you're

going to die

Tell 'em all a demon

Wearing black and scarlet

Is a &^$%ing screwy guy

Kill Vincent

'Cause he needs to die

Men with Chia-pet hair

Get up and tell you where to go

And you're just sick

Of staying in back

And some robot needs to blow

Go ask Tifa

I think she'll know

When Sephiroth and Jenny

Have fallen softly dead

And Mary Sues

Are invading your life

And lardo Palmer's

Is so gonna be dead

Remember what the dormouse said:

Feed your head!

11:02 PM

("Again? Why the . . . never mind.")

I was there

To match my shuriken

At Gold Saucer (TM)

Against a Ghostie Hand

Oh, and a Moon Giant

Both with an ugly grin

Hit my Limit

And was Breakin'

But I guess it just wasn't my day

'Cause I got 'em

With an Ice Three

But they both had an immuni-tay!

I, I, I,

I lost in Battle Square, baby!

(Whooo, oooo!)

I lost in Battle Square, baby!

3:20 AM

"WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN, BAKA?!!!"

"C'moooooon," Yuffie slurred, staggering drunkenly as she leaned against the ornately painted screen. "I wash jusht havin' a li'l Avalanshche r'uni'n down a' Coshta del Shol . . . gimme a break, otoushaan."

"And that boy? The one I saw you kissing at the town limits?"

"Oh, him." The sauced ninja slid to the ground, smiling drunkenly. "He'sh my besht buddy, Vinnie! Y'don't need t'worry 'bout him- pure ash a lump'a- *hic*- natcheral mat'ria."

"Natural materia has numerous flaws in every piece, Yuffie." Godo had smoke coming out of his ears now. "What are you trying to tell me?"

"Nuthin'." Yuffie giggled. "Jesht that he'sh my new- *hic*- boyfriend. Thash all."

"WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAATTTTT??!!!!!"

3:21 AM

Vincent Valentine, ex-Turk extraordinaire, paused in mid-flight as the echoing howl soared out into the night. "Poor Godo," he mused. "I suppose it's no good telling him that nothing happened. Of course . . . there's still the Halloween party next month." And, chuckling gleefully, the Chaoswinged man soared off into the night, happily contemplating keg parties to come.

Author's Note: I don't own "Who Let the Dogs Out," "I'm Too Sexy," "Genie in a Bottle," "Asshole," "The Sound of Silence," "Don't Let Me Get Me," "Cats in the Cradle," "California Dreamin'," "Baby Got Back," "Pinball Wizard," "I'm So Sick of You," "White Rabbit," or "I Lost on Jeopardy." Except for "I'm So Sick of You," the obvious parodies are my own inventions. And yes, if there's enough response, I'm willing to write the Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Year's, etcetera subsequent chapters for this.

Further Note to ItSotN Readers: No, I am not slacking off on the story. I actually completed the fic you've just read in late July, and it was written entirely as an 'unwind and be stupid' sort of thing. I'm currently working on the second chapter, "Halloween Hijinks," while simultaneously finishing up chapter 7 of ItSotN. Don't kill me? Please?