Rose Tyler and the Doctor would never expect it.

They were too naive, too set in their ways. They would go back in forth with their stupid seduction war for years on end, that was the reason why the TARDIS had to end it. It wasn't like it was a difficult task, it was as if the two lovers were leaves barely hanging onto their branches, just waiting to fall off and confess their love. The tree just needed a little shake.

Sexy could definitely give them that little push.

At the moment she could see her thief in the console room, fixing a piece of her that didn't need fixing at all. She could see in his mind that he was simply tinkering so he would have an excuse to look sexy in front of the Bad Wolf. The Bad Wolf, on the other hand, was flipping through one of his Shakespeare books, pretending to be interested simply to impress him. Oh, the two idiots.

The TARDIS took a quick look at the current layout of herself, which she changed whenever she got bored or whenever it was needed. She decided a new room would be necessary for this project, so she removed Tennis Court #74 and used the power to generate a new room. It was 20 x 15 square feet, with a very high ceiling. Who knew how much room they would need? She searched her databanks and decided on the perfect bed model, a lovely red one with blue accents the color of her outer disguise as a police box. Sexy stacked the bed with countless pillows and blankets, before proceeding to design the rest of the room.

She added two dark, wooden nightstands and put candles on them that would never run out. The lighting of the room was just dim enough so they would be able to see each other perfectly. The flooring was a black velvet that would be comfortable if for some reason they fell on it, and she also added four windows with customizable views for effect. After debating whether or not to add more, she decided against it, thinking that less was probably better. Normally, at this stage in building a new room, she would add a door. That wouldn't be necessary for this room, if she was going to follow the plan.

The Doctor, as childish as he was, wasn't even close to being as childish as his ship.

Rose fell into bed, sighing at another day where the Doctor hadn't cracked and thrown himself at her. She had tried everything by this point. Bikinis, other boys, handcuffs, whips (that hadn't ended too well, she still had the scars), and more hadn't worked. As much as she hated him right now, Rose had to admit he wasn't stupid. She had been so close to cracking lately she could only imagine what he had been feeling. It was her turn at the moment, but she was fresh out of ideas. The stupid Time-Lord would never crack, what was even the point anymore?

She buried her head into her pink pillow and groaned, why couldn't blokes be smarter? He was supposed to be a genius, wasn't he?

With that thought and a quiet pop, she disappeared from her bed and was teleported into another room.

While the Doctor rarely slept, he knew he needed it desperately tonight. Trying to impress Rose Tyler was serious work, especially when she was trying her very hardest to ignore his advances. He practically crawled into his bed and groaned. Why had he gone and fallen in love with her? Did all Rose's old boyfriends have to go through this seduction war? Was it some sort of ritual that she held?

Stupid Rose Tyler, stupid war, stupid, stupid, stupid. Why had stupid been his favorite word lately? What was even happening to him at this point?

He rolled over in the bed and inhaled the deep scent of Rose that was still on his pillow. It smelled so fantastic, so purely her. As he took one last big sniff, he was teleported into another room with a pop.

Sexy smiled mentally as she saw the Bad Wolf and her Thief deposited into the romantic room at the same time, laying on the black velvet floor with a plop. Her work here was done. She prepared a door that would appear when they were finished, and went back to fixing the parts of the console that the Doctor had broken earlier.

The Doctor rubbed his head and sat up. Hadn't he been in bed just a moment ago? What happened? He looked behind him and saw Rose in a white dressing gown, with obviously nothing underneath. She was sitting up slowly and emitting a little groaning noise, one that made his lower stomach twist into knots. Was this really her play for the stupid war?

Rose felt her arm, which would definitely be bruised from that fall she had just had. Wait a second, why was the Doctor in this room with her? And what was this room? "Doctor?" She asked, standing up and brushing herself off.

"Rose, why are we in here?" He demanded to know, folding his arms across his chest and gasping when he realized he was missing his pinstripes and just wearing a white T-shirt and brown pants. The Doctor always wore his pinstripes to bed, who had disrobed him? Rose, that little minx. She was the only possibility. "Did you take my clothes off?!"

"I didn't do anything!" She raised her hands in defense. "Did you put me in here? Are you giving me the dumb act? You changed me into my nightgown?!"

"I would never!" The Time-Lord said accusingly, staring at the bed in front of him. "What is this room? I've never seen this before in my life, but we're definitely on the TARDIS."

"How can you tell we're on your ship?" Rose asked, now a little scared. "What if we've been kidnapped?"

"Nah, I can sense the time vortex. Time-Lord thing."

She nodded and felt the soft fabric of the floor. "Well, it's a nice room."

"There's no door," he commented. "The TARDIS must have done this, that cheeky minx."

"What does she want?" Rose mumbled towards the bed before turning to face him.

The Doctor averted his eyes from her and stared at his bare feet. "Maybe she wants us to sort things out."

She raised an eyebrow. "What kind of things?"

"Well, our relationship has been a bit weird lately."

Rose laughed stalely at that, "Well obviously that's your fault."

He scrunched up his nose and stared at her, "My fault? How is any of this my fault?"

"You and your stupid... Tinkering with barely any clothes on. And the Gallifreyan thing that was so... So sexy. And don't forget the freakin' chains! And lastly, did you think I could march around your ship naked without being turned on a little bit? That shouldn't even turn me on, it makes no sense! You weren't even there! You stupid, stupid Time-Lord!" Rose approached him and whacked him lightly on the arm with the back of her hand, glaring at him.

"Are you kidding?!" The Doctor sneered, shaking his head in disbelief. "Sleeping next to me without a bra? Eating that banana... Rassilon, that stupid banana. A food isn't supposed to give me a boner, Rose! What do you think you've been doing?! And you started the chains, let me remind you! Not to mention you strutted around in a bikini, showing off your..." His gaze lowered and he immediately snapped his head back to hers, continuing. "And that massage! Were you kidding with that? It felt so good I felt like I was going to explode, and I couldn't help my mind wandering to other things that you would be good at." Rose turned pink, but he continued. "And that Roman guy... That was evil, Rose Tyler, evil."

"You can't possibly blame this all on me! You're the one who picked me up in the first place in an entirely different body. I didn't think you'd change bodies... Much less change bodies into one so..."

"So what?" His Adam's apple bobbed up and down as he brought the conversation back to a quieter volume.

Rose groaned, "Sexy. You became really, really sexy."

"Well, you didn't tell me when I 'picked you up' that I'd end up falling in love with you!" He retorted, eyes widening after he realized what he had just said.

She gasped a little, "You love me?"

"Right now I hate you," The Doctor stated simply.

"I hate you so much."

Within the next three seconds, they were attacking each others mouths with desperate kisses. Neither of them were sure who had started it, but at this point it didn't really matter. Rose pushed his mouth open and he gave her access immediately, allowing her to plunge her tongue inside of his mouth and taste every part of him. He returned the kiss with just as much fervor, pushing her backwards until they fell on the surprisingly comfortable bed. "You're so evil," Rose gasped out in between kisses, arching towards him when his kisses began to lower down her neck.

He began tugging a little at her nightgown and biting her neck lightly, soothing every bite with his tongue. "Want to see just how evil I can be?" he replied into her ear, making her close her eyes in ecstasy at the sound of his husky voice.

Rose put one hand in his hair and her fingernails dug at his scalp while her other hand caressed his back roughly, shoving him closer towards her. Eventually his lips came back up to hers and she was disappointed to find her nightgown was still on her body. Rose moved her hands suddenly to the hem of his shirt, beginning to lift it over his head. He moved away to help her and within a manner of seconds it was discarded on the floor along with her slippers. "You're the sexiest man alive," Rose mumbled to him as he bit her a little harder on her shoulder, moving her nightgown strap out of the way first.

Rose readjusted herself so she could lower her mouth to his left nipple, engulfing it in her mouth and enjoying the sight of his eyes now half-shut and his mouth slightly open, attempting to form words. She pulled away suddenly and sat up on the bed, making him glare at her. "I can be evil too," she smiled and winked. He grinned a little in return and kissed her again, now pulling the other spaghetti strap down off her shoulder. The fabric ripped a little as he yanked it off her body, and it took him a moment to realize she was now working on the button of his jeans. With his help, they were soon off and she spoke. "You'll get a reward for helping me with that."

"Really now?" He mumbled his reply, ready to say something more but being cut off the second her lips touched his right nipple. "Rose," he moaned gently, running his fingers through her hair.

Hearing him moan her name gave her more confidence and she pressed her thigh up against the bulge in his boxers, making him moan even louder. "Rose... I need..." He tried to explain but was cut off again as she paid more attention to the other nipple now.

As soon as she removed her mouth, it was his turn to pleasure her. He leaned back to admire the beauty of her naked body in front of him, grinning. Her face blushed with embarassment but he soon stopped those worries when he cupped the weight of her breasts in his hand. She inhaled a breath, waiting for him to do something. He lowered his lips to her right nipple and sucked, making her shout his name in pleasure and twist her hands into his hair harder. "I'm not even at the best part yet," he said to her, laughing when she pushed his head gently back towards chest.

The Doctor took in the other nipple now, sucking it a little harder. "Doctor, please," she begged, squeezing her eyes shut and throwing her head back.

"Please what, Rose?" He replied, running his left hand down her inner thigh, just barely ghosting his hand across her skin, leaving the lightest touches.

"Please, please touch me," She groaned as he ghosted his other hand along the other thigh, stopping right before the spot where she needed him the most.

Instead of giving in to her will, he suddenly stood up next to the bed and casually stood there, watching her expression turn from desperate to shocked. "You've been bad, Rose. Very bad."

Her pupils dilated significantly as she pleaded, "Please come back. I need you to touch me now."

"Apologize first."

She squeezed her eyes shut and ran her own hand along her thigh, much harder than he had been. The Doctor reached out and grabbed her wrists, restraining her. Suddenly, he had an idea and reached into the nightstand drawer, pulling out a familiar pair of padded handcuffs and putting them on her. "Doctor..." She moaned more, arching towards his body. "I'm sorry..."

"Sorry for what?" He commanded, enjoying the sight of her writhing on the bed far too much.

"For making you..." His hand returned to her stomach, making her gasp loudly. "Making you... Jealous."

"And teasing me in a bikini?" He whispered now, returning to the bed and sucking her earlobe. She nodded violently, pushing his hands towards her center with her handcuffed arms. "By the way, you looked amazing in that bikini. I wanted to take you and fuck you there on the spot. I would have done the dirtiest things to you right there in the swimming pool. Does that sound good?" He continued his dirty words, though his language switched to Gallifreyan quickly and she wasn't sure of what he was saying.

Rose could barely breathe at this point, her voice just whispered gasps, "Yes. Please fuck me right now, Doctor."

After he heard her say that, he could barely contain himself anymore. He quickly removed her handcuffs with his screwdriver that was resting on the other nightstand. Then he removed his boxers, adding them to the pile of clothes on the floor. Rose inhaled sharply at the sight of his hard cock, and he immediately lined himself up at her entrance. As he was about to enter her, she stopped him by placing a hand on his erect penis. "Rose?"

"Wait," She said, adjusting herself on the bed to line his cock up with her head.

"What're you-"

His voice was cut off when she took him whole in her mouth, causing him to lose self-control immediately and arch his body towards her, forcing more in her mouth. Soon he caught up with himself and his motions became more gentle, a hand at the back of her head and one on top of her head, stroking her hair absent-mindedly. His knees felt like jello as she swirled her tongue around the head of his cock, hardening it even further. One of her hands rubbed the part of his member that she couldn't take into her mouth and the other hand was latched onto his hip, pulling him towards her. It went on for another minute with only a few breaks for air before she broke away completely.

While he recovered from the blow job, she took the handcuffs once again and latched them around his hands, placing them above his head. His eyes were pleading, "Rose... Please, I need..."

"Your turn to beg, Doctor," She smiled, kissing him deeply and quickly but pulling away just as fast. He tried to follow her but she was too quick, and was descending on his cock again in a manner of seconds.

Obviously his Time-Lord pride normally wouldn't allow him to beg, however this was much too time didn't last as long as he cried, "Please, please Rose. I need to fuck you. Please, let me."

She couldn't resist his offer so, without taking off the handcuffs, she grabbed his hips and aligned him at her entrance before he thrust into her deeply, causing her to moan in pleasure the first time he entered her. It made her feel complete with him filling her, and her fingers rubbed desperately at his scalp as she approached her orgasm faster and faster. He withdrew from her and entered again and again, starting a slow, steady rhythm. "Faster, faster," She murmured, her words almost incoherent. "Doctor..."

It wasn't long until she came, screaming his name at the top of her lungs. He followed directly after her, shouting her name like his life depended on it. Rose curled up into his arms and grinned against his chest, with both of them still trying to catch their breaths. "I still hate you," she said simply, kissing a little patch of hair on his chest.

"I hate you too," he returned the grin and held her close to him. "That was evil." The Doctor gestured towards the handcuffs and looked towards the nightstand. "Rose, where's the key?"

She didn't answer, instead she just curled up against him even tighter.

"Rose... I need the key. I can't unlock these without the key, and if you think I'll just keep wearing them like I'm your dog or some-"

He was cut off when she lazily moved one of her hands back to his cock, stroking it gently. The Time-Lord gasped a little, now pulling at his handcuffs and desperately trying to get them open. He scrambled to the other nightstand where his sonic screwdriver lay, only to find that it was gone. "My screwdriver, you took it too?" he asked in a quiet voice as she began to stroke even faster.

"That was the TARDIS," she murmured in reply, stroking quicker and quicker, making him groan her name again. "I'm going to sleep now."

The Doctor stared at her in disbelief. "You just... Handcuff me, stroke me like that, turning me on in a completely irreversible way, then go to bed leaving me like this? Rose, I need to-"

"Shh. Stop rambling."

"But I-"

"Shh."

"You-"

"Shh."

"Alright."

The Doctor woke up the following morning in the same room, to the nice smell of scented candles and Rose. It was the perfect way to wake up, he decided, and he wanted to do it every morning from now on whether he slept or not. He was spooning her, giving him a big blonde pile of hair in his face in return. His arms were under her, handcuffed together. His left leg was in-between her legs resting comfortably. There was a door in the room now, and he gently kissed the side of her neck to get her to wake up. "Good morning," he gave her a bright grin and she woke up slowly.

"Here you go," She said when she woke up, picking up a key from under the pillow.

He stared at it for a moment before remembering he was still wearing handcuffs, and unlocked them. "Thanks. That was very, very rude of you Rose Tyler. Tonight I'll punish you for that..." his voice developed into a husky one that made her shiver a little.

Rose stood up completely naked and smirked, "Looking forward to it."

"Glad the war is over?" he asked as she picked up the pile of clothes and sorted them out.

"Oh," she turned to him and chuckled low in her throat. "The war is never over."

A/N: "Thanks to my lovely beautiful glorious beta Lauren who is amazing." -Lauren. Anyways, thank you so much to everyone for all your support on this story! It is the most popular fic I have ever written and am really glad I could make a whole bunch of you laugh and smile with it! And also, today I got 11's screwdriver and it's like, the best thing ever! It makes the sound and flips and I'm such a nerd. Thanks for reading all the way to the end as well, and I hope my smut wasn't too awful. Trust me, it was a lot worse before Lauren looked at it. Also, I'd really appreciate it if you checked me out on Tumblr! My URL is awesomepossumx. I know I've said this about a billion times throughout this fic, and several times in this A/N alone, but thanks! I love all of you for reading!