A/N: The point of this is to take the piss out of badly written Daryl/OC fics, writers of badly written Daryl/OC fics... go away and stop flaming me for a humour fic.
As the dawn broke over the prison, a lone figure was smoking a cigarette and walking by the fences around the prison. Daryl was pissed, not just his ordinary gruffness, he was properly pissed.
And the reason why, was the creatures in front of him, clawing on the fence to get into the prison. The rotting flesh of the undead, the stench of the corpses clogged his nose and made him gag a little, but he had a job to do, and he'll be damned if he'll let these freaks get into the prison they had worked and spilt blood for. He walked past the guard tower when he heard a gunshot in the distance; he cocked his head and turned to see a woman running pell-mell towards the gate.
"LET ME IN!" She shouted as she sprinted past the walkers attempting to grab her, Daryl appraised her, she had long, flowing blonde (almost silvery) hair, she wore all black clothing, leather jacket, gun holsters everywhere, a huge scythe strapped to her back and dual Desert Eagles in her hands, firing them off continuously at the horde as she reached the fence. Daryl rolled his eyes and opened the gate; he'd have to give this girl a talking to about suppressors. The moment he closed the gate and turned, the woman jumped on him and hugged him, she attempted to grab his head to lower it in for a kiss when he pushed her away and stared at her.
"The hell you think you're doing lady?" He asked as he grabbed his crossbow handle threateningly.
"Hey, what's going on? You're supposed to fall in love when you first see me?!" Asked the woman in complete surprise.
"Huh?" Asked Daryl, this woman seemed to be addressing someone who wasn't there.
"HEY! What gives?! Why doesn't he love me?! We belong to each other!" She screamed into the air.
"Um, crazy lady, we have all kinds of medication inside..." said Daryl
"I don't need medication! I need you!" She shouted as she lunged at Daryl, he jumped back and raised the bow.
"Last warning girl, I'll shoot ya" he said as his finger inched towards the trigger. The woman didn't seem to care as she jumped at him, he let loose the arrow which pierced her in the chest, he reloaded and aimed again, moving slowly forward towards the prone woman, she shuddered and looked him in the eyes.
"Do... do you love me Daryl?" She asked
"Hell naw" said Daryl as he watched her draw her last breath and die. He took back the arrow and checked the woman's body for things, he found a whole tonne of ammo, how anyone could carry that much was beyond him, he tossed away the scythe, who uses them anyway? He found pistols and knives all around her body, had to be about five pistols and four knives. He stood and grabbed the body, hauling it up on his shoulder, he took it over to the graves, he saw Rick kneeling by Lori's grave as he placed the body down.
"Who's that?" Asked Rick as he glanced over at him.
"Some crazy lady, kept asking if I loved her, we belong to each other, stuff like that" he said as he rolled the body into a pre-made grave, they didn't like the idea but it stopped the smell while they dug, which brought more walkers to the fences.
"Strange" said Rick as he stood and glance at the body before grabbing his Python and heading back inside.
Daryl filled the grave and went back to his post, he had to keep an eye out for any weaknesses to the chain link fence, when he got back, he saw two figures wrestling in the dirt in front of the gate, completely oblivious to the walkers around them.
"Daryl's mine!" Shouted one of the women as she got the upper hand, she clawed the women below across her face as she spotted their spectator.
"Daryl!" She cried as she leapt up from the crying woman and ran to the fence, she desperately tugged on it to try and get to him.
"Daryl it's me! Don't you remember?! I'm your childhood friend Cassandra! We used to drink alcohol and do drugs and stuff, I had a creepy boyfriend and you beat him up, it was so HAWT!" Said the woman frantically.
"No, I don't recognise you" said Daryl honestly.
She shook her head and stepped back; she glanced at the sky and started yelling, similar to the previous woman.
"CUE THE FLASHBACK SCENE!" she bellowed into thin air... Nothing happened.
"Maybe there's no 'flashback scene' because I don't know you?" He said scathingly
"Daryl help me! Protect me Daryl!" Shouted the woman on the floor pathetically to the redneck.
"How do you all know my name?!" Asked Daryl heatedly, he didn't know any of these women.
"We all know you, whether from childhood, your mechanic days, when you were in the bar" said Cassandra
"Well, I don't know you, you're all crazy and you aint getting in" said Daryl with an air of finality
"WHAT? You dare DEFY US?!" Shouted the girl on the floor, the weak woman facade completely destroyed as she stood and joined Bailey at the fence, breathing heavily in rage.
"We are yours Daryl!" she screamed at him as they pulled knives out and started cutting through the fence, Daryl narrowed his eyes and raised his crossbow, he had to kill them. He shot the whiny one first, annoying whiny weirdo. The other one went down on her knees and gave him a puppy dog stare.
"Daryl we love you, please accept us into your life!" She said, desperation lined her voice as she spoke.
"Not gonna happen" said Daryl as he took his arrow back from the body of the whiny woman, he failed to see the other woman sprinting for the tree line, by the time he got her in his sights, she was out of range, she turned, took out a whistle and blew it. The shrill noise irked Daryl as he drew a pistol he kept on his leg and shot her in the leg, her dominant woman persona melted away as she cried out in pain, she grovelled constantly, still asking Daryl to let her in, to love her but was silenced when Daryl finished her off with a headshot, no more mistakes.
He turned to head back inside when he heard rumbling, a rumbling that was getting closer by the second. He turned to see bursting forth from the tree line a horde of women, with heads of black, blonde or silver hair, black clothing, cop outfits, military fatigues, weapons sprouting from every orifice. Some even had pets, mostly dogs, with a few wolves, unicorns and even a Griffon.
"What. The. Fuck." Said Daryl as he stared in horror and disdain at the mass of women charging for the fence.
"IT'S DARYL!" Shouted one, this caused the wave of fan-girls to shriek in delight as they bowled over any walker in their path to Daryl.
"Screw this" muttered Daryl as he ran back to the prison, the fences pulverized by the horde of Mary-Sues. He ran to the garage where his bike was, he hurled himself onto it, kick-started it and sped off down the dirt track and past the Mary-Sues, they screamed as they saw their prey getting away, they ran after him, no matter how fast his bike went, they could all keep up, they all had been buffed with superhuman stamina and speed.
"Why me?" He asked himself as he led them far away from the prison, his head thinking overtime about his predicament, he could just keep running, but that thought held little appeal to him, he could try and hide but they'd probably find him and he didn't want that to happen under any circumstances. He even thought about suicide but immediately dispelled that thought from his head, the others needed him and besides, these things wanted him, if he died, who knows what they would do? So the only option was to eradicate them... How?
An idea came to him, he remembered T-Dog complaining about why they never headed to the coast. If he was right, then the coast wasn't too far away, if he could make it, he could take a boat and lead them out into the ocean, sooner or later, they would be claimed by the sea. He opened the throttle fully and gunned it towards the coast, the horde of badly written women following him.
As he drove a crossbow bolt, bright pink streaked past his head, he turned his head to see a silvery haired, big busted woman reloading her own crossbow as she ran, she blew a kiss as he drove, he climbed up a small incline in the road and saw the crystal blue of the ocean before him, he sped down the road, slowly the Mary-Sues lost ground but still continued the chase. He finally reached the end of the road and kicked the stand down, he ran to the boatyard and untied a small boat with an outboard engine, he urgently pulled the starter cord while he kept an eye on the boatyard entrance, he could hear the high-pitched, piercing fan girlish screams of the Mary-Sues bearing down on him, the engine gunned into life as the horde came within 25 meters, the boat started powering off, the waves churning beneath him, he looked around and saw a Mary-Sue jumping off the jetty at the boat, he put it down with a bolt to the head, she crumpled inward and fell with a SPLASH! Into the water, he watched as the Mary-Sues jumped en masse into the water and started swimming after him, all the whiny, submissive, damsel Mary-Sues immediately drowned, their skill set didn't include swimming, meanwhile the dominant, combative, scar-ridden started swimming like Olympian athletes, all of their pets flailed as they were claimed by the sea, white wolves howled, pit bulls just sank into the liquid, the unicorns accidently gored other Mary-Sues in their frenzy to escape the water. The only pet to escape the clutches of the water was the Griffon; it flew gracefully into the air, a Mary-Sue in gold plate armour astride it.
Meanwhile the Mary-Sues who were swimming after him started slowing down, their superhuman abilities failing them, they soon started gasping, trying to keep up with their one true love, he started picking them off, one by one with his backup pistol, soon, through either drowning or bullets there were only two Mary-Sues left, the griffon rider and a muscled woman who apparently still looked beautiful despite having muscles like a brick privy on steroids. Her voice like a pure crystal.
"Daryl! I want to be with you for the rest of my life!" She yelled to the retreating boat.
"That's nice" he replied, shooting his bow and hitting her between the eyes. The woman sank to the bottom of the briny sea as he looked at his handiwork bobbing in the sea.
"Finally, no more damn weird women to deal with" he said as he sat down, exhausted from the ordeal.
"YOOHOO! DARYL!" Yelled a voice above him.
"Oh COME ON!" Daryl growled as he looked up to see the woman on the griffon hovering over him, a grin on her heavenly, yet pasty white skin.
"You ready for some lovin' Daryl?" She asked
"Not with you, no" retorted Daryl as he checked for weapons, he was out of arrows and bullets, all he had was his hunting knife, he twirled it around his palm and stared at her.
"What you going to do with that?" She asked, convinced she was safe from the man below her.
"You're forgetting something" said Daryl as he held the blade.
"What's that sugar plum?" She asked, sickeningly sweetly, not comprehending the danger to her life.
"I'm Daryl Dixon bitch!" He replied as he hurled the blade at her, her mount was too slow as the blade pierced her forehead; her eyes rolled upwards in her skull as her body slid sideways and fell into the deep blue sea. The griffon gave a mournful wail and flew for land, giving no regard for the redneck as it flew away to a far off place. Daryl watched it go, he steered the boat through the sea of the dead characters, collecting arrows and his knife as he went.
He got back to the dock and walked back to his bike, he absently stroked it as he sat on it.
"Don't worry baby, no one's coming between me and you anymore" he murmured to the bike as he kick-started it and rode back to the prison, Carl opened the gate for him, he rode it up the small hill, he went past Glenn, Herschel, Tyresse and some Woodburians helping put the fence back up. He settled the bike on its stand and got off; he walked into the cell block where he was accosted by Rick.
"What. Happened?" He asked.
"Don't ask, you don't wanna know" said Daryl as he pushed gently past Rick and went to his cell, he got out his secret bottle of whiskey and took a swig, he settled down with a sigh…
Today was one hell of a strange day.
He woke up the next day and shook his head at the memories.
Must have been a damn nightmare
"Ooooh Daryl" said a voice above him; his head snapped up to see his cell filled with women of various degrees of supposed badassery. He gave a loud high pitched scream as they all jumped on him.
The End.
Hello there readers!
Assuming you made it this far, you either A: Laughed your arse off and read the full thing.
B: Skimmed it when you saw it was a piss-take fic, and are probably plotting a flame review.
C: Took it seriously and are going to flame me into the next life.
Or D: Other.
Now I want to say, this crack fic was just something I cooked up today, I see way too many bad fics on this archive and almost all of them are Daryl fics, I have nothing against OC's or Daryl fics, but seriously, I checked how many Daryl fics there are, there is 4K of 5.7K Daryl fics… that's a lot.
So, I propose a challenge for you intrepid writers of FanFiction!
1: Main Character MUST NOT be a main character: E.G. Daryl, Rick, Shane, etc.
2. Must be focused on one of the minor characters, E.G.: Carl, T-Dog, Dale, Sophia, Jim, Jacqui, Dale, etc.
3: Romance: optional.
4: OC's: Optional.
5: Main characters are included in chapters occasionally, not in every gorram scene.
6: Must try to be in character, this means Daryl does not become a whiny bitch who cries or Rick who cheats on Lori because she acts like Lori.
7: The rest is up to you! Good luck and thanks again for reading!
Examples of possible fics: CarPhia, Bumbling OC, Carol and Lori think it's cute, Daryl makes many remarks.
T-Dog/OC Friendship, old friends, Merle racism in S1, gets mad, gets drunk, etc.
Dale past fic: he tells the group about his life before the apocalypse, his wife, his job, the Winnebago, William Faulkner, etc.
Michonne past story: she tells her story (slowly) from being a lawyer to being a badass swordswoman to meeting Andrea.