Title: One Eye Open

Author: holmesfreak1412

Fandom: Detective Conan/Case Closed

Character(s): Miyano Shiho/Haibara Ai

Pairings (implied): Gin-Sherry, Ai-Conan

Other(s): Miyano Akemi, Agasa Hiroshi

Rating: T

Genre: Angst

Language: English

Description; That is always how she slept.

Disclaimer: I do not own any part of the Detective Conan Franchise.

Author's Note: Yay! Another one of my old, buried-in-my-dresser oneshots which I found while I was dressing the other day. I have totally forgotten about writing it! But I guess this is quite an achievement since I have posted one already and two in a week is quite unprecedented. Aren't you proud? *evil laugh

This is another one of my numerous (really that many) Ai character study which I wrote in my fanfic writing spree almost a year ago which afterwards I only kept to myself because life is too busy (and FFNet is so boring at the scarcity of reviewers). But since I am in the posting mood this week (not for long?), I give this to you as a cookie especially those who reviewed on the other one earlier this week. I appreciate it guys and yes, do review to this when you have the time (which you probably will have if you went through reading this)

I am going to assume that you know enough of the Detective Conan Canon to be able to read through this.

UNBETAED so all the mistakes you can notice are purely mine.

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One Eye Open

..

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She sleeps with one eye open. Which is probably why she is very bad at feigning.

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xxx.

Sleep is important, her sister told her once, when she caught young Shiho sneaking at night to the confines of her computer, with everything that is Greek to Akemi a comfort zone to the juvenile genius. She told her this sternly, hands on her hips and with a matter-of-factly tone. Sleep is important. If you want to stay awake.

It takes many, many years later and five people to wake her up for Shiho to know that the seemingly paradoxical statement of her sister's holds the truth of her life.

xxx.

So Shiho sleeps with one eye open, for her to make sure she will always wake up.

xxx.

ONE

The early demise of her parents is always told to her as a bedtime story.

Her oneechan goes on about their undying love. About how despite everything, they died together. And isn't that the most romantic thing every pair of lovers in the world could ask? They were tragic. They were heroic. And they live now in some beautiful meadow with everything you can ask for, watching over their little girls as they grow up and guiding them in their own way. Akemi tells her to pray for them because they can hear it as they are one with the stars now. She does. They are always there, her sister says. But Shiho doesn't believe it. Stars are never seen during daytime when the worse things happen. To her, they were never there.

The Organization remarks on the other hand, about how young they are and how this is the worst they can ever be. Or maybe the best. They are never clear about their point. But uncertainity is the best form of intimidation isn't it?

Either way, Shiho muses they must be really horrible parents and she doesn't hesitate to say that aloud, young and immature as she is. Akemi disapproves. The Organization doesn't but they make her follow their footsteps anyway.

It was an accident, her naïve older sister insists to her, most likely because she believes it herself. We call it an accident, the Organization counters implicitly. She knows what they mean exactly. But Shiho still thinks of her parents as horrible creatures. They failed to stay awake.

But that doesn't stop her from loving them. When at daytime, she is forced to go through what she inherited from her parents in their deaths, she is consoled at night by their most human aspects of them according to her sister's words. So when she sleeps, she dreams of both.

They kiss. They hug. They stare at the wailing baby in happiness. They are in heaven, running across the vast green expanse, with the two of them trailing behind. They are alive in her dreams. They are hopeful. They are always one happy family. It is beautiful.

But it invariably ends in a nightmare. Her dad turns into a monster as he consumes her mom with his mouth as he later devours himself. They laugh at her when she was born. They are in hell, burning in agony as the flames eternally incinerated but never turn them to ashes. They are dead with hollow eyes at these times. They are hopeless. They never are a family. It is terrifying.

Sometimes, she sees Akemi being chased by her mother, running endlessly in stretched infinity. All dark and all ominous, with rain falling hard on their panicked bodies and such deceiving puddles that are like marshland, to which her younger sister always fell Akemi, gasps in terror as her mother eventually appears before her, reminding her that she can never run from the horrors of the dead. The woman wields a knife and once Akemi sinks to the ground, dead, Shiho will realize that whom she thought as Elena is her all along.

She ends up with buckling knees, unable to believe the sight of the blood she shed. Akemi would open her eyes suddenly and she would weep tears of blood. The rain never stops. The water level would rise. Shiho waits until she drowns.

But it never comes. And there would always be Akemi's corpse on her knees and the pool of blood beneath her. Her hand trembles as she holds the knife but she never can let it go, her fingers not succumbing to her will. Her grip tightens and in last desperate resort, she raises it to stab herself.

A translucent hand stops her.

This is the moment she would scream.

There is too much death. And it only reminds you that in the Organization when you don't do as said, there is too much imprisonment that you are not even allowed to die.

She screams and screams and screams. I AM NO ONE. But the hand never lets go.

And the tears that didn't come when she killed Akemi, appear.

She would then realize it was all a dream. A bad one.

Akemi wakes her up then, uncanny in her timing. Shiho does. And as her sister stares at the bedraggled girl before her worriedly, asking what is going on, the younger girl only tells her that she will never be like her parents. She will wake up. And that is as close to freedom that she could get. That is the best she can ever be.

Miyano Shiho is no one but the slave fighting for what she considers as the only extent of liberty she can ever be awarded. She always wakes up in the morning for that.

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TWO

Akemi doesn't believe her beloved younger sister is free. But then, she never really has understood.

Her oneechan is never reluctant on pointing out how restricted Shiho's life is, coaxing her to at least have a love life and convincing her that being in the Organization doesn't mean she is doomed with none for the rest of her life. Of course, Akemi all but thinks they are imprisoned in the shadows of their parents' old mistake. They never are free. They never will be. But she likes to believe in the illusion that parts of what freedom is to most people that will be rewarded to them at the very least. She tells Shiho she has a boyfriend, someone named Moroboshi Dai. He works for the Organization and Shiho has never seen her older sister any happier.

Akemi is but a dispensable asset in the Organization and is always one with the rebellious streak. Shiho 's importance in the field is the only fact that keeps her untouched. She tells her older sister that "Dai-kun" is a big mistake, adding to her argument the fact that the infamous Bourbon is closing in on him. There is no such thing as friendly rivalry in the Organization. Akemi doesn't listen and instead only makes a speech about how good being in love feels. She has always been overly romanticized, to which Shiho doesn't really have much repartee to contend to. She lets her sister talk about eligible men for her and she listens. She doesn't tell her back that she is already sleeping with one but then, he is hardly "eligible."

When Gin makes it way to their topic, he is always the "long-haired , scary man with something on his sleeves" to Akemi and "Shiho, I don't want you to ever get close to him". But she has always been close to him since she was little and it couldn't be helped. Akemi doesn't know that, She doesn't really know anything.

Gin is her first fling, first kiss, first fuck, first everything and she must be way over two digits for him but she doesn't let herself to be relegated to such irrelevant numbers in what must be their relationship as it is nothing else. Gin is obsessed with her from the beginning and it must have meant he means to her more than he lets on. But news to everyone, she gives zero cares.

She likes the physical contact because it's good, she's fifteen and too stressed for her age. And no thanks, if anyone suggests for her to just drink her problems away. She comes at night at Gin's place, when he tells her to. She doesn't mind much but she never initiates the first move.

Their kisses are never sweet and that is the way they both like it. They were too selfish to allow the other person benefit from the sensation. To them, it was never about the other person's wants. Rough and angry, clothes would be ripped, bones would snap, the bedding would break. Gin hates her complete submission so he kisses her harder. Shiho doesn't like to be overpowered so she catches up.

She is fifteen and no one.

But when they make love, it is always sweet. The anger dissipates and there is nothing left at the heat of the moment but the passion and the fact that they are together as one, buck naked. Shiho calls it surface lust on his part. She doesn't really care. Gin persists that she actually loves him. He pretends not to care. But they do it anyway and even though something tells her that this is all wrong and a big, big mistake than Rye will ever be to her sister, she does the things that Gin claims no one else can do to him.

When it is all over and they are snuggling and cuddling in each other's warmth, Gin makes her promise something. "Don't make me kill you." he whispers. Shiho only nods dryly. "You know I hate traitors." he adds and the gist of it is in there. Shiho doesn't know if Gin can kill her if it comes down to that but then uncertainty is the best way of intimidation, isn't it? She knows that. And despite all the fear she is feeling, she falls asleep. Still with one eye open.

It is snowing and she leaves bare footsteps of blood on the immaculate white sheet of ground as she takes a step further to where she seems to have set her mind to go. The storm prevails in her wake and the wind blows hard in her face. Step. Step. Step. Blood. Blood. Blood. She feels cold and sneezes from time to time but she goes on and on and on, striving through the catastrophe unti she catches sight of her destination.

She sees Gin's long hair flapping majestically amidst the gale, standing just before her. She screams until her voice is hoarse. He holds out a hand and just when she reaches for it, it turns into a gun.

Bang!

And she sees Akemi's body fall before her,

She screams. And Gin laughs.

She hears it as she wakes. Beside her, Gin is chuckling as he stares at her, a malicious glint visible in his eyes. She instinctively closes her eyes back. But he wakes her up. She finally does.

Gin looks amused as he asks her what sort of thing scares Miyano Shiho in her sleep. She doesn't answer and only kisses him with fury that is obvious when she delivers the contact harshly. They make love and she stays dominant throughout the whole night. This time, Shiho hates his submission. She doesn't want to appear weak to him.

Because Miyano Shiho is no one but the young girl who can allow herself not to care much about freedom as long as those relationships she holds dear is in safety.

THREE

But there never is such thing as control. Or submission. Not always. No, not always.

Akemi doesn't heed her when she reprimands her of the Moroboshi Dai blunder. How can she be so stubborn now? The guy is an undercover FBI agent and that is the worst he can ever be. She doesn't listen. No, she really doesn't. "But I love him Shiho-chan" she would plead repeatedly like it gives her answers to her turmoil. She mutters that excuse now and before Shiho can stop herself, she all but accuses her older sister of making her job of preserving their lives all much difficult.

She doesn't intend it but Akemi cries harder.

That night when they see each other, Gin is more than furious. "Traitor" he snorts and Shiho knows him well enough to determine that they are indeed on a cliff. They don't do anything that night. And Gin is even more angered. He hates her complete submission as much as he loathes her lack thereof.

She doesn't see Akemi anytime the following week, only leaves a note that everything is going to be just fine. Shiho doesn't believe her.

And true enough, it doesn't.

Gin wouldn't tell her why, just shoves her towards a cell roughly and chains her with a handcuff, with only a bottle of wine to spend in the meantime to remind her that with Akemi dead or not, she will always be Sherry. She has no choice. Maybe she has fulfilled her purpose already. But either way, she never will be free.

Death, she muses, is her last option.

But as she shrinks in the same way as the miniscule number of lab rats in her tests with the cursed drug did, she realizes, that there are others.

Shiho will be hardly recognizable as a child and an apt disguise. From henceforth, she can really be no one.

She squeezes herself through the ventilation chute, runs and runs and runs amidst the rain, barefooted, her slightly bleeding wrists leaving droplets of blood everywhere, wary of monsters that might come chasing her. She is afraid. This is a nightmare come true.

She must have fainted but she doesn't remember. All she did was run and run and run. And scream and scream and scream. And there was death and death and death.

That was before she sees light in the end. There is hope, she allows herself to believe. A boy stands not far away, holding out his hand as Gin once did in her eidolon. She tried not to make another mistake by reaching out for it but then she wouldn't have the time even if she did, the apparition was gone.

The sound of anxious breathing wakes her up. Shiho opens her eyes in time to see a bespectacled old man leaning down to her, looking curious above everything else.

He asks her if she is okay, much to her surprise. And if she wants to drink some water. She only nods, not ready for words. In seconds, this man will know everything though.

She is Miyano Shiho and all she wants now is for her thirst for vengeance to be quenched.

FOUR

Agasa Hiroshi tells her to call him "Hakase". The old man addresses him as "Ai-kun". Everyone else hails "Haibara" as a common appellation for her. But she still calls herself Shiho.

She meets Kudo Shinichi's little alter ego not so long after and while the first meeting leaves a bad impression, they eventually learn to get along. Everyone else calls him "Conan". Others who know better: "Shinichi". But it always is either "Kudo "or "Edogawa" to her. To him, she is "Haibara", never "Miyano". Or even "Miyano Shiho". But somehow, that makes it more bearable. Her real name is exclusive to those who are unlucky enough to know her. She doesn't want anyone now to be as unfortunate as those who have gone before.

This life is different.

Those who hunt her still call her "Sherry", a name she terribly wants to forget in this new life in her rebirth but she can't, right? No, not really. Maybe only after her death, it wouldn't matter. But Kudo tells her point blank that she is not allowed to and even despite of it being the same words said to her years ago, Kudo promises her freedom that she knows her sister will relish for her.

When she almost ran away from fate, he tells her not to. When she is losing hope, he tells her that Superman does exist. He does the impossible and Ai couldn't help but be drawn to him even more. She likes the way he controls her but submit to her at the same time. She likes how he understands and doesn't ask when he knows she doesn't want to answer. She likes how in their relationship, it is always all about the other person.

It is a shame though, that there really is another person.

Like before, she should give "zero cares". But news to you, she really does care. For this is the first time that she ever has someone who doesn't even have an ounce of idea about what he means to her. She doesn't want him to know because she knows, he will just force himself to care.

From time to time, when he sits on the front seat as they travel and she is positioned behind him with her face resting in the glass, she marvels about the effect that he has on her and she falls asleep in a trance as she stares at his face and regrets that they are who they are. At another universe, they would have been childhood friends and lines will blur and they will become lovers inevitably. But he is Kudo Shinichi. And she is Miyano Shiho. And that makes all the difference.

She wishes they are not though and that is always what she dreams about.

He would be her first fling, first kiss, first love and first everything. Their kisses would be sweet. Their lovemaking enacted all in the name of giving oneself to the other willingly, He will love her because she loves him. She will love him because he loves her. Their love will be a matter of compensation. It will always be about the other, And they will die together.

But he always wakes her up during these times. And when she does, she is disappointed that things are just not different. And it will be a living nightmare.

He asks her to be alert every time and: "don't be such a sleepyhead". He would pull her up and give her his best smile of hilarity, like she did something funny. He tells her later that her mouth hangs open when asleep and he would be punched. But in the meantime, she would stare at him and would insist to herself that being friendzoned is better than none. After all, she is no one.

Miyano Shiho is no one but the girl who can't be loved when she realizes she is supposed to have the freedom to be.

FIVE

But still despite everything, she now believes that she has to stay awake. And to do so, she has to sleep and face her nightmares, even with one eye open. She doesn't want to end up like her parents. She wants freedom. She wants revenge. And above all, she wants love, even if it is not from whom she wants it the most.

She often dreams that she would fail but now she doesn't really care.

She continues to wake herself up. She does. And perhaps, this is the best she can ever be.

Miyano Shiho is no one but a girl who doesn't want to die without a reason.

..

xxx.

So she sleeps with her one eye open.

xxx.

END

Owh. No. Please tell me if the ending is a bit rushed. I only changed a few things but I think the gist is in there. No romance, sorry. Lol. All of which are only implied.